Gregory is released. He would always say of someone who died, "They have found their way out. We are still looking for ours." I am released as well in some ways but will begin looking again, hopefully for several more years, for my way out. May I be as comfortable and gracious as Gregory was in finding his.
Last night I gave in to my emotions. Took about fifteen minutes of trying to hold it back until I finally let it rip. My God-Son Isaac came to my bedroom door and gently knocked. We held each other and cried. I carried on for maybe thirty minutes more.
Crying serves no purpose other than to make you feel better! What I mean is that I could settle down again and carry on but Gregory is still dead. When my mom and dad passed, I used to tease my sister by asking, "Is mom still dead?" "Is dad still dead?" The teasing helped lighten the time and we were able to respond to the word "Dead." It is so final!!!
I washed my face, went back to bed, and although the sad cloud that follows me and sometimes makes my eyes rain was there with me, Gregory as my umbrella helped me to have a good night sleep.
Today is Ash Friday. I mean that today I pick up Gregory's ashes from the Cremation Society of Illinois. Brook, our funeral director, has been so helpful and calming and supportive. If one has to go through this, and one does, she made it bearable.
But I am a little afraid of the reality and finality of having "Gregory in a Box" with me again. It will certainly slap (or hug) me with the reality that I will never see him again except in photographs and in my memory. I will never be able to hold his hand, hug him, kiss his lips.
The reality and finality of it makes me feel empty instead of full (which is what I want to be feeling considering what a wonderful full live we had together,) sad instead of the "happy" (which I have been extolling since his death,) and lost instead of ready to find my next chapter.
This too shall pass. And I will continue to ache but it will slowly be replaced with renewed love and loving memories. And I will search for and begin and enjoy the next chapter of my life. And I will cry and I will laugh. And I will find my way out in time.
Next time, maybe I'll turn the light on so you can read my arm. :) Love you
ReplyDeleteThanks Isaac. My God-Son is referring to a tattoo on his arm, written in Hebrew, that says, "This Too Shall Pass."
ReplyDeleteYou have such an incredible outlook and positive attitude. I admire you so much, Michael. Sending love and hugs and looking forward to seeing you Sunday. Linda and Bruce
ReplyDeleteAs always COUSINS, you are so supportive and loving.
DeleteEmptiness will pass as exhaustion lets up, dear Michael. Go get a massage once you have his ashes. Go for a swim, a sauna. Walk alone, gently.
ReplyDeleteShalom. xx
Thanks Lynda. I know the grief and pain will lessen but it will never be OK again without my Gregory. You know how that is. I am looking forward to my next massage:-) Will post about the ashes again today.
DeleteMichael YOU ARE LOVE. Namaste.
ReplyDeleteYou lift me up. Thank you.
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