My Guru

Guru: Guru is a Sanskrit term that connotes someone who is a "teacher, guide or master" of certain knowledge. In pan-Indian traditions, guru is someone more than a teacher, traditionally a reverential figure to the student, with the guru serving as a "counselor, who helps mold values, shares experiential knowledge as much as literal knowledge, an exemplar in life, an inspirational source and who helps in the spiritual evolution of a student."

I call Corinne "My Guru" and she always demurs, but I insist. She has done so much for me, through her yoga and Yoga Nidra classes, in helping me find peace during a time that was and is chaotic, stressful, emotional, frightening, frustrating, and I could go on. I am referring  to Gregory and my journey with Dementia/ Alzheimer's followed by his death, two months ago on October 4th.

Over the years, I studied world religions, searched deeply into my own Judaism, thought about Christianity, read the philosophies of great men, yet never found a path to finding peace, a way to get away from my problems, a way to cope with my sorrow and lonliness. Meditation and Corinne's classes helped me find that peace within myself and furthering my studies of Buddhism seemed to be the platform that enabled me to find that path.

Meditation and Yoga Nidra and Corinne have also helped me understand, deal with, and welcome in Gregory's death and my grieving. The current class I am taking from Corinne is called: "Yoga of Loss and Grieving."

If you have read my posts about session two and four, you will be familiar with one's "Inner Resource." Click here to read session 2's post. Click here to read session 4's post. (Both open in a new window.)

Based on my post about session 4, this is the e-mail I received from Corinne. You will see why I call her my Guru! Find out more about Corinne on her website. (Opens in a new window.)

Hi Michael – 

Thank you for sending along this post. I read it last night, and woke up thinking about it this morning. 

One thought I have is perhaps to develop an additional way to connect with Inner Resource - remembering that any visualization we use is to connect with the felt-sense of our own wholeness. Our true nature has never been harmed, has never suffered, has never caused suffering, is not lacking and has always been complete. This feeling is often described as peaceful, calm, safe, secure, strong, grounded, etc. Everyone has different language to describe this feeling.  Any imagery we use is not the feeling, rather a vehicle or pathway to experiencing it. The feeling is what we are connecting with, using this very human way to do it (our imagination).

My thought is that it could be helpful to have another way to connect with your Inner Resource that is more neutral/less charged.  Then you can reconnect with your True Nature/Inner Light in a way that is more direct, rather than through Gregory.  You can have more than one way of connecting with your Inner Resource, and you could decide which to use at different times. 

This may take some exploration, which I'd be happy to do with you. Therapy would also be a wonderful place to explore this. I'd also be happy to talk with your therapist at any time, I'm doing this more and more. Whatever is helpful for you in this mysterious, unfolding journey.

xo Corinne

This is my reply to Corinne:

Corinne, 

Hi. Thanks so much for your thoughtful e-mail. I think you are correct in your observations and as I was reading the e-mail, I instantly re-discovered another path to an Inner Resource. Many, many years ago when I was helping my fifth grade students through “Guided Visualizations,” I created for myself a personal waterfall oasis. It is a calm, peaceful place located in a lush, green rain forest. I would at times stand under the tepid water the of falls to wash away problems, fears, illness, etc. I think I will be able to use that as a way of “unloading” my current Inner Resource. Depending on what I am seeking, I can choose which one to go to in time of need. Thanks again my Guru!

Michael

Welcome Home

Picking up Gregory's ashes was easier than I thought it would be. Accompanied by our long, long time friend (I'd call him an old friend but that would be true both ways;-) John Hnilicka, we went to the Cremation Society of Illinois' beautiful victorian apartment building (ironically with an insurance company on the same floor) on Addison Street in the "Boy's Town" neighborhood.

After presenting my driver's license to prove who I was (I could have told them!) I received several copies of Gregory's death certificate, the memory cards we had printed, and last, but not least, Gregory's ashes. I say not least because of the heaviness in receiving them. I do not mean emotional heaviness but rather ounce and pound heavy.

I wanted a quiet moment, placed my hand on top of the handmade paper covered with dried fall leaves box, and as an acknowledgement of the reality of it all; lovingly, gently, picked up the box. Holy SHIT! He is (was) one heavy Fucker! (Cremation humor ;-)  The box really was quite heavy. It felt between 5 and 10 pounds.

Brook had explained earlier that "Ashes" is not really what they are but rather more like a fine sand. (I have not yet looked at them.) In the olden days there was the carbon and left over bone fragments, not necessarily completely cremated. (Hope I'm not grossing you out.) Now days, the cremation process is so sophisticated (including "Green" machines) that the nature of the "Ashes" is different than it was in the past.

To celebrate, after picking up Gregory, John and I went out to an excellent dinner and attended a Broadway musical, the tickets of which we had bought more than a month ago, called: "A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder." The show was magical, brilliant, and a romp! Gregory stayed behind safely in the trunk.

When I arrived back at the condo around 11:00 PM, I opened the trunk saying, "Hello Honey," and put Gregory, resting safely comfortably in Grandma Carrie's sewing box, in my arms and carried him over the threshold into our home saying, "Welcome home my love."

I placed the box on his side of the bed as I got ready to go to sleep. The cats, Emma and Gigi, visited with him a while, lost interest, and went on to have some more "Paw Likin' Chicken." Isaac, God Son, came in and gave his "Welcome Home" to Gregory.

I placed the box back on the bedroom bookshelf where it had been kept during Gregory's tenure in the condo, back in place again, and wished Gregory another "Welcome home ... and goodnight."

I didn't know how I was going to handle all this but as I said, it was easier than I thought. Instead of the frightening, sad, morbid, disgusting, macabre; I was happy to have him home with me, all his troubles behind him, me ready to grieve and move on.

Having Gregory's ashes helped complete the process and experience of his death and I am feeling a sense of closure to this chapter and am eagerly looking forward to the next.

Sound Bite: I know that there is a cloud still following me and every now and then, when least expected, it will make my eyes rain. But that is OK and Gregory will be my umbrella.

I slept very peacefully.

No Apologies Necessary

Kate Swaffer shares some of her thoughts, memories, and fears on being diagnosed with Dementia. The video she created is moving and will help put you in her shoes.
http://kateswaffer.com/2015/09/03/women-and-dementia-3-dam2015-day-3/

This is the reply I wrote to her:

Dear Kate,

I wish I could take all your pain, your fears, your guilt and smooth the edges. I wish I could help you focus only on the strength of your love for those around you and for all of us who have come to know you.

I wish I could help you focus only on your family's and our love for you. I want to say, "We love you as you are and as you will be. You have given us so much with your perspective and your love, let us give some measure of peace of mind back to you in exchange." 

I am barely able to type this for the tears from your video as they help me to begin to understand what Gregory must have gone through but was unable to share with me. His inability to share was due to his loss of language.

Also, I believe that the Dementia/Alzheimer’s blessedly put up a buffer to the reality of what he was going through. In addition, the safe zone in every day living which I was able to create for him gave him peace. 

So I love  him with all my heart, more each day, and say it was and  is my duty to be there for him as he always, even today, has been for me. He is not a failure, he owes no apologies, he is love. He is my life.

I have no control over the details so I will embrace him always as he is, as he will become. I love him More Than Ever (the name we together gave our trust and educational foundation.)

Gregory knows, and I often tell him, how much I love him and I hope he knows that there is nothing in our relationship, in our 40 years together, in the world that he needs to apologize or feel guilty about. 

I also know he has forgiven me my trespasses and I do not feel guilty. There are some things I would have done differently during our journey with Dementia/ Alzheimer's but I did the best I could, and everyday I learned anew, and I did it with love in my heart.

My “Intuitive" described the hole that has been torn out of my chest, around my heart; with its pain and loneliness and tears; as the sacred place where Gregory and I can still be, and always will be. together. I will not try to fill that hole, I welcome it. 

Kate, may you find peace and comfort in your great love of family and of life and may you be reminded that all things are impermanent and this can be the joy of life as you quietly sit with it today and then tomorrow. I don't "know" you Kate, but I continue to come to fall in love you!

Fondly,

Michael

Gayle

Gayle lives at Lieberman on the assisted living floor. She and I have crossed paths a number of times on the elevator and I always smile and say hello to her.

Today she was at the Sunday November Birthday Party in the community room sitting not too far away from Gregory, Manny, and me.

She is pleasant enough but approaching her is a little difficult because of her lack of grooming, her being dressed in a night gown instead of something more appropriate to the party, her sad dour look.

I was feeling particularly sad for myself trying to cope with some of the more recent changes Gregory has been going through. Today he was extra quiet, seemed drugged, his neck holding his head at a painfully crooked angle, and his face looking like it was just hanging there.

Manny had tried to prop his head with pillows but instead of Gregory taking the pressure off his neck by leaning on the pillows, he seemed to rather hold it at that awkward angle.

So there I was sitting, holding and stroking Gregory's hand, listening to the singer crooning love songs, with tears running down my eyes.

I looked up and noticed Gayle sitting there looking at us. It seemed as if she had tears in her eyes. I thought to myself, I need to go over and chat with her a little. If I give her some of my love, I might be better able to carry my sorrow.

I walked over to her wheelchair, kneeled down, took her hand and said, "Hi."

She greeted me. "He is so young, you know!" she said about Gregory. "You know I pray for you both every time I see you and your love for each other."

"Sometimes I wonder if there is a God?" she asked.

I thanked her for her prayers and her kind thoughts and tried to cheer her up a little, "Well you know, Gregory is happy and calm and content in his own way. They take very good care of him here. And there is a God if only because of your prayers and smile. We both appreciate that very much."

She smiled back as I took my leave and went back to hold Gregory's hand. It worked. I gave away love and was given love in return, and contentment, and peace.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 7

The Intention of today's Practice was peace and calm and healing not only for ourselves but also for the world. This in light of the Boston Marathon Bombing and the poisoned letters arriving at the offices of various senators and the White House.

Some how it felt especially good to offer the Practice to something greater than just myself. The beginning of this practice felt like what prayer should be ... and it felt good. Most prayer to me feels like a form of begging or negotiating with some old, wise man sitting in judgement, who exists outside of myself, and who controls what happens to me. I feel the most successful prayer, if I need to use that word, has to do with going inside myself having faith in knowing that the answers exist within. Today, I reached a new level of understanding about how I want to define prayer for myself.

In the part of the Practice where one deals with Emotions, Corinne suggested that instead avoiding letting the emotion distract from the meditation, we work with it.We should picture ourselves in front of a door with the emotion on the other side. When the door is opened, what form does the emotion take: a person, a feeling, a word, a place? Talk with the emotion. Spend some time with the emotion. What is it trying to say to you? What does it want to show you or have you learn? What do you want to say to the emotion?

For a lot of people, spending time with emotion is difficult. Confronting it, dealing with it, embracing it, is hard to do. For me, this time, much to my amazement my mother was on the other side of the door. She extended her arms and took me into her bosom. She told me that she knows how much sadness I hold in my heart and what a huge responsibility I have on my shoulders supporting Gregory through his difficulties with Alzheimer's Disease.  She asked me to let her help me carry my load and to support me. The experience was quite beautiful and reassuring.

This was the last Practice in this series of meetings. I have decided to take a month off and then look at joining the next session. I will miss the weekly "escapes" but can listen the recorded MP3's that Corinne sends us of each Practice if and when I need to. I owe her so much for the calm, tranquility, and lessons she has helped me work through using Yoga Nidra.

http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 1

I have begun the next round of seven sessions of Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/

It felt good to be back for the practice in what Corinne calls the "need to recharge." The session concentrated on the first 5 levels of the yoga practice (as pictured below) and lightly touched on the others.

My intention for the session was just to get back into the practice but also the word PEACE cropped up again.

My heartfelt desire is to be able to find a place where I can get away from yesterday, today, and tomorrow. To get away from myself, my responsibilities, my worries, my concerns. The ability to be in the NOW is so important and I want to be able to do that more often. The need to be at peace with myself and my life is so strong.

For at least one hour a week in Yoga Nidra, I can do just that, work on being able to do it more often on my own,  and as a bonus periodically get in touch with thoughts that I am not otherwise able hear because of all the noise in my head.

I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.

I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.

Then I added, just across a path, my tiny one room house just big enough for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply knowing how much is enough.

Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.

Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.

Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."

This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.

Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died but whom I still hold in my heart.

It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.

So I am well on my way to continued adventures with Yoga Nidra. I am also going to do a few sessions with Gregory which Corinne will tailor to his language abilities (if we can figure out where they lie) and see if he can benefit from just being in a quiet place with himself and no outside world expectations. As you can imagine, I will report back.

Finally I had to think about why I was posting my yoga experiences here on the Alzheimer's BLOG instead of my writer's BLOG. I guess Alzheimer's is such a large part of my life, as is Gregory such a large love of my life, that this was the best place for it.

Namaste

Meditation

I am taking a class at the Heartwood Center in Evanston with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/ and have been posting any insights I gain during the Sunday sessions. Today was session three.

This session we focused on JOY which interestingly enough I posted about last session as well. Corinne talked us through a way to focus on bringing JOY to the forefront of our thinking when we need it.

So far, through the mindful meditation and awareness of body and breath, I have developed for myself the concept that I exist within the boundaries of my physical body and the rest of the world is outside of my boundaries.

I can fill my boundaries with emotions, beliefs, and thoughts that I want to let in. I can invite the "difficult" in to look at, deal with, come to grips with, but then I can invite it out and close the door behind it.

Just because there are difficulties in my life does not mean that I have to allow them to "fill" me and my "body space" and drain me of happiness and joy.

So when Corinne suggested using color to activate the JOY that exists within, I defined my physical boundary space with a bright golden neon outline. When I want or need to focus on the JOY WITHIN, that is all I have to do is flip on the switch and the neon outline of my physical boundary will glow brightly.

Another realization arrived when I was at the most relaxed point of our meditation, "The mind gets in the way. If one can turn it off and JUST BE, one is probably the closest that one can be to truth and to peace. The rest is noise.

On going into the session, I had intended my "intent" to deal with my anger over interactions with Gregory that "get strange." I did get a message here too. It was brief and to the point. "Don't try to deal with the anger, just replace it with love, and more love!