Conundrum

conundrum |kəˈnəndrəm|noun ( pl. conundrums )a confusing and difficult problem or question: one of the most difficult conundrums for the experts.• a question asked for amusement, typically one with a pun in its answer; a riddle.ORIGIN late 16th cent.: of unknown origin, but first recorded in a work by Thomas Nashe, as a term of abuse for a crank or pedant, later coming to denote a whim or fancy, also a pun. Current senses date from the late 17th cent.While I chose this title to refer to the conundrum I found myself in today, it also fits into what I would call "The Riddle of Alzheimer's."After struggling with helping Gregory to select his clothes every morning for what has been at several months, I came to the conclusion that I should take over the responsibility. Because Gregory has such difficulties with word and item associations, my verbal explanations (although simple) and prompts were not helping. Even taking him into the closet and pointing at an item didn't help.For example this morning he had on undershirt and underpants and was holding his belt, knowing something was wrong. I prompted, "You need pants." He went into the closet, opened his drawer and began taking out a second pair of underpants. "How many pair of underpants do you need?" (Poorly asked question, slap my hand.) So he put back the second pair and began taking off the first pair.By the time I just took a pair of pants off the hanger and handed them to him, he was totally uncertain what he had to do next. "Put these on." That worked. Next, while he knew he needed the belt next, he fumbled with figuring out how to get it on. I had to thread it through the loops for him. I stopped "interfering" to see if he could pick up from here but with sox in hand, he pointed to his feet and said, "Something needs to go here." "Yes, sox." So he got up, went into the closet and got a second pair of sox. Before he could try putting on both pair, I took one and put it back in the drawer. He was able to select his shoes and put them on, today, and successfully after the sox were on. "Would it just be easier if I selected your clothes for you in the morning?" I asked gently. "You have been struggling with this for a long time and when I try to help, it doesn't seem to work."He thought for a short while and replied, "Yes. I think it would make it easier for me." He said this in a docile, earnest way. No anger, no frustration, no resentment, no loss. Obviously it was not the answer I wanted (although I knew it was the right answer) because I still want him to try to work through things. But his answer was much better then one of confusion, anger, frustration.It was the right answer because by now it was more than obvious that we were in a "loose/loose" situation. My help wasn't helping. If my "taking over" made him feel bad, it fit into the "Feel bad now or feel bad later" category. By my taking over, I will not get frustrated or short with him. I will easily be able to avoid snide or negative or resentful remarks (which I try keep to myself anyway but with which I do not always succeed.)The conundrum is that if I decide to "take over" at least there will be a predictability and a follow through for me but with him not having to work through getting dressed, he will loose the skill completely. Feel bad now or feel bad later?I will begin making the bed right when we get up so I can lay his clothes out in the right order without a rumpled bed to confuse him. I have velcroed the closet doors closed so he will not be tempted to dress himself, or get another pair of pants even thought I have put a pair on the bed for him. (Keeping everyone out of the closet but myself will also help with the recent problem of our new kitties chewing up our shoelaces.)As in the past, down the road I will ask Gregory if he would like to try taking the job of selecting his clothes back again. Sometimes he does and is successful. Other times he does and is NOT successful. Sometimes he just relinquishes the job calmly saying, "No thank you."The riddle is that maybe this new procedure will work, maybe not. Maybe it will work today but not tomorrow or maybe tomorrow but not the next. Just laying out his clothes every morning does not insure that he will be able to dress himself, remember to put everything on, and in the correct order. But as in the past, I will be ready to move on to the next conundrum, the next riddle, the next solution, or not.riddle 1 |ˈridl|nouna question or statement intentionally phrased so as to require ingenuity in ascertaining its answer or meaning, typically presented as a game.• a person, event, or fact that is difficult to understand or explain: the riddle of her death.
ORIGIN Old English rǣdels, rǣdelse ‘opinion, conjecture, riddle’; related toDutch raadsel,German Rätsel, also to read.

 

Frame of Mind

Just finished searching for meaning with Gregory. For approximately 5 minutes his level of frustration continued to rise as did mine. Tempers and emotions were kept at bay. Luckily.

My frame of mind: I had just realized that Gregory hadn't had his usual toast before I make him breakfast. I had just assumed that he would take care of it but he didn't. I apologized and told him I would make his breakfast in just a few minutes. I tried to finish up the short task in which I was involved.

His frame of mind: He came into the bedroom and stood at the corner of my computer desk. "You know what we can do is go down there." Where? "Just down there and over and then around there." For what? "To do what people do." I had hoped to have a quiet day at home? "No. Just to go down there and get what people get. Flowers." For what? "To bring home." Why? "To put here and there and there." I am thinking flowers to plant in the ground? We do not have a garden. Help me understand? Flowers to put on the table in a vase? He went over the same story. I tried to refocus him on the fact that we hadn't had breakfast yet. We went to the front door and enacted bringing home an arm full of flowers. To put where? You mean you want to buy flowers for the table? No help.


This went on for a while. I won't keep you guessing. I finally figured out that he thought is would be nice to go to the Farmer's Market, which isn't too far from the condo, to get flowers, fruit, vegetables etc to bring home.

Once I got that far, things fell into place. I was thinking about an immediate breakfast and he was thinking about a Farmer's Market which isn't for another six days, next Saturday. Once explained all was well again.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" You don't have to be, we figured it out. Meanwhile I am mentally and emotionally exhausted!

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Hi. Me again. Sometimes I hate burdening my BLOG with CRAZY EVENTS but since I have no one to talk to, you are it BLOG. So thanks for listening.

GOOD:
Just went to Whole Foods for one thing, Buttermilk for making "Helen's Refrigerator Bran Muffins." Came home with two bottles of Sangria to try, lunch meat, some chocolate for Gregory, and steak, corn, cucumbers, and fresh mozzarella for tomorrow's dinner. I.E. came home with everything but the Buttermilk. We both got a good laugh out of this.

BAD:
I made Oatmeal Raisin Walnut cookies today. Six dozen cookies now piled high and sitting on the cooling rack on the kitchen counter. I decided to start making cookies for Gregory because his five o'clock coffee and cookies is so important to him and I felt that home made cookies would be a nice addition. My emotions aside, this is what took place.

"Time for your coffee and some home made cookies."

"Oh is it?"

"Yes."

Gregory proceeded, in his ritualistic way, to open the cookie shelf and to begin selecting some to have with his coffee. I stopped him and pointed out, again, the home made oatmeal cookies that were on the counter waiting for him. Next, without getting any coffee, he took his previously selected cookies, sat down on the purple chair, and ate them.

I mentioned that he had not yet gotten his coffee and that I made (pointing) Oatmeal Raisin cookies for him to have with his coffee. I left the room. He poured his coffee, added milk, warmed it in the microwave. Took his coffee to his desk and sat down to drink it. Still no Home Made Oatmeal Raisin Walnut Cookies. My emotions aside.

UGLY:
It was all I could do to overcome my "Agita" and continue in my move towards doing EVERYTHING for him, ASSUMING NOTHING, and PRETENDING that everything is OK when it is NOT!

I took a breath and in my calmest possible voice asked him to come over to the counter. I showed him the cookies and asked if he knew what they were? "Yes." And what are they called? "Them." (A statement, not a question.) Yes, cookies. And what are they for? "To eat." Yes, so take a few to have with your coffee. "OK." Do it now. SILENCE, INERTIA. Take some now. "OK." I stood there to make sure and he took three cookies and went over to sit down with his coffee. Then I went back to my computer. My emotions aside.

He just came into the bedroom and said, "They are my favorite." I thanked him ... but what can I say. Where am I supposed to put my emotions, my inability to fathom what he is going through, my fear at what I have to do next, my not wanting to treat him like an invalid, the ability to treat him like a satient human being? I am not ready to do absolutely everything for him to avoid the risk of his and/or my frustration (my anger!) Sometimes our interactions are so convoluted that I am not sure what has happened.

He just came into the computer room again and said, "Thanks for out there." You are welcome.

So where do I go? What do I do? How do I get through this? Guess what - There are no answers and even the questions don't work anymore. Getting through it means surviving until the next interaction and sometimes over night. My emotions are not aside. They are slowly killing me.

The Getting Dressed Incident

We now have two companions who spend time with Gregory and that does make it easier for me to have some time to myself and to get away to meetings etc. Companions present their own problems and more work with scheduling, training, solving minor issues via text or phone, having a stranger in your home, trusting someone else to do the job that in your heart you feel only you can do but learning to "get over it."

Living with him continues to be difficult as I continue to try to learn how (after 35 years, can you imagine?)

Yesterday we were getting ready to go to a party and I thought I solved his "Getting Dressed Dilemma" problem by picking out what he would wear and laying it out on the bed (in the order one would put the clothes on.) My fatal mistake was not taking the blue jeans and shirt he was wearing from him when he took them off.

He got "Shirt Confused" and "Pants Frustrated." After taking his current clothes off, he put his new shirt and his black jeans on. Tried to put his blue jeans on over the black ones several times. (I just waited.) Then he took off his shirt. Tried the blue/black combination again bear chested but that didn't help. I finally had to help walk him through the "Clothing Sequence" and then we entered the "Black Sox and Shoes Zone."

I won't go into further detail but we finally did get dressed, left for the party, at which he and I had a great time. This morning he did his own "Thin Thin" (our version of toast) and is now reading the New York Times (a new "Technology" since his computer skills are all but gone," waiting while I have a cup of coffee, do e-mail and begin our "Sunday Oatmeal Ritual."