Refocusing One's Grief

I have been thinking about this lately. And today's DailyOm, which it often does, caused me to sit down and put my thoughts into words.

The closer we get to Christmas, the more I have been grieving Gregory's death, the sadder maybe even depressed I have been feeling.

I know that this is only natural and one will be told by everyone else that we should expect this on firsts: First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First Anniversary without Gregory in January which would have been (or should I say will be) 41 years together?

But I also know that Gregory does not need me to grieve, the universe is not benefitted by my grief, God (if she exists) does not need me to grieve. I am the one who needs to grieve but if it makes me sad, unhappy, and possibly depressed; maybe I do not need to grieve as much or in the way that I am doing so.

My Grief does not make Gregory's life any more or less meaningful. My Grief will definitely not bring him back to me for even a moment or two in realtime. My Grief will not being me joy, or cheer, or good feelings, or help support my health. So I continue to question Grief.

It is as if Grief gives me permission to wallow in my sorrows, my loneliness, my "what if's," my "if only's." It is as if I allow Grief to slow me down, feel tired, feel lethargic, to not accomplish those things I want to accomplish. I allow Grief to cause me to be poor company to friends and family.

So I continue to question grief. If I can turn my Grief into a more productive activity, I will be served. Gregory will be served. The universe will be served and God (if she exists) will are served. Family and friends and my two cats, Emma and Gigi, will be served. So I continue to question grief.

I believe that if I want to believe in something, then it is true. At least for me. So I continue my conversations, my dialogues with Gregory or with Gregory's Spirit although they at times might seem like monologues. But sometimes I hear Gregory's answers. At least I hear them in my head. At least they may be coming from him, from beyond, or from my 41 years of knowing what he would say, but none-the-less they come.

And I feel at times that Gregory, or Gregory's Spirit, is sad that I am sad, unhappy that I am unhappy, misses me because I miss him. I hear him telling me to try not to be so sad because it makes him feel sad as well. And that doesn't serve Gregory in whatever his next set of adventures and spiritual growth may need.

So I have been trying to grieve less. Grieve yes but less. When I feel sad I try to change the thoughts to ones of joy. When I feel lonely, I try to remember the good times and to be grateful for them. When I feel depressed, I sit with the feelings then tell myself to move on.

By allowing myself to stay sad, stay lonely, stay depressed, I am allowing myself to wallow in my grief instead of celebrating not only Gregory's life but also my own. I am seventy years old, I have much to celebrate and will have much to celebrate yet. By grieving less I will not be wasting those precious moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years I have left.

So enjoy, not grieve. Laugh, not cry. Celebrate, not mourn. Sing and dance. I tell myself. And most of the time it works. And when it doesn't, I allow myself to sit and wallow but not for more than fifteen minutes at a time. Then I continue on continuing on.

• • •

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December 20, 2015 Raise Your Vibration Focus on the Goodby Madisyn Taylor There are many ways to raise your vibration including thinking positive and uplifting thoughts. Everything in the universe is made of energy. What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless. Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration. We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means “vibrating very rapidly.” The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration. On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don’t want to be vibrating and why. To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress. There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation. One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly—a person, a movie, an experience. When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.

Revisiting Halloween

Several years ago, Gregory and I joined dear friends Ken and Amethel Parel-Sewell and their sons (our God Sons) Kai and Pas in Louisville for their annual Halloween Party. Everyone on the block decorates and thousands of people from all over Louisville come to the neighborhood to participate in the event! Gregory enjoyed sitting on the steps handing out Trick or Treats. My costume was a Pirate and Gregory was my parrot (although too big to sit on my shoulder.) The costume was provided by Nephew and Niece Mark and Colleen. Gregory and I won first place for best costume!

Halloween

Gregory's Peaceful the Bear has a Halloween costume but he didn't get to wear it for Gregory.

Día de los Muertos - Day of the Dead

Gregory and I have long celebrated Día de los Metros, Day off the Dead. We collected items from our travels in Mexico as well as from the National Museum of Mexican Art in Chicago.

At Michael's Museum: A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures, two of the collections include a 24"x36" and a 36"x36" alter, offerenda. 

There are also offerendas in our home. This year one is modeled after a Mexican Cafe and the other, which for the first time, includes a photograph of Gregory along with my mom and dad and Gregory's mom and dad. I wonder if his soul will be ready to visit on November 1 and 2?

Día de los Muertos - Day of the Dead:

On Kitchen Island of Condo: Mexican Cafe

Día de los Muertos - Day of the Dead:

Family Alter

Día de los Muertos - Day of the Dead:

Michael's Museum at Chicago Children's Museum on Navy Pier

Día de los Muertos - Day of the Dead:

Michael's Museum at Chicago Children's Museum on Navy Pier

(Taken from the Chicago Tribune)

The Coming of Christmas

While I did well with Thanksgiving, I am not sure how I will do for Christmas.

All around me are the beginning signs of Christmas, some since before Halloween. Christmas carols 24/7 on the radio, stores are decorated, lamp posts bewreathed, city Christmas trees waiting for their lighting ceremonies.

But, at least for now, instead of beginning to feel the spirit (and the spirit usually does infect me) I am feeling an emptiness. The emptiness is in the air around me, in the space of the condo, along when I am driving, and filling my heart and emotions. Interesting, emptiness filling me?

For 40 years the most important holiday for Gregory and me has been Christmas. Celebrated with family, celebrated with friends, celebrated just the two of us. Unpacking the tree and ornaments, baking cookies, making hot chocolate, entertaining gifts, giving gifts not only to each other but also to family, friends, service providers, store keepers.

So I sit with my grief, sit with my suffering, sit with my tears and when they settle down get up and get on with my life.

I have decided that I do not want to unpack all the decorations. Too many emotions. So I will unpack just a few of them.

The three foot artificial tree that we have been using for years will sit in front of the living room windows. It is already strung with lights and antique glass German ornaments and waiting to come out of the box where it sits since last year. All I need to do is feather dust the dust and plug it in.

I have five antique brush trees which are approximately 6" tall and wrapped, spiraling top to bottom, with a garland of miniature glass balls. They will sit on the "Changing Collection" shelf in the entrance hall. I'll post a photo when I get them in place.

I might put the wreath on the front door and I might put a smaller artificial tree with lights and bangle baubles on the bookcase that runs the length of the bedroom.

I will make Great Grandma Barbara's German Christmas Cookies, a family tradition going back well over one hundred years to Gregory's mother's father's mother. If you can count that high. But this year, I will not make dozens and dozens of dozens types of cookies. Oh, in thinking, maybe I will make G and my favorite Adeline's Walnut Balls (in vanilla and chocolate.)

What I will most likely do is create some new traditions for myself and see if that helps me through the search.

Today, the day after Thanksgiving, I will take a newly purchased 18" tall plastic tree to Lieberman and Gregory and I will decorate it for his room. We will "twist tie" the ornaments and garland in place so they do not "disappear."

Gregory and I have thought about this in the past and this year I will follow through for both of us on getting $100.00 in singles and passing them out to every person I pass who has set up their "begging bowl."

I promised Vivian, a resident-mate of Gregory's, that if her family didn't bring her a little Christmas tree for her room, I would do it.

As a Christmas/Hannukah thank you to the Lieberman departments, I will drop off bowls of wrapped Christmas peppermint balls and dreidels with a sign that says, "Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy New Years, Happy Winter."

For New Years I will offer wrapped Chinese Fortune Cookies in a bowl with a sign that says, "Wishing you Good Fortune in the New Year."

I will see what other "traditions" I can come up with and let you know as the season proceeds. I put the word "traditions" in quotes because I have been accused of the following quote: THE BEST TRADITIONS ARE THE NEW ONES YOU CREATE TODAY!

Wooden Ornament, made by friends Jan and Jake

Given to us in 1987 when we moved into the first
house we purchased 27 years ago.

Thanksgiving Thanks With Purpose

I am aware today that being Thanksgiving has been OK for me. I am completely in the present and not thinking about Gregory and my past Thanksgivings and not thinking about our future ones. (Having typed this is kind of like thinking but not really:-)

I am aware of feeling joyful and happy. I am looking forward to celebrating the holiday. The reason I think is that I have filled today with purpose. I straightened up the condo and emptied the dish washer. I ran a load of laundry. I communicated some on my computer.

I made "Thank You" sign tents to post around Lieberman. This time around no mass distribution of food or candy like other holidays but rather a verbal thank you: Front Desk - Administrative Offices  PT/OT - Volunteer Office - Art Therapy - Life Enrichment - Kitchen - Laundry - 5 Floor Nurses Station - Second Floor Building Lounge - Head Nurse: Alicia - Social Worker: Hannah - Activity Director: Alma - G’s RCA: Tomika, Hazel, Luberta - Dining Room: Dorina - Restorative Nurse: Julie - Dietician: Stephanie - Private Care: Manny and Private Care: Connie.

I gave Manny half of today off and I will be with Gregory for Thanksgiving Dinner at Lieberman. For $7.00 I can join in on the whole roasted turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie. So Gregory and I will be having Thanksgiving Dinner together. I am also looking forward to spending a longer period of time with him instead of the one to three usual hours a day.

I gave Manny off tomorrow so my friend Pat will help Gregory with lunch and I will be with him for dinner again tomorrow.

I did make some "treats" for the immediate helpers on the fifth floor. I baked two 9x13 pans of pecan brownies, cut into a total of 48 pieces.

So in all, I am celebrating Thanksgiving in a new way, in a "here and now" way, in a joyful, wonderful way. I am happy.

Just Not Fair

Periodically, I find myself uttering "Just Not Fair" and while not fully sure what I mean, it makes sense to me and perhaps lets me move on from the reason why I said it.

This weekend, knowing that Gregory was fully covered by helpers Manny and Alaksh, and while knowing that he is always very happy to see me, he would probably not realize my absence; I decided to go to Battle Creek to visit his family over the Easter weekend.

Besides getting to see the family, I looked forward to my first getaway in over a year! Just knowing I could get into the car and take off, with relatively no worries, stop when I wanted to for lunch, antique shop along the way, and get to spend time with people I love was wonderful. The food was good (Colleen is a great cook) and I slept well. Shared a lot of conversation with everyone and laughed a lot.

But driving the four hours and passing so many places that Gregory and I used to comment on or stop at found me muttering, "This is just not fair!" Visiting without him at my side, even when in the past it was getting more and more difficult, is something I would love to be able to do again. Just not fair that Gregory will never again be able to go to Michigan to visit his family. Just not fair that we will not be able to stop in Michigan City at the Antique Market Mall. Just not fair that we will not be able to visit "Chocolate World."

I find that when I am able to separate now and then, I do well. When I do not think about Gregory when I am without him, I do OK. When I do not think about the rest of my life and the life we had together while I am with him, I do OK. But when the two cross over, the tears rise and at times overflow.

When I am at Lieberman giving him a manicure, or watching South Pacific again (and again,) or helping him with dinner, or just holding hands; I can hold my own if I do not think of home, my current life, or the past.

When I am at home I enjoy the solitude of the condo; the ability to easily take care of myself without having to do much planning; choosing when, what, and where I want to have a meal; I can hold my own if I do not think of Gregory and Lieberman.

When I am truly able to live in the "here and now," much like Gregory is able to do, I can hold my own.

But over the Easter weekend, I found myself saying "This just isn't fair" a number of times as I helped bring family up to date on Gregory's situation, at the Easter dinner so lovingly and beautifully prepared and served, when I rolled over in bed in "our room" at Mark and Colleen's realizing that Gregory was not there with me.

There are so many "This just isn't fair's" that I could make along list. But I choose not to do so here or to do so now because I would not be able to hold my own and I need to!

Happy Valentine's Day

This will be the first Valentine's Day in 39 years that I have not planned something special for Gregory. No, I am lying. Yesterday I discovered a new bakery near Lieberman called "Nothing Bundt Cakes." They sell bundt shaped cup cakes called buntinys, individual cakes called bundtettes, and small-medium-and large bundt cakes. Every day they offer approximately one dozen different flavors.

So I bought a chocolate, chocolate chip bundt cake to take to Gregory when I visit today. I will also pick up one red rose for him. He will be with Manny from 11:30 - 4:30 (his new helper) but I will drop by around 3:00 to spend an hour with him.

Last night I had an awareness, maybe because I had been thinking about Valentine's Day. The awareness is that I LOVE GREGORY. I had an image of him bearly able to smile at seeing me, sitting in his oversized wheel chair, tipped back for comfort, neck pinched to the left (PT is working on this,) having just been cleaned up from a pee and poop in his pants, food stain on his shirt, too large blue jeans, hands trembling, dozing on and off while I offered him a piece of broken in half animal cookie and some milk in a box through a straw.

I love this man as he is. I no longer love him as he was because that is no longer what he is. In fact, to help keep my emotions in tow, I have not been allowing myself to think too much about the past, about the wonderful times, about our wonderful relationship. I have been working very hard to remain here and now, in the present, in the moment in fact.

And I realized that I love this shell of a man, this remnant of a man, this handicapped man, this mentally deficient man. I love my Gregory with all my heart. No matter how much of him is gone, I love him even more. Maybe MORE THAN EVER!

What is it that I love about him, I do not know for sure. But the essence of the man I have loved for over 39 years still exists in him and in me. The love and dedication and support and loyalty and responsibility we had for each other continues as long as I am able to hold up my half of the bargain. Happy Valentine's Day Gregory. I Love You!

Happy Holidays

Shanah Tovah

To our Jewish Family and Friends, may you be inscribed in the Book of Life for a good year. Shanah Tovah. May your new year be sweet and abundant! Rosh Hashanah - Happy New Year.

Fondly, Michael and Gregory

Holiday Time

(Disclaimer Below Entry)

We always look forward and are excited about the Christmas season. We decorate the house early and take it down late. We throw a large party (this year over 40 attended,) and a number of smaller ones. We bake cookies (this year over 20 dozen,) wrap presents (for family and support service people and just a few for each other,) go to the Christmas Kris Kringle Market downtown, have a few theater engagements, and eat out a little more often than usual. 

On Christmas Eve we cook a special dinner at home and watch the George C. Scott version of "A Christmas Carol, open our presents, have cookies and tea. On Christmas Day we go to friends for dinner. We have friends in for New Year's Eve and look forward to a visit from our niece and nephew for a late Christmas sometime during the middle of January.

Disclaimer: It used to be WE, now it is I because Gregory is no longer able to help with planning, preparation, execution, and/or cleanup of all these events. I do get tired but also get extra sleep. I do get overwhelmed, but also try to keep the details simple. I do have my annual Christmas Cry but cheer up pretty quickly. 

In all, it is well worth while because Gregory still enjoys the festivities and even thrives on them even though it is a little more difficult for me during the down time when he seems a little more confused. But the holidays still work for us so WE (read I) will hold on to them for as long as possible and simplify them as we go along and as necessary. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve and snow is making it a white one. Earlier, we went out for a walk in the snow and for lunch. Just finishing up coffee and a read which is what happens most evenings around five o'clock. Next a light dinner, watching "A Christmas Carol," and opening presents with a cup of hot chocolate and some of the cookies we baked: chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, peanut butter, walnut balls, chocolate walnut balls, brownies, and date nut bars. Then to bed.

Tomorrow will be more of the same. Resting, reading, sharing. Dinner of roast turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, orange cranberry relish, and a salad. Perhaps we will go for a walk again in the snow. For sure a nap will be in order sometime during the day.

This is the first "just Gregory and Michael" Christmas in a long while. We are counting January 10th as our 35 anniversary together and for at least 34 of those we have spent Christmas with family, both our assigned biological and/or our selected Gay one. This year one biological family lives far away and the other is traveling for the holidays. Half of the Gay Family is in Italy spending Christmas and two months on the move. A number of other friends are taking the opportunity to have a low key holiday as well.

Both Gregory and I are looking forward to this down time. Just the two of us, our warm cozy home decked out with holiday flair, and the baby Jesus. As Santa drives out of sight, we can hear him calling, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night."

Even at Christmastime

"How is Gregory doing," I was asked by my friend John.

I replied, "Hanging in there! Currently things seem to be 'even' as I like to say. That means he is coping pretty well with the day to day and I am coping pretty well with him!

We are having a busy but low key Christmas. The house is decorated and we have yet to decorate the ginger bread house and bake some cookies.

We have plans for Christmas activities at The Botanic Garden, The Lincoln Park Zoo, and The Kris Kindle Market. We will invite a few friends in for cookies and tea.

I have purchased some wonderful gifts to give to him and I have also purchased some wonderful gifts for him to give to me.

Things are good. We are blessed."

It's Amazing

We are now finished with our decorating for the holiday. There are little Christmas trees with little ornaments everywhere you look; two in the kitchen, five on Gregory's table, one in the guest bathroom, one in the master bathroom, and one in our bedroom.

There are large, heavy, mercury glass ornaments of various sizes hanging across the sprinkler system pipe that crosses the living room: shades of blue, green, red, orange to yellow, purple, silver and white.

Three dozen glass ball ornaments are suspended in a spiral from the HVAC duct down the entry hall. They are attached via magnets, attached to springs, attached to alligator clips attached to the balls. The great thing is that the ornaments are all off color, none Christmassy: chartreuse, lime, lilac, purple, pink, black, white, turquoise, etc.

The mistletoe is hanging at the end of the hall suspended below a metal Star with a picture of Santa painted on it. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

A freshly baked ginger bread house sits on the coffee table. It is decorated with a meringue cookie roof, multi-colored bubble gum ridge pole, red and green candy corn fence, spearmint leaf bushes, frosting decorated windows and doors, a candy cane wreath, and a chocolate flavored stones making a cobble sidewalk.

Metallic colored metal words: joy, believe, peace, love, faith, and hope, dangle from magnets on the furnace vent in the hall.

A plastic Santa glows in the guest bath, a plastic snowman lights up the master bath, and a ceramic Christmas tree with plastic beads glows at the end of the kitchen counter.

Three sizes of white lights are wrapped around the balcony railing and plastic candy canes are hung with care along the length of the balcony. A live tree, three feet high sits in the middle with its white lights glowing softly.

In the past, Gregory and I decorated the house together. Now-a-days I do it by myself and he helps when he can. Mostly Gregory sits and watches and takes great joy in seeing the "things" of our holiday get unwrapped and put into place.

A stack of presents gayly wrapped sit on top of my computer console. As usual I have bought some wonderful gifts for Gregory and I have bought some wonderful gifts for me from him. I usually get what I want for Christmas!

Throughout this process, I was very aware of an amazing thing. I was and am feeling blessed, happy, content, and joyful. Alzheimer's is besides the point. To end this BLOG, I'll repeat the words I look at in the hall each night before I go to bed: joy, believe, peace, love, faith, and hope. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

A Visit with Margaret

Yesterday Gregory and I had invited Dominga and Margaret to drop by for some Christmas Cheer. Dominga used to be the general housekeeper for our condo building. She also takes care of our cat Mariah when we are out of town. Now she is taking care of Margaret (who also lives in the condo) 24/7. Margaret has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.

Margaret and Dominga arrived at 3:00. When we answered the door, Dominga handed me the black rubber door stop she used to prop open the door while she pushed Margaret’s wheelchair through into the unit. Margaret was dressed very nicely in her black slacks and red, black, and white sweater and shiny black pumps. Her hair was well groomed and she was wearing just a hint of perfume. Her glasses were perched intelligently on her nose. She seemed very happy to see us although we had only met her briefly in the lobby once before. Kisses and hugs all around.

She complimented and went on about how nicely our home was decorated. “Really fancy. Quite elegant. Who did all this? How nice!” I offered Dominga and Margaret a choice of coffee, tea, or a glass of wine. Margaret said wine would be lovely. I asked if she would prefer red or white. She said white would be lovely. Meanwhile, Dominga was signaling in the background, “No wine. Medications. No wine.” I poured the wine for the rest of us and opened a can of LeCroix carbonated water and filled a wine glass for Margaret. I squeezed a slice of lemon into the sparkling water. When I handed it to her I said, “Here is your champaign.” She sipped it and said, “Lovely.” 

After we all had our drinks and were sitting in the living room, we made polite conversation. Our conversation with Dominga was comfortable as we have known her for a while and had things in common. Our conversation with Margaret was a little more interesting and unpredictable. Gregory was mostly quiet. I carried most of the conversation, as I am so good at (and used to doing.) 

In response to my questions to Margaret, intermingled with general conversation with Dominga, Margaret was variously 47 to 87 years old, had two to four sons, mentioned Gary as her son and at times as her husband, had lived in the condo for 8 years (the condo has only been open for 2,) gushed again over how elegant our place was, and commented frequently on the snow that was drifting by outside the living room windows. She was looking forward to the Chanukah party that her son (husband) was giving on the weekend downstairs in one of the restaurants (really the condo’s community room.)

Then she wanted to go. She turned to Dominga and gruffly said, “You got me into this, now I think it is time to go.” I asked Margaret if she wouldn’t keep us company for just a little while longer and with her returned sweet smile and kind demeanor she said, “Of course.”

Eventually it was definitely time for them to leave. Margaret was getting a little angry. Very often people with Alzheimer’s get agitated when the sun begins to go down. Scientists are not exactly sure why Sun Downing occurs but say it could be caused simply by change, less light, shadows, body chemistry, who knows? 

Margaret was very loving and appropriately affectionate throughout her visit. Once she was in the process of leaving, her anger and agitation disappeared. Hugs and kisses were important on her arrival as well as on her departure. We gave Dominga a box of chocolates wrapped in Christmas paper and Margaret a small round tin of raspberry sucking candies. The tin wasn’t wrapped but had a red bow on the top. She was so pleased to get a gift but tried to give the ribbon back. She wasn’t sure what to do with the tin. 

Total visit time: 56 minutes.

Margaret: RIP January 2008

Traveling for the Holidays

Our Thanksgiving holiday went extremely well. We spent five+ days in Michigan visiting Gregory's family. It was great to spend time together on the road and to be away from home and the accompanying errands and chores.

While in Michigan, I was extra attentive to Gregory's needs, tried very hard to anticipate problem areas and/or times, helped keep him organized in the guest room where we stayed, planned ahead to make sure I brought everything he would need when I packed.


I made sure that I assured him he was doing well and that he could count on me at any time including waking me up at night if necessary. Our family is well aware of Gregory's situation with Alzheimer's and how to interact with him in a way that maintains a calm atmosphere is supportive, respectful, and easy for him to navigate.

I took care of myself by exercising, not eating too much of the wonderful Thanksgiving food, and arranging to spend some of the time away from Gregory. It was good for him to spend time alone with his nephew and for me to get out with our niece to do lunch, Christmas shopping, and antiquing. One day Gregory and our niece went for a long walk a the nearby forest. I had that time to myself.


The holiday itself was spent his Gregory's brother and sister-in-law, nephew and his wife, niece and her daughter. Dinner was delicious, multi-coursed, and we didn't have to do any of the work. Time with his family is always enjoyable (even with family ups and downs.)

When back home, I was extra alert to what I call "re-entry." Very often it is not being away from home that causes Gregory trouble but rather arriving back home and his trying to get back into routines and home habits. I have learned to have few or no expectations for Gregory for the first few days home.


I will not ask him to do much even of those things he can do like folding laundry and setting the table. I unpack, do the laundry, and put things away. When he has problems readjusting I assure him that, "It is just the re-entry." That makes him feel better. When he wants to help I suggest, "Why not just relax for now. Go have some coffee and read your book."

Most of the above knowledge has not been easily gained and not instantly. It has taken time, observations, trial and error, apologies for being impatient and at times rude. But things, for now, seem to work well when we travel to visit family both for the holidays and other times as well.

Home for the Holidays

The holidays have always been an important part of our life. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve are the big ones. July 4th is important not only to our nation but it also is Gregory's birthday. He will be 63 next July. We try to celebrate all holidays with family and friends. Gregory still enjoys being with people and doesn't seem to mind crowds, so we "entertain big." 

Naturally I have taken over all of the responsibility for planning, shopping, preparing, and serving any meals or appetizers. We just recently had our housekeeper help at a large party, it worked well and helped me a lot. Gregory helps when possible with some of the prep, for example: peeling the potatoes, washing the vegetables, any easy repetitive activity. Also he will join me in the kitchen as I prepare, sitting on the stool at the counter and watching the process as we talk and share. 

During the parties I keep an eye on him to make sure he does not become overwhelmed by the activity or noise. If he does get upset, we go off to the bedroom for a while until he calms down. I'll ask him how he is doing and if he is having any difficulty I am able to suggest alternatives that might make it easier for him. We have never gotten into a situation where his behavior becomes inappropriate.

The biggest trick here is not to wear myself out with all the work involved in giving a party. I will try to do the food purchase and prep a day at a time to be ready by the end of the week when the party takes place. I plan a good but easy meal, let COSTCO or Trader Joe's do most of the work. At some point I might turn to a catering service.

When we do spend time at friends' or family's' homes, I am able to stay close in case he becomes disoriented or in need. Our family and friends are all very supportive of Gregory and his situation. I go out of my way to keep them informed of his "progress" and they do well in their communication, interactions, and expectations for Gregory. If necessary I am able to gently intervene and help him save face.

The good part of Christmas is that I have always purchased gifts for Gregory he has always alowed me to purchase gifts for myself FROM Gregory. So I know that I will still be getting some very great gifts, the ones that I ask Santa for.