Insight or Intuition? Real or Imagined? PART III

Yesterday I visited Gregory after dinner. I asked him if he would like to see photographs from our visit to Paris and he replied, "Oh Yes!" I was amazed at how energetic his answer was and wondered if he really knew what I was asking.

When Gregory gets really excited about something he borders on being emotional and crying for joy, he was there at my suggestion to re-visit Paris.

I set up my iPhone to show the photographs on his large flat screen, 42" TV. While I have many, many photos of our time in Paris, I showed the album called "Reprise" which contained the best of the photos of all the places we visited while in Paris for 11 days.

In many ways this was a significant breakthrough in my interactions with Gregory as he really was engaged with the photos, and as I named the places and retold some of the stories he really responded appropriately.

Ironically he put on his "I am a French Man" role playing but now and then corrected my pronunciation of the names of the places we were discussing.

Periodically he lost focus on the TV but I was able to bring him back. One time he got a little perplexed with me and said, "I am looking at the TV!" Sure enough when I leaned over I could see he  did have his eyes in the right place!

Throughout our looking at the 50+ photos he commented, agreed with my naming, responded to the stories. Periodically I would ask, "Are you enjoying this?" and he would reply, "OH YES!"

So lessons learned are that while Gregory's world is very narrow, and while he is comfortable with that world, it is not a bad idea to periodically revisit fun times we had in the past as long as their loss is not too traumatic. For example Paris was good, Mexico will probably be good, but I am not sure about looking at his past architecture projects and certainly would never show him photos of the condo!

I was so pleased with the evening Gregory and I spent together. I cannot describe the joy I felt at being able to give him this experience. I keep talking about "Little Miracles" and this was another one!

P.S. I enjoyed seeing the photographs as well!

Luxembourg Gardens

Luxembourg Gardens

Luxembourg Gardens

Luxembourg Gardens

 The Seine with Notre Dame in background.

  The Seine with Notre Dame in background.

Notre Dame Cathedral

The Louvre 

The Metro

Carousel near the Metro stop by our apartment.

Pompidou Museum

Eiffel Tower

 

Eiffel Tower

 M. Goldberg's Deli in the Marai

Scene of an anti-Semitic bombing 20 years earlier.

Place des Vosges, a wonderful complex of old

apartments surrounding a the park on four sides.

 Like most buildings in Paris, multi socio economic groups living together. Shop on first floor make second floor with short ceilings perfect for shop keepers apartments. Third floor with huge floor to ceiling windows for the wealthy. Fourth floor with smaller windows for middle class families. And finally fifth floor "Grotto" for students and the poor with single bedrooms and a shared bath.

La Madeleine Church outside

 La Madeleine Church inside

Laduree, a famous pastry shop.

Scare-Coeur Church on Montmartre

Scare-Coeur Church on Montmartre

Street singer on Montmartre

Us having lunch on Montmartre

Veaux de Viconte outside Paris. One of Gregory's lifetime dreams finally realized.

Famous sidewalk cafe: Les Deux Magots

Opera Garnier

Extreme Trust

Over the last few weeks I have been posting about End of Life topics.

1) I dealt with not sending Gregory to ER when his fever would not break even though the doctor though I should.

2) I thought about under what conditions I would use ER.

3) I revisited Gregory and my previous conversations about "no heroics, do not resuscitate, no inadvertent prolonging of life."

4) I made the decision to apply for Hospice (which while dealing with end of life does not mean that death is just around the corner.)

I am aware that all of these dealings are easy for me on an INTELLECTUAL level, but then the EMOTIONAL level creeps in and I cry, and sob, and want to get hysterical and scream and rend and smash.

While I enjoy being with Gregory and am able to love him as he is today, in his world, I also know that I do not want him to "stick around" for my benefit and I know that his condition will continue to get worse.

The separation will not be easy but I know that I will get through it. I also know that while I can decide, via Power of Attorney over Health, what measure will be taken; I cannot decide when his life will begin to end. That is his job and the universe which watches over him.

So getting to the point of this post. It is not easy making these decisions on Gregory's behalf. The first thought that came to mind was what "Extreme Trust" he has placed in me to make these decisions.

Then a second through quickly replaced the first, which helps explain why these have been emotional times for me.

The EXTREME TRUST is that which I place in myself to be able to make these decisions on Gregory's behalf!

Optimism

Interesting shifts take place the longer one deals with being an Alzheimer's Caregiver Partner. I realized that while taking care of my partner (keeping him as safe, clean, content, useful, busy, etc) I have forgotten to figure myself into the equation.

Not that I don't take care of myself but the personalities of the Caregiver Partners seem to merge with my own taking second place. All thoughts are shadowed by Gregory and his Alzheimer's.

The task is all consuming physically, emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually with little time left for myself. People always say, "Are you taking care of yourself?" While they are well meaning, it tells me that they do not really understand what it takes to be in this position. 

Of course I am taking care of myself as much as possible. I eat well. I continue to sleep well. I can got out on my own when Gregory's Companions are with him. I read, go to the theater, eat candy, enjoy cooking, feel good about the order I am able to create for Gregory and me in our home.

But the emotional side of seeing your loved one continue to disintegrate in front of your eyes on a daily basis, unable to do today what he could do yesterday, who knows about tomorrow, and to try to untangle the messy web of associations he gets himself into cannot be put to rest.

The constant monitoring of his needs, actions, behaviors, thoughts is a job that cannot take a ten minute break, a weekend off, let alone a vacation. It is with you all the time even when I are not with Gregory.

Even while "taking care of yourself" it is very difficult to leave the mental and emotional part behind. It reminds me of people to try to escape from their problems by going on vacation or more extremely running away from their problems only to realize the problems came along with them. You can avoid your problems but that will not help solve them!

But then this shift I first spoke of began to take place. After 35+ years of being part of a loving, respectful, growing relationship and after 10+ years of being the lead caregiver partner, one begins to reestablish his own individuality and his own identity.

Yes I am still Gregory's Life Partner. Yes I am the lead member of his caregiving team. But I am also me and I am separate and I am different and I am unique and I will somehow come out on the other side of this Alzheimer's as a whole me.

This shift began to take place during my Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation sessions when I realized that all the work done during the meditation was about Gregory instead of about me.

Once I made that shift I found that by making the meditation, the quest, the ability to quiet the noise in my head about me and not him, I was in a better place. I could be better with and for Gregory as well as for myself. 

In other words I began to concentrate on me NOT on him and we all received the benefits. For example, NOT "How can I be better for Gregory" but rather "How can I be a better person." One step further is accepting my desires in the present tense, already present and already functioning. I AM A BETTER PERSON!

This BLOG's writing was sparked by today's horoscope as added below. I realized as I read it and identified with what it had to say, that I was thinking about me and my life and my future and not necessarily Gregory's. This may sound selfish but it is not.

My meditations will change me ... not Gregory. It will help me create a more patient, calm, loving environment for Gregory but he will still have to be the one to live in his world. I will work at understanding his world, but I do not have to live in it!

• • • • •

From: http://www.dailyom.com
March 9, 2013
Lifted by Outlook
Aries Daily Horoscope

Your optimism can spark your determination today, providing you with the motivation you need to reach a new phase of accomplishment. The visions of a more beautiful future that you entertain while working and playing will likely inspire you to double your efforts where your ambitions are concerned. You may feel buoyant and energized as you contemplate the fulfillment of your expectations. And because you are likely approaching your tasks with an attitude of confidence today, you may find that you do not hesitate when presented with auspicious opportunities. If you take pleasure in your quest for accomplishment, you will likely have little trouble looking on the brighter side of life.

The most potent forms of motivation are often those that originate within us, fueled by the joy we feel when we contemplate our positive expectations. When we focus on our dreams and hopes, we need not concern ourselves greatly with the trials we face in the pursuit of our ambitions. Though we must address these issues directly, they do not cause anxious thoughts to blossom in our minds. Rather, we choose to treat tribulation pragmatically by doing all that is within our power to overcome the roadblocks that stand in the way of our eventual success. Our spirits never flag and we can take pride in the fact that we are doing our best to meet our goals, no matter what the outcome of our efforts is. The optimism you carry in your heart today will energize you and ensure that you stay strong in the face of adversity.