An E-Mail Reply

From niece MB (daughter of Al, Greg's oldest brother:) 
I have been concerned about you since Gregory has moved into his new home. I know they are taking care of him. That will give you time to make adjustments to your life.

Thanks for the kind words. I am doing well. We have been struggling with this for over ten years and the major difference, now that Gregory is in the advanced stages of the disease, is that the concerns, needs, and ability to define new normalcies have been narrowed. 

For the most part the routines and normalcies for Gregory are now predictable whereas during the early parts of his disease, it was a baseball game without rules!

As for my living alone, our relationship was always one of parallel growth. We both had the same interests and friends but maintained our individual interests and friends, and of course the two overlapped at points. So while I have to redefine my new life living alone, I do not have to redefine my life or identity entirely. 

I have had to learn to live in the present moment, as Gregory does, and to see life through his eyes. When I am able to do that, I am happy and content. When I begin to see his life through my eyes, I have more difficulties avoiding crying and grief.

Not sure if there will be a price in the future, but for now I have been separating myself into two parts. When I am by myself and at home I try not to think of Gregory and our past 39 years and when I am with him I try not to think about home and my life and our past 39 years. 

Some Buddhist monks spend a lifetime learning how to live in the here and now, without living in the past or the future. Both Gregory and I have been able to do that. He because of the Alzheimer's me because of my great love for him.

At home I'll keep busy with friends, keeping the condo up, writing, etc but when I am with Gregory, sometimes we just sit and hold hands and that is paradise and enough.

In the beginning it was difficult learning how to let go and become the Secondary Care Giver with The Lieberman Center (and their trained, knowledgable staff) being the Primary Care Giver. 

I am still Gregory's advocate but have begun to know how to choose my "battles." The staff at Lieberman actually listen to and hear what I say, try to accommodate my suggestions and Gregory's needs, but also help educate me when I am out of order or unrealistic in my goals for him.

Gregory's CONDITION is much worse and continues to worsen but his SITUATION is so much better ... so my heart is light.

Contentment

According to Nancy Rosen on visiting Gregory.

N: Do you like it here? (Lieberman)

G: Yes

G: It's enough

An E-Mail to C and M, Our Niece and Nephew

C & M

How about a visit Wed August 7 through Sunday August 11? We have theater tickets the next weekend.Want to spend longer so G and I could enjoy the area, spend more time with R & L, and more being with M & D. Of course we can never get enough time with you guys but understand that you'll be working during the week. No expectations for your being available during the week.

Interesting comment on thinking about what is still to come. Do you have any idea of what you might be looking for? You certainly are a success in your personhood, your real estate career, your love relationship, etc But I guess that you are still young enough to aspire to more, bigger, better, different, etc. 

For me, I feel that I can relax on that account because I have achieved much and have what I want (given G's Alzheimer's.) I do not find the need to prove myself or to "earn my keep" in society. Been there done that. While Michael's Museum was great and continues to be a wonderful legacy I am happy it is over. I also recently quit Ragdale because my efforts and volunteerism there began to feel like a job. Feels good to say goodbye to them while I hold on to the fond memories of my residency in 2010.

One continuing desire is to be a published author. Not self-publicaiton but bigger. So I guess I think about that but not obsessively and many not strongly enough to really get it done. 

I have begun my first attempt at writing fiction. Based on my real psychic past life regression experience which I think we have talked about. I am researching the time period of each "life" and trying to flesh out a chapter for each person I have been based on the regressions: Carny, Nun, Farm Wife, Rural Child, and Renaissance Baker. 

Travel might be a possibility but only will happen if I can do it by myself, with G being taken care of, and while OK it is a little lonely to do so without him. P has said it would be fun to travel together. She spent a long weekend with G and I in Mexico and I think we would get along as travel partners. 

But for the most part I am content to be at home with Gregory. I can fantasize about big trips to Europe or Japan etc but don't really believe that I have it in me, even with help. Maybe when the ship comes in and we can take R or P along all expenses paid it would make it easier, or with you and M. Fun to think about.

I would like to have more avenues to express my creativity but that seems back door to getting through each day. Sometimes I think that I can NEVER be creative ENOUGH! 

I find that Gregory and my world continues to narrow and we pull in but that is probably a combination of old age and his illness. We keep busy, see friends, entertain, are entertained, enjoy the movies on DVD and our theater and opera adventures. I do not feel the need to accomplish anything great or volunteer and give give give anymore.

G's birthday party was best attended ever with close to 50 people attending. All had a good time. But I find myself saying I need to cut back, after all planning, executing, and cleaning up after a party like that for a man who is almost 70 years old takes its toll. I am not crying "old man" but am getting older, aren't I? Next year fully catered or just having people in for fireworks, cake, and birthday wishes.

Agreed good and bad are one and both part of being alive. One must take the one with the other.

Regarding your question, we are doing fine. I am feeling a little constricted since we have no companion and I had gotten used to have some freedom and alone time. I expect more students will respond to our notice when they begin returning to campus.

Meanwhile I have enlisted R and J to be with Greg for three times so I can investigate Memory Care Facilities in the area. We are far from that need with many options available but I want to know what is available and get a sense for how it might make me feel to think about having to place Gregory if and when it comes to that.

As far as sad, I am sad but that is part of the "life of good and bad" we spoke of. Some days seem slow and dull and others are more fun. But sadness seems to ride on my shoulders as part of who we are today. If I can get through a day evenly without not to many "confusions" with Gregory, I am content.

As far as Gregory's sad, I think he is just getting more and more tired, a little more withdrawn, and more settled into being "less." But he is happy, appreciative, enjoys his food and TV etc.

All for now.

Love you both lots.

m