Sacred Space

One of Gregory and my most long time friends Jan Yourist wrote this articulate, eloquent post about Gregory's passing. It is a must read about the sacred space Gregory created in his dying and the lessons and love he gave us in his last days and hours.

Gregory, a very dear old friend, died today, just a few minutes after noon. Diagnosed 12 years ago with early onset Alzheimers, this centered, gifted, and creative man has slowly lost the smooth and easy functioning of his graceful body, mind, and language, all the while sustaining his calm and gentle and awesome spirit.

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Lessons on the Tens

This is reprinted from a post in May 2013 (with additions) from my writer's blog: 

http://mhorvich.blogspot.com

I have brought it over to my Alzheimer's blog because Alzheimer's and Gregory my best friend, best love is still the biggest part of my life!

He will not be able to celebrate my 70th like he has the past decades but celebrate we will: hugs, kisses, singing, blowing out candles, eating cake. What more can I ask for? He is happy, content, and being well taken care of by me and many others!

😃 😃 😃

There does seem to be an unspoken age restriction. As I have gotten older, I have had to work harder to stay in the flow, so to speak, and to believe that I can accomplish whatever I put my mind to. Change becomes more difficult because one has more to loose (potentially) and with greater risk. One feels less resilient, less flexible, more attached to routine and habit. I watched this in my parents, thought them the fool, but have gradually seen the same in me.

But I have also calmed down, discovered and like who I am, have belief systems, have faith in my abilities to deal with the ups and downs of being alive.

I have shared this previously, but recently the topic came up again. I have added the 10's, 20',s and 30's in retrospect. My lessons in life, which came on the 10's are:

10: I hate school. I hate my classmates. I hate my parents. I hate my life. Men turn me on but I do not understand this (and there are no role models to help.)

20: When will puberty hit? I am still waiting. Who am I anyway? I do not know what I think, I do not know what I believe, I do not know who I am. I love college but hate studying and tests. I am still attracted to Men, there are very few role models, but I know how to hook up!

30: Finally graduated college, love teaching, love my life as an adult. Growing up late or mid-life crisis early. Quit teaching. Run away to Mexico. Work at discovering who I am. I am comfortable with my sexuality.

40: Life is linear. Some choices have to be left behind and there is no going back to those intersections. Your entire life is still ahead of you. Use it well!

50:  Life has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Most of your life is still ahead of you. Use it well!

60: In life, there is here and there is the here-after. So live for the here and try not to worry too much about the here-after. A lot of life is still ahead of you. Use it well!

70: Come back in 1.5 years to find out what I discover.

😃 😃 😃

And now as I approach my 70th birthday on March 27, 2015 here is my Life Lesson on the Tens for turing Seventy! I could be humorous and say the lesson is looking in the mirror and saying, "How in the FUCK did this happen?" but last night I did get an insight into my lesson for the 70'S.

HERE IT IS

70: If there are things you want to accomplish in life, it is now or never. No more "When I get to it." or "When other things are in place." or "Maybe someday." It is NOW or NEVER!

A Bad Day

This spoke to me today. I would add that when having a bad day, it is OK to recognize and sit with your emotions. It is OK to feel down, or low, or bad but only for part of the time. Sit and feel bad for maybe 15 minutes. Then get up and do something that makes you feel good. It is hard to have a bad day when you are feeling good. The bad continues usually because you continue to beat yourself up, or you continue to avoid the truth of what is upsetting you and what you can do to change that. It is easy to say this but a lot more difficult to practice it. Try. Maybe a minute of happiness this time and two next time. It will grow if you let it! I have highlighted some thoughts further down:

January 4, 2015 Bad Days Hard Learned Lessonsby Madisyn Taylor We all have bad days and within these days is usually a gem of a gift waiting to be opened. We all have days from time to time when it feels like the world is against us or that the chaos we are experiencing will never end. One negative circumstance seems to lead to another. You may wonder, on a bad day, whether anything in your life will ever go right again. But a bad day, like any other day, can be a gift. Having a bad day can show you that it is time to slow down, change course, or lighten up. A bad day can help you glean wisdom you might otherwise have overlooked or discounted. Bad days can certainly cause you to experience uncomfortable feelings you would prefer to avoid, yet a bad day may also give you a potent means to learn about yourself. You may consider a bad day to be one where you’ve missing an important meeting because your car stalled, the dryer broke, and you received a piece of very bad news earlier in the morning. Multiple misfortunes that take place one after the other can leave us feeling vulnerable and intensely cognizant of our fragility. But bad days can only have a long-term negative effect on us if we let them. It is better to ask yourself what you can learn from these kinds of days. The state of your bad day may be an indicator that you need to stay in and hibernate or let go of your growing negativity.  Bad days contribute to the people we become. Though we may feel discouraged and distressed on our bad days, a bad day can teach us patience and perseverance. It is important to remember that your attitude drives your destiny and that one negative experience does not have to be the beginning of an ongoing stroke of bad luck. A bad day is memorable because it is one day among many good days – otherwise, we wouldn’t even bother to acknowledge it as a bad day. Know too, that everybody has bad days, you are not alone, the world is not against you. Tomorrow is guaranteed to be a brighter day.

Gregory Maire: Studies in Color and Form: Part 2 The Failure

Many of our wonderful family of friends were able to attend the 6:00 Opening Reception for Gregory's Art Show. The invitation was low key and I understood that the timing was not easy for a lot of people.

That said, thank you for being there or R.S.V.P.ing your not being able to join us: Pat, Isaac, Cheryl, Emily, Kathleen, Vic, Linda, George, Corinne, Nancy, Susan, Jan, Jake, Roger, Marc, Alan, Nancy, Dan, David, Danny. Hope I didn't forget anyone.

The day event at 2:00 was quite successful as you read in the previous post. Gregory was quite exhausted by 3:00 or 3:30 and went up to his room with Manny to take a nap and then have dinner from 4:30 until 5:30.

In anticipation for the 6:00 reception, Manny made sure that Gregory got changed and after he was changed he peed and pooped again and had to be changed again. This is not an easy task for Gregory or those involved.

It takes putting a sling around and under him, lifting him out of his wheel chair in this dinosaur type machine, swinging him over to the bed, lowering him onto the bed, removing the sling, rolling him from side to side to take away the soiled clothing, cleaning him up, and putting on new clothing. 

Gregory is unable to assist so when the aides move him around, no matter how gently, Gregory is uncomfortable, possible in a little pain, and while I am not sure if he is embarrassed anymore at not being able to toilet himself, perhaps this figures into the experience. 

Not sure at what point he "messed again" but having to go through even part of the ordeal again was not easy on Gregory or the aides.

By the time Gregory got down to the lobby all of his guests had arrived, hung up their coats, and were looking at the artwork. Gregory being exhausted, and possibly overwhelmed, was "not present." He sat nobly in his wheel chair but his eyes were closed. 

I tried "waking him up" if he was sleeping but I think that he just didn't want to open his eyes. I call this "My Seven Year Old Stubborn Little Boy Syndrome." 

Most likely he was so overwhelmed from the events of the first reception, then eating dinner and having to go through two "changes," that this was his way of just not wanting any more stimulation.

A number of people came up to say hello, to pet him, to try to get a reaction ... but none took place. I tried to get him to open his eyes several time ... but no go.

Next, as I was hugging him, I lost it. I stifled a loud sob, but not stifled soon enough for the group of friends not to hear. I cried into Gregory's neck/shoulder until I could gain my composure, took deep breath, and came up for air. I understand my eyes were not the only wet ones in the crowd.

At this point Gregory did open his eyes. I leaned in towards him and in my usual slow and carefully pronounced way I said, "I love you very much." He looked at me and replied, "I know."

Next I continued, "And you make me very very happy" to which he replied, "I know."

Then he looked me directly in my eyes and said loudly and clearly, "Thank You!" He closed his eyes and disappeared for the rest of the reception.

Enough said? I learned many lessons and had several insights. So calling the reception a "failure" is not really true.

First, I had hoped so much that he would be present for those people we value most in the world, our friends. Next I realized that I was disappointed in his behavior (erroneous) and embarrassed (erroneous) in front of our friends.

I also realized that this reception was another one of my attempts at making it seem, for Gregory and me, like our life is "normal" when in reality it is NOT! My expectations for Gregory had inadvertently caused him to become uncomfortable, not feel safe, and to withdraw.

I am not sorry about the experience because it is always a risk when trying to provide Gregory with "joy" and "meaning," I would not want to settle for less if I did not have to, and I was able to learn from it.

I need to be more aware of how much he will be able to take and when enough stimulation is enough. I need to keep in mind his comfort zone, not mine. 

While I felt disappointment and embarrassment, those were emotions triggered by old learning and no longer really a part of me, Gregory and my situation, and definitely not true triggers or true emotions.

I know that our family of friends were there to support both Gregory and me and I appreciate that. I know that Gregory was aware of the love and support that was in the room for him.

In the end, the most important part was Gregory letting me know he knows I love him, knows he makes me happy, and thanked me for letting him know that. That is all that really matters (and the new lessons hopefully not to be repeated next time.)

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 4 & 5

Just to keep track, I skipped Practice 4 because I was ill.

Practice 5 presented an interesting shift for me in several ways.

1) Previously, a day or two before our meeting, I would think about possible Intentions and Heartfelt Desires. This time, I decided to wait and see what "arrived" as I was settling in and getting into the meditation.

2) Another thing that I am more aware of is a "spiraling" of lessons with each new appearance bringing a deeper, more coherent understanding of the idea, emotion, experience, etc that presents itself.

3) During the period of my deepest calm, I became aware of what I would describe as Black (visually) but more An Absence (emotionally & intellectually.) Things would come and go without disrupting my meditation.

At one point a man showed up, I acknowledged him and continued my meditation without needing to know who he was, or what he wanted, or what he represented.

Another time a beautiful, sweet, pink fondant ribbon swirled in my Black, maybe because it was also my birthday and I was thinking of cake but it didn't matter I continued my meditation.

4) At times one needs to pause and enter the moment as it presents itself for lessons to be learned, but other options include setting it aside to deal with at a later time, or deciding that it is not important to deal with the distraction at all and recognizing it for what it is: a distraction.

During Practice 5 Corinne decided to spend a lot of time focusing on the body, energy, and health. While I did "scan" my body and reaffirm my excellent health, I did not end up staying with Corinne's guidance but rather revisited the concept of Essential Self which Corinne had mentioned in her opening comments.

She talked about the difficulty some people have in looking closely at their Essential Self, that self which is closer to being in touch with the universe and away from one's experiences, societal agreements, religious figure and parent pronouncements. In other words free from any biases, real or imagined, true or not, that tend to color who we are, what we think, and how we approach our day to day lives. Our PURE ESSENCE.

In the past I have had trouble focusing on my Essential Self, knowing it exists deep within me but somehow not being able or comfortable enough to dig down for a close look. In relation to the Essential Self, this time I revisited a Triumvirate of Self that I have been aware of, fine tuned it, and added the Essential Self as a fourth level.

I started out with my Public Self which I allow everyone to see, my Private Self which I only allow close loved ones to see, and my Secret Self which only I know about and which I would never share with anyone.

This understanding allowed me to arrive at the fourth self or Essential Self, as defined above. It was easier to look at my Essential Self without fear or difficulty when seeing it on this Continuum of Self from most external and visible to most internal and sacred.

Each time I experience a Mindful Meditation Practice, Yoga Nidra, I seem to arrive at a new place of comfort with myself, my relationship with Gregory, and with my world. Time well spent.

My Mantra & My Advice to Others

This is my mantra and my advice to others who are dealing with being a caregiver for whatever reason; be it an elderly parent, an ill life partner, the day to day relationship and needs of a spouse, a mother for her child as he grows up.

"Be good to yourself, take time for yourself, believe in yourself, all you really have is yourself!" (Michael A. Horvich 2011)

People would always say, "You need to take care of yourself." Had figure out what that meant in the middle of the continuous crisis that is Alzheimer's. Easy for them to say but you're the one in the middle of the cyclone. But one day you learn. As you will have to do for yourself.

You need to be selfish. Selfish doesn't mean selfish. It means SELFish. If you don't take care of yourself first, you will not have the energy, time, and/or spirit to take care of others. If you are in poor health you will not be able to help others. If you are frustrated and angry, you will not be able to be organized and calm.

I have learned. One day you will too!