God Bless The Bookmark

Today's DailyOm Horoscope:

There are certain events that have such an impact on our lives that we may begin to build our identities around them. Though it may give us a sense of purpose or the feeling that we are somehow special, it also keeps us tied to that event energetically. This means that the energy available to us for facing life today is diminished and also filtered through the experience of our past. But when we can look at these experiences, learn from them, and release them, we can take the energy that was invested in their care and keeping and channel it into the present moment. If we look at life right now without thinking of it in terms of the past or the future, we can find much to be thankful for. By gaining insight into your interior life today, you have more energy to enjoy the present.

Yes, I have built my new identity around Gregory for the last 20 months as his secondary caregiver, health care advocate, grocery and treat supplier, and his almost daily visitor. I am happy to spend OUR money on blessing him with Manny to care for his needs and for having piece of mind knowing Gregory is in good hands without my having to be by his side 24/7/365.

I still think of the condo as ours, and the car as ours, and my money and investments as ours. I still bake a fruit pie now and then, or bring Gregory fresh fruit when in season, or get excited when I find a new form of dark chocolate for him. I still shop for his clothes and drug store needs. I continue to decorate and fine tune his room and make sure there are always fresh flowers on his desk.

I continue to be involved in the Lieberman Center as observer, supporter, and contributor to the milieu that provides for so many like Gregory. On a daily basis my interactions with the residents and staff bring me joy. On a larger basis, I continue to think creatively about how Lieberman can provide better services to everyone who walks through the revolving door at 9700 Gross Pointe Road.

Also, there is time for my writing, my collecting, my family and friends, living in beautiful downtown Evanston, a little travel, enjoying the condo, enjoying my girls (cats Emma and Gigi,) shopping, and working on my creative projects to which there is no end.

So my life right now is Ying and Yang, Black and White, Push and Pull, Opposites and Sames. I am tied to the past and in some ways feel my current life is diminished, on hold, at a standstill. I wonder "Who am I?" and "What do I want?" I am seventy years old and how will I spend the rest of my life? 

On the other hand what price love? Gregory is still such an important part of my life even in his diminished state. I am committed to being here for him and to helping his life be as good as it possibly can be given the situation.

On the third hand, somehow I am still able to be myself and pursue my own interests, directions, ideas, projects.

So if I look at life right now without thinking of it in terms of the past or the future, I can find much to be thankful for. By gaining insight into my interior life today, I have more energy to enjoy the present. So my energies are not wasted, they are just going to be different for a while. Once Gregory has "gone home" I can begin the next chapter but meanwhile, God Bless the Book Mark!

An E-Mail Reply

From niece MB (daughter of Al, Greg's oldest brother:) 
I have been concerned about you since Gregory has moved into his new home. I know they are taking care of him. That will give you time to make adjustments to your life.

Thanks for the kind words. I am doing well. We have been struggling with this for over ten years and the major difference, now that Gregory is in the advanced stages of the disease, is that the concerns, needs, and ability to define new normalcies have been narrowed. 

For the most part the routines and normalcies for Gregory are now predictable whereas during the early parts of his disease, it was a baseball game without rules!

As for my living alone, our relationship was always one of parallel growth. We both had the same interests and friends but maintained our individual interests and friends, and of course the two overlapped at points. So while I have to redefine my new life living alone, I do not have to redefine my life or identity entirely. 

I have had to learn to live in the present moment, as Gregory does, and to see life through his eyes. When I am able to do that, I am happy and content. When I begin to see his life through my eyes, I have more difficulties avoiding crying and grief.

Not sure if there will be a price in the future, but for now I have been separating myself into two parts. When I am by myself and at home I try not to think of Gregory and our past 39 years and when I am with him I try not to think about home and my life and our past 39 years. 

Some Buddhist monks spend a lifetime learning how to live in the here and now, without living in the past or the future. Both Gregory and I have been able to do that. He because of the Alzheimer's me because of my great love for him.

At home I'll keep busy with friends, keeping the condo up, writing, etc but when I am with Gregory, sometimes we just sit and hold hands and that is paradise and enough.

In the beginning it was difficult learning how to let go and become the Secondary Care Giver with The Lieberman Center (and their trained, knowledgable staff) being the Primary Care Giver. 

I am still Gregory's advocate but have begun to know how to choose my "battles." The staff at Lieberman actually listen to and hear what I say, try to accommodate my suggestions and Gregory's needs, but also help educate me when I am out of order or unrealistic in my goals for him.

Gregory's CONDITION is much worse and continues to worsen but his SITUATION is so much better ... so my heart is light.

A Letter to a Friend

Hi Susan. I am doing well. Still numb and very sad but at this point Gregory is being well taken care of. He is no longer the man you knew just a short while ago. I am grateful for his current home, one of the best Memory Care Facilities in Chicago, and am grateful to begin learning a new role as Secondary Care Giver. I do not have to go it alone but have a team of nurses, social workers, dietitians, doctors, therapists, etc to help Gregory as his needs continue to change.

Eventually I'll get on with my life. I never martyred myself to Gregory's disease and continued to have an identity of my own but did devote a lot of time, and energy, and love on an increasing basis as Gregory's needs increased. My identity, however, did include having a life partner with which to share my days. With him in his new home and me in the old one, I have to figure out who I am as a single person and what the angle of my days will look like.

Now, while I see him a couple of hours every day, I have lots of time on my hands and not yet the motivation to do anything with that time. I think the first thing I'll involve myself in is tailoring the condo to my needs and removing those things that met Gregory's needs. I will continue my writing and begin again to pursue a publisher for my memoirs which were organized at Ragdale during my residency in 2010. I hope to begin traveling again.

What I do not seem to have, and being good to myself since it has only been two weeks since this major upheaval, is any idea of what the future will hold. No goals. No ambitions. No hopes and desires. Except that Gregory be well taken care of and that I continue to be healthy and alive.

In some way, it is as though this moment has always been arriving and always leaving at the same instant yet doesn't exist in reality. Gregory is very visibly living in the moment, no past and no future and not really much of a present as we know it, and perhaps for now, I am living in the moment as well.

Love you, miss you, keep your guest room ready as one day I will arrive at your doorstep (with notice :-)

Fondly,
Michael

The Sun

Gregory has begun painting with oils with Nancy Rosen as his teacher. More on this later but wanted to share an e-mail reply I helped him with to some questions asked by another painter friend Susan Wiseman. 

Susan, 

I appreciate your comments. When I paint, I sit quietly for a few minutes then start to try any shapes or movements that come to mind. I don't really have a "plan." Nancy, my teacher, sometimes puts out a tray of colors for me to consider. 

I just "play" with the shapes and colors as they arrive in my mind and on the canvas. Sometimes I make large gestures and other times I concentrate on small areas with small movements. The nice thing about using Oil Sticks, is that you just pick one up, refresh the tip, and draw. It is as if the stick is an extension of your hand. 

You can put thin or thick or in between lines on the canvas and then you use a rag or paper towel dipped in Turpenoid to blend, thin, spread ... or even erase what you have done. Oil Sticks are the same as oil paint only in stick form not in a tube and not applied necessarily with a brush (although you can use one if you want.) 

The "Sun" was my first on a larger paper (25x25.) Basically I "just did it." As it grew, one element led to the next. Just spontaneous progress based on what went before. One guide line is "NO WHITE SPACE TO BE LEFT BEHIND." I had this big empty space in the bottom right and after looking at it for a while, decided that based on the rest of what I had done, I wanted a big splash of "something" and decided on yellow. Then I "played" with adding the orange in a scribbled fashion. Funny having to think this through after having done it. Hope this helps. 

Gregory (with Michael's help)

"The Sun" Oil on gessoed Stonehenge paper. 25"x25" July 2010

YOU MIGHT WANT TO VISIT THESE SITES:
Nancy Rosen's Studio
Susan Wiseman's Paintings

A Birthday Card

John and Stuart sent Gregory a birthday card that really captures his persona. He commented on how "important" it was and decided to save the card. It is a quote by Oscar Wilde:


Life has been your art.
You have set yourself to music.
Your days are your sonnets.