Appendectomy With An Awareness

This took place last Tuesday, September 8.

The severe pain started at 10:00 Tuesday night. I took myself to ER at 3:00 Wednesday morning. Had surgery by 9:00.

God Son Isaac sat with me during recovery. Jan, his mom/my friend, dropped by to spell him. Slept fairly well. Came home Thursday by 10:00 driven home by Manny. 

Doing fairly well and taking it easy at home. Amazing what they can do now-a-days. EVERY doctor, nurse, aide, staff member at Evanston Hospital was cheery, friendly, helpful, caring.

The food was horrible: sewer water chicken soup, oily red jello, bitter tasteless coffee. 

The great timing of all this is that I was due to fly to Portland to visit friend Pat on Wednesday. Can you imagine how this would have come down if I was on the airplane or even in a new city without my own home for comfort? I am grateful to the Universe. 

Given the situation, and my staying low key, I haven't visited with Gregory since last Tuesday, some 5 days ago. In debating whether or not to visit today (still feeling a little stomachy and nauseous) I realized that I constantly think about him non-stop. Even thought we are not living together, his presence is with me emotionally, physically, and intellectually.

I know that he is in good hands with Lieberman and Manny and Halina. The reality is that after five days he may not remember me or think about me as I do him. I'm not saying that he does't know who I am anymore, but without the trigger of seeing me, I am probably not part of his awareness. 

This led me to the realization that I NEED him MORE than he NEEDS me! Interesting. As long as he is happy, content, safe, well fed, kept clean, and somewhat entertained ... his life is full and he is OK. 

I am the one who suffers when we do not see each other. Not really sure what all this means so will have to think more about it. But an interesting awareness don't you agree?

Needs

12:00. In bed. White noise on. Cats settled in. Drifting off to sleep.

I engage my angels, spirit guides, ancestors, heavenly teachers, animal spirit guides, celestial masters, "Keep an eye on Gregory. Keep an eye on me so I can be there for him and help meet his needs."

Then an awareness. This is what I try so hard to do. Since Gregory can no longer express let alone meet his own needs, it is my responsibility through my love for him, to make as sure as I can that his needs are met and that he has no reason to need.

When all your needs are met, you can be at peace, not having to worry about them, or formulate what they are, or figure out what they might be, or seek to meet them. After living with and loving this man for over forty years, I am usually on target when thinking about what his needs are or might be. 

The nursing staff and CNAs at Lieberman are usually on top of the game of meeting Gregory's health needs. Often I will go to the nurse with a question and she will already have been on it. They are quick to run tests to rule out things like infection, out of balance dilantin, etc and quickly get the results and report back to me. When I inquire about something I think needs attention, they are always on the ready to support me in helping to make sure Gregory's needs are met.

The people with his hospice, Northwest, are so present to help, identify, inquire, inform, and help instigate necessary change. Keeping Gregory healthy is so important, especially because often the only way to tell that Gregory's health is out of balance is by our observations. Then the treasure hunt begins but so far the hunt is always easily won and Gregory feels better.

Manny, Gregory's private care helper (to whom I attribute "Sainthood" or "Hightly Placed Angelhood") is also always attentive to making sure Gregory is comfortable, content, not hungry, well hydrated, happy, and most of all safe!

Of course it seems like many of Gregory's needs are no longer important to him like going to work every morning, reading the newspaper, taking care of anyone other than himself, planning his day, making decisions, worrying about the future.

He doesn't have to worry about earning a living, cooking a meal, taking a bath, getting himself dressed, shaving, or doing the laundry. He doesn't have to make his bed, clean his room, dust, grocery shop, or take out the garbage. He doesn't have to remember important dates or be anywhere on a certain day, on time.

So we make sure he is not hungry, is comfortable in his wheel chair, is clean and dry. We make sure his skin is soft, that he does not itch, that he is not in pain, that he is not uncomfortable. We make sure his is cleanly shaved, nicely dressed, and feeling fresh. We make sure he is not too cold or too warm but rather, as Goldilocks, "Just right!" We keep his room orderly, with familiar objects, with fresh flowers, and scented with lavender. 

Throughout the day we offer treats of chocolate, pretzels, bread sticks, rice pudding, cold juice, milk, apple sauce, etc. Now and then we bring in food that the facility does not offer like fresh cherries (pitted of course,) an home made peach pie, fresh figs, a chocolate bundt cake from the bakery. I plan to but have yet, "ordered out" so he can have some of his old favorites like Pizza, Chinese, Greek, etc. I did bring in Sushi the other day and he seemed in heaven!

I think that between Lieberman, Midwest Hospice, Manny, and myself; we keep Gregory's needs met and I think that he would agree if he could!

Going, Going, Gone

Maybe I should just keep record on a separate piece of paper instead of posting it to my BLOG but this way I can: 1) process, 2) share, 3) record, 4) maintain, 5) save, 6) cry.

SO FAR THIS MORNING: Gregory could not take simple directions on how to get his shaver to stop squeaking (at least he did figure out how to plug it in) so he had to wait until I finished my use of the bathroom (read taking a dump) to help him. We are not shy so use the bathroom together. It actually gives me the opportunity to monitor him without seeming like spying. But even my private moments have become his.

Next I had to remind him to put on deodorant and face cream. He could not find them so I opened the medicine chest and pointed. He was able to put the correct product on the correct area of his anatomy so I guess I should be grateful.

Then he put on his underwear (I missed noting if they were right side or backwards but guess that doesn't really matter) and sweats without my help. Fist time this week! So I guess I should be grateful. Doesn't necessarily mean anything for tomorrow.

As he was leaving the bedroom I mentioned, "Your paper is on your desk." 

He headed towards the front door. I called him back and said, "Your (corrected the word) NEWSpaper is on your DESK." 

He headed toward the front door again. "On your desk." "WHERE YOUR NEWSPAPER IS EVERY MORNING! Do you know where your DESK is?" 

"Yes, out there."

"Yes, out there," I reinforced.

Then the numbness, and tears, and confusion, and not knowing how to "fix" this type of interaction, and the fear of the future, and depression (and only a tiny bit of anger) follow. 

Then the processing for the BLOG begins. Luckily I had made my first cup of coffee before all this began.

Simultaneously through all this Emma, my kitty (GiGi is Gregory's kitty,) brings me her Krinkle Ball so we can play fetch. A little bit of unqualified love from my kitty and processing from my BLOG make me feel a little better. 

Perhaps making some signs for important places that Gregory does not seem to be able to make associations between the word and the place would help? Don't feel really optimistic about this but I will try. 

Perhaps I need to make sure that I do not begin to meet my own needs (like taking a dump) until Gregory is finished with all of his and settled. Problem being that often when I think he is settled, a new aspect of getting settled doesn't work for him. But I will try.

At least I was not mean to him. I think I appeared patient on the outside but even feel guilty about what was going on inside, isn't that silly? I will try.

Last night we watched "Call for the Midwives" on PBS, a British program about post WWII and a group of midwives and nuns in England. Excellent second season. 

A baby is born with Spina Biffida. Medical know how will make the baby's life as comfortable as possible but one of the nuns talked about the early days when the best thing to do for the baby was to help it die comfortably. Even in the church, that was acceptable. 

After trying to help the parents but failing to help them deal the diagnosis, the head nun tells the grieving midwife, "Sometimes one has to admit defeat and move on. There is a lot more of life that needs to be lived."

I identify.

Today, this came across my mail: 

Shambhala Publications

SUPPORTING CONDUCT

With regard to one’s behavior, one must relinquish all the limitations implied in subject-object duality (gzung ’dzin gyi la dor ba). One should abandon all ordinary ways of assessing outer and inner phenomena, and the engagement or withdrawal of the mind with regard to “good” and “bad.” One must not, through mindless clinging to sense objects, stray into the five ordinary mental poisons. For when approached with skillful means, all are but the display of the great and perfect equality.

—Jigme Lingpa, from Treasury of Precious Qualities: Book TWO!

So does that mean that what I am experiencing is neither good nor bad? It only is? Is what I am going through bringing me closer to achieving great and perfect equality? And if all of this is true, how am I going to get through this journey to the end? Time will tell, but I will try.

Meanwhile, this is a list I have been keeping for a while.

GOING GOING GONE

Taking pills - comes and goes.
Putting a belt on - usually gone.
Using mouth wash - gone.
Word bathroom - gone.
Understanding most words - almost gone.
Using most words - almost gone.
Brushing teeth - comes and goes
Reading at bedtime - almost gone.
Going for a walk by himself - gone.
Picking out his own clothes - gone.
Getting ready for bed - comes and goes.
Shaving in the morning - comes and goes.
Getting dressed - comes and goes.
Toileting - comes and goes.
Communicating with words - gone.
Using a fork and knife - comes and goes.
Navigating the food on a dinner plate - comes and goes.
Fastening his seatbelt in the car - comes and goes.
Using a urinal when out - comes and goes.
Controlling flatulence - comes and goes.
Comprehension of TV - uncertain.
Helping make the bed - comes and goes.

Opera or Circus

There is a life
On the verge of which I seem to sit,

Which I yearn just to feel, to touch,
And not just to ache.


Where there is pain
Just under my emotional haze
That carries my sorrow
On the rounded tip of a perching tear,

There are so many events
Just about to happen or not
Which need written their stories or poems
Desperately couched in words not yet written.

There in my oftentimes desperate need
To fashion a clay understanding
A three dimensional model of my world
So I can see it, touch it,

There is the frustration and drive
To keep up with my speeding self
As a major opera house production but
also as a one ring tented circus.