Missed last week's session 3. This week we worked on "Practice Intention" which was setting an intention for what might come out of today's session and "Life Long Desire," a more over time, life-long intention that we would like to consider.
For my "Intention," I set "Self-Forgiveness." Self-forgiveness for those times I didn't really understand what Gregory was going through as the effects of his Alzheimer's/ Dementia progressed. Self-Forgiveness for those times I could have done a better job if I was more aware of exactly it was that he was experiencing. Even though I did the best I could at the time, and even though I did a pretty terrific job, there is some grieving at not having been a better support to him, of getting angry with him, and at times of being downright mean to him!
While I have been beating myself up a little less as time has passed since Gregory died, I still wish I could have been better and obviously there is no way to go back in time to redo my behavior. I know that Gregory always forgave me and I was always able to quickly apologize; still the feelings and emotions linger of not ever again being able to make it right! That is one of the irrational side effects of death: the NEVER AGAIN syndrome!
For my "Life Long Desire," I set the idea of wondering what the rest of my life would be like and how I could spend it doing good for others.
Following the setting of the "Intention" and the "Desire" we let them drift into the background, as we continued our Yoga Nidra practice, knowing that we had acknowledged them but did not need to do anything about them or work on them. Just having noted them was enough for now.
Next, we visited our "Internal Resource" place, that place we can go to anytime we need to seek peace and comfort and safety. This time Gregory was not in bed but was waiting to greet me by the door. We hugged with great love and joy in a way that we had not hugged for a long long time due to his being in a wheelchair for over a year during his time at Lieberman. I wanted it to be real so it was, for a few moments real.
Again, like last session, while being in my Internal Resource place was beautiful, if was emotionally overwhelming. The realization was that hugging Gregory could only exist here, in my Internal Resource now and only in my imagination made me very sad (although I fancied that I was really hugging him and if I deemed it so, it was so!) Once again death waved the NEVER AGAIN flag. Hugging Gregory could exist in my memory but never again in real life. Somehow I will have to come to grips with this being enough for me.
I realized that while often I am happy and enjoying my new life without Gregory, the shadow of sadness still strongly fades every bright color that shines through the clouds. I cried silently so as not to disturb the other students or instructor in the class.
Slowly I drifted back to the rest of the practice with its breathing, its being aware of my body in relation to the floor and the air and the room. Slowly I returned to the calmness and peacefulness of the practice and for the time being left my sorrow behind. When it was time to slowly come back to reality, back to my body, back to the room with the other students, the tears flowed again but I gathered myself together, put my pillows and blankets and chair back in the store room, wished Corrine a "Thank You" and came home to write this post.
While I believe that I gained much from the session, I am aware that I am feeling somewhat numb and spent. I hope I will sleep well tonight.
Showing posts with label Breath. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Breath. Show all posts
Monday, December 7, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Last Breath
Last Breath
By: Kate Swaffer
Remember when the time comes
To breath in very deep
Take my very last breath
And make it your own
This poem was written by my blogger friend from Australia in her book of poetry Love, Life, Loss: A Roller-Coaster of Poetry. Of all her wonderful poetry, this poem moved me the most when I read it several months before Gregory died.
The day before he died, after three days of his being in a non-responsive state, I kissed him three times on his open mouth and on the third kiss, he kissed me back.
A short while after he died the next day at 12:04 on Sunday, October 4, 2015, I sat with his beautiful body and told him everything I needed to say. I held his still warm hand. Before leaving, I kissed his open, cold mouth and I breathed as deeply as I could.
He smelled of the sweet Gregory I have loved for forty years and will love for the rest of my life. He has been, is, and will always be part of me in so many ways.
His ashes sit in his Grandma Carrie's sewing box which lives on my bedroom bookcase and his breath lives within me.
By: Kate Swaffer
Remember when the time comes
To breath in very deep
Take my very last breath
And make it your own
This poem was written by my blogger friend from Australia in her book of poetry Love, Life, Loss: A Roller-Coaster of Poetry. Of all her wonderful poetry, this poem moved me the most when I read it several months before Gregory died.
The day before he died, after three days of his being in a non-responsive state, I kissed him three times on his open mouth and on the third kiss, he kissed me back.
A short while after he died the next day at 12:04 on Sunday, October 4, 2015, I sat with his beautiful body and told him everything I needed to say. I held his still warm hand. Before leaving, I kissed his open, cold mouth and I breathed as deeply as I could.
He smelled of the sweet Gregory I have loved for forty years and will love for the rest of my life. He has been, is, and will always be part of me in so many ways.
His ashes sit in his Grandma Carrie's sewing box which lives on my bedroom bookcase and his breath lives within me.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Panchamaya Kosha Session Four
I am including this "michael a horvich writes" post on the "michael a horvich cares about alzheimer's" BLOG. While I have decided to separate my personal writing from my Alzheimer's writing, this post really related to both as it discusses what I have termed "Acceptable Grief." Read on:
Interesting Yoga session today if only because earlier in the day my psychologist and I did a hypnosis session which was very much like a Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation Session.
Then this evening, in quick summary, we breathed, stretched, focused, and meditated. A lot of attention to self and growth today!
In quick review, as the sessions have taken place we have moved from:
1) The Physical Body (using yoga movements) to
2) The Energy Body (using breath work) to
3) The Mental-Emotional Body (using the tool of sound/chant) and this evening
4) The Wisdom Body (using the tool of meditation.)
This level of the Panchamaya Kosha deals with personality, character, and our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. We alternated breath work with stretching work with meditation and cycled through these several times before doing the final Yoga Nidra rest.
During the Yoga Nidra meditation, when dealing with beliefs, my "voices" gave me the concept of "Acceptable Grief."
When in deep meditation, most times my mind quiets enough for me to be able to get in touch with deeper thoughts and ideas.
They present themselves in "understandings" or "images" rather than words or text. I refer to these as "my voices."
Then in these BLOG posts, I have to try to interpret what I "felt" into what I "thought."
Acceptable Grief.
grief |grēf| noundeep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death: she was overcome with grief. To this definition, I would add a great sense of loss.
Obviously my concept of Acceptable Grief applies to the path that Gregory has been traveling with Alzheimer's Disease and on which I have chosen to accompany him. We both have been through so much over the last ten years and such quick change over the last four and a half months.
I find that while I still grieve for the loss of my lover, best friend, soul mate, and life companion, I am at peace with our current situation. He is being well taken care of at Lieberman, I am continuing to revitalize my life, and we both are doing well.
When I am with Gregory I am able to be in the "Here and Now" as he is. Mine by choice, his by circumstances. I try not to think about our past or our future when I am with him.
When I am home I try to be in the "Here and Now" as well and I try not to think about our past or Gregory in is situation.
For the most part, Gregory is comfortable, content, and happy. For the most part, I am filled with joy, happiness, and contentment.
But the Grief is always with me and now and then surfaces. When it does I pay it attention, cry if I need to, and in some ways embrace it. The concept of Grief not only includes the sorrow but also the joy in Gregory's and my situation. We are both in a good place. I would not have chosen it this way, but none-the-less, we are both in a good place. And that is acceptable. Thus, Acceptable Grief.
Interesting Yoga session today if only because earlier in the day my psychologist and I did a hypnosis session which was very much like a Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation Session.
Then this evening, in quick summary, we breathed, stretched, focused, and meditated. A lot of attention to self and growth today!
In quick review, as the sessions have taken place we have moved from:
1) The Physical Body (using yoga movements) to
2) The Energy Body (using breath work) to
3) The Mental-Emotional Body (using the tool of sound/chant) and this evening
4) The Wisdom Body (using the tool of meditation.)
This level of the Panchamaya Kosha deals with personality, character, and our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. We alternated breath work with stretching work with meditation and cycled through these several times before doing the final Yoga Nidra rest.
During the Yoga Nidra meditation, when dealing with beliefs, my "voices" gave me the concept of "Acceptable Grief."
When in deep meditation, most times my mind quiets enough for me to be able to get in touch with deeper thoughts and ideas.
They present themselves in "understandings" or "images" rather than words or text. I refer to these as "my voices."
Then in these BLOG posts, I have to try to interpret what I "felt" into what I "thought."
Acceptable Grief.
grief |grēf| noundeep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death: she was overcome with grief. To this definition, I would add a great sense of loss.
Obviously my concept of Acceptable Grief applies to the path that Gregory has been traveling with Alzheimer's Disease and on which I have chosen to accompany him. We both have been through so much over the last ten years and such quick change over the last four and a half months.
I find that while I still grieve for the loss of my lover, best friend, soul mate, and life companion, I am at peace with our current situation. He is being well taken care of at Lieberman, I am continuing to revitalize my life, and we both are doing well.
When I am with Gregory I am able to be in the "Here and Now" as he is. Mine by choice, his by circumstances. I try not to think about our past or our future when I am with him.
When I am home I try to be in the "Here and Now" as well and I try not to think about our past or Gregory in is situation.
For the most part, Gregory is comfortable, content, and happy. For the most part, I am filled with joy, happiness, and contentment.
But the Grief is always with me and now and then surfaces. When it does I pay it attention, cry if I need to, and in some ways embrace it. The concept of Grief not only includes the sorrow but also the joy in Gregory's and my situation. We are both in a good place. I would not have chosen it this way, but none-the-less, we are both in a good place. And that is acceptable. Thus, Acceptable Grief.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Yoga Nidra
You have read previously about my experiences with mindful meditation and Yoga Nidra with Corinne Peterson. Today Gregory and I had another joint session with the focus on Gregory. I was just along for the ride. If the experience could provide Gregory a time and space away from his Alzheimer's, without having to think about it or cope or fight to bring a word or idea up to the surface for air, then the experience was worth while in my opinion. And both Corinne and I feel we were successful.
She led the meditation with great skill, understanding, and compassion. We started with some aroma therapy using a scent called "Joy." She gave Gregory ample time to process the simply stated suggestions like breathing in time to the going up and coming down of a ferris wheel (one of Gregory's favorite rides,) or taking a walk through a forest with the sun shining through the trees and periodic sightings of animals or hearing birds chirp. We looked at feelings of joy and sadness and back to joy so we could experience the full spectrum of emotions but leave on a positive note. She planted suggestions by which she could measure Gregory's involvement in the process and being able to connect language to action, for example: moving ones fingers and toes, opening and closing one's mouth, stretching, smiling. The session ended with gentle music and her gently ringing a bell five times.
Even though the meditation was not as deep or productive as I am usually able to achieve, for me just 30 minutes time out from life was worth participating in the experience. When Corinne was gently bringing us back to the meditation space and calling us back to awareness, I arrived earlier on purpose so I could see how Gregory was doing. The peaceful expression on his eyes-closed face, the relaxation in his body, brought tears to my eyes. Feeling that I had been able to help create and provide that experience for Gregory and the ease and joy with which he experienced the session made me want to weep but I held it to quiet tears.
When Corinne asked us how the session went, Gregory replied "Wonderful!" We will do this again sometime in August.
She led the meditation with great skill, understanding, and compassion. We started with some aroma therapy using a scent called "Joy." She gave Gregory ample time to process the simply stated suggestions like breathing in time to the going up and coming down of a ferris wheel (one of Gregory's favorite rides,) or taking a walk through a forest with the sun shining through the trees and periodic sightings of animals or hearing birds chirp. We looked at feelings of joy and sadness and back to joy so we could experience the full spectrum of emotions but leave on a positive note. She planted suggestions by which she could measure Gregory's involvement in the process and being able to connect language to action, for example: moving ones fingers and toes, opening and closing one's mouth, stretching, smiling. The session ended with gentle music and her gently ringing a bell five times.
Even though the meditation was not as deep or productive as I am usually able to achieve, for me just 30 minutes time out from life was worth participating in the experience. When Corinne was gently bringing us back to the meditation space and calling us back to awareness, I arrived earlier on purpose so I could see how Gregory was doing. The peaceful expression on his eyes-closed face, the relaxation in his body, brought tears to my eyes. Feeling that I had been able to help create and provide that experience for Gregory and the ease and joy with which he experienced the session made me want to weep but I held it to quiet tears.
When Corinne asked us how the session went, Gregory replied "Wonderful!" We will do this again sometime in August.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Meditation: Class 8
The final class of this series got off to an ominous start. I have had a little cough tickle for the last three or four days but not a full flung anything. When I arrived at class I set up my "nest" with the bolsters, pillows, mats, etc and settled in for a long winter's "nap."
About ten minutes into the session, as Corinne was helping us settle in with her soothing voice, I had to cough. I suppressed and reached for a cough drop even though the room had quieted and people were beginning to enter the Yogi Nirdra "state." I suppressed again and realized I wan't going to make it. So I got up to leave the room and when I hit the hallway by the stairs, my cough exploded.
I proceeded down and around the corner and coughed, choked, hacked, all but vomited. Pretty huh? This behavior is not new so I was not worried but I hated to disturb the group and was feeling a little sad for myself at missing the last session.
A few minutes later, one of the group came to find me. She is a doctor and made my welfare part of her Yogi Nidra in making sure I was OK. I was moved by her action.
After a while my attack subsided and I went back upstairs and settled in just outside the classroom, laying on my back on the carpeted floor. I was surprised that I was able to get into a deep meditative state pretty quickly as I listened to Corinne talk about breathing, feeling the inhaled breath fill my entire body and the exhaled breath go out into the universe.
Then we arrived at the crux of this session, taking a deep look at our Heartfelt Desires (which we have looked at in various ways over the sessions.) This time we were to notice any emotions that were involved with our Heartfelt Desire. We shifted back and forth between the emotion and its opposite. Part of the purpose of this activity is to acknowledge that everything changes but that there is one essential thing that does not change and that is the Essential Self which is apart from Ego, being critical or judgmental of self, etc. I lovingly held both emotions in my arms and asked what they wanted me to know.
In my Heartfelt Desire, I once again looked towards my responsibilities as caregiver for Gregory. The emotions I alternated were Immense Sorrow and Great Joy.
The SORROW being our situation, the slow disintegration of Gregory, my loss of a friend and lover and life mate.
The JOY being what a good job I am doing of helping Gregory along his path, how happy and content he is, how good our life continues to be, and the many things I still enjoy doing with him as well as all of the creative life endeavors in which I continue to involve myself.
In relating to my Essential Self, I realized that both my SORROW and my JOY were the same ... LOVE! Love for Gregory and love for myself.
Next we looked for Beliefs that were supporting and Beliefs that were defeating the desires. Turns out my Critic is usually on full force telling me where I fall short of my goals, how I could be doing much better, what a failure I am.
At the same time my Essential Self is telling me that I am a wonderful, loving, creative caregiver, always doing my best even though I loose patience now and then and may not be as perfect as I would like.
As horrible as our situation is, the quality of our life and of my life is good. I continue to grow, to accomplish for myself and help keep Gregory's roller coaster of a life on the tracks.
I bring calm and love and order to both of us. There will ALWAYS be room for improvement and I am always seeking that. I am not as bad as my Critic would like me to believe.
Another awareness I have been working on is the ability to separate my Ego or Essential Nature from my Essential Self. I can almost FEEL who I am when my thoughts are quiet and I am not trying to label, identify, understand, interpret. Not totally sure what this means yet but wanted to mention it.
I am taking this class at the Heartwood Center in Evanston with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/
About ten minutes into the session, as Corinne was helping us settle in with her soothing voice, I had to cough. I suppressed and reached for a cough drop even though the room had quieted and people were beginning to enter the Yogi Nirdra "state." I suppressed again and realized I wan't going to make it. So I got up to leave the room and when I hit the hallway by the stairs, my cough exploded.
I proceeded down and around the corner and coughed, choked, hacked, all but vomited. Pretty huh? This behavior is not new so I was not worried but I hated to disturb the group and was feeling a little sad for myself at missing the last session.
A few minutes later, one of the group came to find me. She is a doctor and made my welfare part of her Yogi Nidra in making sure I was OK. I was moved by her action.
After a while my attack subsided and I went back upstairs and settled in just outside the classroom, laying on my back on the carpeted floor. I was surprised that I was able to get into a deep meditative state pretty quickly as I listened to Corinne talk about breathing, feeling the inhaled breath fill my entire body and the exhaled breath go out into the universe.
Then we arrived at the crux of this session, taking a deep look at our Heartfelt Desires (which we have looked at in various ways over the sessions.) This time we were to notice any emotions that were involved with our Heartfelt Desire. We shifted back and forth between the emotion and its opposite. Part of the purpose of this activity is to acknowledge that everything changes but that there is one essential thing that does not change and that is the Essential Self which is apart from Ego, being critical or judgmental of self, etc. I lovingly held both emotions in my arms and asked what they wanted me to know.
In my Heartfelt Desire, I once again looked towards my responsibilities as caregiver for Gregory. The emotions I alternated were Immense Sorrow and Great Joy.
The SORROW being our situation, the slow disintegration of Gregory, my loss of a friend and lover and life mate.
The JOY being what a good job I am doing of helping Gregory along his path, how happy and content he is, how good our life continues to be, and the many things I still enjoy doing with him as well as all of the creative life endeavors in which I continue to involve myself.
In relating to my Essential Self, I realized that both my SORROW and my JOY were the same ... LOVE! Love for Gregory and love for myself.
Next we looked for Beliefs that were supporting and Beliefs that were defeating the desires. Turns out my Critic is usually on full force telling me where I fall short of my goals, how I could be doing much better, what a failure I am.
At the same time my Essential Self is telling me that I am a wonderful, loving, creative caregiver, always doing my best even though I loose patience now and then and may not be as perfect as I would like.
As horrible as our situation is, the quality of our life and of my life is good. I continue to grow, to accomplish for myself and help keep Gregory's roller coaster of a life on the tracks.
I bring calm and love and order to both of us. There will ALWAYS be room for improvement and I am always seeking that. I am not as bad as my Critic would like me to believe.
Another awareness I have been working on is the ability to separate my Ego or Essential Nature from my Essential Self. I can almost FEEL who I am when my thoughts are quiet and I am not trying to label, identify, understand, interpret. Not totally sure what this means yet but wanted to mention it.
I am taking this class at the Heartwood Center in Evanston with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/
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