This image makes a nice metaphor for Dementia/Alzheimer's!
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
A Dream
Gregory came to me in a dream for the first time last night. If you are uninterested in thinking about various interpretations of the meaning of dreams, scroll down to the photo of Gregory and continue.
Freud (1900) considered dreams to be the royal road to the unconscious as it is in dreams that the ego's defenses are lowered so that some of the repressed material comes through to awareness, albeit in distorted form. Dreams perform important functions for the unconscious mind and serve as valuable clues to how the unconscious mind operates.
According to Jung, dreams are a way of communicating and acquainting yourself with the unconscious. Dreams are not attempts to conceal your true feelings from the waking mind, but rather they are a window to your unconscious. They serve to guide the waking self to achieve wholeness and offer a solution to a problem you are facing in your waking life.
A different theory suggests that dreams are the result of our brains trying to interpret external stimuli during sleep. For example, the sound of the radio may be incorporated into the content of a dream.
Another theory uses a computer metaphor to account for dreams. According to this theory, dreams serve to 'clean up' clutter from the mind, much like clean-up operations in a computer, refreshing the mind to prepare for the next day.
Yet another model proposes that dreams function as a form of psychotherapy. In this theory, the dreamer is able to make connections between different thoughts and emotions in a safe environment.
A contemporary model of dreaming combines some elements of various theories. The activation of the brain creates loose connections between thoughts and ideas, which are then guided by the emotions of the dreamer .
*I would add the possibility of a spiritual connection to those whom we have loved who have died.
Now on to the dream:
I dreamed that I was watching Gregory writing something on a card. I remember thinking "Is he really going to try to write out that entire thing?"
He then began to staple the card to a small cork board propped against the wall. After he securely stapled the four corners of the card onto the board, he continued stapling in a line across the empty board like an automaton doll out of control. (Automaton: A mechanical device made to imitate a human being like in the movie "HUGO.")
I got angry and wanted him to stop stapling. I had a stick in my hand and was going to hit him on his back but I didn't want to hurt him so I poked him in his right temple.
The stick penetrated his head, in my mind through to the brain, and he stopped "dead" in his tracks. I was horrified. I had inadvertently killed him. I waited for the blood to begin spurting out but instead, I woke up.
At first I continued to be horrified but set myself to interpreting what and why I had dreamed. I immediately said out loud, "Gregory, you and I had better get more accomplished at communicating." And I laughed out loud.
I could almost "see" what he was writing but could not remember. In thinking about it, maybe it was the poem by Friedrich Holderlin which I put on the back of Gregory's memory card and that was I passed out at his memorials.
Dream Information taken from
http://psychology.about.com
http://www.dreammoods.com
http://www.simplypsychology.org
Freud (1900) considered dreams to be the royal road to the unconscious as it is in dreams that the ego's defenses are lowered so that some of the repressed material comes through to awareness, albeit in distorted form. Dreams perform important functions for the unconscious mind and serve as valuable clues to how the unconscious mind operates.
According to Jung, dreams are a way of communicating and acquainting yourself with the unconscious. Dreams are not attempts to conceal your true feelings from the waking mind, but rather they are a window to your unconscious. They serve to guide the waking self to achieve wholeness and offer a solution to a problem you are facing in your waking life.
A different theory suggests that dreams are the result of our brains trying to interpret external stimuli during sleep. For example, the sound of the radio may be incorporated into the content of a dream.
Another theory uses a computer metaphor to account for dreams. According to this theory, dreams serve to 'clean up' clutter from the mind, much like clean-up operations in a computer, refreshing the mind to prepare for the next day.
Yet another model proposes that dreams function as a form of psychotherapy. In this theory, the dreamer is able to make connections between different thoughts and emotions in a safe environment.
A contemporary model of dreaming combines some elements of various theories. The activation of the brain creates loose connections between thoughts and ideas, which are then guided by the emotions of the dreamer .
*I would add the possibility of a spiritual connection to those whom we have loved who have died.
I dreamed that I was watching Gregory writing something on a card. I remember thinking "Is he really going to try to write out that entire thing?"
He then began to staple the card to a small cork board propped against the wall. After he securely stapled the four corners of the card onto the board, he continued stapling in a line across the empty board like an automaton doll out of control. (Automaton: A mechanical device made to imitate a human being like in the movie "HUGO.")
I got angry and wanted him to stop stapling. I had a stick in my hand and was going to hit him on his back but I didn't want to hurt him so I poked him in his right temple.
The stick penetrated his head, in my mind through to the brain, and he stopped "dead" in his tracks. I was horrified. I had inadvertently killed him. I waited for the blood to begin spurting out but instead, I woke up.
At first I continued to be horrified but set myself to interpreting what and why I had dreamed. I immediately said out loud, "Gregory, you and I had better get more accomplished at communicating." And I laughed out loud.
I could almost "see" what he was writing but could not remember. In thinking about it, maybe it was the poem by Friedrich Holderlin which I put on the back of Gregory's memory card and that was I passed out at his memorials.
Behold! The lovelier blue of heaven
is gathered in my friend's eye
and from his unclouded brow
beams highborn fidelity.
More brightly it is written here
than in gold upon our door;
Where good men love one another,
joy dwells ever and evermore!
I fell back asleep and when I awoke a few hours later I had a headache pain in my right temple (the same side where I poked Gregory.) Then I remembered that Gregory and I used to say; in relation to our love, our unspoken communication, and our constant awareness of each other even when apart, "I carry you in the upper right hand corner of my brain with love." Nice to re-remember that.
Dream Information taken from
http://psychology.about.com
http://www.dreammoods.com
http://www.simplypsychology.org
Friday, August 21, 2015
Regaining My Heritage
With Gregory being at Lieberman Center for Health and Rehabilitation, which is run by CJE, Council for Jewish Elderly, my "roots" have been talking to me more and more.
Many of the residents speak Russian, or Polish, or German but often Yiddish. My childhood experiences with listening to my Grandparents and parents speak Yiddish come back to me along with the meaning of many of the expressions. Fluent speaking Yiddish, no. Use of expressions, easy.
The adults would speak in Yiddish so the children wouldn't hear. The topics were gossipy, sexy joke dirty, about the kids, etc. But guess what. The kids began to understand what the adults were saying. We had to be careful not to giggle which would give away the fact that we understood what they were saying.
Meanwhile, my one word communications with many of the residents at Lieberman bring smiles, acknowledgements, and torrents of untranslated replies to which a smile seems enough. ZieGazunt - Stay well, Be good, Good Bye. Bisel - A little. Voos Maxtu - What's new?
I am trying to learn more:
Selected Yiddish Words and Phrases - impress your friends and family
http://www.sbjf.org/sbjco/schmaltz/yiddish_phrases.htm
A BI GEZUNT: So long as you're healthy. Expression means, "Don't worry so much about a problem, whatever it is. You've still got your health."
ALTER COCKER: An old and complaining person, an old fart.
AY-YAY-YAY: A Joyous, or at times sarcastic, exclamation.
BALABUSTA: The wife of an important person or a bossy woman.
BEI MIR BIST DU SHAYN: To me you're beautiful.
BERRYER: Denotes a woman who has excellent homemaking skills. Considered a compliment in the pre-feminist era.
BISSEL, BISSELA: A little.
BOBBEMYSEH: Old wive's tales, nonsense.
BOYCHICK: An affectionate term for a young boy.
BROCHE: A prayer.
BUBBA: A grandmother.
BUBBALA: A term of endearment, darling.
BUPKES: Something worthless or absurd.
CHAYA: An animal. "Vilda Chaya," a wild animal, is a term used to describe unruly children.
CHAZEREI: Food that is awful, junk or garbage.
CHUTZPAH: Nerve; gall, as in a person who kills her parents and asks for mercy because she is an orphan.
DRECK: Shit. Can refer to the ugliness of objects or people.
ESS: Eat.
FAYGALA: A male homosexual. (literally, little bird.)
FERBLUNJIT: Lost, mixed up.
FERCOCKT: All fucked up.
FERDRAYT: Dizzy, confused.
FARPITZS: All dressed up.
FERMISHT: All shook up, as in an acute disturbance.
FERSHTAY?: Do you understand.
FRESS: To eat like an animal, i.e., quickly, noisily, and in great quantity. (Compare with ess, to eat like a human being.)
GAVALT: A cry of fear or a cry for help. Oy Gevalt is often used as expression meaning "oh how terrible."
GAY AVEK: Go away, get out of here.
GAY GA ZINTA HATE: Go in good health. Often said in parting but can be spoken with irony to mean, "go do your own thing."
GAY SHLAFEN: Go to sleep.
GELT: Money.
GONIF: A thief, a tricky clever person, a shady character.
GOY: A derogatory term meaning gentile, goyim is the plural, and goyisher is the adjective.
GREPSE: To belch.
GORNISHT: Nothing. Often used in a sarcastic manner, as in what did you get from her? Gunisht.
HAYMISH: Informal, friendly. A haimisher mensch is someone you feel comfortable with.
HOK A CHAINIK: To talk too much, to talk nonsense.
KIBITZ: To offer comments which are often unwanted during a game, to tease or joke around. A kibitzer gives unasked for advice.
KINE-AHORA: A magical phrase to ward off the evil eye or to show one's praises are genuine and not tainted by envy.
KLUTZ: An awkward, uncoordinated person.
KOSHER: Refers to food that it prepared according to Jewish law. More generally kosher means legitimate.
KVELL: To beam with pride and pleasure, Jewish parents are prone to kvell over their children's achievements.
KVETCH: To annoy or to be an annoying person, to complain.
LOCH IN KOP: Literally a hole in the head, refers to things one definitely does not need.
LUZZEM: Leave him be, let her or him alone.
MACH SHNEL: Hurry up.
MACHER: An ambitious person; a schemer with many plans.
MAVEN: An expert, a connoisseur.
MAZEL TOV: Good luck, usually said as a statement of support or congratulations.
MEESKAIT: A little ugly one; a person or thing.
MEGILLAH: Long, complicated and boring.
MENSCH: A person of character. An individual of recognized worth because of noble values or actions.
MESHUGGE or MESHUGGINA: Crazy.
MISHEGOSS: Inappropriate, crazy, or bizarre actions or beliefs.
MISHPOCHA: Family, usually extended family.
NACHES: Joy. To "shep naches" means to derive pleasure. Jewish children are expected to provide their parent with naches in the form of achievement.
NARRISHKEIT: Foolishness, trivia.
NEBBISH: An inadequate person, a loser.
NOODGE: To bother, to push, a person who bothers you.
NOSH: To snack.
Many of the residents speak Russian, or Polish, or German but often Yiddish. My childhood experiences with listening to my Grandparents and parents speak Yiddish come back to me along with the meaning of many of the expressions. Fluent speaking Yiddish, no. Use of expressions, easy.
The adults would speak in Yiddish so the children wouldn't hear. The topics were gossipy, sexy joke dirty, about the kids, etc. But guess what. The kids began to understand what the adults were saying. We had to be careful not to giggle which would give away the fact that we understood what they were saying.
Meanwhile, my one word communications with many of the residents at Lieberman bring smiles, acknowledgements, and torrents of untranslated replies to which a smile seems enough. ZieGazunt - Stay well, Be good, Good Bye. Bisel - A little. Voos Maxtu - What's new?
I am trying to learn more:
The First Words You Learn
Selected Yiddish Words and Phrases - impress your friends and family
http://www.sbjf.org/sbjco/schmaltz/yiddish_phrases.htm
A BI GEZUNT: So long as you're healthy. Expression means, "Don't worry so much about a problem, whatever it is. You've still got your health."
ALTER COCKER: An old and complaining person, an old fart.
AY-YAY-YAY: A Joyous, or at times sarcastic, exclamation.
BALABUSTA: The wife of an important person or a bossy woman.
BEI MIR BIST DU SHAYN: To me you're beautiful.
BERRYER: Denotes a woman who has excellent homemaking skills. Considered a compliment in the pre-feminist era.
BISSEL, BISSELA: A little.
BOBBEMYSEH: Old wive's tales, nonsense.
BOYCHICK: An affectionate term for a young boy.
BROCHE: A prayer.
BUBBA: A grandmother.
BUBBALA: A term of endearment, darling.
BUPKES: Something worthless or absurd.
CHAYA: An animal. "Vilda Chaya," a wild animal, is a term used to describe unruly children.
CHAZEREI: Food that is awful, junk or garbage.
CHUTZPAH: Nerve; gall, as in a person who kills her parents and asks for mercy because she is an orphan.
DRECK: Shit. Can refer to the ugliness of objects or people.
ESS: Eat.
FAYGALA: A male homosexual. (literally, little bird.)
FERBLUNJIT: Lost, mixed up.
FERCOCKT: All fucked up.
FERDRAYT: Dizzy, confused.
FARPITZS: All dressed up.
FERMISHT: All shook up, as in an acute disturbance.
FERSHTAY?: Do you understand.
FRESS: To eat like an animal, i.e., quickly, noisily, and in great quantity. (Compare with ess, to eat like a human being.)
GAVALT: A cry of fear or a cry for help. Oy Gevalt is often used as expression meaning "oh how terrible."
GAY AVEK: Go away, get out of here.
GAY GA ZINTA HATE: Go in good health. Often said in parting but can be spoken with irony to mean, "go do your own thing."
GAY SHLAFEN: Go to sleep.
GELT: Money.
GONIF: A thief, a tricky clever person, a shady character.
GOY: A derogatory term meaning gentile, goyim is the plural, and goyisher is the adjective.
GREPSE: To belch.
GORNISHT: Nothing. Often used in a sarcastic manner, as in what did you get from her? Gunisht.
HAYMISH: Informal, friendly. A haimisher mensch is someone you feel comfortable with.
HOK A CHAINIK: To talk too much, to talk nonsense.
KIBITZ: To offer comments which are often unwanted during a game, to tease or joke around. A kibitzer gives unasked for advice.
KINE-AHORA: A magical phrase to ward off the evil eye or to show one's praises are genuine and not tainted by envy.
KLUTZ: An awkward, uncoordinated person.
KOSHER: Refers to food that it prepared according to Jewish law. More generally kosher means legitimate.
KVELL: To beam with pride and pleasure, Jewish parents are prone to kvell over their children's achievements.
KVETCH: To annoy or to be an annoying person, to complain.
LOCH IN KOP: Literally a hole in the head, refers to things one definitely does not need.
LUZZEM: Leave him be, let her or him alone.
MACH SHNEL: Hurry up.
MACHER: An ambitious person; a schemer with many plans.
MAVEN: An expert, a connoisseur.
MAZEL TOV: Good luck, usually said as a statement of support or congratulations.
MEESKAIT: A little ugly one; a person or thing.
MEGILLAH: Long, complicated and boring.
MENSCH: A person of character. An individual of recognized worth because of noble values or actions.
MESHUGGE or MESHUGGINA: Crazy.
MISHEGOSS: Inappropriate, crazy, or bizarre actions or beliefs.
MISHPOCHA: Family, usually extended family.
NACHES: Joy. To "shep naches" means to derive pleasure. Jewish children are expected to provide their parent with naches in the form of achievement.
NARRISHKEIT: Foolishness, trivia.
NEBBISH: An inadequate person, a loser.
NOODGE: To bother, to push, a person who bothers you.
NOSH: To snack.
NOSHERYE refers to food.
NU: Has many meanings including, "so?; How are things?; how about it?; What can one do?; I dare you!"
NUDNIK: A pest, a persistent and annoying person.
ONGEPOTCHKET: Messed up, slapped together without form, excessively and unesthetically decorated.
OY-YOY-YOY: An exclamation of sorrow and lamentation.
OY VEY: "Oh, how terrible things are".
NU: Has many meanings including, "so?; How are things?; how about it?; What can one do?; I dare you!"
NUDNIK: A pest, a persistent and annoying person.
ONGEPOTCHKET: Messed up, slapped together without form, excessively and unesthetically decorated.
OY-YOY-YOY: An exclamation of sorrow and lamentation.
OY VEY: "Oh, how terrible things are".
OH VEZ MEAR means "Oh, woe is me".
PISHER: A bed-wetter, a young inexperienced person, a person of no consequence.
PLOTZ: To burst, to explode, "I can't laugh anymore or I'll "plotz." To be aggravated beyond bearing.
POTCHKA: To fool around; to be busy without a clear goal.
PUPIK: Belly button.
PUTZ: A vulgarism for penis but most usually used as term of contempt for a fool, or an easy mark.
RACHMONES: Compassion.
SAYKHEL: Common sense.
SCHLOCK: A shoddy, cheaply made article, something thats been knocked around.
SCHMALTZ: Literally chicken fat. Usually refers to overly emotional and sentimental behavior.
SCHMUCK: A vulgarism for penis, strong putdown for a jerk, a detestable person.
SHADKHEN: a professional matchmaker.
SHANDA: A shame, a scandal. The expression "a shanda fur die goy" means to do something embarrassing to Jews where non-Jews can observe it.
SHAYGETS: A gentile boy and man, also means a clever lad or rascal.
SHAYNER: Pretty, wholesomely attractive, as in shayner maidel (woman.)
SHIKSA: A gentile girl or woman.
SHLEMIEL: A dummy; someone who is taken advantage of, a born loser.
SHLEP: To carry or to move about. Can refer to a person, a "shlepper," who is unkempt and has no ambition.
SHLIMAZL: A chronically unlucky person, a born loser, when a shlimazl sells umbrella the sun comes out.
SHMENDRICK: A weak and thin pipsqueak. The opposite of mensch, a a physically small shlemiel.
SHMEGEGGE: A petty person, an untalented person.
SHMATTA: A rag, often used as a putdown for clothes of the unfashionably dressed.
SHMEER: To spread as in to "shmeer" butter on bread. Can also mean to bribe and can refer to the "whole package", as in I'll accept the whole shmeer.
SHMOOZ: To hang out with, a friendly gossipy talk.
SHMUTZIK: Dirt.
SHNORRER: A begger, a moocher, a cheapskate, a chiseler.
SHNOZ: A Nose. Jimmy Durante was known as a the great shnoz.
SHTETL: A Jewish ghetto village.
SHTIK: A stick or thing. Often refers to an individual's unique way of presenting themselves, as in "She is doing her shtik."
SHTUNK: A stinker, a nasty person or a scandalous mess.
SHTUP: An expression for sexual intercourse, to "screw."
SHVITZ: To sweat, also refers to a Turkish bath house. A shvitzer means a braggart, a showoff.
SHVANTZ: A word for penis.
SPIEL: To play, as in to play a game.
TCHOTCHKA: An inexpensive trinket, a toy. Can also mean a sexy but brainless girl. The affectionate diminutive is tchotchkala.
TSETUMMELT: Confused, bewildered.
TSIMMES: A side dish, a prolonged procedure, an involved and troubling business, as in the phrase, "don't make a tsimmes out of it."
TSORISS: Suffering, woes.
TUCHES: Backside, ass, "tuches lecker" means ass kisser, one who shamelessly curries favor with superiors.
TUMMEL: Noise, commotion, disorder.
VER CLEMPT: All choked up.
VUS MACHS DA: What's happening? What's up?
YENTA: A busybody, usually refers to an older woman.
YENTZ: Course word for sexual intercourse. Also means to cheat or screw someone. Yentzer is the noun.
ZAFTIG: Juicy, plump. Can refer to food, ideas or people. A buxom woman.
ZIE GA ZINK: Wishing someone good health.
ZETZ: A strong blow or punch.
ZEYDE: Grandfather, or old man.
ZHLUB: An insensitive, ill-mannered person, a clumsy individual.
PISHER: A bed-wetter, a young inexperienced person, a person of no consequence.
PLOTZ: To burst, to explode, "I can't laugh anymore or I'll "plotz." To be aggravated beyond bearing.
POTCHKA: To fool around; to be busy without a clear goal.
PUPIK: Belly button.
PUTZ: A vulgarism for penis but most usually used as term of contempt for a fool, or an easy mark.
RACHMONES: Compassion.
SAYKHEL: Common sense.
SCHLOCK: A shoddy, cheaply made article, something thats been knocked around.
SCHMALTZ: Literally chicken fat. Usually refers to overly emotional and sentimental behavior.
SCHMUCK: A vulgarism for penis, strong putdown for a jerk, a detestable person.
SHADKHEN: a professional matchmaker.
SHANDA: A shame, a scandal. The expression "a shanda fur die goy" means to do something embarrassing to Jews where non-Jews can observe it.
SHAYGETS: A gentile boy and man, also means a clever lad or rascal.
SHAYNER: Pretty, wholesomely attractive, as in shayner maidel (woman.)
SHIKSA: A gentile girl or woman.
SHLEMIEL: A dummy; someone who is taken advantage of, a born loser.
SHLEP: To carry or to move about. Can refer to a person, a "shlepper," who is unkempt and has no ambition.
SHLIMAZL: A chronically unlucky person, a born loser, when a shlimazl sells umbrella the sun comes out.
SHMENDRICK: A weak and thin pipsqueak. The opposite of mensch, a a physically small shlemiel.
SHMEGEGGE: A petty person, an untalented person.
SHMATTA: A rag, often used as a putdown for clothes of the unfashionably dressed.
SHMEER: To spread as in to "shmeer" butter on bread. Can also mean to bribe and can refer to the "whole package", as in I'll accept the whole shmeer.
SHMOOZ: To hang out with, a friendly gossipy talk.
SHMUTZIK: Dirt.
SHNORRER: A begger, a moocher, a cheapskate, a chiseler.
SHNOZ: A Nose. Jimmy Durante was known as a the great shnoz.
SHTETL: A Jewish ghetto village.
SHTIK: A stick or thing. Often refers to an individual's unique way of presenting themselves, as in "She is doing her shtik."
SHTUNK: A stinker, a nasty person or a scandalous mess.
SHTUP: An expression for sexual intercourse, to "screw."
SHVITZ: To sweat, also refers to a Turkish bath house. A shvitzer means a braggart, a showoff.
SHVANTZ: A word for penis.
SPIEL: To play, as in to play a game.
TCHOTCHKA: An inexpensive trinket, a toy. Can also mean a sexy but brainless girl. The affectionate diminutive is tchotchkala.
TSETUMMELT: Confused, bewildered.
TSIMMES: A side dish, a prolonged procedure, an involved and troubling business, as in the phrase, "don't make a tsimmes out of it."
TSORISS: Suffering, woes.
TUCHES: Backside, ass, "tuches lecker" means ass kisser, one who shamelessly curries favor with superiors.
TUMMEL: Noise, commotion, disorder.
VER CLEMPT: All choked up.
VUS MACHS DA: What's happening? What's up?
YENTA: A busybody, usually refers to an older woman.
YENTZ: Course word for sexual intercourse. Also means to cheat or screw someone. Yentzer is the noun.
ZAFTIG: Juicy, plump. Can refer to food, ideas or people. A buxom woman.
ZIE GA ZINK: Wishing someone good health.
ZETZ: A strong blow or punch.
ZEYDE: Grandfather, or old man.
ZHLUB: An insensitive, ill-mannered person, a clumsy individual.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Such Opportunities!
Each day I am presented with so many ways to share joy, love, kindness ... and for this I am grateful. This is one of the most important, valued gifts that Gregory on his Journey with dementia has given to me.
When I arrive at Lieberman to see Gregory, he lights up and smiles and is happy. We hug and kiss or give a forehead "boink" as Gregory calls it. And I am happy.
Some days if he is not feeling well or is sleepy he has a hard time focusing on me having arrived. Still I hold on to my joy and refuse to revisit or seek the past of who we were or what we have been through, good or bad.
The staff always are cheerful and enjoy my greeting or send one my way first. I always make sure they know how much I appreciate them and what they do for Gregory as well as all the residents under their care.
I can reach out and offer my hand to one of my many family/friends/residents at Lieberman. For a number of them, my presence or arrival evokes a smile, a wave, a nod, a salute.
For others, a touch can mean so much to someone for whom outside stimulus is not readily available. A smile sometimes evokes a smile returned.
"How are you today?" I ask and usually get a smile or an "OK." If the answer is "Not so good." I can empathize and hope that tomorrow will be better.
But mostly, the residents are not too down and do not obsess. For some however, obsession and/or negativity is the way they interact with their world and maybe that is "OK" too?
The simple act of snapping a napkin around Martha's neck, cutting up Batia's food, offering to help feed Harun (with the usual "FUCK YOU!" You are dirty!) all bring joy.
How hard is it to make a peanut butter sandwich for Bill who usually doesn't like the day's offering? What does it take to tell Gerri that her son Howard says hello and sends his love and when asked where he is, fibbing that he is still at work?
Every time I get off the elevator, Mini is sitting there. Every time she asks, "Who are you?" "Why are you here?" "Where do you live?" "When is dinner." These is the only conversation I have had with her. Mini is 100 years old.
Betty's favorite comment is: "I want to go to my room." or "I want to go to bed." The usual reply is "OK. Why don't you eat a little more dinner and then you can go to bed." Sometimes it works. Most of the times brings, "I don't want it. I want to go to my room."
When one of the residents asks for help it is safer to refer the request to one of the Resident Care Associates. I've learned that there are some requests I can fulfill like bringing an extra napkin or getting more juice (making sure it has the correct level of thickening for that resident.)
A common request in the dining room or while watching TV in one of the wings, "I want to go to the bathroom. Or "Take me out of here." I have learned to offer, "You're next. The helper will get you next." It usually works and works fairly well because the element of "time" and/or "next" doesn't really exist for many of the residents.
Some of the family/friends/residents are so far progressed with their dementia that they are not at all present but I find that sometimes a "Hello" or touch does make a connection. I keep trying.
These are just a few of the opportunities that present themselves. And I am grateful for each interaction. I enjoy being with Gregory at Lieberman and look forward to my visits.
When I arrive at Lieberman to see Gregory, he lights up and smiles and is happy. We hug and kiss or give a forehead "boink" as Gregory calls it. And I am happy.
Some days if he is not feeling well or is sleepy he has a hard time focusing on me having arrived. Still I hold on to my joy and refuse to revisit or seek the past of who we were or what we have been through, good or bad.
The staff always are cheerful and enjoy my greeting or send one my way first. I always make sure they know how much I appreciate them and what they do for Gregory as well as all the residents under their care.
I can reach out and offer my hand to one of my many family/friends/residents at Lieberman. For a number of them, my presence or arrival evokes a smile, a wave, a nod, a salute.
For others, a touch can mean so much to someone for whom outside stimulus is not readily available. A smile sometimes evokes a smile returned.
"How are you today?" I ask and usually get a smile or an "OK." If the answer is "Not so good." I can empathize and hope that tomorrow will be better.
But mostly, the residents are not too down and do not obsess. For some however, obsession and/or negativity is the way they interact with their world and maybe that is "OK" too?
The simple act of snapping a napkin around Martha's neck, cutting up Batia's food, offering to help feed Harun (with the usual "FUCK YOU!" You are dirty!) all bring joy.
How hard is it to make a peanut butter sandwich for Bill who usually doesn't like the day's offering? What does it take to tell Gerri that her son Howard says hello and sends his love and when asked where he is, fibbing that he is still at work?
Every time I get off the elevator, Mini is sitting there. Every time she asks, "Who are you?" "Why are you here?" "Where do you live?" "When is dinner." These is the only conversation I have had with her. Mini is 100 years old.
Betty's favorite comment is: "I want to go to my room." or "I want to go to bed." The usual reply is "OK. Why don't you eat a little more dinner and then you can go to bed." Sometimes it works. Most of the times brings, "I don't want it. I want to go to my room."
When one of the residents asks for help it is safer to refer the request to one of the Resident Care Associates. I've learned that there are some requests I can fulfill like bringing an extra napkin or getting more juice (making sure it has the correct level of thickening for that resident.)
A common request in the dining room or while watching TV in one of the wings, "I want to go to the bathroom. Or "Take me out of here." I have learned to offer, "You're next. The helper will get you next." It usually works and works fairly well because the element of "time" and/or "next" doesn't really exist for many of the residents.
Some of the family/friends/residents are so far progressed with their dementia that they are not at all present but I find that sometimes a "Hello" or touch does make a connection. I keep trying.
These are just a few of the opportunities that present themselves. And I am grateful for each interaction. I enjoy being with Gregory at Lieberman and look forward to my visits.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Flu Season
Even though Gregory had his flu shot, and me mine, we are both under the weather.
Mine started on Christmas Day.
Not sure when G's started.
Mine: fever 101+, cough, congestion, sinus burning, short breath, bloated, minor ache, chest pain, sleeping, dizzy.
Mine started on Christmas Day.
Not sure when G's started.
Mine: fever 101+, cough, congestion, sinus burning, short breath, bloated, minor ache, chest pain, sleeping, dizzy.
Gregory's: according to head floor nurse, fever and chills. He will stay in bed all day today and have meals in room.
I have stayed in bed and not visited Lieberman since the day after Christmas.
Floor nurse informed me of Gregory's condition, that the doctor would visit again today, that on assisted living floors 6 and 7 they have begun quarantineing, and that everyone on 5 has received the Tamiflu Medicine.
I have a call into my doctor and have Isaac around to help if needed.
I asked Manny to come in earlier and stay later during Gregory's illness.
The difference is that I can communicate my aches and pains and needs while Gregory cannot. I wonder if the flu is worse when you can gripe about it or when you don't know the difference, just that you don't feel right?
I am happy that Manny can spend more time with him.
I have a call into my doctor and have Isaac around to help if needed.
I asked Manny to come in earlier and stay later during Gregory's illness.
The difference is that I can communicate my aches and pains and needs while Gregory cannot. I wonder if the flu is worse when you can gripe about it or when you don't know the difference, just that you don't feel right?
I am happy that Manny can spend more time with him.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
It Was Almost Like Normal
Manny and Gregory had returned from the Sunday entertainment and I found them in Gregory's room. This is the first time in a long time that I was unable to attend the 3:00 program.
Gregory and I hugged. Manny and I caught up on some "housekeeping" like my returning newly laundered pillow cases, checking to make sure there were enough snacks in the fridge, getting feedback on how Gregory was doing with his tush rash, helping Manny with a few pointers on using his new iPhone (which was a gift from Gregory and me.)
Then Manny "disappeared into the hall" and Gregory and I had some alone time. I told Gregory I loved him, that he makes me happy, and that I like being with him.
I leaned into his left shoulder and with some effort helped him lift his right arm and placed his hand on my head. I could feel him slightly stroking my hair and my tears and a few sobs arrived without warning.
Even though I had set it up, it was wonderful being caressed and touched by the person I love most in the world. I am not sure how much Gregory was aware of the situation.
We just sat quietly like this and then at Gregory's gesture, we moved away from each other. I again said, "I love you."
He replied, "I love you."
I asked, "How much do you love me?"
He replied, "Very much."
I said, "I love you very much too."
"Yes," was his response.
"Thank you." I said.
He answered, "You are welcome."
It was almost like a normal communication. In fact it was a normal communication. One learns not to look too deeply in understanding, mindfulness, or intent. One just enjoys the moment.
Gregory and I hugged. Manny and I caught up on some "housekeeping" like my returning newly laundered pillow cases, checking to make sure there were enough snacks in the fridge, getting feedback on how Gregory was doing with his tush rash, helping Manny with a few pointers on using his new iPhone (which was a gift from Gregory and me.)
Then Manny "disappeared into the hall" and Gregory and I had some alone time. I told Gregory I loved him, that he makes me happy, and that I like being with him.
I leaned into his left shoulder and with some effort helped him lift his right arm and placed his hand on my head. I could feel him slightly stroking my hair and my tears and a few sobs arrived without warning.
Even though I had set it up, it was wonderful being caressed and touched by the person I love most in the world. I am not sure how much Gregory was aware of the situation.
We just sat quietly like this and then at Gregory's gesture, we moved away from each other. I again said, "I love you."
He replied, "I love you."
I asked, "How much do you love me?"
He replied, "Very much."
I said, "I love you very much too."
"Yes," was his response.
"Thank you." I said.
He answered, "You are welcome."
It was almost like a normal communication. In fact it was a normal communication. One learns not to look too deeply in understanding, mindfulness, or intent. One just enjoys the moment.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Role Playing
To follow up on a previous post or two dealing with Gregory's new found interest in role playing, here is a list of current routines. I believe that he uses them as a form of interaction, definitely not communication as there is no sense in what he says.
Italian
Russian
Jewish
Developmentally Disabled
French
Silly
Baby Talk
To really picture what I am talking about, you need to experience him as he plays. Once he gets going, sometimes there is no stopping him until I pop a cookie into his mouth.
I get great joy out of the interactions and both Gregory and I usually dissolve into the giggles and at times get so tickled that we cannot stop laughing.
Italian
Russian
Jewish
Developmentally Disabled
French
Silly
Baby Talk
To really picture what I am talking about, you need to experience him as he plays. Once he gets going, sometimes there is no stopping him until I pop a cookie into his mouth.
I get great joy out of the interactions and both Gregory and I usually dissolve into the giggles and at times get so tickled that we cannot stop laughing.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
New Role Playing Communication
Previously I have mentioned that a new way of communicating with Gregory is through "Role Playing." With this type of communication/interaction, there is no meaning or information transfer but rather a way of being together in the present here and now.
Previously I mentioned his playing: 1) Italian (with accent but making no sense,) 2) Russian (with accent but making no sense,) 3) "Retard" (with gibberish - excuse me for being politically insensitive but that best describes how he plays the role.) When he begins one of his roles, I will imitate it with him. After each role playing takes place, both Gregory and I usually melt into giggles having had a wonderful time.
Today I was at Lieberman bright and early at 8:30 to help Gregory get through a dentist visit appointment at 9:00. While we were waiting for the dentist to be ready I experienced two new roles. 1) Halloween Monster (with arms extend in front of him and hands clawed with a deep guttural roaring,) and 2) Play Dead.
During the entire teeth cleaning experience Gregory cooperated but yelled and screamed Ouch, ouch, shit, ouch, stop, you're hurting me. I do not think Gregory was in a lot of pain but just didn't like the dentist playing his mouth, pulling on his lips, and scraping his teeth and gums.
"Playing Dead" took place when the dentist withdrew his tools from Gregory's mouth for a moment and Gregory called out, "You killed me," opened his eyes as wide as they could go, lolled his head to the right, tongue hanging loosely from his mouth, eyes closed!
Then we giggled again.
Previously I mentioned his playing: 1) Italian (with accent but making no sense,) 2) Russian (with accent but making no sense,) 3) "Retard" (with gibberish - excuse me for being politically insensitive but that best describes how he plays the role.) When he begins one of his roles, I will imitate it with him. After each role playing takes place, both Gregory and I usually melt into giggles having had a wonderful time.
Today I was at Lieberman bright and early at 8:30 to help Gregory get through a dentist visit appointment at 9:00. While we were waiting for the dentist to be ready I experienced two new roles. 1) Halloween Monster (with arms extend in front of him and hands clawed with a deep guttural roaring,) and 2) Play Dead.
During the entire teeth cleaning experience Gregory cooperated but yelled and screamed Ouch, ouch, shit, ouch, stop, you're hurting me. I do not think Gregory was in a lot of pain but just didn't like the dentist playing his mouth, pulling on his lips, and scraping his teeth and gums.
"Playing Dead" took place when the dentist withdrew his tools from Gregory's mouth for a moment and Gregory called out, "You killed me," opened his eyes as wide as they could go, lolled his head to the right, tongue hanging loosely from his mouth, eyes closed!
Then we giggled again.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Visiting
Visited Gregory yesterday. Arrived before dinner and visited. Sat during dinner and visited. Went back to his room after dinner and visited.
Visited. What does that mean?
In our narrow world it means repetition and simplicity. Playing, eating, sipping water or juice, watching South Pacific (over and over again,) putting on a "Peaceful the Bear" puppet show.
Sometimes just quietly hold hands while we sit together, him in his wheel chair and me on a stool at his side. He doses off. I look at him closely, wondering.
The other day, my outer voice said, "I miss Gregory."
My inner voice said, "You shouldn't miss Gregory. He is still with you."
I realized that what I miss is my old life with Gregory. In many ways even when he was a lot more available that "old life" had passed with only the memories left.
It was an abrupt, unexpected ending last January 2014 when I had to call 911 to help me deal with his violence and then to find Lieberman Memory Care Center for him.
But that was ten months ago and both Gregory and I have settled into our new lives.
What I miss is living with a person in a relationship that has 40 years of experience and practice. I miss the little sound bites, little sayings, little doings that no longer exist. I miss our conversations. I miss waking up in the morning next to him. I miss sharing a dinner out. There is so much I miss.
But amazingly enough, Gregory and I continue to build new experiences based on his current level of ability. I pop a mini-cookie into his mouth and he replies "mmmm." I stick a pretzel rod into his mouth and let go. He knows to reach up and hold it and finish eating it.
If the half a cup of water is left close enough, sometimes he reaches over picks it up to take a drink. When he gets nervous that his wheel chair is being pushed down the hall too quickly, I reply, "No, it's OK. I am a safe drive. A very safe driver."
We do "forehead kisses" by leaning our foreheads against each other in a 30 or 60 second "embrace." We kiss on the lips. I make a loud smacking, high school newly learned how to kiss sound to make sure he gets the idea. Recently he has begun making the sound too. Sometimes when we kiss he says, "More."
He does his "jabber routines" in various languages. They make no sense but he is able to carry on and then we both giggle at his joking in Russian, Yiddish, Italian, Insane Person.
He will give me a "look" and I will ask, "What?" He will say "What?" in return. We go back and forth maybe some 6 or a dozen times: What? What? What? What? Then we giggle.
When he tries to say something or tell me something and gets frustrated at being unable to do so, all I have to do is say, "I know." And he calms down, trusting that I do understand. Sometimes I do, most of the time I only understand that he is upset and that my sound bite can settle him.
I tell him stories about his, our past and he seems to enjoy them. Sometimes he gets melancholic but usually with a sadness of joy at remembering.
In his world, our life is full. In my world, I am content. Or as I say "STRANGELY CONTENT."
Visited. What does that mean?
In our narrow world it means repetition and simplicity. Playing, eating, sipping water or juice, watching South Pacific (over and over again,) putting on a "Peaceful the Bear" puppet show.
Sometimes just quietly hold hands while we sit together, him in his wheel chair and me on a stool at his side. He doses off. I look at him closely, wondering.
The other day, my outer voice said, "I miss Gregory."
My inner voice said, "You shouldn't miss Gregory. He is still with you."
I realized that what I miss is my old life with Gregory. In many ways even when he was a lot more available that "old life" had passed with only the memories left.
It was an abrupt, unexpected ending last January 2014 when I had to call 911 to help me deal with his violence and then to find Lieberman Memory Care Center for him.
But that was ten months ago and both Gregory and I have settled into our new lives.
What I miss is living with a person in a relationship that has 40 years of experience and practice. I miss the little sound bites, little sayings, little doings that no longer exist. I miss our conversations. I miss waking up in the morning next to him. I miss sharing a dinner out. There is so much I miss.
But amazingly enough, Gregory and I continue to build new experiences based on his current level of ability. I pop a mini-cookie into his mouth and he replies "mmmm." I stick a pretzel rod into his mouth and let go. He knows to reach up and hold it and finish eating it.
If the half a cup of water is left close enough, sometimes he reaches over picks it up to take a drink. When he gets nervous that his wheel chair is being pushed down the hall too quickly, I reply, "No, it's OK. I am a safe drive. A very safe driver."
We do "forehead kisses" by leaning our foreheads against each other in a 30 or 60 second "embrace." We kiss on the lips. I make a loud smacking, high school newly learned how to kiss sound to make sure he gets the idea. Recently he has begun making the sound too. Sometimes when we kiss he says, "More."
He does his "jabber routines" in various languages. They make no sense but he is able to carry on and then we both giggle at his joking in Russian, Yiddish, Italian, Insane Person.
He will give me a "look" and I will ask, "What?" He will say "What?" in return. We go back and forth maybe some 6 or a dozen times: What? What? What? What? Then we giggle.
When he tries to say something or tell me something and gets frustrated at being unable to do so, all I have to do is say, "I know." And he calms down, trusting that I do understand. Sometimes I do, most of the time I only understand that he is upset and that my sound bite can settle him.
I tell him stories about his, our past and he seems to enjoy them. Sometimes he gets melancholic but usually with a sadness of joy at remembering.
In his world, our life is full. In my world, I am content. Or as I say "STRANGELY CONTENT."
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Ten Tips From Dotty
In this article they used a word I like: The Deeply Forgetful!
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| Dotty Went to Heaven on May 25, 2012 |
Dotty's Ten Tips for Communicating with a Person Living with Dementia
- You know what makes me feel safe, secure, and happy? A smile.
- Did you ever conside this? When you get tense and uptight it makes me feel tense and uptight.
- Instead of getting all bent out of shape when I do something that seems perfectly normal to me, and perfectly nutty to you, why not just smile at me? It will take the edge off the situation all the way around.
- Please try to understand and remember it is my short term memory, my right now memory, that is gone -- don't talk so fast, or use so many words.
- You know what I am going to say if you go off into long winded explanations on why we should do something? I am going to say No, because I can never be certain if you are asking me to do something I like, or drink a bottle of castor oil. So I'll just say No to be safe.
- Slow down. And don't sneak up on me and start talking. Did I tell you I like smiles?
- Make sure you have my attention before you start blabbering away. What is going to happen if you start blabbering away and you don't have my attention, or confuse me? I am going to sayNo - count on it.
- My attention span and ability to pay attention are not as good as they once were, please make eye contact with me before you start talking. A nice smile always gets my attention. Did I mention that before?
- Sometimes you talk to me like I am a child or an idiot. How would you like it if I did that to you? Go to your room and think about this. Don't come back and tell me you are sorry, I won't know what you are talking about. Just stop doing it and we will get along very well, and probably better than you think.
- You talk too much -- instead try taking my hand and leading the way. I need a guide not a person to nag me all the time.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Watching TV
Always more to learn when loving and living with Alzheimer's Disease. I continue to get supportive/ informatve e-mails from the various memory care facilities I visited before having Leiberman be our choice. The topic this one discussed, watching TV, was one which happened to me and now in hindsight I realize that Gregory's upset was his way of telling me he was having trouble following the plot of a TV series he used to love. His reaction surprised me but now I understand.
Certain types of television become harder to track and therefore enjoy as dementia progresses. An activity that should be a pleasurable way to pass time instead can become vexing.
Complicated plots may be too confusing, as earlier developments can't be remembered. Shows with quick cuts and no story line (such asAmerica's Funniest Home Videos or cooking shows) work better.
Slow-paced documentaries or nature shows may also appeal more.
Avoid commercials if you can, because each break in the show presents a whole new story to follow; instead use TiVo-type recordings or movies. (from www.caring.com)
The show we began watching was the third series opener of "Downton Abby." We had watched all the previous episodes and were looking forward to the new season opener. Some fifteen minutes into the new episode Gregory became very vexed, angry, and was acting out. I turned off the TV (at least I knew to do that much) and was able to talk him down. Instead we tuned into "Big Bang Theory" and he was contented again.
I didn't realize what had happened but the lesson learned is that sometimes the person with Alzheimer's does the best they can to communicate their needs with you. One must realize that the WAY they communicating these needs may have nothing to do with the PURPOSE of their communication. It is a guessing game but if you are alert enough, you can win.
Now I have a DVD that Gregory loves to watch on the TV/DVD player in his room. It is a video of beautiful scenes of nature across the seasons, each backed with lovely, appropriate classical music. Now and then an animal enters the scene in its natural habitat. For example: a goat is climbing a mountain during winter while something from Beethoven plays.
Another type of video that not only Gregory, but it looks like every one at Lieberman loves, are the classic early musicals of the 60's and 70's: South Pacific, Flower Drum Song, The Sound of Music, Carrousel, etc. The story line doesn't seem to matter but the individual songs are fun to watch, the people beautiful, and the story for the most part happy. I.E. NO VIOLENCE!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Communication
LIVING WITHOUT AN AGENDA
Could our minds and our hearts be big enough just to hang out in that space where we’re not entirely certain about who’s right and who’s wrong? Could we have no agenda when we walk into a room with another person, not know what to say, not make that person wrong or right? Could we see, hear, feel other people as they really are? It is powerful to practice this way, because we’ll find ourselves continually rushing around to try to feel secure again—to make ourselves or them either right or wrong. But true communication can happen only in that open space.
—The Pocket Pema Chödrönhttp://www.shambhala.com/the-pocket-pema-chodron.html
Could our minds and our hearts be big enough just to hang out in that space where we’re not entirely certain about who’s right and who’s wrong? Could we have no agenda when we walk into a room with another person, not know what to say, not make that person wrong or right? Could we see, hear, feel other people as they really are? It is powerful to practice this way, because we’ll find ourselves continually rushing around to try to feel secure again—to make ourselves or them either right or wrong. But true communication can happen only in that open space.
—The Pocket Pema Chödrönhttp://www.shambhala.com/the-pocket-pema-chodron.html
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Update
Just realized that I haven't given you an update on Gregory in a while. So first that and then to the post which brought me here so late at night.
Gregory continues to do well after a hectic first month arriving at Lieberman. His strength continues to return, he is more and more alert, he is happy and periodically cries for joy.
Communicative - no. Able to walk on his own - no. Able to feed himself - somewhat as prompted and when able to eat finger food.
Since he is still in a wheel chair, and by the time he notices he has to go to the bathroom, it is too late so we have "accidents." But the staff cleans him up quickly. He gets upset at having to "pee or shit himself" but by the time it is done, it isn't a remembered issue.
He has had many visitors and several repeat visitors. He is always happy to see our friends and family, may not remember your name but certainly KNOWS YOU and feels his love for you.
When reminded (which I try to avoid) of his past he gets a little upset: piano. painting, swimming. etc. He still is very much (fortunately) in the moment, doesn't ask why he is at Lieberman and doesn't ask about going home. He doesn't ask about the past or inquire into the future.
I have hired a helper to be with Gregory from 11:30-5:30, five days a week. Our Northwestern companion spends time with him the other two days a week.
I encourage you to visit Gregory if you are so inclined. I will go on the first visit with you (just to fill you in on the details and to help you acclimate) and then you are welcome to go back whenever you want (or we can go together again if you prefer.)
I would ask you to avoid visiting between 11:30 and 12:30 and 4:30 and 5:30 which are meal times. It gets a little overwhelming to have too many people around at that time. If you arrive and he is an an activity you can join the activity or have the helper take you and Gregory to his room for a visit. The helper will give you and Gregory your privacy.
There is candy and cookies in his "kitchen corner." There are beverages in the refrigerator. Help yourself. If you want to offer something to Gregory, first get the helper's help.
If Gregory tries to get out of his wheel chair, encourage him not to. If at any time you are uncomfortable with what is going on, ask for help from his private helper or any of the helpers around.
If you do have any questions or concerns, please feel free to give me a call and ask.
Gregory continues to do well after a hectic first month arriving at Lieberman. His strength continues to return, he is more and more alert, he is happy and periodically cries for joy.
Communicative - no. Able to walk on his own - no. Able to feed himself - somewhat as prompted and when able to eat finger food.
Since he is still in a wheel chair, and by the time he notices he has to go to the bathroom, it is too late so we have "accidents." But the staff cleans him up quickly. He gets upset at having to "pee or shit himself" but by the time it is done, it isn't a remembered issue.
He has had many visitors and several repeat visitors. He is always happy to see our friends and family, may not remember your name but certainly KNOWS YOU and feels his love for you.
When reminded (which I try to avoid) of his past he gets a little upset: piano. painting, swimming. etc. He still is very much (fortunately) in the moment, doesn't ask why he is at Lieberman and doesn't ask about going home. He doesn't ask about the past or inquire into the future.
I have hired a helper to be with Gregory from 11:30-5:30, five days a week. Our Northwestern companion spends time with him the other two days a week.
I encourage you to visit Gregory if you are so inclined. I will go on the first visit with you (just to fill you in on the details and to help you acclimate) and then you are welcome to go back whenever you want (or we can go together again if you prefer.)
I would ask you to avoid visiting between 11:30 and 12:30 and 4:30 and 5:30 which are meal times. It gets a little overwhelming to have too many people around at that time. If you arrive and he is an an activity you can join the activity or have the helper take you and Gregory to his room for a visit. The helper will give you and Gregory your privacy.
There is candy and cookies in his "kitchen corner." There are beverages in the refrigerator. Help yourself. If you want to offer something to Gregory, first get the helper's help.
If Gregory tries to get out of his wheel chair, encourage him not to. If at any time you are uncomfortable with what is going on, ask for help from his private helper or any of the helpers around.
If you do have any questions or concerns, please feel free to give me a call and ask.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Helpless Helping
I must supervise you every time you go to the bathroom. I always tell you to use the bathroom before we go out and I suggest you use it after an hour or two has gone by at home. I visually make sure that you pull down not only your pants but also your underpants. Lately you lower yourself with great uncertainty onto the toilet seat.
I listen for "plots" or "tinkles." When you seem done, I tell you to sit for a while and sure enough you do more. You don't know when you have more to do so the waiting works. I can't ask, "Did you shit?" "Did you pee only?" to tell me what kind of help to give so I either have you "wipe" anyway or ask you to stand up so I can see what in in the toilet bowl.
I verbally go thought the steps with you of taking toilet paper, wiping, tossing into bowl and repeating until clean. I tell you to use a wet wipe next and sometimes have to help you open the box they are stored in. I flush in-between wipes if you are using a lot of paper. Telling you to "Flush" doesn't register and confuses the process so I do it for you.
You are always amazed and sometimes upset when "something is happening down there" as if moving your bowels or urinating is an amazing, unusual event in your life. I used to say something like "taking a dump is good" but have stopped bothering and just say "It's OK. Good job."
You do not know how to use a kleenex to blow your nose but instead use fingers aiming the blow towards the floor. You did OK once I showed the box of tissue but then you did not know where to throw the used tissue. You did not know how to open the garbage can once I showed it to you.
You do not automatically know how to use the knife and fork any longer, and you use your fingers to eat a lot, which I don't mind at all. But now being able to pick up a piece of food in your fingers and biting off a piece is the next skill you are loosing.
You know you want a glass of water, and sometimes can even identify the glass sitting in front of you, but then you stare at it not knowing the next step.
It's hard enough to get you ready to go outside during the winter but even with help putting on your coat, you get your arms all tangled up in the sleeves, untuck the scarf once I have tucked it, stand at such an angle that I have difficulty zipping the coat closed, take your ear muffs off once I have put them on for you, cannot coordinate your fingers and thumb in the correct orientation, as well as closed position to put on your gloves.
When we arrive at our destination and I am helping you take off your coat I unzip the zipper, I tuck your gloves and earmuffs into the coat pockets, I tell you to take off your coat. This causes you to immediately take the gloves and earmuffs out of your pockets.
Fastening and unfastening your seatbelt in the car takes place correctly about fifty percent of the time. One time you got yourself so wrapped up and knotted up in the straps that I didn't know how to get you out. Finally figured it out but had to put you through some contortions. Often you do not know how to open the car door.
About half the time now when you read you forget to put on your glasses and wonder why the reading isn't working. Another half of the time you put on your glasses and wonder why the room is blurry. Sometimes you do OK with your glasses but I have to monitor when they are dirty and clean them for you.
We watch TV together a lot and that is a nice pass time. At times, your responses to my comments make we wonder if you really understand what you are watching and sometimes the responses make me tip my head and wonder if we are watching the same program.
In our day to day conversation (meaning my talking) I'll point out something through the window of the condo or that we are passing while in the car. I can tell by the focus of your eyes that you are not looking at the same thing I am pointing out. Sometimes I try to directed your gaze and you finally register what I was talking about. Other times it just does't work and the experience has passed. I just say, "Never mind." It sound rude but what can I say. Maybe "Oops we missed it."
So even as I help you, I cannot help you and that makes me sad. And the part that probably makes me the saddest is that we cannot talk about what went wrong or about either of our frustrations. And I am sad that sometimes I do not know how to begin to help or what to do to help. And then there are times I am sad that I am sad and that makes you sad.
I still try to show you, or explain the steps as simply as I can, or demonstrate. I touch, I poke, I push, I suggest physically. Most of the time nothing works. Most of the time I feel so helpless especially as your needs continue to increase and mystify. And most of the time I feel sad.
I listen for "plots" or "tinkles." When you seem done, I tell you to sit for a while and sure enough you do more. You don't know when you have more to do so the waiting works. I can't ask, "Did you shit?" "Did you pee only?" to tell me what kind of help to give so I either have you "wipe" anyway or ask you to stand up so I can see what in in the toilet bowl.
I verbally go thought the steps with you of taking toilet paper, wiping, tossing into bowl and repeating until clean. I tell you to use a wet wipe next and sometimes have to help you open the box they are stored in. I flush in-between wipes if you are using a lot of paper. Telling you to "Flush" doesn't register and confuses the process so I do it for you.
You are always amazed and sometimes upset when "something is happening down there" as if moving your bowels or urinating is an amazing, unusual event in your life. I used to say something like "taking a dump is good" but have stopped bothering and just say "It's OK. Good job."
You do not know how to use a kleenex to blow your nose but instead use fingers aiming the blow towards the floor. You did OK once I showed the box of tissue but then you did not know where to throw the used tissue. You did not know how to open the garbage can once I showed it to you.
You do not automatically know how to use the knife and fork any longer, and you use your fingers to eat a lot, which I don't mind at all. But now being able to pick up a piece of food in your fingers and biting off a piece is the next skill you are loosing.
You know you want a glass of water, and sometimes can even identify the glass sitting in front of you, but then you stare at it not knowing the next step.
It's hard enough to get you ready to go outside during the winter but even with help putting on your coat, you get your arms all tangled up in the sleeves, untuck the scarf once I have tucked it, stand at such an angle that I have difficulty zipping the coat closed, take your ear muffs off once I have put them on for you, cannot coordinate your fingers and thumb in the correct orientation, as well as closed position to put on your gloves.
When we arrive at our destination and I am helping you take off your coat I unzip the zipper, I tuck your gloves and earmuffs into the coat pockets, I tell you to take off your coat. This causes you to immediately take the gloves and earmuffs out of your pockets.
Fastening and unfastening your seatbelt in the car takes place correctly about fifty percent of the time. One time you got yourself so wrapped up and knotted up in the straps that I didn't know how to get you out. Finally figured it out but had to put you through some contortions. Often you do not know how to open the car door.
About half the time now when you read you forget to put on your glasses and wonder why the reading isn't working. Another half of the time you put on your glasses and wonder why the room is blurry. Sometimes you do OK with your glasses but I have to monitor when they are dirty and clean them for you.
We watch TV together a lot and that is a nice pass time. At times, your responses to my comments make we wonder if you really understand what you are watching and sometimes the responses make me tip my head and wonder if we are watching the same program.
In our day to day conversation (meaning my talking) I'll point out something through the window of the condo or that we are passing while in the car. I can tell by the focus of your eyes that you are not looking at the same thing I am pointing out. Sometimes I try to directed your gaze and you finally register what I was talking about. Other times it just does't work and the experience has passed. I just say, "Never mind." It sound rude but what can I say. Maybe "Oops we missed it."
So even as I help you, I cannot help you and that makes me sad. And the part that probably makes me the saddest is that we cannot talk about what went wrong or about either of our frustrations. And I am sad that sometimes I do not know how to begin to help or what to do to help. And then there are times I am sad that I am sad and that makes you sad.
I still try to show you, or explain the steps as simply as I can, or demonstrate. I touch, I poke, I push, I suggest physically. Most of the time nothing works. Most of the time I feel so helpless especially as your needs continue to increase and mystify. And most of the time I feel sad.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
E-Mail Communications
In response to the last post our niece asked:
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2013/11/e-mail-to-friend.html
C
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2013/11/e-mail-to-friend.html
I replied:Do you think there is a breaking point? Is that the point when he doesn’t know you anymore? Will that make it “easier” to make tough decisions? Man I feel for you.XO
C
Yes, a definite breaking point will probably arrive. Do not know for sure when that will be. If I were to become ill or incapacitated myself would be one. G's not being aware would be another. G's incontinence will probably figure in there somewhere. My physical inability to lift and care for him would be another, whether his physical needs increase or I get too old to push and pull.
Steps before the breaking point and needing a memory care facility? My continuing to grow and understand how to work with him. My continuing to love myself. Continuing with my creative outlets. Continuing to take time for myself when G is with his companion. Possibly adding to the hours that a companion is with us. At some point needing a better trained companion. Buying the condo next door and having live-in help.
Steps before the breaking point and needing a memory care facility? My continuing to grow and understand how to work with him. My continuing to love myself. Continuing with my creative outlets. Continuing to take time for myself when G is with his companion. Possibly adding to the hours that a companion is with us. At some point needing a better trained companion. Buying the condo next door and having live-in help.
You know how you didn't want to mention TP so as not to add to my burden (and I chastised you and said I'll let you know when it is too much:-), sometimes I feel like I add to your burden by sending my depressing (and sometimes but seemingly less often uplifting and loving) missives your way so often. You do not always have to read them all and/or comment. I know that both of you are there for us.
That's why You Love Us More,
m
On Nov 13, 2013, at 12:28 PM, Colleen Maire wrote:
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Sunday September 15th: So Far A Day Much Like Any Other Day
I would say that in normal conversation, Gregory is missing approximately 80-90% of his language word associations. "Close the DOOR." "Turn off the LIGHT." etc no longer work. "Your newspaper is on your TABLE." ... "on your TABLE." He headed to the front door.
Memory is another thing.
He asked if the pile of clothing on the bench (where I put his underwear and sweats every morning) were mine or his. When I explained that they were his clothes, in the same place every morning, he began getting dressed.
He proceeded to forget the underpants. On being prompted to put them on first, he did not know how to get into them ... beginning with backwards ... followed quickly by both legs in one hole. With help, he figured out what to do.
Sweat pants went on backwards. With help, he figured out what to do.
For the first in a long time he got on his undershirt and sweat shirt correctly the first time.
If he had to name any of these foreign objects, he would not be able to.
He is currently reading his NEWSPAPER at his TABLE wearing his UNDERPANTS, UNDERSHIRT, SWEATPANTS, and SWEATSHIRT.
Lord (if one exists) only knows the comprehension level of his newspaper reading. He cannot answer any questions about it and cannot share any of what he read. Now and then he will bring the paper to me to show me a picture.
I am currently writing this BLOG, flumoxed although calm. The cats are chasing each other around the condo. Our day has begun.
Memory is another thing.
He asked if the pile of clothing on the bench (where I put his underwear and sweats every morning) were mine or his. When I explained that they were his clothes, in the same place every morning, he began getting dressed.
He proceeded to forget the underpants. On being prompted to put them on first, he did not know how to get into them ... beginning with backwards ... followed quickly by both legs in one hole. With help, he figured out what to do.
Sweat pants went on backwards. With help, he figured out what to do.
For the first in a long time he got on his undershirt and sweat shirt correctly the first time.
If he had to name any of these foreign objects, he would not be able to.
He is currently reading his NEWSPAPER at his TABLE wearing his UNDERPANTS, UNDERSHIRT, SWEATPANTS, and SWEATSHIRT.
Lord (if one exists) only knows the comprehension level of his newspaper reading. He cannot answer any questions about it and cannot share any of what he read. Now and then he will bring the paper to me to show me a picture.
I am currently writing this BLOG, flumoxed although calm. The cats are chasing each other around the condo. Our day has begun.
Friday, August 23, 2013
The following is an e-mail to Gregory's new companion. We are excited about his joining us and are hopeful that it will work well. In the beginning, the key to success is lots of communication between me (the employer) and the companion about what to expect as well as how things go when with Gregory (the client.)
A
A
Enjoyed dinner with you last night.
In the beginning you and I will be communicating a lot about how to work with Gregory. As I mentioned it is important not to talk or whisper behind his back. I mentioned that in the beginning after each time you are with Gregory, I'll walk you to the elevator "to get the mail" and we can check in about how the day went. You should feel free to ask questions and I will fee free to inform and comment. Also feel free to e-mail me afterwards.
You can text me when with Gregory and if I do not respond within a reasonable amount of time please follow up with a call. Sometimes I do not hear the text "ding."
Not knowing how to handle a situation isn't as important as discussing how it might have gone.
Primary is Gregory's safety followed closely at hand by his happiness/contentedness and all done with respect. I know you understand that but want to mention it again.
Things you can do include:
going for a walk in the neighborhood, on campus, to the lake. You need to keep an eye on how he is holding up, especially in hot weather, as he is not able to monitor that for himself. There are small metal water containers in the refrigeragtor with a belt hook. Please make sure he takes one when you go for a walk (and also that he doesn't put it down accidentally on a bench and leave it behind. Those buggers are expensive.
browsing Barnes and Nobel.
5:00 coffee and cookies are a must. (I'll show you how to use the coffee machine.)
going to Starbucks for his 5:00 coffee.
swimming downstair as LA fitness. (I'll walk you through this.)
working together on a LEGO building or on a jig saw puzzle.
looking through books/magazines (by himself or sharing them with you.)
listening to music. (I'll teach you i-tunes)
sitting on the balcony or going down to the roof top garden.
whatever he wants to do by himself.
take a nap (you can also!)
watch TV or a DVD
any other ideas you may have (be spontaneous or check with me.)
NOT OUT OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD
You do not have to occupy his every moment and should feel free to work on your own stuff now and then. I'll give you the wifi password so you can get online. Just quiet time together can be wonderful.
Ask now and then "Do you have to use the bathroom?" especially when you are about to go out for a walk.
When you look through books or discuss buildings you probably know by now that he is not too good with language. The ideas and knowledge are all there in his head but he cannot get the words and/or associations out for proper communication.
One idea is that you can comment on what you see and he can confirm. Be careful asking too many questions because he cannot process or communicate and that may lead to frustration. I find that our best days are ones that are somewhat zen, just being one with our environment and place. I'll comment and tell my stories AS WELL AS his.
I'll let you know when we are ready for a cooking adventure with you and G shopping and preparing dinner. First I'll "walk you around" the kitchen and show you where things are.
Not sure if you'll encounter this but if he becomes concerned about something you might say something like, "We'll talk to Michael about this later." or "I'll check with Michael." or "I am sure it will all work out." I have found that white lies, distraction, and redirection also help.
I am sure there will be more later 😄
m
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Parenthesis
parenthesis |pəˈrenTHəsis|noun ( pl. parentheses |-ˌsēz| ) a word, clause, or sentence inserted as an explanation or afterthought into a passage that is grammatically complete without it, in writing usually marked off by curved brackets, dashes, or commas.
Gregory has become a parenthesis.
Several years ago, when Aaron (a doctoral candidate to whom we were introduced by our massage therapist Sarah, and whose research we became part of) got to know us, he commented that he was impressed that we still functioned as a "couple." That we were in a relationship that still functioned even though Gregory's Alzheimer's was slowly changing the face of that relationship.
More accurately, I guess that I would say we functioned with RESPECT for each other. Even though I was "in charge," handled all of our finances, made all of our decisions, took care of all the details, etc; I tried to make sure that Gregory was part of and informed of all the things I was doing. Gregory in turn deferred to me and accepted, with faith in me, my new role.
Slowly, however, he needs to be less part of the decision making process. For example in the beginning he would decide what to order from the menu when we ate out. When he couldn't decide what to order, I began to offer suggestions off the menu. Eventually I narrowed it down to: "Do you want beef or chicken?" Now I just order for him. He is always pleased with my selections and often will reply with, "Oh goodie. This looks really good."
At this point in our relationship, I make all of the decisions in our life. I let Gregory know about activities the day before and again on the day of, but usually do not go into much detail or give too much advance notice because he only forgets or gets agitated about not being able to remember what I told him. This leads to a usually failed guessing game on my part.
I often do not ask his advice because even if he has some, he is unable to communicate it. Now-a-days it sounds more like this. Instead of "What color do you think we should paint the hall?" it is "I was thinking of paining the hall the same shade of white." He will agree. Instead of "When do you want to go visit your family?" it comes out "I think we will go to Michigan to visit your family soon." He will agree. Instead of "Do you want to go to the movies?" it is "We are going to see Batman."
I still work hard at treating Gregory with respect but the face of it has changed. Here is something I just recently noticed. In the past, I would sign a letter, or birthday card, or e-mail: Love, Gregory and Michael. Based on social convention, the person doing the writing always puts their name last.
Then I began to sign them: Michael and Gregory. Now I have begun to sign some of them: Michael (and Gregory.) I guess I have moved to this format to show that it is a communication from me, not necessary discussed with or part of a decision with Gregory. If I know that Gregory would also send love or a greeting if he could, I leave out the parenthesis: Michael and Gregory.
I often do not ask his advice because even if he has some, he is unable to communicate it. Now-a-days it sounds more like this. Instead of "What color do you think we should paint the hall?" it is "I was thinking of paining the hall the same shade of white." He will agree. Instead of "When do you want to go visit your family?" it comes out "I think we will go to Michigan to visit your family soon." He will agree. Instead of "Do you want to go to the movies?" it is "We are going to see Batman."
I still work hard at treating Gregory with respect but the face of it has changed. Here is something I just recently noticed. In the past, I would sign a letter, or birthday card, or e-mail: Love, Gregory and Michael. Based on social convention, the person doing the writing always puts their name last.
Then I began to sign them: Michael and Gregory. Now I have begun to sign some of them: Michael (and Gregory.) I guess I have moved to this format to show that it is a communication from me, not necessary discussed with or part of a decision with Gregory. If I know that Gregory would also send love or a greeting if he could, I leave out the parenthesis: Michael and Gregory.
Interesting. It seems that Gregory has become a parenthesis, inserted as an explanation or afterthought into a passage that is grammatically complete without it. A somewhat fitting description of what our relationship has become.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
The links on this weekly quote are not working but if you want to know more about Pema Chödrön go to http://pemachodronfoundation.org
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Life on the Outside Looking In
Ken, companion, took Gregory swimming. When they returned, Ken helped Gregory get changed from swimming. "First you need to hang up your swim suit." This brought a confused look to Gregory's face. "Your suit is wet, you need to hang it up to dry." No response. "Hang your swim suit up in your bathroom."
Finally a response from Gregory, "My bathroom."
"Yes, your bathroom." No response or acknowledgement from Gregory. "Your bathroom where Michael is right now." No response. "Here, let me show you."
"My bathroom?"
"Yes, your bathroom, here where Michael is standing and laughing."
Gregory was not offended by my laughing as I commented, "You must be exhausted from your swimming" to which Gregory agreed. Ken took the swim suit from Gregory and hung it over the shower door saying, "See, here. Hang your suit in your bathroom."
Ken, as usual, was very calm and not negatively or emotionally involved with the activity.
The reason I was laughing is multi-fold. First I was able to see from a non-emotionally involved point of view how silly the interaction seemed and how amazing the manifestation of Alzheimer's can be.
Next, I was interested that I could be peripherally involved but not have the frustration that usually comes with these types of interactions. It felt good to be OK with the situation.
Finally, I was pleased (does this make me bad) that someone else could see so explicitly and directly what I go through SO MANY times a day.
Finally a response from Gregory, "My bathroom."
"Yes, your bathroom." No response or acknowledgement from Gregory. "Your bathroom where Michael is right now." No response. "Here, let me show you."
"My bathroom?"
"Yes, your bathroom, here where Michael is standing and laughing."
Gregory was not offended by my laughing as I commented, "You must be exhausted from your swimming" to which Gregory agreed. Ken took the swim suit from Gregory and hung it over the shower door saying, "See, here. Hang your suit in your bathroom."
Ken, as usual, was very calm and not negatively or emotionally involved with the activity.
The reason I was laughing is multi-fold. First I was able to see from a non-emotionally involved point of view how silly the interaction seemed and how amazing the manifestation of Alzheimer's can be.
Next, I was interested that I could be peripherally involved but not have the frustration that usually comes with these types of interactions. It felt good to be OK with the situation.
Finally, I was pleased (does this make me bad) that someone else could see so explicitly and directly what I go through SO MANY times a day.
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