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Gregory had a great day painting after two weeks of not being there. I didn't mean to be mysterious when we arrived but I didn't know how to respond to "How are you?" Simple question but no good answers. Lately I have been very sad, more lonely, and even with all my creative endeavors ... bored with life. Day by day G has more difficulties with more things. I am not sure that there is anything he can do consistently on his own anymore.

Maybe it will make me feel better if I "unload" a little but also wanted to bring to up to date on who Gregory is now a days besides the handsome, loving, kind, good, person he has always been.

He can barely get himself dressed and undressed and soon I will probably have to take that over totally for him. About 50% of the time he needs a reminder about how to brush his teeth. Showering works if only because he does so when he goes swimming with the companion so I don't have to deal with that.

Bath-rooming gets more and more confusing for him. At least he recognizes the urge but sometimes it takes a "Do you need to go to the bathroom?" from me when he is pacing around the bedroom while I am working at my computer. He needs coaching with cleaning up after a bowel movement. (Sorry for the bluntness.)

Reading at night is almost out of the question. If he does't loose his place in the book he seems to get hung up on one page not realizing that he needs to turn to the next page to continue reading. He "pours" over his newspaper each morning but I am not sure if or what he gets out of it comprehension wise.

Theater, opera, events etc are getting more difficult for me to navigate for him. Eating out is difficult. Bath-rooming at events is difficult. Timing is difficult. Falling asleep during the performance is somewhat problematic. Not sure if he is able to follow the story, also not too problematic but it means we cannot discuss the event afterwards.

Watching him eat is painful so dinnertime is not a fun-time. He is confused by what is on his plate, how to eat it, how to cut it. He uses his fingers mostly (OK by me) but I may have to begin cutting his food. He cannot help with prep or cleanup so I do it all.

He is not at all available to me emotionally, intellectually, sexually. He cannot communicate except by showing up where I am and looking confused and stumbling over words. Sometimes he will beckon and say, "I can show you." But then he cannot explain when I go with him. I do all the talking all of the time. I do not think he has spoken a logical, comprehendible, complete sentence is months (maybe years?)

When I am with friends I have to remind myself not to talk all the time to fill space, not be in charge all the time, not make all the decisions, not monitor everyone's behavior!

I continue to give up more of who I am and what I do so I can be available to help and entertain and feed and dress and maintain him 24/7/365. Sleeping is relatively OK but he is up and down during the night so I sleep lightly to be there for him. (And now and then the cats get crazy and keep me up a good part of the night.) Luckily he is sleeping longer and more and I can take naps. I have an alarm on the bedroom door so he does't wander during the night if I do sleep deeply, there is one on the closet in case he looks for the bathroom in the wrong place, there is one of the front door in case I want to nap during the day.

For now he knows that he doesn't cook, make his own coffee,  do the laundry, take out the garbage, drive, use the garbage disposal, help himself to snacks, prepare meals, clean up after meals, put dishes in the dish washer or put them away when clean. This makes it a little easier for me but that means I DO IT ALL. If he did try to do these kind of things he would most likely mess them up and cause me more problems. Or he would break things. Or he would loose things. Or he would hurt himself. 

With the door alarms, and the fact that I can "lock" most of the kitchen appliances my life is a little easier but sometimes I worry that he will FORGET that he doesn't REMEMBER. Any day he might think he can still cook. Or drive. Of course that wouldn't happen because he couldn't find the car or the keys but I still wonder when that day will come.

I will close with my stock description of our life right now: Gregory is happy, content, enjoys his life, is and feels safe with me. And I cope (although sometimes this takes more energy than I have.) And it only will get worse. I probably haven't seen anything! And I die.

P.S. You are one bright spot in his, my, our life!

Love ya,

Michael