God Bless The Bookmark

Today's DailyOm Horoscope:

There are certain events that have such an impact on our lives that we may begin to build our identities around them. Though it may give us a sense of purpose or the feeling that we are somehow special, it also keeps us tied to that event energetically. This means that the energy available to us for facing life today is diminished and also filtered through the experience of our past. But when we can look at these experiences, learn from them, and release them, we can take the energy that was invested in their care and keeping and channel it into the present moment. If we look at life right now without thinking of it in terms of the past or the future, we can find much to be thankful for. By gaining insight into your interior life today, you have more energy to enjoy the present.

Yes, I have built my new identity around Gregory for the last 20 months as his secondary caregiver, health care advocate, grocery and treat supplier, and his almost daily visitor. I am happy to spend OUR money on blessing him with Manny to care for his needs and for having piece of mind knowing Gregory is in good hands without my having to be by his side 24/7/365.

I still think of the condo as ours, and the car as ours, and my money and investments as ours. I still bake a fruit pie now and then, or bring Gregory fresh fruit when in season, or get excited when I find a new form of dark chocolate for him. I still shop for his clothes and drug store needs. I continue to decorate and fine tune his room and make sure there are always fresh flowers on his desk.

I continue to be involved in the Lieberman Center as observer, supporter, and contributor to the milieu that provides for so many like Gregory. On a daily basis my interactions with the residents and staff bring me joy. On a larger basis, I continue to think creatively about how Lieberman can provide better services to everyone who walks through the revolving door at 9700 Gross Pointe Road.

Also, there is time for my writing, my collecting, my family and friends, living in beautiful downtown Evanston, a little travel, enjoying the condo, enjoying my girls (cats Emma and Gigi,) shopping, and working on my creative projects to which there is no end.

So my life right now is Ying and Yang, Black and White, Push and Pull, Opposites and Sames. I am tied to the past and in some ways feel my current life is diminished, on hold, at a standstill. I wonder "Who am I?" and "What do I want?" I am seventy years old and how will I spend the rest of my life? 

On the other hand what price love? Gregory is still such an important part of my life even in his diminished state. I am committed to being here for him and to helping his life be as good as it possibly can be given the situation.

On the third hand, somehow I am still able to be myself and pursue my own interests, directions, ideas, projects.

So if I look at life right now without thinking of it in terms of the past or the future, I can find much to be thankful for. By gaining insight into my interior life today, I have more energy to enjoy the present. So my energies are not wasted, they are just going to be different for a while. Once Gregory has "gone home" I can begin the next chapter but meanwhile, God Bless the Book Mark!

A Letter To A Friend

S,

I appreciate your comments. I have never entertained the possibility that we get fewer invites. We always enjoy seeing you and being with you (and your and M's making it easier to see B.) As we discussed gearing down G's yearly birthday July 4th party, I certainly understand "little time and less money and energy." 

Our life has become more narrow. We do enjoy our opera, legitimate theater, musicals, NETFLIX, and the movies. I enjoy cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. Having people in now and then is still fun but getting harder. Being with people becomes a little more difficult partly because of Gregory, partly because of the extra energy I have to spend to monitor and provide for G, tell my stories and his, etc.

I am definitely feeling a little older and a little more tired but not to the point that I am "in trouble." Also, when he has had a difficult day and/or I am feeling down it is hard to be with people and keep up the positive front and the running commentary. Being home and alone and quiet works well. We depend on listening to music a lot to disguise the fact that we no longer can have two sided conversations but also because we enjoy the music. It has a calming effect on both of us.

Current changes, for which I am still trying to figure out how to compensate, is his not knowing how a book works, so no bed time reading; increased difficulty dealing with too many items on his dinner plate; perseveration in some minor annoying behaviors; continued loss of even more common word associations;  needing more of my attention as his "Bowel Coach." I'll not go into detail about the later.

Yesterday I fixed G his five o'clock coffee and cookies, placing both on the counter and showing him. He took the cookies to his desk, ate them. Later when I was preparing dinner I saw that he left the coffee behind on the counter, not even realizing there was no coffee with his coffee and cookies. 

Your offer to "be there" and in effect your "being there" is generous and gracious and in itself makes my life nicer/easier. Right now that is about all you can do and should consider it well received. 

I do like the idea of Gregory and I picking you up and driving downtown to a hot dog and movie show with B. The new companion should make it easier so I can get away and have some time to myself and allow me to run errands without having to bring Gregory along all the time. 

Soon. Love to M.

m