This Evening at Lieberman

When I arrived, Gregory was already at dinner. When he saw me, without the usual delay in focusing time he loudly said, "Oh, so you did come!" He was very pleased to see me then cried the requisite "Tears of Joy." He was very present, in a good mood, and ate what seemed like a triple portion of spaghetti and meat sauce, green beans, and mandarin oranges for dessert.

Batia, one of Gregory's table mates was complaining to me that the chair (wheel chair) was not cooperating. It was as if someone had "pulled out the bottom and I can't make heads or tails of it." I tried to help her sit further back in the chair but to no avail. I folded up four or five cloth napkin/bibs to make a sort of back support. She cooperatively leaned forward and I placed the "pillow." I asked how that felt and she said it did some good but not enough. I went back to Gregory's room and grabbed one of his extra pillows, brought it into the dining room and placed it behind Batia's back. "Much better," she told me, "Where did you get your training?"

Martha was having trouble using her arthritic hands to maneuver her fork around the long strands of spaghetti. I offered to help and this time she accepted. I cut the strands into smaller pieces, mixed them with the meat sauce, and asked her to try. She was able to scoop up a mouthful and seemed grateful. To distract from the situation and to soften her need for help, I stated, "You know I was a waiter many years ago." "Oh," said Martha, "That makes sense." A bit later when she was eating her oranges, I asked her what her favorite fruit was. She thought for a moment, giggled, and said, "I am so old and tired that I do not have a favorite!"

Haroon was sitting at a table just behind us. I gave him my usual smile, head nod, and a whispered "Hello." "F U C K   Y O U ! ! !" was his usual response. I smiled and said, "Thank you."

Evening Get Together

When you first get off the elevator at the fifth floor, you enter the main living room area of the memory care unit although it is somewhat more institutional than it is home living room. It is also known as the "Music Area" in which one CD or another is usually playing, classical, Frank Sinatra, etc. A very calming area.

After dinner the other night; Gregory, Manny, and I were joined by Gerrie and her son and son-in-law Howard and Robert as we sat in a circle in the living room. With music playing softly in the background, those of us who could carry on a conversation did and the others enjoyed being part of the group.

I noticed at Ben and Edward were hanging out around the corner listening in on our discussion. I invited them to join us which they silently did. Ben sits in a baby stroller type PVC pipe construction that enables him to walk around the unit. Edward, formerly a doctor, uses a wheel chair and "kick walks" himself around.

So picture this, here is a group of 8 people sitting around in the "living room" after dinner having a friendly conversation. If you can stay in the moment and see through their eyes, a good time was had by all. What a strong sense of community!

Dinner and Conversation

Manny and Greg and Michael had dinner at Lieberman cooked by Alaksh: Butter Chicken and Paneer Korma over rice. Yummmmy.

Manny, Gregory, and Alaksh

Butter Chicken

Paneer Korma

We had dinner on the second floor in a small classroom. It was fun sitting around the table eating together. Gregory enjoyed it very much. His room is too small for such a party and the dining room only allows Kosher food. The only thing were were lacking was a table cloth and a few flowers in a vase. 

Alaksh is planning on cooking again next week. I'll provide the table cloth and flowers and a picture of Gregory's and my moms. Happy Mother's Day it will be.

After dinner we sat in the main space of the fifth floor, the music center, and visited with the four of us, Gerrie and her son and son-in-law and a friend of their's visiting from Florida. Later two male residents (there are not many males) joined the conversation. They didn't add much but had been sitting on the periphery listening so we invited them to join us. 

Dorothy walked by and "blew" us her greetings as she plowed down the hallway, walker to the wind.

Sad part was greeting Marvin (husband) who told us his wife (resident) Betty wasn't doing too well. She was having trouble breathing and couldn't eat any more so they've started Hospice.

Funny (and sad) how the Lieberman Fifth Floor community continues to grow on us.

The Lieberman Community

Slowly I have gotten to know the children and partners of the residents on Gregory's floor. None are as young, none are gay. So while we all have a lot in common, my story continues to be somewhat unique.

GS sits at Gregory's table. She is newly arrived at Lieberman from a home in Florida. Her son H and I met and have been corresponding via e-mail. Not to come out on his behalf but lets just say that we have a lot in common. 

H,

Nice to see your e-mail waiting for me. Turns out that Gregory and I will be going to the April 14th Seder at Lieberman because I am already booked by a "condo friend" for the 15th. Sorry we will not be able to have the "whole table" of friends together. Maybe next time? 

I checked out your websites. Interesting combination: Steel drums for a living, pottery ones for a passion! Would be interesting to hear more.

I have a friend who has been taking classes at Lil for several years, has a potter husband, attends shows all over the country with him, and runs a small pottery shop in New Carlisle, Indiana called "The Potter's Wife." Her husband's site is www.blacktreestudio.com She was the VP of Exhibits when I was involved with the installation of "Michael's Museum: A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures" as a permanent exhibit at Chicago Children's Museum. Also, another close potter friend is Kaye Yourist http://www.youristpottery.com in Ann Arbor.

See you in the halls,
Michael

FOLLOW UP E-MAIL

H,

Hi. Good to hear back from you so quickly. Just finished watching "Daniel's Room."

http://www.ushmm.org/information/exhibitions/museum-exhibitions/remember-the-children-daniels-story/video Beautifully presented. If you got to http://www.michaelsmuseum.org, you know my fondness for museum presentations of life. Daniel's Room was quite well done. I find that I am too much of a "sponge" to be able to go to Holocaust Museums (one is Skokie as well) or watch movies about it. I certainly am a strong person, as witnessed by the last ten years supporting my disappearing love, but I know when I will be overwhelmed and therefore need to protect myself. Self survival I guess.

Sorry too that we will not be able to be at the Seder all together. I will see you "in the halls" as I never know when I will be there. Gregory's room is 574, I think in wing A? I have Manny with Gregory five days from 11:30-5:30 which provides an active day for him as well as helps make meals more easily spent. Alaksh, a Northwestern Student who has been a companion to Gregory for the last year, covers Thursday dinners and Saturdays. Having this extra help makes it a little easier for me to continue to live my own life knowing someone is with Gregory, especially since he still seems to know the difference. He has not yet slipped into his own world completely away from me but I know the day will come. So I get to visit him almost every day for an hour or two or three and then can leave knowing he is being taken care of not only by the great staff at Lieberman but also the extra help.

I have kept myself busy, as you saw on my site, and I think that has helped keep me sane. For most of the last ten years Gregory was as much a part of my activities as he could be but I did work at maintaining a personal life as well. I enjoy being with him because I love him, not to assuage any guilt or to make amends. I think all children, eventually have to come to grips with their relationship with a parent, but loosing one's soul mate, best friend, lover, fuck buddy, etc is like having a large part of your soul ripped away. It gets very lonely when the only one who really understands you and can "make it all right" no longer is available to you. But my heart is light as I watch through Gregory's eyes. He continues to be happy, calm, safe, and content. That is what allows me to continue to live my life. 

Not to pick on your words so please do not fret, but Gregory is STILL a sweetheart, just at a lower functioning level. I call him my "petulant seven year old" and enjoy when he jokes, or gets stubborn or closes his eyes and mouth when he is finished eating. He still kisses me, pets my head when I help his arm up to that level, and we often cry together as well as get the giggles. I never thought our later life would be like this and of course I wish I could make it all go away, but I cannot. So I make the best of it and both Gregory (we used to talk about his when he was still able to compose his thoughts) and I continue to consider ourselves blessed with supportive family and friends, not too many financial worries, and the continued ability to love and be loved.

Talk soon,

Michael

Michael Horvich
mahwww@me.com

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On Mar 31, 2014, at 1:40 PM, Howard Skolnik <howard@skolnik.com> wrote:

Hi Michael,

 

Thanks for the lovely email. Sorry that we cannot share the Seder together, having a support group makes the experience more enjoyable. Even though my mother will not be aware of the event, I believe that being with her will be more about my wanting to make her feel loved. To quote Ruth, being at Lieberman gives us the opportunity to “heal some wounds,” and I am certainly enjoying having her back in Chicago.

 

I don’t know either of your potter friends, Skinner or Yourist, however, I rarely know anyone’s name, I usually recognize their work. Robert and I call ourselves “gentlemen potters” as we enroll in classes constantly so that we have access to the glazes and kilns. We’ve been together at Lillstreet for more than 12 years, and I go back more than 25 years there. It’s a good place.

 

I don’t know your livelihood but I did check out your web site and I see you are a man of many interests and passions. Could spend hours going from link to link. Suffice to say, I think we’d enjoy an evening of conversation….or 2 or 3.

Did you ever get to visit Daniel’s Room at the Holocaust Museum in DC? Of all the exhibits, that was the one that brought me to tears. Many adults never visit it.

 

Do you have a visiting pattern for getting to Lieberman? Would be nice to catch some time together. I usually run up there on Sat mornings and then Sunday afternoons. This week, Mom may move to another room so I might be there to move her in. Her current room is dark and small. She will be moving to 514C. Where is Greg? Batia is in D.

 

Good to connect here, and in Skokie. I always say hi to Greg and offer some conversation. He must have been a sweetheart.

 

Cheers!

 

Howard

 

 

 

From: mahwww [mailto:mahwww@me.com]
Sent: Monday, March 31, 2014 12:50 PM
To: Howard Skolnik
Subject: Re: Passover at Lieberman

 

To Sing Your Song

• Saw this on Facebook and thought it held a beautiful sentiment. 
• http://thegodmolecule.tumblr.com

• There is a tribe in Africa where the birth date of a child is counted not from when they were born, nor from when they are conceived but from the day that the child was a thought in its mother’s mind. And when a woman decides that she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree, by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come. And after she’s heard the song of this child, she comes back to the man who will be the child’s father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love to physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it.

And then, when the mother is pregnant, the mother teaches that child’s song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the old women and the people around her sing the child’s song to welcome it. And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child’s song. If the child falls, or hurts its knee, someone picks it up and sings its song to it. Or perhaps the child does something wonderful, or goes through the rites of puberty, then as a way of honoring this person, the people of the village sing his or her song.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them

The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

And it goes this way through their life. In marriage, the songs are sung, together. And finally, when this child is lying in bed, ready to die, all the villagers know his or her song, and they sing—for the last time—the song to that person.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home