Yoga for Loss and Grieving: Session 4 - Never Agains!

Missed last week's session 3. This week we worked on "Practice Intention" which was setting an intention for what might come out of today's session and "Life Long Desire," a more over time, life-long intention that we would like to consider.

For my "Intention," I set "Self-Forgiveness." Self-forgiveness for those times I didn't really understand what Gregory was going through as the effects of his Alzheimer's/ Dementia progressed. Self-Forgiveness for those times I could have done a better job if I was more aware of exactly it was that he was experiencing. Even though I did the best I could at the time, and even though I did a pretty terrific job, there is some grieving at not having been a better support to him, of getting angry with him, and at times of being downright mean to him!

While I have been beating myself up a little less as time has passed since Gregory died, I still wish I could have been better and obviously there is no way to go back in time to redo my behavior. I know that Gregory always forgave me and I was always able to quickly apologize; still the feelings and emotions linger of not ever again being able to make it right! That is one of the irrational side effects of death: the NEVER AGAIN syndrome!

For my "Life Long Desire," I set the idea of wondering what the rest of my life would be like and how I could spend it doing good for others.

Following the setting of the "Intention" and the "Desire" we let them drift into the background, as we continued our Yoga Nidra practice, knowing that we had acknowledged them but did not need to do anything about them or work on them. Just having noted them was enough for now.

Next, we visited our "Internal Resource" place, that place we can go to anytime we need to seek peace and comfort and safety. This time Gregory was not in bed but was waiting to greet me by the door. We hugged with great love and joy in a way that we had not hugged for a long long time due to his being in a wheelchair for over a year during his time at Lieberman. I wanted it to be real so it was, for a few moments real.

Again, like last session, while being in my Internal Resource place was beautiful, if was emotionally overwhelming. The realization was that hugging Gregory could only exist here, in my Internal Resource now and only in my imagination made me very sad (although I fancied that I was really hugging him and if I deemed it so, it was so!) Once again death waved the NEVER AGAIN flag. Hugging Gregory could exist in my memory but never again in real life. Somehow I will have to come to grips with this being enough for me.

I realized that while often I am happy and enjoying my new life without Gregory, the shadow of sadness still strongly fades every bright color that shines through the clouds. I cried silently so as not to disturb the other students or instructor in the class.

Slowly I drifted back to the rest of the practice with its breathing, its being aware of my body in relation to the floor and the air and the room. Slowly I returned to the calmness and peacefulness of the practice and for the time being left my sorrow behind. When it was time to slowly come back to reality, back to my body, back to the room with the other students, the tears flowed again but I gathered myself together, put my pillows and blankets and chair back in the store room, wished Corrine a "Thank You" and came home to write this post.

While I believe that I gained much from the session, I am aware that I am feeling somewhat numb and spent. I hope I will sleep well tonight.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 4 & 5

Just to keep track, I skipped Practice 4 because I was ill.

Practice 5 presented an interesting shift for me in several ways.

1) Previously, a day or two before our meeting, I would think about possible Intentions and Heartfelt Desires. This time, I decided to wait and see what "arrived" as I was settling in and getting into the meditation.

2) Another thing that I am more aware of is a "spiraling" of lessons with each new appearance bringing a deeper, more coherent understanding of the idea, emotion, experience, etc that presents itself.

3) During the period of my deepest calm, I became aware of what I would describe as Black (visually) but more An Absence (emotionally & intellectually.) Things would come and go without disrupting my meditation.

At one point a man showed up, I acknowledged him and continued my meditation without needing to know who he was, or what he wanted, or what he represented.

Another time a beautiful, sweet, pink fondant ribbon swirled in my Black, maybe because it was also my birthday and I was thinking of cake but it didn't matter I continued my meditation.

4) At times one needs to pause and enter the moment as it presents itself for lessons to be learned, but other options include setting it aside to deal with at a later time, or deciding that it is not important to deal with the distraction at all and recognizing it for what it is: a distraction.

During Practice 5 Corinne decided to spend a lot of time focusing on the body, energy, and health. While I did "scan" my body and reaffirm my excellent health, I did not end up staying with Corinne's guidance but rather revisited the concept of Essential Self which Corinne had mentioned in her opening comments.

She talked about the difficulty some people have in looking closely at their Essential Self, that self which is closer to being in touch with the universe and away from one's experiences, societal agreements, religious figure and parent pronouncements. In other words free from any biases, real or imagined, true or not, that tend to color who we are, what we think, and how we approach our day to day lives. Our PURE ESSENCE.

In the past I have had trouble focusing on my Essential Self, knowing it exists deep within me but somehow not being able or comfortable enough to dig down for a close look. In relation to the Essential Self, this time I revisited a Triumvirate of Self that I have been aware of, fine tuned it, and added the Essential Self as a fourth level.

I started out with my Public Self which I allow everyone to see, my Private Self which I only allow close loved ones to see, and my Secret Self which only I know about and which I would never share with anyone.

This understanding allowed me to arrive at the fourth self or Essential Self, as defined above. It was easier to look at my Essential Self without fear or difficulty when seeing it on this Continuum of Self from most external and visible to most internal and sacred.

Each time I experience a Mindful Meditation Practice, Yoga Nidra, I seem to arrive at a new place of comfort with myself, my relationship with Gregory, and with my world. Time well spent.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 1

I have begun the next round of seven sessions of Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/

It felt good to be back for the practice in what Corinne calls the "need to recharge." The session concentrated on the first 5 levels of the yoga practice (as pictured below) and lightly touched on the others.

My intention for the session was just to get back into the practice but also the word PEACE cropped up again.

My heartfelt desire is to be able to find a place where I can get away from yesterday, today, and tomorrow. To get away from myself, my responsibilities, my worries, my concerns. The ability to be in the NOW is so important and I want to be able to do that more often. The need to be at peace with myself and my life is so strong.

For at least one hour a week in Yoga Nidra, I can do just that, work on being able to do it more often on my own,  and as a bonus periodically get in touch with thoughts that I am not otherwise able hear because of all the noise in my head.

I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.

I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.

Then I added, just across a path, my tiny one room house just big enough for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply knowing how much is enough.

Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.

Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.

Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."

This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.

Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died but whom I still hold in my heart.

It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.

So I am well on my way to continued adventures with Yoga Nidra. I am also going to do a few sessions with Gregory which Corinne will tailor to his language abilities (if we can figure out where they lie) and see if he can benefit from just being in a quiet place with himself and no outside world expectations. As you can imagine, I will report back.

Finally I had to think about why I was posting my yoga experiences here on the Alzheimer's BLOG instead of my writer's BLOG. I guess Alzheimer's is such a large part of my life, as is Gregory such a large love of my life, that this was the best place for it.