The Metaphor of the Pillow

Just now I was sitting on the new chair in my bedroom sitting area. As I sat there, I was looking across the room where Gregory's ashes rest and at the photograph of him which has become what I consider the "standard" Gregory photo. Emma, my cat was sitting in my lap and I was absent-mindedly petting her.

I began a meditation practice by being aware of what my body was physically feeling. I felt the chill air being pulled into my mouth and the warmed air being expelled. I could hear a gentle hum of some motor running elsewhere in the condo. I could hear the emptiness of no talking, no noise in my ears. I felt my feet firmly resting on the floor. I felt my back supported by the pillow.

This is the pillow which Isaac made for me out of a shirt he took from Gregory's room at the Lieberman Center after Gregory had died. It was one of my favorite shirts, which when I outgrew it became one of Gregory's favorite shirts.

As I thought about the support of the pillow, a number of metaphors started playing in my mind. Since my meditation was spontaneous, and since I did not have any particular intention for it, I let my mind play with pillow metaphors.

The pillow is soft. It feels smooth to the skin and warm. It gives the back support. When the head is resting on the pillow, it can raise the head and therefore the mind to a higher level. A pillow can be hugged, or cried into, or just held gently or firmly. A pillow can be joyfully, playfully tossed or batted at another person.

The pillow elevates. The pillow soothes. The pillow comforts. The pillow supports. The pillow protects. The pillow loves. The pillow remembers.

This pillow in particular is the love of Gregory and Isaac and Michael and the world of love and life.

Yoga for Loss and Grieving: Session 2 - A Place Called Peace:

I am now participating in my third round of Yoga/Meditation practices class with Corinne Peterson. http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Today in session two of round 3, during our guided Resting Yoga Nidra meditation, we once again revisited our "Internal Resource." It is a place created in our imagination, in our mind, where we can go to feel peace, to escape to if we feel fear or upset during the meditation. It can be a place of refuge we can take a few minutes to visit whenever in life we feel sad or in need of a sense of peace.

Here is an excerpt from the post dealing with my "Internal Resource" post during a previous round of classes: 

I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.

I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.

This time I added quite a few things to the image. Just across a path, I added a tiny one room cabin just big enough in which for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply with knowing how much is enough.

Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.

Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.

Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."

Here is an excerpt from the next post dealing with my "Internal Resource" post during a previous round of classes: 

This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. While in the cabin I though I sensed a movement or shadow.  First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.

Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died and whom I still hold in my heart.

It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.

I went into today's session without any expectations, so what happened was surprise.

First during our stretching, when I was reaching out and upward with both arms I felt like I was opening myself up and searching for something. Not sure what I was looking for, I just stayed with the feeling and found myself crying silently with tears rolling down my face.

Next, today's visit to my "Inner Resource" was just as peaceful as it had been previously. 

This time I stayed in the little cabin remembering that I had previously visited with our RIP cats, Mariah most recently (RIP) and my mom (RIP.)

Then I decided that I could "conjure" Gregory to join us. At first I pictured him on the comfortable, cozy, quilt covered cot, sleeping on his back. I did not like this image because that is how I last saw him in his bed at Lieberman after he had died.

So I turned him on his right side (in my mind's eye) thinking that he had not been able to do that for himself for close to two years. Before I knew it, my picture (without my thinking about it) had Mariah (RIP) curled up in the crook of his knee.

Next I climbed in with them, with Gregory "spooning" me. For most of his last year at home, I would "spoon" him with my arm around him sending my protection towards him.

I enjoyed the image and the experience but began to wonder if I was just being creative or if there was something deeper in my ability to conjure him into the cabin and the scene which was unfolding.

Without my needing to do much thinking I realized that his arm was around me as he was sending protection towards me in his embrace. I didn't really have to imagine his arm around me, it just was there.

After spending some time with Gregory, as Corinne began the "gently begin to return to the room and be aware of your surroundings,' the tears flowed freely. The experience was moving, emotional, and intense.

I had not expect something this "big" to happen so maybe that is why it did. Either way, I will not question it too deeply, but just enjoy having had the experience and know that I can go back there anytime I choose.

Grief and Loss

Started a new yoga series with my "guru" Corinne Peterson, Click here to visit her site. (Opens in a new window.)

The ten session class was scheduled to run through the holiday season beginning two weeks before Thanksgiving and ending after the New Year. Corinne did it this way because for people dealing with grief and loss, the holidays are most often a very difficult time.

The first session consisted of sharing a little about why each of us were there, Yoga stretching and movement, focus on breathing, and a thirty minute guided meditation.

The energy in the room was heavy as people shared their reasons for signing up for the series and what they hoped to gain by attending. The the sense of community began to build almost immediately and as we moved into the Yoga and Meditation, I could almost sense, if only a tiny bit, the beginnings of healing for many of us there or at least leaving the grief behind for a brief period of time.

When asked to establish an intention for the session's practice, I looked into myself and came up with, "You need to re-establish you connection to JOY!" When I spent time at Lieberman visiting Gregory and the other residents I always felt so much joy at my ability to bring joy to others.

I felt joy helping a resident put the cloth napkin around their neck or  getting them another glass of juice or helping to cut up the food into bite size pieces. I felt joy at providing treats of chocolate, licorice, cookies, and more to Gregory and to the staff who dropped by his room to help or just to say "Hi" and grab a mini Butterfinger or Babe Ruth.

I felt joy during the resident's arts and crafts activities or the sing-alongs or the rhythm bands. I felt joy kissing Gregory or telling Martha, "I love you!" with her giggling and saying "You probably tell that to all the girls!" I felt joy clapping along to the Sunday Concert performers or helping to pass out cookies and juice to the attendees.

While I still feel joy in my daily life, the dosage is not large enough. So I need to think about how I can put more back into my life. Thank you Corinne. See you next session!

Last Night's Message

When I last visited with my intuitive, she described the pain I feel at loosing Gregory to Dementia/ Alzheimers: "Michael it is as if a great hole has been torn in your chest. and that hole is real and it is painful. No one has the right to try to fill or take that hole away from you. Not even God. It is a sacred place where you and Gregory can still be together."

Last night as I was meditating, the message I received said to me: "When Gregory passes, his spirit will fill that hole and he will continue to live in you. It will help to make you whole again. It will continue to ache but over time it will be replaced with much joy.

Thank You Corine

Corinne,

Have been thinking about you a lot recently and wanted to let you know that I appreciate you and to thank you for being my first guru/teacher (and counting:-) Let me ramble for a little ...

I continue my readings, meditation, and practice in Buddhism and find that they continue to help me live my life each day, accept changes as they come, grow into my new relationship with Gregory, and continue to grow myself.

Do you remember that you (indirectly) were part of an “epiphany” that I experienced late in 2012 or early 2013 (I don’t remember exactly) as I was drifting off to sleep: 1) I needed to quit Chicago Children’s Museum as curator to Michael’s Museum, 2) I needed to begin meditation as a way of finding a way to get away from myself and my suffering with G’s Alzheimer’s, and 3) I needed to reclaim my health and my body.

I have succeeded with number 1, have progressed well with number 2, and continue to struggle with number 3 (although I did renew my membership at LA Fitness and have been going to workout at least twice a week.)

Our meeting in the hall at Heartwood when I had finished a massage with Sarah McLaughlin and my subsequent signing up for a Yoga Nidra class was no coincidence. It was a gift from the Universe. The experience with you and Yoga Nidra changed my life and again I will tell you that I am so grateful to you. Our sessions in your office and the sessions on Davis Street helped me continue on the path.

While I know that I had and have been doing a good job supporting Gregory and living with the challenge of Alzheimer’s, I really would not be as successful as I have been without you and your being my teacher.

I call my life with Gregory for the last ten years our “journey” and my growth with meditation my “path.” So thank you for showing me the path. I continue to be comforted and amazed as it continues to unfold before me.

So thank you, I appreciate you, I am grateful to you, I love you, and Namaste!

Michael

Coffee With A New Friend

Today I had a coffee with a friend who is facing Alzheimer's withF her father. In the beginning, most of us go through this alone until it is time to reach out or until it gets so bad that it feels beyond our comprehension and/or control.

So I was happy to be able to be a good listener and to offer some advice, free for the taking. I think just having someone to talk to is helpful if only to hear yourself admit what you already are thinking, what you already know, what you fear.

A big part of my advice was that in many ways fear has no place in dealing with Alzheimer's. It isn't productive, it doesn't solve any of the problems that will arise, and very often many of the things you could have allowed yourself to fear DO NOT HAPPEN. 

How does one overcome fear? I don't know how I did it, but in some ways having confidence in myself, enlisting the moral support of family and friends, looking at my successes, being grateful for the good stuff still left, trying not to feel perfect and by not feeling too guilty when I wasn't ... and by deep, deep breathing.

I found meditation helpful in letting me "escape from myself and my voices" so I could hear the comforting words of the universe sooth me. I knew a lot about meditation (or thought I did) and just berated myself for not just "locking myself in my darkened closet and doing it!" 

One day my massage therapist introduced me to a woman who she felt would do me some good. I signed up with this woman for meditation classes, previously not having realized that one needs to be taught how to meditate, that in fact part of the practice of meditation requires one to HAVE A TEACHER to support and guide you. What I learned with Corinne, in many ways, has saved my life -  or at least given me a more peaceful one!

Even though each of us on the giving side of Alzheimer's and those on the receiving side of Alzheimer's (read any type of dementia,) go through this insidious disease in a way that is as unique as the individual personalities involved, there are many things which we have in common: dealing with fear, the unknown, disbelief, unwanted and unexpected change, difficult often unilateral decisions, somehow getting through this to the other side - whether it be in this life or the next.

In an e-mail that my friend sent thanking me for my time today, I replied:

You are very welcome! As I said, it will get worse but it will get better. You will run into obstacles you cannot foresee but the solutions will find you. You know in your deepest heart what you want for you dad and you will be able to do it as the time comes.

With your dad's "aggressiveness" you may run into complications but I understand him to not be physically violent. There are drugs to help with this. Most places will want to do an evaluation of your dad before making any commitments. 

Something else I did not mention is that there is no such thing as telling a lie when it comes to Alzheimer's. Any reply, true or false, is meant to pacify the person with dementia ... truth does not matter. Believe me I have learned to "lie" to Gregory. But then again, what is a lie? An embelishment? An exageration? A half truth? An omission? Someone else's point of view? NO ONE IS JUDGING.

A "visiting friend from college" can really be the psychologist who is observing and prescribing. The "car breaking down and not being able to afford a new one" can easily help solve the problem of a person dealing with no longer being able to drive.

When Gregory gets upset or depressed or angry and is unable to explain why, I go into my "Everything is OK. I have taken care of everything. You have nothing to worry about. You just have to be happy. I have lined everything up that needs to happen. It is all taken care of. No need to worry. I love you. You love me." MANTRA. And guess what, Gregory is able to calm down. I had no idea what was bothering him and he doesn't know that but he trusts that I have taken care of everything, and even not knowing what it was, I probably have! That's what comes with loving someone for over 39 years!

Panchamaya Kosha Session Four

I am including this "michael a horvich writes" post on the "michael a horvich cares about alzheimer's" BLOG. While I have decided to separate my personal writing from my Alzheimer's writing, this post really related to both as it discusses what I have termed "Acceptable Grief." Read on:

Interesting Yoga session today if only because earlier in the day my psychologist and I did a hypnosis session which was very much like a Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation Session.

Then this evening, in quick summary, we breathed, stretched, focused, and meditated. A lot of attention to self and growth today!

In quick review, as the sessions have taken place we have moved from:
1) The Physical Body (using yoga movements) to
2) The Energy Body (using breath work) to
3) The Mental-Emotional Body (using the tool of sound/chant)  and this evening
4) The Wisdom Body (using the tool of meditation.)

This level of the Panchamaya Kosha deals with personality, character, and our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. We alternated breath work with stretching work with meditation and cycled through these several times before doing the final Yoga Nidra rest.

During the Yoga Nidra meditation, when dealing with beliefs, my "voices" gave me the concept of "Acceptable Grief."

When in deep meditation, most times my mind quiets enough for me to be able to get in touch with deeper thoughts and ideas.

They present themselves in "understandings" or "images" rather than words or text. I refer to these as "my voices."

Then in these BLOG posts, I have to try to interpret what I "felt" into what I "thought."

Acceptable Grief.

grief |grēf| noundeep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death: she was overcome with grief. To this definition, I would add a great sense of loss. 

Obviously my concept of Acceptable Grief applies to the path that Gregory has been traveling with Alzheimer's Disease and on which I have chosen to accompany him. We both have been through so much over the last ten years and such quick change over the last four and a half months.

I find that while I still grieve for the loss of my lover, best friend, soul mate, and life companion, I am at peace with our current situation. He is being well taken care of at Lieberman, I am continuing to revitalize my life, and we both are doing well. 

When I am with Gregory I am able to be in the "Here and Now" as he is. Mine by choice, his by circumstances. I try not to think about our past or our future when I am with him.

When I am home I try to be in the "Here and Now" as well and I try not to think about  our past or Gregory in is situation.

For the most part, Gregory is comfortable, content, and happy. For the most part, I am filled with joy, happiness, and contentment.

But the Grief is always with me and now and then surfaces. When it does I pay it attention, cry if I need to, and in some ways embrace it. The concept of Grief not only includes the sorrow but also the joy in Gregory's and my situation. We are both in a good place. I would not have chosen it this way, but none-the-less, we are both in a good place. And that is acceptable. Thus, Acceptable Grief.

Panchamaya Kosha Session One

I will post this just as a reminder. The writing I will be doing about my Yoga experiences, and the regaining of my Personal Self as distinguished from my Alzheimer's Self will now take place at http://mhorvich.blogspot.com

Here, in case you want to follow is the first session write up. Future ones will be at the new location.

Thanks and Namaste,
Michael

After discussing the model and its levels we began our Yoga session. Corinne demonstrated the various stretching and activities in "floor position" and in "chair position." Most of the ones I did were on a chair as I am so out of shape, recently had a bad case of Vertigo, and my back and hips have been bothering me. (This is not a poor me but information by way of your understanding the session.)

As the stretches and exercises progressed I found myself becoming more and more limber and finally ended up moving to floor style. I do not think that I have been as aware of my body in a long time (if ever) then when we were going through the stretches/exercises in this mindful way.

After the stretches/exercises we did a brief Yoga Nidra meditation mainly doing a "body scan" where Corinne led us through a mindful look at our bod, from the top of our head to the tips of our toes, in relation to breathing, the "inside" of it and the "outside" of it.

When I first started meditation classes I would say that many people think Yoga is physical stretching and exercising when it is really a way to calm and quiet the body so as to be better able to meditate.

While that is still true, I am afraid that I discounted Yoga too much. In this one short session, I became so aware of my body and its relation to the space around and the space inside that I now understand better the relationship between the physical and how it supports the mindful meditation.

I have continued to become more aware of how breathing relates to meditation, my study of Buddhism, and my emotions and sure enough here it shows up again in Yoga. I am excited about these sessions and look forward to the next ones to see what they will bring.

I might mention here that I have known for a while that I am very physically out of shape and needed to do something about it. The message hit home when I took myself to the emergency room with the Vertigo attack. It scared me. I thought my blood pressure had gone sky high (when it really was only registering the distress of my body with the Vertigo.) But the scare was enough for me to decide that thinking about doing something does NOT count as DOING something.

I surprised me with my quick actions: 1) Began discussing weight loss and made goals with my Psychologist, 2) Renewed my membership at LA Fitness, 3) Committed to a year of personal training at LA Fitness, 4) Began my weight loss program by weighing in and beginning a log of everything that I ate, 5) Beginning a six week Yoga Kosha session with Corinne.

I am airing my laundry here because by talking about it and by processing it, I think I will be able to try harder to succeed with this program of regaining my health. I DO NOT WANT TO BE OR FUNCTION LIKE AN OLD MAN, EVEN THOUGH I AM AN OLD MAN!

Also, as a reminder, this is being posted on my writers BLOG because I need to move on and separate my Alzheimer's Life from my Personal Life. No less love for Gregory but he is now safely ensconced and embraced. I need to do the same for myself.

Drive All Suffering Into One’s Ego

Drive All Suffering Into One’s Ego
Original teaching by Pema Chödrön
February 2013 in honor of her 77^th birthday

Reinterpreted by Michael Horvich August 2013

It is hard to separate one’s ego from what one thinks of as one’s self. So this is not about blaming oneself for one’s suffering but rather one’s ego which controls self. One can do this by distinguishing between what is causing you to suffer and what is the trigger. What is the difference between the two? The cause and the catalyst.

We have preexisting propensities which are like seeds stored in the unconscientious. One acts in the same predictable way as though it is a rut one is stuck in. Someone says something that hurts your feelings for example, and it triggers a predetermined propensity to feel bad, even if what the person says is not true. Just seeing that person or remembering what they said can trigger the suffering. The person is NOT the cause, the person is the trigger.

If you want to wake up, be free of suffering, what must you learn then? You need to work with the propensity NOT the trigger. It is so easy for our attention to go to the thing which triggered the feeling not the cause of the feeling. Triggers activate preexisting propensities. One needs to look closely at the cause, at the preexisting propensity, NOT the trigger.

Often the trigger is no longer valid or in reality is not about the suffering anymore but it none-the-less triggers the preexisting propensity.

We cannot get rid of the triggers until we have studied the propensities. By allowing the triggers to “get you” you, you strengthen the propensity. Distinguish what triggers your suffering from your preexisting propensity and you weaken its power over you.

To work on this, don’t blame the propensity, recognize it and acknowledge it and be conscientious that the preexisting propensity continues to affect your suffering. It is a HUGE step when you can distinguish between the trigger and the propensity.

Let the story line go as you would do when meditating. In meditation you are focused on your breath, you have a thought, you note or recognize it, you go back to focusing on your breath. You do not have to act on your thought or give in to it. You do not have to fight it, repress it or ignore it. Just note it, recognize it, go back to your focus.

The same can be done when a someone or something triggers a pre-existing propensity. Label the feeling (propensity) when it occurs. Locate the pain that leads to the propensity. When you locate the pain, send your unconditional love. Do not blame the propensity, send love. Do not be harsh or repressive against the feeling or yourself. Use a hand gesture to the heart or the cheek as a way of sending it love. Most propensities are based on fear, fear of danger. The way to work with the fear is to help it relax by sending unconditional love.

By recognizing the propensities that are triggered and then sending unconditional love and comfort to the propensity you will help it to relax and loose its strength over you and eventually the suffering it causes.

Yoga Nidra

You have read previously about my experiences with mindful meditation and Yoga Nidra with Corinne Peterson. Today Gregory and I had another joint session with the focus on Gregory. I was just along for the ride. If the experience could provide Gregory a time and space away from his Alzheimer's, without having to think about it or cope or fight to bring a word or idea up to the surface for air, then the experience was worth while in my opinion. And both Corinne and I feel we were successful.

She led the meditation with great skill, understanding, and compassion. We started with some aroma therapy using a scent called "Joy." She gave Gregory ample time to process the simply stated suggestions like breathing in time to the going up and coming down of a ferris wheel (one of Gregory's favorite rides,) or taking a walk through a forest with the sun shining through the trees and periodic sightings of animals or hearing birds chirp. We looked at feelings of joy and sadness and back to joy so we could experience the full spectrum of emotions but leave on a positive note. She planted suggestions by which she could measure Gregory's involvement in the process and being able to connect language to action, for example: moving ones fingers and toes, opening and closing one's mouth, stretching, smiling. The session ended with gentle music and her gently ringing a bell five times.

Even though the meditation was not as deep or productive as I am usually able to achieve, for me just 30 minutes time out from life was worth participating in the experience. When Corinne was gently bringing us back to the meditation space and calling us back to awareness, I arrived earlier on purpose so I could see how Gregory was doing. The peaceful expression on his eyes-closed face, the relaxation in his body, brought tears to my eyes. Feeling that I had been able to help create and provide that experience for Gregory and the ease and joy with which he experienced the session made me want to weep but I held it to quiet tears.

When Corinne asked us how the session went, Gregory replied "Wonderful!" We will do this again sometime in August.

Mindfulness & Difficult Emotions

"Mindfulness & Difficult Emotions"

Tricycle: The Buddhist Review 

Spring 2013. Page 26 -28

By: Sharon Salzberg

I’ve heard some wonderful explanations of mindfulness. The writer and teacher Sylvia Boorstein calls it “awake attention to what is happening inside and outside so we can respond from a place of wisdom.” The Vietnamese Zen teacher and poet Thich Nhat Hanh says, “I like to define mindfulness as the energy that helps us to be there 100 percent. It is the energy of your true presence.” But my favorite definition comes from a fifth grader at Piedmont Avenue Elementary School in Oakland, California. 

In 2007, the school launched a pilot program that offered kids five weeks of mindfulness training from a coach who visited classrooms twice a week, leading 15-minute sessions on how to have “gentle breaths and still bodies.” The students trained their attention by focusing on their breath and noting the emotions that arose. The coach also asked them to cultivate compassion by reflecting—“taking a moment”—before lashing out at someone on the playground. “I was losing at baseball and I was about to throw a bat,” one boy told his class, according to The New York Times. “The mindfulness really helped.” 

The reporter asked another boy participating in the program to describe mindfulness. It’s “not hitting someone in the mouth,” he said. 

His answer is wise, wide, and deep. It illustrates one of the most important uses of mindfulness: helping us deal with difficult emotions. It suggests the possibility of finding the gap between a trigger event and our usual conditioned response to it, and using that pause to collect ourselves and change our response. And it demonstrates that we can learn to make better choices. 

“He doesn’t know what to do with his energy,” the student’s mother said at a parents’ meeting. He was, she explained, usually quick to strike out when he was confused or frustrated. But mindfulness training was changing that pattern. “One day after school he told me, ‘I’m taking a moment.’” 

This is just what the practice of mindfulness helps us remember. Working with emotions during our meditation sessions sharpens our ability to recognize a feeling just as it begins, not 15 consequential actions later. We can then go on to develop a more balanced relationship with it—neither letting it overwhelm us so we lash out rashly nor ignoring it because we’re afraid or ashamed of it. 

We learn a lot in that middle, mindful place. We begin to discover that, like the Oakland schoolboy, we can always take a moment—to re-center ourselves in our bodies, acknowledge what we’re feeling, spot our habitual reactions (whether that means erupting when we’re frustrated or silently sulking when we feel criticized), and perhaps decide on a different course of action. 

When I first began my meditative practice I was only 18, and although I knew I was deeply unhappy, I wasn’t aware of the separate strands of grief, anger, and fear roiling inside me. All I felt was a single, seemingly solid bank of sadness. Then, through meditation, I began to look within more clearly and detect the various components of my sorrow. What I saw unsettled me so much that I marched up to my teacher, S. N. Goenka, and said accusingly, “I never used to be an angry person before I began meditating!” Of course I was hugely angry: my mother had died; I barely knew my father; I barely knew myself. When I blamed Mr. Goenka, he simply laughed—then reminded me of the tools I now had to deal with the difficult feelings I used to keep hidden. I could begin to forge a different relationship with my emotions—to find the middle place between denying them and giving over to them—because I had acknowledged them. 

Mindfulness practice isn’t meant to eliminate thinking but aims rather to help us know what we’re thinking when we’re thinking it, just as we want to know what we’re feeling when we’re feeling it. 

Mindfulness allows us to watch our thoughts, see how one thought leads to the next, decide if we’re heading toward an unhealthy path, and if so, let go and change directions. It allows us to see that who we are is much more than a fearful or envious or angry thought. We can rest in the awareness of the thought, in the compassion we extend to ourselves if the thought makes us uncomfortable, and in the balance and good sense we summon as we decide whether and how to act on the thought. 

Meditation is like going into an old attic room and turning on the light. In that light we see everything—the beautiful treasures we’re grateful to have unearthed; the dusty, neglected corners that inspire us to say, “I’d better clean that up”; the unfortunate relics of the past that we thought we had gotten rid of years ago. We acknowledge them all, with an open, spacious, and loving awareness. 

It’s never too late to turn on the light. Your ability to break an unhealthy habit or turn off an old tape doesn’t depend on how long it’s been running; a shift in perspective doesn’t depend on how long you’ve held the old view. When you flip the switch in that attic, it doesn’t matter whether it’s been dark for 10 minutes, 10 years, or 10 decades. The light still illuminates the room and banishes the murkiness, letting you see things you couldn’t see before. It’s never too late to take a moment to look. 

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 7

The Intention of today's Practice was peace and calm and healing not only for ourselves but also for the world. This in light of the Boston Marathon Bombing and the poisoned letters arriving at the offices of various senators and the White House.

Some how it felt especially good to offer the Practice to something greater than just myself. The beginning of this practice felt like what prayer should be ... and it felt good. Most prayer to me feels like a form of begging or negotiating with some old, wise man sitting in judgement, who exists outside of myself, and who controls what happens to me. I feel the most successful prayer, if I need to use that word, has to do with going inside myself having faith in knowing that the answers exist within. Today, I reached a new level of understanding about how I want to define prayer for myself.

In the part of the Practice where one deals with Emotions, Corinne suggested that instead avoiding letting the emotion distract from the meditation, we work with it.We should picture ourselves in front of a door with the emotion on the other side. When the door is opened, what form does the emotion take: a person, a feeling, a word, a place? Talk with the emotion. Spend some time with the emotion. What is it trying to say to you? What does it want to show you or have you learn? What do you want to say to the emotion?

For a lot of people, spending time with emotion is difficult. Confronting it, dealing with it, embracing it, is hard to do. For me, this time, much to my amazement my mother was on the other side of the door. She extended her arms and took me into her bosom. She told me that she knows how much sadness I hold in my heart and what a huge responsibility I have on my shoulders supporting Gregory through his difficulties with Alzheimer's Disease.  She asked me to let her help me carry my load and to support me. The experience was quite beautiful and reassuring.

This was the last Practice in this series of meetings. I have decided to take a month off and then look at joining the next session. I will miss the weekly "escapes" but can listen the recorded MP3's that Corinne sends us of each Practice if and when I need to. I owe her so much for the calm, tranquility, and lessons she has helped me work through using Yoga Nidra.

http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Joyful Heart

Noticed that recently I have been in a good place. Not sure if Gregory has plateaued for the time being or if I have. I have been calm, patient, understanding, respectful. I have felt peaceful at a 9.5 out of 10 level. It feels good to feel good. Few if any apologies necessary, little if any guilt, lots if even abundant amounts of love.

Why? On one hand don't question or analyze the feelings just enjoy them. On the other hand look, learn, and grow.

Maybe things feel good because of how well our "Nobel Experiment" is working with Ken, Gregory's companion, living with us and while not needed all the time, being available 24/7.

Maybe Gregory is at a new plateau and we have learned how to deal with and accept the new challenges.

Maybe I have grown and continue to do so with the progress of my meditation and yoga classes with Corinne.

Maybe it is SPRING and the warmer weather and smell of tulips and hyacinths in the flower market air.

Maybe it is because of the renewed flow of creativity with my new endeavor at The Galleria, belonging to an artist collective, having a space in which to sell the results of my creativity, having fun with marketing and signage and display.

Whatever the reason, it feels good.

Gregory's Meditation Session One

Yoga Nidra with Corinne Peterson has been so beneficial for me that I decided to see if it would be of benefit to Gregory. The concept was not to follow Yoga Nidra exactly, but to allow Gregory some "time away from himself." Often he is frustrated when he can't tell you what he is thinking, or he struggles to figure out how to cut a piece of meat or brush his teeth. The more time we can allow him free from pain, distraction, frustration etc the better. So we are calling this, as we have called other experiences, "A Nobel Experiment."

Corinne and I began an e-mail dialogue on what a Practice (yoga session) might look like for someone with Alzheimer's. We needed to take into consideration language and communication difficulties, Gregory's inability to focus on complicated directions, and other Alzheimer's issues. We were concerned that he would not be able to give us feedback on the process.

Following are some of the thoughts Corinne and I shared:

"We've talked a little about what the session on Thursday might feel like. Here are a few more thoughts and suggestions. I am just thinking out loud, you are the expert in Yoga Nidra, I am somewhat the expert in Alzheimer's although Gregory is the real expert in Alzhiemer's, just unable to share his expertise.

Spend most of the time in levels 4, 5, and 6.

Use less detail. Start at head and work your way down to toes but do so simply. For example "be aware of your mouth." Don't complicate it by "left mouth" "right mouth" "top of mouth" "bottom of mouth." etc. Lips-OK, Tongue-Ok, Teeth-Ok for example but leave the detail out? 

Hands - OK. Fingers - OK but leave out left and right. Leave out thumb, pinkie, ring finger, etc. Allow enough space for him to process the suggestions made. We will have to play this one by ear, maybe his face will cue us? 

For 5 breathing and noticing in and out is good. A countdown from 12 to 1. Gregory cannot count by himself. Instructive: "We will count our breaths down from 12. Breath in, breath out 12. Breath in, breath out 11. etc. Our breathing could be loud enough to guide him as you cue.

For 6: one or two emotions. Happiness and Sadness for example. After suggesting the emotion, maybe let Gregory create his own thoughts during the silence instead of complicating it by offering options or alternatives. Then go to Sadness and let him create what makes him sad. Then come back to happiness and leave it on the positive note. Maybe the word itself will be enough for Gregory to think about.

End with a guided imagery through a forest. Suggest the images leaving a lot of quiet space for him to process. Something like "Lets be quiet for a while and think about a forest." His processing is so slow that the space is important. Perhaps offering generalities of a forest and again allow space for his processing would help. Picture the trees......  Do you see the sun shining through the trees... Picture the path..... Do you see any animals.....

Allowing the right amount of space for him to process the suggestions is important. Not too much. Not too little. We will have to play this one by ear, maybe his face will cue? 

Corinne, based on our conversations the last few times, how does all this sound to you? The goal is to tailor the session to Gregory. I am just coming along for the ride so don't worry about making it meaningful for me. I will probably have as my intention to entrain with Gregory to "feel" how it is going for him. 

Looking forward to the session.

• • • • •

Corinne,

Thanks for today. I think it was a great success. Your pacing was perfect as was your simplicity of suggestion. We do not need to know exactly what Gregory experienced in detail but I think his "waking" reactions were very telling as to your success. (Two thumbs up. "Wonderful." "Amazing." I was SO PLEASED! Did you notice the tears in my eyes? Joy!
Michael

Corinne shared an e-mail that Richard Miller sent in answer to someone's query about Yoga Nidra and people with dementia.  He is the guru of Yoga Nidra and her teacher. It was interesting to see how what he had to say overlapped Corinne and my discussions.

iRest (Yoga Nidra) for this particular group is a wonderful offering, especially when delivering certain aspects of the practice that are sensate oriented, such as body sensing and breath awareness. 

These practices are focused in the here and now, and can help this population feel at ease and calm. Also imagery can be a useful aspect by bringing in images that the individuals give you and speaking them back, like you are taking them on a beautiful and present focused journey. 

I also think any way to interweave joy through things like chocolate meditations, smelling flowers, holding hands in the heart to evoke feelings of love, etc., can be wonderful elements to weave into a practice. 

Using hands on materials like we do with kids, i.e., cloth or textures to touch, things to smell (floors) or hear (bells) or see (die settling into a water vase.) 

The sky is the limit. Just our imagination as teachers as to what we can bring to enliven the senses, nourish the felt sense of being and being in the hare an now, etc.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 6

This session provided yet another round of spiral awarenesses and growth. I set as my Intention looking at the concept of CALM. 

My Heartfelt Desire on a general level was to work at approaching everything I do in my life from a place of LOVE, and specifically to approach my life with Gregory from a place of LOVE rather than sadness,anger, fear, frustration, and lack of patience.

Through the Initial Relaxation I was able to settle in very quickly. With Intention and Heartfelt Desire set I found that the Body and Breathing Sensing was peaceful and I did not get "antsy" but continued to settle into the Practice.

During the Feelings and Emotions, I chose CALM and CHAOS. It was interesting that this time my hands got into the process. When I focused on CALM I found my thumb and first finger slowly, smoothly, gracefully opening and closing. 

When I shifted my focus to CHAOS, my thumb and first finger rapidly snapped open and closed. I only became aware of these movements after I had shifted back and forth a few times. 

As I focused on these movements I could physically and emotionally sense the feeling. CALM felt calm, slow, peaceful. CHAOTIC felt chaotic, fast, uncomfortable. 

As we looked at Beliefs and I  allowed Heartfelt Desires to come to the front, the message I received was that ALL of my being present for Gregory, GOOD or BAD, CALM or CHAOTIC, comes from LOVE. 

Some of the LOVE IS CALM and makes me feel at peace. Some of the LOVE is CHAOTIC and makes me feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, and impatient .... but none the less these feelings surface because of the great LOVE I have for Gregory as we travel together his Alzheimer's Path. 

The CHAOTIC, uncomfortable feelings come because I love Gregory in the first place. If I didn't love him, or care, the feelings would not occur. And the fact that sometimes I am not at my best only shows that I am human and that I care enough to work at being better.

I also became aware of the fact that Alzheimer's is like a game. A game without rules. I have known this before but on this SPIRAL look I realized that being a game without rules means I have to try various approaches, take risks. 

Sometimes my behavior works, other times it does not. This does not mean that I am BAD but rather GOOD. I continue to try to find what works, what works this time and may not work next time and what may or may not return to work again.

I came away from this practice feeling light, and calm.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 4 & 5

Just to keep track, I skipped Practice 4 because I was ill.

Practice 5 presented an interesting shift for me in several ways.

1) Previously, a day or two before our meeting, I would think about possible Intentions and Heartfelt Desires. This time, I decided to wait and see what "arrived" as I was settling in and getting into the meditation.

2) Another thing that I am more aware of is a "spiraling" of lessons with each new appearance bringing a deeper, more coherent understanding of the idea, emotion, experience, etc that presents itself.

3) During the period of my deepest calm, I became aware of what I would describe as Black (visually) but more An Absence (emotionally & intellectually.) Things would come and go without disrupting my meditation.

At one point a man showed up, I acknowledged him and continued my meditation without needing to know who he was, or what he wanted, or what he represented.

Another time a beautiful, sweet, pink fondant ribbon swirled in my Black, maybe because it was also my birthday and I was thinking of cake but it didn't matter I continued my meditation.

4) At times one needs to pause and enter the moment as it presents itself for lessons to be learned, but other options include setting it aside to deal with at a later time, or deciding that it is not important to deal with the distraction at all and recognizing it for what it is: a distraction.

During Practice 5 Corinne decided to spend a lot of time focusing on the body, energy, and health. While I did "scan" my body and reaffirm my excellent health, I did not end up staying with Corinne's guidance but rather revisited the concept of Essential Self which Corinne had mentioned in her opening comments.

She talked about the difficulty some people have in looking closely at their Essential Self, that self which is closer to being in touch with the universe and away from one's experiences, societal agreements, religious figure and parent pronouncements. In other words free from any biases, real or imagined, true or not, that tend to color who we are, what we think, and how we approach our day to day lives. Our PURE ESSENCE.

In the past I have had trouble focusing on my Essential Self, knowing it exists deep within me but somehow not being able or comfortable enough to dig down for a close look. In relation to the Essential Self, this time I revisited a Triumvirate of Self that I have been aware of, fine tuned it, and added the Essential Self as a fourth level.

I started out with my Public Self which I allow everyone to see, my Private Self which I only allow close loved ones to see, and my Secret Self which only I know about and which I would never share with anyone.

This understanding allowed me to arrive at the fourth self or Essential Self, as defined above. It was easier to look at my Essential Self without fear or difficulty when seeing it on this Continuum of Self from most external and visible to most internal and sacred.

Each time I experience a Mindful Meditation Practice, Yoga Nidra, I seem to arrive at a new place of comfort with myself, my relationship with Gregory, and with my world. Time well spent.

Optimism

Interesting shifts take place the longer one deals with being an Alzheimer's Caregiver Partner. I realized that while taking care of my partner (keeping him as safe, clean, content, useful, busy, etc) I have forgotten to figure myself into the equation.

Not that I don't take care of myself but the personalities of the Caregiver Partners seem to merge with my own taking second place. All thoughts are shadowed by Gregory and his Alzheimer's.

The task is all consuming physically, emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually with little time left for myself. People always say, "Are you taking care of yourself?" While they are well meaning, it tells me that they do not really understand what it takes to be in this position. 

Of course I am taking care of myself as much as possible. I eat well. I continue to sleep well. I can got out on my own when Gregory's Companions are with him. I read, go to the theater, eat candy, enjoy cooking, feel good about the order I am able to create for Gregory and me in our home.

But the emotional side of seeing your loved one continue to disintegrate in front of your eyes on a daily basis, unable to do today what he could do yesterday, who knows about tomorrow, and to try to untangle the messy web of associations he gets himself into cannot be put to rest.

The constant monitoring of his needs, actions, behaviors, thoughts is a job that cannot take a ten minute break, a weekend off, let alone a vacation. It is with you all the time even when I are not with Gregory.

Even while "taking care of yourself" it is very difficult to leave the mental and emotional part behind. It reminds me of people to try to escape from their problems by going on vacation or more extremely running away from their problems only to realize the problems came along with them. You can avoid your problems but that will not help solve them!

But then this shift I first spoke of began to take place. After 35+ years of being part of a loving, respectful, growing relationship and after 10+ years of being the lead caregiver partner, one begins to reestablish his own individuality and his own identity.

Yes I am still Gregory's Life Partner. Yes I am the lead member of his caregiving team. But I am also me and I am separate and I am different and I am unique and I will somehow come out on the other side of this Alzheimer's as a whole me.

This shift began to take place during my Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation sessions when I realized that all the work done during the meditation was about Gregory instead of about me.

Once I made that shift I found that by making the meditation, the quest, the ability to quiet the noise in my head about me and not him, I was in a better place. I could be better with and for Gregory as well as for myself. 

In other words I began to concentrate on me NOT on him and we all received the benefits. For example, NOT "How can I be better for Gregory" but rather "How can I be a better person." One step further is accepting my desires in the present tense, already present and already functioning. I AM A BETTER PERSON!

This BLOG's writing was sparked by today's horoscope as added below. I realized as I read it and identified with what it had to say, that I was thinking about me and my life and my future and not necessarily Gregory's. This may sound selfish but it is not.

My meditations will change me ... not Gregory. It will help me create a more patient, calm, loving environment for Gregory but he will still have to be the one to live in his world. I will work at understanding his world, but I do not have to live in it!

• • • • •

From: http://www.dailyom.com
March 9, 2013
Lifted by Outlook
Aries Daily Horoscope

Your optimism can spark your determination today, providing you with the motivation you need to reach a new phase of accomplishment. The visions of a more beautiful future that you entertain while working and playing will likely inspire you to double your efforts where your ambitions are concerned. You may feel buoyant and energized as you contemplate the fulfillment of your expectations. And because you are likely approaching your tasks with an attitude of confidence today, you may find that you do not hesitate when presented with auspicious opportunities. If you take pleasure in your quest for accomplishment, you will likely have little trouble looking on the brighter side of life.

The most potent forms of motivation are often those that originate within us, fueled by the joy we feel when we contemplate our positive expectations. When we focus on our dreams and hopes, we need not concern ourselves greatly with the trials we face in the pursuit of our ambitions. Though we must address these issues directly, they do not cause anxious thoughts to blossom in our minds. Rather, we choose to treat tribulation pragmatically by doing all that is within our power to overcome the roadblocks that stand in the way of our eventual success. Our spirits never flag and we can take pride in the fact that we are doing our best to meet our goals, no matter what the outcome of our efforts is. The optimism you carry in your heart today will energize you and ensure that you stay strong in the face of adversity.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 2

Sometimes, in advance I think about what my intent for a practice might be or sometimes an idea just comes to me before or on the day of a practice. This time, mid-week, I decided to have my intent be: "What ever comes!" I wanted to be open to whatever thoughts might show up during the practice.

I was able quickly to get to a deep meditative state and reaffirmed my intent of "whatever." 

Next, in thinking about my heartfelt desires, which you may remember is a larger, more encompassing view of what I hope for in my life, I "felt" that at least for today, my desire was to be more centered, to be more in control of my ups and downs my sorrows and my joys.

I won't go into detail again here, but I visited my Inner Resource and felt great joy at knowing my departed pets and parents could visit me there.

At a certain point in my deep state, after visiting my Inner Resource, and doing the breathing exercises and the body awareness exercises, I realized that my daily world had disappeared. I wasn't "carrying" Gregory around, or the activities and noise which usually ride with me on a day to day basis. The room around me was gone and Corinne's voice, while there and guiding me, was gone as well.

When we got to the feelings/emotions exercise in which one picks an emotion to focus on and then changes the focus to the opposite of that emotion, I experienced a presence in the room. Lying on my back I would say it hovered over my left shoulder.

In focusing on the presence, it became a woman whose face I could clearly see, with her bright shining eyes, her glowing golden hair, in fact everything about her glowing golden with a lightness of being. She was so full of love and contentment and embracing.

My mind (meditative subconscious not alert active) identified her as an "Angel." I realized that the emotion she carried was Joy.

As I shifted my focus to the opposite emotion, her opposite, I experienced the presence of a man over my right shoulder. He was also an "Angel" but he was Sorrow. He was shadowy, incomplete, blurry, heavy, sad.

With these awarenesses, I connected their presence to my heartfelt desire of being more centered. Here I was lying on my mat, joy on my left, sorrow on my right, me in the center.

Next, Corinne had us focus on our Inner Strength and to acknowledge it. This was very difficult for me to do. I actually said to myself, "No, I cannot do this." I am aware that during a practice one might run into some conflict of thought and part of the practice is that one can take it off in whatever direction one needs to. I found it interesting that I could not focus on my Inner Strength. I know that I am strong, I know that my Inner Strength exists, but I could not bring it to the front for a closer look. I could not acknowledge it.

I decided that the conflict had to do with my situation, living being between Joy and Sorrow all of the time. It seemed to me that the way I deal with my inner strength is to just do it, not to contemplate it. I realized that at least for now, Sorrow plays the dominant role over Joy. While sometimes Joy does exist and I can hold onto it without feeling the Sorrow, and while there is a lot of Joy in my life, most of the time Sorrow holds the cards and I just need to go forward and ignore both to survive my days.

Looking forward to Practice #3.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 1

I have begun the next round of seven sessions of Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/

It felt good to be back for the practice in what Corinne calls the "need to recharge." The session concentrated on the first 5 levels of the yoga practice (as pictured below) and lightly touched on the others.

My intention for the session was just to get back into the practice but also the word PEACE cropped up again.

My heartfelt desire is to be able to find a place where I can get away from yesterday, today, and tomorrow. To get away from myself, my responsibilities, my worries, my concerns. The ability to be in the NOW is so important and I want to be able to do that more often. The need to be at peace with myself and my life is so strong.

For at least one hour a week in Yoga Nidra, I can do just that, work on being able to do it more often on my own,  and as a bonus periodically get in touch with thoughts that I am not otherwise able hear because of all the noise in my head.

I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.

I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.

Then I added, just across a path, my tiny one room house just big enough for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply knowing how much is enough.

Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.

Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.

Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."

This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.

Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died but whom I still hold in my heart.

It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.

So I am well on my way to continued adventures with Yoga Nidra. I am also going to do a few sessions with Gregory which Corinne will tailor to his language abilities (if we can figure out where they lie) and see if he can benefit from just being in a quiet place with himself and no outside world expectations. As you can imagine, I will report back.

Finally I had to think about why I was posting my yoga experiences here on the Alzheimer's BLOG instead of my writer's BLOG. I guess Alzheimer's is such a large part of my life, as is Gregory such a large love of my life, that this was the best place for it.

Meditation Class

If you read these blogs consistently, you will know that I took an eight week course in Yoga Nidra Meditation. It was quite beneficial for me and I thought it might be good to continue.

Corinne Peterson, my instructor, decided to have a small group continuation in her downtown Evanston office and I intend to take advantage of her offering.

She and I talked about including Gregory. This is an e-mail I wrote to her in response to her request for a little more information on what she might expect or what she might do differently when including Gregory in a session.

Visit Corinne's website at: (http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Corinne,

I think it would be a good idea to do a test run with just Gregory and me to see if it works for him. Lets set up one or two times and since it will only be the three of us, you can let me know how much you might charge. 

Let me ramble a little...

I am not sure how much you need to do differently, although I'll discuss it below. He might get something out of the usual Yoga Nidra or he may need it to be simplified.

If he needs it simplified I imagine that it would not be good for the group situation (or for my needs either.) We can try to evaluate as we go along. 

Perhaps we should do one or two sessions with just the three of us. One "simplified" experience and one "regular" experience and see if we can tell how he does?

Some ideas for the first time with Gregory, simplified version: he may need some extra support from me in following directions to prepare (i.e. getting comfortable etc) I would advise you to keep the meditation as simple as possible. 

When giving directions, best to keep them simple and one at a time. So for example, instead of saying: Close your eyes and picture a forest where you are walking quietly along past a brook that is bubbling with fish swimming slowly back and forth; you might say: Close your eyes. (Pause 5 or 10 seconds) Picture a forest. (Pause) See the trees. (Pause) See the sun shining through the trees. (Pause) In other words, one image at a time with time to process? 

If you are interested, maybe we could work together to develop for your practice, a Yoga Nidra that is specialized for people with Alzheimer's or other dementias. Perhaps it would just be guided imagery of calm, beautiful, spiritual experiences WITHOUT asking much processing. It would be Yoga Nidra only in that it would help the person get to that meditative state in a comfortable, peaceful, frustration free place. 

For Gregory, language and communication barely exists while all the memories and abilities are still there. He just cannot access them easily or on demand (his or mine.) He cannot easily process or make associations. 

Isn't living life in most ways the ability to make associations between ALL of our experiences past and present in a way that helps us decide our actions? This no longer works for him.

I have gone through some wonderful growth with Yoga Nidra including new understandings, awarenesses, changes in behavior and thinking, etc. For Gregory perhaps just the ability to help him have an hour of peaceful meditation would be a great goal. 

If he is able to make those associations in a meditative state but not be able to do so in waking language or communication, that is good also.

What it boils down to is when you say, "Visualize a forest," I have no idea what may or may not go on in his mind today which might be different from the next time.

My blog, although there is a lot, might give you some insight on what I go through on a day to day basis being his support. http://mhorvichcares.blogspot

If you would like to talk more, let me know. Meanwhile when might we set up a just the three of us session?

Fondly,

Michael