Meditation: Round 2: Practice 6

This session provided yet another round of spiral awarenesses and growth. I set as my Intention looking at the concept of CALM. 

My Heartfelt Desire on a general level was to work at approaching everything I do in my life from a place of LOVE, and specifically to approach my life with Gregory from a place of LOVE rather than sadness,anger, fear, frustration, and lack of patience.

Through the Initial Relaxation I was able to settle in very quickly. With Intention and Heartfelt Desire set I found that the Body and Breathing Sensing was peaceful and I did not get "antsy" but continued to settle into the Practice.

During the Feelings and Emotions, I chose CALM and CHAOS. It was interesting that this time my hands got into the process. When I focused on CALM I found my thumb and first finger slowly, smoothly, gracefully opening and closing. 

When I shifted my focus to CHAOS, my thumb and first finger rapidly snapped open and closed. I only became aware of these movements after I had shifted back and forth a few times. 

As I focused on these movements I could physically and emotionally sense the feeling. CALM felt calm, slow, peaceful. CHAOTIC felt chaotic, fast, uncomfortable. 

As we looked at Beliefs and I  allowed Heartfelt Desires to come to the front, the message I received was that ALL of my being present for Gregory, GOOD or BAD, CALM or CHAOTIC, comes from LOVE. 

Some of the LOVE IS CALM and makes me feel at peace. Some of the LOVE is CHAOTIC and makes me feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, and impatient .... but none the less these feelings surface because of the great LOVE I have for Gregory as we travel together his Alzheimer's Path. 

The CHAOTIC, uncomfortable feelings come because I love Gregory in the first place. If I didn't love him, or care, the feelings would not occur. And the fact that sometimes I am not at my best only shows that I am human and that I care enough to work at being better.

I also became aware of the fact that Alzheimer's is like a game. A game without rules. I have known this before but on this SPIRAL look I realized that being a game without rules means I have to try various approaches, take risks. 

Sometimes my behavior works, other times it does not. This does not mean that I am BAD but rather GOOD. I continue to try to find what works, what works this time and may not work next time and what may or may not return to work again.

I came away from this practice feeling light, and calm.