Seven Days or a Week

It has been seven days since I was with Gregory. Six days in California and one day regrouping at home in Evanston. I took the extra day not only to regroup, unpack, and chill but also I was aware of some avoidance going on.

I was afraid to see Gregory, wondering how I would feel and wondering how he would react. Would he have missed me? Would he remember me? Now that the documentary "hoop-la" was over, how would it feel returning to my day to day and my visits to Lieberman.

When I turned the corner of the hall towards Gregory's room, he and Manny were sitting in front of the balcony doors, looking outside and singing. I just stood there and didn't say anything. Manny notice me and moved away from Gregory. Gregory kept singing.

I moved more in front of Gregory, put my hand on his knee, and smiled big. I still hadn't said anything. Gregory kept singing.

Finally I said, "Hello my love!" Gregory looked at me with a blank look on his face. "I love you!" Gregory's face changed to his 'oh I have a visitor look.' "I am back and here to visit you. Did you miss me?" Gregory's face slowly, ever so slowly, began to register and process who I was.

"Oh my. It's you," he mumbled through tears and swelling emotion. He began to sob and I leaned in, hugged and held him. I slowly backed away but he held tight and said, "Stay, stay." And I did.

For the next fifteen minutes or so, as I talked and as he mumbled, he went back and forth between laughing, and delight, and tears, and being overwhelmed.

I agreed that it had been along time since I had visited and I apologized explaining where I had been and said I would try not to do that again. Perhaps my part of the conversation was more for my benefit than his.

At one point he leaned forward, very strongly and emphatically pointed out the window and said, "I want to go there!"

"You want to go outside?" I asked.

"Yes!"

"OK, we can go outside if you would like." In my heart I heard him saying, "I want to go home. I am inside and I want to be outside." But who knows how accurate my heart is when it comes to interpreting Alzheimer's Speak.

Finally he calmed down and we just had a good visit, with souvenirs and drinks of water and mouthfuls of chocolate.

I took my leave to go to a meeting with our lawyer, telling Gregory I'd be right back in ten minutes and he let me go without a problem. When I returned he was back in his usual mode of welcoming me for a visit and the trauma of my week's absence seemed over.

So what happened? As best as I can tell, and based on feedback from Manny, Gregory did not miss me while I was gone but realized and experienced the emptiness of my having been gone when I returned. It took him longer to process my face, who I was, what I meant to him and like a developing photograph, the negative image slowly became a positive image.

He was more overwhelmed by the memory of my absence triggered by my return than he was by the actual absence. Either way, we are both happy that I am home and I eagerly look forward to seeing him again today and visiting with the rest of my Lieberman Family as well.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 4 & 5

Just to keep track, I skipped Practice 4 because I was ill.

Practice 5 presented an interesting shift for me in several ways.

1) Previously, a day or two before our meeting, I would think about possible Intentions and Heartfelt Desires. This time, I decided to wait and see what "arrived" as I was settling in and getting into the meditation.

2) Another thing that I am more aware of is a "spiraling" of lessons with each new appearance bringing a deeper, more coherent understanding of the idea, emotion, experience, etc that presents itself.

3) During the period of my deepest calm, I became aware of what I would describe as Black (visually) but more An Absence (emotionally & intellectually.) Things would come and go without disrupting my meditation.

At one point a man showed up, I acknowledged him and continued my meditation without needing to know who he was, or what he wanted, or what he represented.

Another time a beautiful, sweet, pink fondant ribbon swirled in my Black, maybe because it was also my birthday and I was thinking of cake but it didn't matter I continued my meditation.

4) At times one needs to pause and enter the moment as it presents itself for lessons to be learned, but other options include setting it aside to deal with at a later time, or deciding that it is not important to deal with the distraction at all and recognizing it for what it is: a distraction.

During Practice 5 Corinne decided to spend a lot of time focusing on the body, energy, and health. While I did "scan" my body and reaffirm my excellent health, I did not end up staying with Corinne's guidance but rather revisited the concept of Essential Self which Corinne had mentioned in her opening comments.

She talked about the difficulty some people have in looking closely at their Essential Self, that self which is closer to being in touch with the universe and away from one's experiences, societal agreements, religious figure and parent pronouncements. In other words free from any biases, real or imagined, true or not, that tend to color who we are, what we think, and how we approach our day to day lives. Our PURE ESSENCE.

In the past I have had trouble focusing on my Essential Self, knowing it exists deep within me but somehow not being able or comfortable enough to dig down for a close look. In relation to the Essential Self, this time I revisited a Triumvirate of Self that I have been aware of, fine tuned it, and added the Essential Self as a fourth level.

I started out with my Public Self which I allow everyone to see, my Private Self which I only allow close loved ones to see, and my Secret Self which only I know about and which I would never share with anyone.

This understanding allowed me to arrive at the fourth self or Essential Self, as defined above. It was easier to look at my Essential Self without fear or difficulty when seeing it on this Continuum of Self from most external and visible to most internal and sacred.

Each time I experience a Mindful Meditation Practice, Yoga Nidra, I seem to arrive at a new place of comfort with myself, my relationship with Gregory, and with my world. Time well spent.