The Metaphor of the Pillow

Just now I was sitting on the new chair in my bedroom sitting area. As I sat there, I was looking across the room where Gregory's ashes rest and at the photograph of him which has become what I consider the "standard" Gregory photo. Emma, my cat was sitting in my lap and I was absent-mindedly petting her.

I began a meditation practice by being aware of what my body was physically feeling. I felt the chill air being pulled into my mouth and the warmed air being expelled. I could hear a gentle hum of some motor running elsewhere in the condo. I could hear the emptiness of no talking, no noise in my ears. I felt my feet firmly resting on the floor. I felt my back supported by the pillow.

This is the pillow which Isaac made for me out of a shirt he took from Gregory's room at the Lieberman Center after Gregory had died. It was one of my favorite shirts, which when I outgrew it became one of Gregory's favorite shirts.

As I thought about the support of the pillow, a number of metaphors started playing in my mind. Since my meditation was spontaneous, and since I did not have any particular intention for it, I let my mind play with pillow metaphors.

The pillow is soft. It feels smooth to the skin and warm. It gives the back support. When the head is resting on the pillow, it can raise the head and therefore the mind to a higher level. A pillow can be hugged, or cried into, or just held gently or firmly. A pillow can be joyfully, playfully tossed or batted at another person.

The pillow elevates. The pillow soothes. The pillow comforts. The pillow supports. The pillow protects. The pillow loves. The pillow remembers.

This pillow in particular is the love of Gregory and Isaac and Michael and the world of love and life.

The Best Christmas Gift Ever

Gregory and I always exchanged Christmas gifts. He would make sure to buy a few gifts for me but mostly our agreement was that I would buy him gifts and I would by him gifts to give to me. He liked this arrangement and so did I.

So while Christmas gifts were always fun, we were able to get what we wanted when we wanted, so sometimes we allowed the gifts at Christmas time to be a little more extravagant than usual but they were never too surprising. We just didn't do it that way.

Probably the most wonderful gift I ever received was this year from God-Son Isaac. He supported me through Gregory's illness serendipitously having moved in for a brief while just before Gregory began the process of dying.

He came to Lieberman with me every day until Gregory passed and supported me through my initial grieving and through the two memorial events; one at the condo and one at Lieberman.

Isaac lived here in the condo with me for three months and recently moved into his own apartment. Over time, he has become not only the son of dear friends, and my God-Son, but also a friend, confidant, and just good buddy!

When we were cleaning out Gregory's room, I left most things behind for other needy residents or to be sold to employees at a good price with the money going to Lieberman. Isaac asked if he could take a shirt of Gregory's and I said yes. I assumed he wanted a keepsake.

A few nights ago, Isaac and I exchanged Christmas gifts. Turns out that Isaac had selected a shirt (unbeknownst to him) that used to be mine and a favorite. When I outgrew it, it became a favorite of Gregory's as well.

Isaac had taken the "twice favorite" shirt and made it into a pillow for my Christmas gift as a memento for me to hug when I felt sad and by which to remember Gregory.

When I first opened it, I didn't realize the above significance. I thought it was lovely and that it would go nicely with the new chair in my bedroom. Then he had me look at the accompanying card again and I realized the significance of the gift. Turns out the pillow was in effect the "twice favorite" shirt and that Gregory, in the photo on the card, was wearing the shirt during this year's Gay Pride weekend.

Obviously I was totally moved and cried at how thoughtful Isaac's gift was  and also at what a meaningful, beautiful memory it was for me.

One does not realize what one will appreciate while going through the process of losing someone who is loved so much. Isaac intuited exactly what is probably the most wonderful Christmas gift I have ever received!

Gregory wearing the "twice favorite" shirt last June during Gay Pride.

Isaac had the photograph turned into a gift card

The twice favorite shirt was made into this pillow.

All Quiet on The Western Front

My computer faces east, but my condo is west of Lake Michigan. As I sit here writing this blog, the condo is so quiet. I hear my breath. Also the whirring of the washing machine which is cleaning the sheets Colleen slept on during her visit this weekend and the humming of the dryer which is dealing with clean towels.

Isaac, my God-Son moved out of the condo on Friday into his new apartment, after three months of living here. Prior to moving in, he spent three months in Japan, after a brief respite in Chicago, following a year in Japan teaching English.

He asked if he couldn't stay here until he got back on his feet and he is currently standing tall with a good job at Boltwood Restaurant, a ten year old Audi A4 convertible (my old car,) and an apartment of his own.

He and I had agreed to the terms of his living here and we planned ahead of time, serendipitously, for him to move in on the day Gregory started his life passage. Isaac was a great support to me during that difficult time, consoled me, kept me company, sat with me at Gregory's bedside, and all-in-all became even a better God Son, friend, and buddy as we shared October, November, and half of December.

Colleen, wife of Mark Jr, and I spent a "Girl's Weekend" in Chicago. It was just her and me because Mark was traveling. Usually they both visit this time of year for our "Christmas" time together. But since it was just Colleen and me, we called it a "Girl's Weekend."

We exchanged gifts, went to the Kriskringlemarket in downtown Chicago, visited Millennium Park with its official Chicago Christmas Tree and the reflective "Bean" sculpture, had pizza for one dinner, spent the afternoon on Central Street in Evanston, and went to Uncle Guilio's for Mexican food last night.

She left early this morning and I have already begun re-claiming the condo now that she is on her way home to Michigan and Isaac is at home in his new apartment (which ironically happens to be in Gregory and my old neighborhood on Central Street.)

It is "heavy" being here alone, in this quiet with no one to entertain or distract me, with the exception of my two cats, Emma and Gigi.

Gregory is resting peacefully in Grandma Carrie's box on the bookcase shelf in the bedroom and he and I have been carrying on a conversation. About what I am not sure, we are not using words, but his presence is here as am I.

So I once again begin to adjust to Gregory's death, and to living alone with the good part being I can do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. But I am feeling sad, and missing my Gregory, and maybe he misses me.

And it is all quiet on the western front.