Your Pain Can Help Others

The Daily OM does it again:

www.dailyom.com

December 28, 2015 Using Your Pain to Help Others Healing with Hurtby Madisyn Taylor You can channel your pain into helping others and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world. Pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all of our lives to some degree. Since the hurt we feel may be a part of the experiences that have touched us most deeply, we are often loathe to let it go. It is frequently easier to keep our pain at our sides, where it acts as a shield that shelters us from others and gives us an identity—that of victim—from which we can draw bitter strength. However, pain’s universality can also empower us to use our hurt to help others heal. Since no pain is any greater or more profound than any other, what you feel can give you the ability to help bring about the recovery of individuals whose hurts are both similar to and vastly different from your own. You can channel your pain into transformative and healing love that aids you in helping individuals on a one-to-one basis and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world.  The capacity to heal others evolves naturally within those who are ready to disassociate themselves from their identity as victims. In fact, the simple decision to put aside the pain we have carried is what grants us the strength to redeem that pain through service. There are many ways to use the hurt you feel to help others. Your pain gives you a unique insight into the minds of people who have experienced trauma and heartache. You can draw from the wellspring of strength that allowed you to emerge on the other side of a painful experience and pass that strength to individuals still suffering from their wounds. You may be able to council individuals in need by showing them the coping methods that have helped you survive or simply by offering sympathy. A kinship can develop that allows you to relate more closely with those you are trying to aid and comfort.  Helping others can be a restorative experience that makes your own heart grow stronger. In channeling your pain into compassionate service and watching others successfully recover, you may feel a sense of euphoria that leads to increased feelings of self-worth and optimism. Your courageous decision to reach out to others can be the best way to declare to yourself and the world that your pain didn’t defeat you, and in fact it helped you heal.

A Love Affair

I have written about loneliness often in the past. If I thought that I was lonely as Gregory slowly was diminished by Dementia/ Alzheimer's; if I missed having a partner with whom to make decisions, to share responsibilities, to support me through our journey; it is nothing compared to the loneliness I feel now that he is dead. I now face the rest of my life without being able to talk to him, to hold him, to kiss him, to doze off in his arms.

Every time I think I have a hold on this beast called grief, it bites me, it grabs me in its jaws and thrashes me around until I am beat up, broken, and bloody. The more I grieve the more obvious the obvious becomes. My grief has nothing to do with Gregory it has to do with me. My pain, my sorrow, my fears, my loneliness.

I am not so much grieving his death as I am grieving the future of my life. I don't mean to bring you down with me. I will feel better in an hour, later today, or tomorrow. But right now the tears flow freely, and I am sad. I am not sorry that Gregory has died, I am sorry that I continue to have to live without him.

This is not a suicide thought, taking my own life is not what I mean here. More painful than that is having to wake up each morning to face the day and find meaning, purpose, and love in my life when the person who meant the most to me can no longer be part of that except in my thoughts and in my memories.

I read recently somewhere, "Can one have a love affair, a love relationship with someone else when it does not involve the human body?" I am not sure but I sure have been having trouble finding peace in myself without Gregory's presence even though he is at peace.

A Small Glimmer

Kate

Extremely moving post by friend Kate:

http://kateswaffer.com/2015/09/06/women-families-and-dementia-dam2015-day-6/#respond

Here is my reply:

Kate,

Often people will say, "I know exactly what you mean!" and it rings so false and so placating. However, again with tears blurring my view, I know so well almost everything you have discussed in this post. In some ways nothing I can say will lessen the impact and intense sadness you discuss.

Changes in relationships, socialization,  sex, movies, TV etc are the easy ones to overcome. Being the one who could still change while the other can no longer, is somewhat less easy but still OK. The slow disappearance of the person you love most in the world is the painful one.

For a long time I softened the concept of "carer" by calling Gregory and me a "Caregiving Team." I used to say to others (not expressing but feeling anger) I WASN'T a caregiver; I was a partner, a friend, a soul-mate, a lover, a spouse - and caring is what you do when you love someone.

While sometimes it was hard to separate the anger from its cause, I always knew it wasn't with Gregory that I was angry.

Fear? Yes. Worry? Yes. My own frustration and confusion? Yes.

Eventually I did become the care giver and now with the Lieberman Center Memory Care Facility in the picture I have become the secondary caregiver but I have won back quality, wonderful time together with Gregory.

It has been a difficult journey but I chose freely to walk beside Gregory on his path and somehow the love wins out, gives extra strength, helps us find the way, stifles the fear and worry, and keeps us going for those we love. It has for Gregory and I as it will for you and BUB and your family.

Fondly,
Michael

No Apologies Necessary

Kate Swaffer shares some of her thoughts, memories, and fears on being diagnosed with Dementia. The video she created is moving and will help put you in her shoes.
http://kateswaffer.com/2015/09/03/women-and-dementia-3-dam2015-day-3/

This is the reply I wrote to her:

Dear Kate,

I wish I could take all your pain, your fears, your guilt and smooth the edges. I wish I could help you focus only on the strength of your love for those around you and for all of us who have come to know you.

I wish I could help you focus only on your family's and our love for you. I want to say, "We love you as you are and as you will be. You have given us so much with your perspective and your love, let us give some measure of peace of mind back to you in exchange." 

I am barely able to type this for the tears from your video as they help me to begin to understand what Gregory must have gone through but was unable to share with me. His inability to share was due to his loss of language.

Also, I believe that the Dementia/Alzheimer’s blessedly put up a buffer to the reality of what he was going through. In addition, the safe zone in every day living which I was able to create for him gave him peace. 

So I love  him with all my heart, more each day, and say it was and  is my duty to be there for him as he always, even today, has been for me. He is not a failure, he owes no apologies, he is love. He is my life.

I have no control over the details so I will embrace him always as he is, as he will become. I love him More Than Ever (the name we together gave our trust and educational foundation.)

Gregory knows, and I often tell him, how much I love him and I hope he knows that there is nothing in our relationship, in our 40 years together, in the world that he needs to apologize or feel guilty about. 

I also know he has forgiven me my trespasses and I do not feel guilty. There are some things I would have done differently during our journey with Dementia/ Alzheimer's but I did the best I could, and everyday I learned anew, and I did it with love in my heart.

My “Intuitive" described the hole that has been torn out of my chest, around my heart; with its pain and loneliness and tears; as the sacred place where Gregory and I can still be, and always will be. together. I will not try to fill that hole, I welcome it. 

Kate, may you find peace and comfort in your great love of family and of life and may you be reminded that all things are impermanent and this can be the joy of life as you quietly sit with it today and then tomorrow. I don't "know" you Kate, but I continue to come to fall in love you!

Fondly,

Michael

Dark Night of the Soul

For me, this "Dark Night of the Soul" has to do with my finding my way, my identify, my life without Gregory being by my side. Gregory and I have never in our fourty+ year relationship merged identities. We have always grown together as well as on parallel tracks. So in many way we both have been independent as well as dependent. But this has changed, for at least 11+ years now and for sure during the last 17 months while he has been at The Lieberman Center.

He is still with me but in a greatly reduced way, in a way that I must create anew in order to be able to see and enjoy. While we are still "a couple," we do not do most things together, do not share intimate moments, do not plan or make decisions together, do not vacation together, do not laugh together while watching a TV show, do not share a meal or a bowl of popcorn, do not float on the notes of a musical piece by Chopin, do not anticipate our future.

He finds comfort in my just being there and I do in his but it is a different kind of comfort. I have no one who I can really "find a shoulder to cry on" or to share my grief, my joys, my continued hopes, my aspirations and ambitions.

So slowly I am discovering who I am and who I will be during this next phase of my life. I will survive this and the light will slowly increase in brightness. I am sure I will go through other "Dark Nights of the Soul" as Gregory continues to disappear and eventually when he dies.

Life if joyous, bright, meaningful, exciting, stimulating. Painful!

www.dailyom.com

May 20, 2015 Dark Night of the Soul Surrendering the Egoby Madisyn Taylor While we are in a dark night of the soul experience, hold steady knowing the light will appear once again. Whenever a word is overused, it is most likely being misused, and over time, it begins to lose its meaningfulness. For example, we often refer to a fleeting feeling of depression or a period of confusion, as a dark night of the soul, but neither of these things qualifies as such. A dark night of the soul is a very specific experience that some people encounter on their spiritual journeys. There are people who never encounter a dark night of the soul, but others must endure this as part of the process of breaking through to the dawn of higher consciousness. The dark night of the soul invites us to fully recognize the confines of our egos’ identity. We may feel as if we are trapped in a prison that affords us no access to light or the outside. We are coming from a place of higher knowing, and we may have spent a lot of time and energy reaching toward the light of higher consciousness. This is why the dark night has such a quality of despair: We are suddenly shut off from what we thought we had realized and the emotional pain is very real. We may even begin to feel that it was all an illusion and that we are lost forever in this darkness. The more we struggle, the darker things get, until finally we surrender to our not knowing what to do, how to think, where to turn. It is from this place of losing our sense of ourselves as in control that the ego begins to crack or soften and the possibility of light entering becomes real. Some of us will have to endure this process only once in our lives, while others may have to go through it many times. The great revelation of the dark night is the releasing of our old, false identity. We finally give up believing in this false self and thus become capable of owning and embracing the light.

Change

In reading this I say "Easier Said Than Done." But I also know that I can and am doing this. So read and decide if you can, will, or are! Michael DAILY OM Nurturing Mind Body & Spirit March 10, 2015 Make Change Work for You Useful Transformationby Madisyn Taylor When we experience change in our life we can control our response and reaction to the changes that are happening. Transformation is a universal constant that affects our lives from the moment we are born until we leave earthly existence behind. At the root of all growth, we find change. Occasionally, change and the circumstances leading up to it are a source of extraordinary joy, but more often than not they provoke feelings of discomfort, fear, or pain. Though many changes are unavoidable, we should not believe that we are subject to the whims of an unpredictable universe. It is our response to those circumstances that will dictate the nature of our experiences. At the heart of every transformation, no matter how chaotic, there is substance. When we no longer resist change and instead regard it as an opportunity to grow, we find that we are far from helpless in the face of it.  Our role as masters of our own destinies is cemented when we choose to make change work in our favor. Yet before we can truly internalize this power, we must accept that we cannot hide from the changes taking place all around us. Existence as we know it will come to an end at one or more points in our lives, making way for some new and perhaps unexpected mode of being. This transformation will take place whether or not we want it to, and so it is up to us to decide whether we will open our eyes to the blessings hidden amidst disorder or close ourselves off from opportunities hiding behind obstacles. To make change work for you, look constructively at your situation and ask yourself how you can benefit from the transformation that has taken place. As threatening as change can seem, it is often a sign that a new era of your life has begun. If you reevaluate your plans and goals in the days or weeks following a major change, you will discover that you can adapt your ambition to the circumstances before you and even capitalize on these changes. Optimism, enthusiasm, and flexibility will aid you greatly here, as there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on what might have been. Change can hurt in the short term but, if you are willing to embrace it proactively, its lasting impact will nearly always be physically, spiritually, and intellectually transformative.

Mending A Broken Heart

Hopefully I won't get into trouble for "lifting" this to share with you but I do want to highly recommend the site. I have found that their daily inspirations and horoscopes (for which you can sign up to have delivered to your e-mail for free) are more often than not excellent learning experiences. Here is another sample of one of the daily inspirations:

http://www.dailyom.com

February 25, 2015 Mending a Broken Heart Stronger for Itby Madisyn Taylor A heart that has been broken and seen pain, reveals within it, a crack that allows more light in. Heartbreak happens to all of us and can wash over us like a heavy rain. When experiencing a broken heart, our ethereal selves are saturated with grief, and the overflow is channeled into the physical body. Loss becomes a physical emptiness, and longing is transmuted into a feeling that often cannot be put into words. Mending a broken heart can seem a task so monumental that we dare not attempt it for fear of damaging ourselves further. But heartbreak, like all emotions, falls under the spell of our conscious influence. Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also leaves the most enduring mark upon us. The shock that becomes the tender, throbbing ache of the heart eventually leads us down the path of enlightenment, blessing our lives with a new depth and richness.  Acknowledging heartbreak's impermanence by no means dulls its sting for it is the sting itself that stimulates healing. The pain is letting us know that we need to pay attention to our emotional selves, to sit with our feelings and be in them fully before we can begin to heal. It is said that time heals all wounds. Time may dull the pain of a broken heart, but it is fully feeling your pain and acknowledging it that will truly help you heal. Dealing with your heartache in a healthy way rather than putting it off for tomorrow is the key to repair. Gentleness more than anything else is called for. Most important, open yourself to the possibility of loving, trusting, and believing again. When, someday soon, you emerge from the cushion of your grief, you will see that the universe did not cease to be as you nursed your broken heart. You emerge on the other side of the mending, stronger for all you have experienced.

Invisible Wounds

Invisible wounds are the hardest to heal for their closure depends on the love of others. And patience, and understanding and the tender gift of time.

From Call the Midwife, Season 3, Episode 8

Glen Cambell's Final Recording

Click on link below to hear the song:

Glen Campbell has been very public about his battle with Alzheimer’s, bravely staging a farewell tour after his diagnosis in 2011 and even allowing camera crews to capture those performances for a new documentary. Now, he has released a new single, taken from the final recording session of his career.

According to Radio.com Campbell went into the studio in January 2013, just months after his final public performance. The resulting track is ‘I’m Not Gonna Miss You,’ a rumination on everything that Alzheimer’s is slowly taking from Campbell as he enters its advanced stages. Campbell co-wrote the song with Julian Raymond and recorded it specifically for ‘Glen Campbell: I’ll Be Me,’ which is set to open in theaters in late October.

The track is both sad and almost unbearably resolute, as the singer pays a final farewell to his wife and his life while acknowledging that much of the burden for what’s ahead will not fall on him: “I’m never gonna hold you like I did / Or say ‘I love you’ to the kids / You’re never gonna see it in my eyes / It’s not gonna hurt me when you cry / I’m never gonna know what you go through / All the things I’ll say or do / All the hurt and all the pain / One thing selfishly remains / I’m not gonna miss you.”

Interspersed with scenes from Campbell’s final tour as well as flashbacks from his life, the video serves as a testament to the legend’s impact in both his musical and personal life, as well as a fitting farewell to one of the leading musical lights of his generation.

Campbell was moved to a full-time care facility in April, and his wife, Kim, has said that it is unlikely that he will ever perform in public again.

I'm still here, but yet I'm gone
I don't play guitar or sing my songs
They never defined who I am
The man that loves you 'til the end
You're the last person I will love
You're the last face I will recall
And best of all, I'm not gonna to miss you.
Not gonna miss you.
I'm never gonna hold you like I did
Or say I love you to the kids
You're never gonna see it in my eyes
It's not gonna hurt me when you cry
I'm never gonna know what you go through
All the things I say or do
All the hurt and all the pain
One thing selfishly remains
I'm not gonna miss you
I'm not gonna miss you

As I am listening over and over to Mr. Campbell singing this song, I am sobbing, howling, and wondering where can I go with this pain? Where can I go? Gregory is still so much of my life that the thought of him disappearing even more stabs my heart without mercy. And his death, while a blessing, will be intolerable for me! Hearing the loss of Alzheimer's from the affected one's point of view is beautiful, strangely comforting, realizes what a gift I have been able to be for Gregory, but makes me feel so sad and alone.

http://tasteofcountry.com/glen-campbell-final-recording-session-im-not-gonna-miss-you/

Realizing vs Forgetting

I may have blogged this one previously so bare with me:

It is NOT PAINFUL when I wake up in the middle of the night or in the early morning realizing that Gregory is not in bed with me and realizing that he no longer lives at home in the condo with me. I am slowly learning to deal with that.

It IS PAINFUL is when I wake up in the middle of the night or in the early morning forgetting that Gregory is not in bed with me and forgetting that he no longer lives at home in the condo with me.

Flow Free

Through the ordeal of Gregory's psychotic episode and hospital stay, I realized again that no matter how much I love him, the path with Alzheimer's is his and I choose to walk along side him. For a while I became so intertwined with being his caregiver, I felt responsible for everything that happened to him and forgot this separation of path. Now I am walking slightly behind him. Lieberman Center is responsible for his life, his health, his safety, he keep. I am there to help make it a little bit better, to hold his hand, and to figure out my new role as secondary caregiver. The following quote, which I just came across after some 20 years, applies:

FLOW FREE

He gulped on the last few words and broke into sobs again; and, as I did not appear to have it in me to soothe his pain, I did nothing. You reach a point at which you cannot control the event, so you stand aside and let the hurt flow free.

How Long Has This Been Going On? Ethan Mordden. Page 590. 1995.

How Many Times?

How often can I cry out to the mountains, pleading
When its weight in rocks is my life's daily pain?

Screaming NO NO NO in my sad, lonely silence
Until my throat and breathing cries NO NO NO.

Overwhelmed. Devastated. Exhausted. Sad.
Tears of blood flowing, washing down my face.

With my emotions which are no longer valid to him
But still oh so valid for me, oh so valid, oh so real.

He does not cause this, but I am brutally caused.
He does not control, this but I am cruelly controlled.

Not understanding even the words I very carefully use
Nor the explanations I still try to give, to help, to share.

We sit at the restaurant table with our closest friends
I hold his hand, stroking, trying to help him be involved.

Love cannot describe the immensity or the agony of my love
That no longer soothes but only torments and tortures.

How often can I cry out to the mountains, suffering
When its weight in rocks is my life's daily pain?

.

Drive All Suffering Into One’s Ego

Drive All Suffering Into One’s Ego
Original teaching by Pema Chödrön
February 2013 in honor of her 77^th birthday

Reinterpreted by Michael Horvich August 2013

It is hard to separate one’s ego from what one thinks of as one’s self. So this is not about blaming oneself for one’s suffering but rather one’s ego which controls self. One can do this by distinguishing between what is causing you to suffer and what is the trigger. What is the difference between the two? The cause and the catalyst.

We have preexisting propensities which are like seeds stored in the unconscientious. One acts in the same predictable way as though it is a rut one is stuck in. Someone says something that hurts your feelings for example, and it triggers a predetermined propensity to feel bad, even if what the person says is not true. Just seeing that person or remembering what they said can trigger the suffering. The person is NOT the cause, the person is the trigger.

If you want to wake up, be free of suffering, what must you learn then? You need to work with the propensity NOT the trigger. It is so easy for our attention to go to the thing which triggered the feeling not the cause of the feeling. Triggers activate preexisting propensities. One needs to look closely at the cause, at the preexisting propensity, NOT the trigger.

Often the trigger is no longer valid or in reality is not about the suffering anymore but it none-the-less triggers the preexisting propensity.

We cannot get rid of the triggers until we have studied the propensities. By allowing the triggers to “get you” you, you strengthen the propensity. Distinguish what triggers your suffering from your preexisting propensity and you weaken its power over you.

To work on this, don’t blame the propensity, recognize it and acknowledge it and be conscientious that the preexisting propensity continues to affect your suffering. It is a HUGE step when you can distinguish between the trigger and the propensity.

Let the story line go as you would do when meditating. In meditation you are focused on your breath, you have a thought, you note or recognize it, you go back to focusing on your breath. You do not have to act on your thought or give in to it. You do not have to fight it, repress it or ignore it. Just note it, recognize it, go back to your focus.

The same can be done when a someone or something triggers a pre-existing propensity. Label the feeling (propensity) when it occurs. Locate the pain that leads to the propensity. When you locate the pain, send your unconditional love. Do not blame the propensity, send love. Do not be harsh or repressive against the feeling or yourself. Use a hand gesture to the heart or the cheek as a way of sending it love. Most propensities are based on fear, fear of danger. The way to work with the fear is to help it relax by sending unconditional love.

By recognizing the propensities that are triggered and then sending unconditional love and comfort to the propensity you will help it to relax and loose its strength over you and eventually the suffering it causes.

Inevitable vs Optional

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." ~Unknown

Shut Down

Do you have any idea how lonely it is
To suffer silently?

Dinner time music is not joyful but
It covers the lack of conversation.

How many hours have I stared
At the kitchen cabinets?

As I sit in silence
Unable to look at him.

Shut down. Lonely. In pain.

Opera or Circus

There is a life
On the verge of which I seem to sit,

Which I yearn just to feel, to touch,
And not just to ache.


Where there is pain
Just under my emotional haze
That carries my sorrow
On the rounded tip of a perching tear,

There are so many events
Just about to happen or not
Which need written their stories or poems
Desperately couched in words not yet written.

There in my oftentimes desperate need
To fashion a clay understanding
A three dimensional model of my world
So I can see it, touch it,

There is the frustration and drive
To keep up with my speeding self
As a major opera house production but
also as a one ring tented circus.

My Shoulders Hurt

The Atlas from Greek mythology, carried something very heavy, possibly the weight of the world, on his shoulders. This was a punishment that came down from Zeus, king of the Gods. Atlas' punishment was meant to last forever. It is often said that Atlas carried the world on his shoulders, but it might be more accurate to say he carried the heavens on his shoulder. It presents an interesting, insoluble puzzle to try to figure out where Atlas would have to stand to carry the world on his shoulders.

For the last two weeks, both of my shoulder rotator cuffs have "gone out."  The rotator cuff is made up of the muscles and tendons in your shoulder. These muscles and tendons connect your upper arm bone with your shoulder blade. They also help hold the ball of your upper arm bone firmly in your shoulder socket. The combination results in the greatest range of motion of any joint in your body.

Needless to say the range of motion has been quite limited and the pain encountered when going through daily life activities has increased. Vicodin helps me sleep. Massage and acupuncture will help over time. Exercises and not stressing the cuffs will help. But meanwhile, ouch!

When this happened I asked myself, "Why?" I did not injure myself or do any unusual heavy lifting. Maybe I slept wrong? I do believe that a person can bring an illness on himself but I have been doing so well with carrying both the weight of Gregory and my life, that I would like to think that I have not become jealous of Atlas.

Everything I have been doing in the last two weeks takes so much more energy, there is more that I cannot do, the fact that with Gregory's situation I have to "do it all" has become painfully apparent. Literally and figuratively. Atlas can carry the weight of the world (or the heavens) on his shoulders, all I ask for is to carry it for the two of us.

To Every Thing There Is a Season

I have found that with Alzheimer's Disease, to every thing there is NO season. We all have our routines. Most of us circle around our routines with tiny changes here and there. For example, as the seasons change, our routines change. We take longer walks, we dress differently for Summer than we do for Spring. The days are longer, the nights shorter, we sleep differently. We eat differently.

My latest awareness with Gregory and the progress of his dementia is that the seasons will change anyway but he is not be able to change with them. This Spring into Summer he has not been able to gauge what to wear, how to dress based on the temperature outside. The temperature means nothing, the weather forecast means nothing.

Jeans vs shorts, long sleeve vs short sleeve, heavy jacket vs light jacket ... mean nothing. When I suggest he wear an undershirt under his over shirt, the words do not translate. If I try to explain it only complicates things. If I get up and show him, it confuses.

Here I am again at a point where I find myself saying to myself, "I don't know how to do this." The tears are back, the sadness is back, the heaviness is back. I don't know how to do this. There is no answer. I don't know how to do this.

Yesterday, while at a meeting at the museum, I called to see how he was doing. I guess he got through breakfast alright but he answered, "I am not doing well." He sounded like something was terribly wrong. He sounded ill. He sounded distraught. He finally was able to explain (remember language doesn't work too well anymore) that he just didn't know what to put on so he could go out for a walk. I tried to suggest but it only confused. Finally I said, "Honey just put on anything, go outside, and see how it feels."

"I'll figure it out," was his reply. All I could do was tell him I love him, go back to my meeting, and hope for the best.

Just now as I am writing this, he brightly showed up and wished me, "Happy Birthday!"

"Why do you think today is someone's birthday?" I gently asked.

"Did I mess up again?" he wasn't able to explain. 

"What made you think today was a birthday?"

After a thoughtful pause, "Oh, I can't go through all of that."

Turns out he thought it was his birthday (which is 7/4 and today is 6/14) but I am not sure what prompted that.

I think I'll go take a shower and cry.

The lyrics are taken almost verbatim from the Book of Ecclesiastes, as found in the King James Version of the Bible, (Ecclesiastes 3:1) though the sequence of the words was rearranged for the song. Ecclesiastes is traditionally ascribed to King Solomon.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace. With Alzheimers's ... there is only time ...

Letting Go

After the events, probably usual events, of going to bed this evening upset me I went into the closet, no lights, and cried, no longer productive nor comforting to cry in the arms of my love. And as I cried and realized why I was upset, I whispered over and over, "It is so hard to let go. It is so hard to let go. It is so hard to let go."

Then my mind said to me, "There is power in words. If you say it is hard then it will be hard!"

So I started chanting, "I am letting go. I am letting go. I am letting go." And as I chanted I became more in touch with my emotions, cried harder, cried tears, cried grief.

Maybe I can tell myself to "let go" before I get upset ... "but is is so hard." Maybe that is a good compromise, "I am letting go and it is hard."