Refocusing One's Grief

I have been thinking about this lately. And today's DailyOm, which it often does, caused me to sit down and put my thoughts into words.

The closer we get to Christmas, the more I have been grieving Gregory's death, the sadder maybe even depressed I have been feeling.

I know that this is only natural and one will be told by everyone else that we should expect this on firsts: First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First Anniversary without Gregory in January which would have been (or should I say will be) 41 years together?

But I also know that Gregory does not need me to grieve, the universe is not benefitted by my grief, God (if she exists) does not need me to grieve. I am the one who needs to grieve but if it makes me sad, unhappy, and possibly depressed; maybe I do not need to grieve as much or in the way that I am doing so.

My Grief does not make Gregory's life any more or less meaningful. My Grief will definitely not bring him back to me for even a moment or two in realtime. My Grief will not being me joy, or cheer, or good feelings, or help support my health. So I continue to question Grief.

It is as if Grief gives me permission to wallow in my sorrows, my loneliness, my "what if's," my "if only's." It is as if I allow Grief to slow me down, feel tired, feel lethargic, to not accomplish those things I want to accomplish. I allow Grief to cause me to be poor company to friends and family.

So I continue to question grief. If I can turn my Grief into a more productive activity, I will be served. Gregory will be served. The universe will be served and God (if she exists) will are served. Family and friends and my two cats, Emma and Gigi, will be served. So I continue to question grief.

I believe that if I want to believe in something, then it is true. At least for me. So I continue my conversations, my dialogues with Gregory or with Gregory's Spirit although they at times might seem like monologues. But sometimes I hear Gregory's answers. At least I hear them in my head. At least they may be coming from him, from beyond, or from my 41 years of knowing what he would say, but none-the-less they come.

And I feel at times that Gregory, or Gregory's Spirit, is sad that I am sad, unhappy that I am unhappy, misses me because I miss him. I hear him telling me to try not to be so sad because it makes him feel sad as well. And that doesn't serve Gregory in whatever his next set of adventures and spiritual growth may need.

So I have been trying to grieve less. Grieve yes but less. When I feel sad I try to change the thoughts to ones of joy. When I feel lonely, I try to remember the good times and to be grateful for them. When I feel depressed, I sit with the feelings then tell myself to move on.

By allowing myself to stay sad, stay lonely, stay depressed, I am allowing myself to wallow in my grief instead of celebrating not only Gregory's life but also my own. I am seventy years old, I have much to celebrate and will have much to celebrate yet. By grieving less I will not be wasting those precious moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years I have left.

So enjoy, not grieve. Laugh, not cry. Celebrate, not mourn. Sing and dance. I tell myself. And most of the time it works. And when it doesn't, I allow myself to sit and wallow but not for more than fifteen minutes at a time. Then I continue on continuing on.

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www.dailyom.com

December 20, 2015 Raise Your Vibration Focus on the Goodby Madisyn Taylor There are many ways to raise your vibration including thinking positive and uplifting thoughts. Everything in the universe is made of energy. What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless. Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration. We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means “vibrating very rapidly.” The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration. On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don’t want to be vibrating and why. To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress. There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation. One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly—a person, a movie, an experience. When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.

Morse

I probably have written about Morse previously but this time as I mourn his passing, I am writing his obituary. RIP Morse. July 2015.

I don't know the exact date of his passing as this is how it happens at Lieberman. One day you notice that someone is not at their usual place in the dining room and you ask about their whereabouts. Or you notice that someone is not looking or acting well today. Due to privacy requirements you usually get a whispered, "He is not feeling well." or "He is in bed today." or "He passed yesterday."

So without warning, without ceremony, when you find out that one of your Lieberman Family has died, you privately mourn their passing, you reflect on the years or months of "friendship," and you mentally light a Yahrzeit candle, the Jewish custom of lighting a special candle that burns for 24 hours.

Morse. A quiet gentleman with his black baseball cap firmly in place could often be found shuffling down the hall from point A to point B. He only spoke Russian and a little bit of Yiddish. He would always light up when he saw me getting off the elevator and wish me "Good Shabbas."

Usually "Good Shabbas" would be the greeting from Friday sundown until Saturday sundown but for Morse it was a 24/7 kind of greeting. To him it was like saying, "Hello." or "Good to see you." or "Take care." or "I love you!" We also used "Zei Gazunt" meaning "Be Healthy!"

One time while I was waiting for Gregory to return from physical therapy, Morse and I had a sit down and a ten or fifteen minute discussion. It was totally in Russian as Morse told me his stories. If he frowned as he talked, I did as well. If he seemed happy as he talked, I smiled.

I didn't reply as Morse didn't seem to need me to reply, he just needed me to listen to his stories as he spoke (or for all I knew babbled) in Russian. And a good thing this was since I do not speak Russian! We both enjoyed the conversation and when I had to take my leave, I wished him "Good Shabbas" and in return he wished me"Good Shabbas."

Now, Morse, rest in peace and "Good Shabbas" to you.

Betty

Almost every day, Vera brought Marvin to Lieberman to visit Betty. Marvin is blind, walks with a white cane, and presents a sophisticated, educated, friendly air. He always recognized my, "Hi Marvin," even though he could not see me clearly.

He would comment on how young Gregory was and how good looking. He wondered if I was his father but didn't flinch when I told him I has Gregory's life partner. "How wonderful!" he said at finding out we just celebrated our 39th anniversary. "Babies," he said, "Ours is 75."

Sometimes Betty was in a good mood and the six of us would chat. (Marvin, Betty, Vera, Gregory, Manny, and me.) Other times she was unhappy, complaining, and argumentative with Marvin. But Marvin loved her and would always answer "Pretty well!" when I asked how he was doing.

Vera was Betty's helper but also helped Marvin. She would pick him up at home, bring him to Lieberman, take him back home after his visit, and return to be with Betty, then get back to help Marvin by evening.

The difficult part is that one comes to love these people, this community of Alzheimer's design. One comes to look forward to seeing them every day, to having the same narrow conversation, to feel part of the community.

Then one day a laminated blue Dove is flying on an 81/2 x 11 piece of white cardboard hung on the door of their room. Sometimes you don't get even that much warning. You commiserate, you hold back your emotions, you are supportive. You offer your wishes for the best.

This is the unspoken way of dealing with an imminent death. In a few days the room is empty and the partner no longer comes to Lieberman. The helper is no longer there to smile at. You do not get the chance to say you are sorry, or goodbye, or even it's been nice.

You move on but the emotions follow for a few days until the next person occupies that room. And the cycle begins again. For a week, or a month or maybe for years the cycle repeats. But it circles and you continue until your own loved one's room flies its Dove.

Safe travels Betty. In your small way, I'll miss you. Thank you for the reminder that there are happy endings.

Reality Check

Hey, I woke up this morning. I can see. I can hear. I can smell. I can taste. I can touch. I can get up early and make coffee. Before JRC I can drive to McDonalds so we can have a fast breakfast of Egg McMuffins. I can drive to JRC, a Jewish Temple in Evanston to attend Sabbath services and to witness our friend Jan's first ever reading of the Torah as part of those services.

I can take a nap with both kitties joining me: one purring in my groin, the other draped across my neck and face. (P.S. The kitties are in favor again. Perhaps my niece Colleen's support helped me to look at them with new eyes.)

I can talk on the phone with a close friend John about life, love, Alz, God, religion, Judaism vs Catholicism, opera, kitties, art, creativity, and more.

I can look forward to some kind of dinner and then a movie on NETFLIX. I can look forward to a good night's sleep and to an empty day tomorrow, waiting to be filled - both the day and me.

So if my last few posts have given you impression that I am "in trouble," you were correct. But if you know me well enough, you also know that I recover pretty easily and pretty quickly. My psychic said, "You are resiliant!" She didn't know how right on she was ... or did she?

This was one of today's prayers at JRC. Fitting! A huge list of temple members who are ill was read.

Next, the Kaddish was said for a HUGE list of JRC members or family who have passed away.

Puts a proper perspective on life and the living, doesn't it? P.S. Sometimes "complete healing of body and soul" might mean not in this life as we know it. But none the less healing and peace.

Suffering

A lovely quote posted by Lily on Facebook: 


"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh




(Pictured: Anne and Charles Lindbergh)