An Apology

I apologize for being impatient.
I apologize for loosing my temper.
I apologize for raging at you.
I apologize for being violent with you.
(Read less than kind. Read abrupt.)
I apologize for saying unkind things.
I apologize for being mean.

I love you, never doubt that.
And I know that you love me.
I just don't love myself right now.

I took a vow of silence yesterday and for a day or two. This may seem like being melodramatic but if I am going to cope with Gregory's continued decline, especially his current digestive illness, I need to get a grip on myself and be the kind, loving, gentle caregiver partner that I know I am.

I used the above apology and explained that I would be here for him, to help him, to love him, but that I was going to take a vow of silence because that would prevent me from getting upset and therefore upsetting him.

If I can't show or demonstrate it, I will do what he needs done. This will help me avoid having to use words. I will not need to apologize for the above listed reactions that I have been working at controlling.

Just now he brought me his glass of water, ready to take his pills. "Is this enough?" he asked referring to how much water was in the glass. Bringing him with me, I took the glass into the kitchen, filled it with more water, said not a word. He headed back to the bedroom. I tapped him, gestured at the now full glass of water and he got the picture. Success. This time.

With my vow of silence, I have been more aware of talking to myself in my head. Perhaps this will lessen the time between the triggering of an emotion and my reaction.

Grateful Series

Although this BLOG is my place to process, rant, and share; I keep telling myself that I should write as well about things when they feel good, are going well, are successful.

Today, I am grateful that Gregory was able to get most of his breakfast together. I really mean it. He came and appropriately asked for help when he couldn't figure out how to get the fish out of the open tin and onto his crackers, he wasn't sure what was missing in his bowl of cereal and fruit that was lacking the soy milk, and he needed help figuring out that a tea bag is necessary with hot water.

But I really am grateful that he asked for help, did most everything else without my help, that I did not loose my patience, that my voice while helping was even, loving, and respectful, and that I do not feel like a train wreck. It's going to be a good day!