All I Want For Christmas

Refocusing One's Grief

I have been thinking about this lately. And today's DailyOm, which it often does, caused me to sit down and put my thoughts into words.

The closer we get to Christmas, the more I have been grieving Gregory's death, the sadder maybe even depressed I have been feeling.

I know that this is only natural and one will be told by everyone else that we should expect this on firsts: First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First Anniversary without Gregory in January which would have been (or should I say will be) 41 years together?

But I also know that Gregory does not need me to grieve, the universe is not benefitted by my grief, God (if she exists) does not need me to grieve. I am the one who needs to grieve but if it makes me sad, unhappy, and possibly depressed; maybe I do not need to grieve as much or in the way that I am doing so.

My Grief does not make Gregory's life any more or less meaningful. My Grief will definitely not bring him back to me for even a moment or two in realtime. My Grief will not being me joy, or cheer, or good feelings, or help support my health. So I continue to question Grief.

It is as if Grief gives me permission to wallow in my sorrows, my loneliness, my "what if's," my "if only's." It is as if I allow Grief to slow me down, feel tired, feel lethargic, to not accomplish those things I want to accomplish. I allow Grief to cause me to be poor company to friends and family.

So I continue to question grief. If I can turn my Grief into a more productive activity, I will be served. Gregory will be served. The universe will be served and God (if she exists) will are served. Family and friends and my two cats, Emma and Gigi, will be served. So I continue to question grief.

I believe that if I want to believe in something, then it is true. At least for me. So I continue my conversations, my dialogues with Gregory or with Gregory's Spirit although they at times might seem like monologues. But sometimes I hear Gregory's answers. At least I hear them in my head. At least they may be coming from him, from beyond, or from my 41 years of knowing what he would say, but none-the-less they come.

And I feel at times that Gregory, or Gregory's Spirit, is sad that I am sad, unhappy that I am unhappy, misses me because I miss him. I hear him telling me to try not to be so sad because it makes him feel sad as well. And that doesn't serve Gregory in whatever his next set of adventures and spiritual growth may need.

So I have been trying to grieve less. Grieve yes but less. When I feel sad I try to change the thoughts to ones of joy. When I feel lonely, I try to remember the good times and to be grateful for them. When I feel depressed, I sit with the feelings then tell myself to move on.

By allowing myself to stay sad, stay lonely, stay depressed, I am allowing myself to wallow in my grief instead of celebrating not only Gregory's life but also my own. I am seventy years old, I have much to celebrate and will have much to celebrate yet. By grieving less I will not be wasting those precious moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years I have left.

So enjoy, not grieve. Laugh, not cry. Celebrate, not mourn. Sing and dance. I tell myself. And most of the time it works. And when it doesn't, I allow myself to sit and wallow but not for more than fifteen minutes at a time. Then I continue on continuing on.

• • •

www.dailyom.com

December 20, 2015 Raise Your Vibration Focus on the Goodby Madisyn Taylor There are many ways to raise your vibration including thinking positive and uplifting thoughts. Everything in the universe is made of energy. What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless. Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration. We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means “vibrating very rapidly.” The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration. On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don’t want to be vibrating and why. To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress. There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation. One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly—a person, a movie, an experience. When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.

Holiday Grief and Balance

As I have been told, there will be many firsts in life. Usually firsts are to be celebrated. I am looking for a way to celebrate my first Christmas in 40 years without Gregory. Not pushing myself to think about how I'll spend the actual holiday. Maybe I'll spend it at Lieberman, Gregory's last home, spreading joy to the residents?

I have decorated the condo for the holiday but minimally when compared to previous years. I have not baked any cookies but my taste buds are trying to convince me to make at least a few. Haven't purchased many gifts for people but will make my Ina Garten's Rosemary Cashews as gifts for family and friends.

Rang in the season at Roger's annual Christmas party on December 5th. Enjoyed the Christkindlmarket in downtown Chicago which my niece Colleen Maire.We bought German glass ornaments, ate potato pancakes with sour cream and apple sauce, and munched a Bratwurst. Bought myself a new computer and have been enjoying using it in and organizing my new office, the table in the living room which used to be Gregory's workspace. Looking forward to finishing the reading corner in the bedroom, replacing the computer desk that used to be in there, with a comfy chair, lamp, and additional bookcase

Will probably spend dinner with various friends over the next weeks and look forward to that. Bought but haven't wrapped new mice for Emma and Gigi. Feeling the joy of Christmas on one shoulder and Gregory's absence on the other. But somehow that creates a balance.

I will continue to grieve for a while yet ... but slowly, very slowly I am being able to think about past memories, both happy and sad, with both joy and sorrow, while carving the path of my future. 

Four Years Ago

If you are a fan of Facebook, you will know that they periodically show you a photo you posted in the past. This was taken four years ago at the Shakespeare Theater on Navy Pier. See the Ferris Wheel in the reflection. Both the wheel and Gregory have moved on to other places.

Perspective Changes

Interesting how one's perceptions of life change when an important person in one's life dies.

When my mom and dad died, I wrestled with how someone could be here today and gone tomorrow. Wondered where that energy went. Wonder where our time together went from my being a child, to a teenager, to a young adult, to a full grown adult (if one ever becomes full grown.)

I missed them. I grieved not only their death but what I considered the missed opportunities for parent/son relationships and how different it could have been if they were different, if I was different. 

Acknowledged that I was grateful for many opportunities they did provide and for the love that existed. Acknowledged that they did the best job of parenting that they could and that I did the best job of "offspringing" that I could.

Now, with Gregory's passing, my perceptions of time have been shifting and the shift has caused me to do some deeper thinking.

Gregory and I lived, and we worked at living well for twelve years, with his diagnosis of Dementia/Alzheimer's. At times our life felt normal and at times we also felt like we were living on a roller coaster as his needs confounded, our interactions became surreal, his abilities failed and resurfaced only to finally fail again.

Now when I think about those twelve years, it feels like minutes. At the time it felt like forever, but now that the confusion, frustration, anger, sorrow, fear, etc no longer exists, it feels like moments.

Gregory spent the last 18 months of his life at the Lieberman Center for Health and Rehabilitation on the Alzheimer's Special Care Unit. At the time it was a day in and day out activity. Grateful to Manny for providing not only care and safety for Gregory but also for the love, socialization, and life enrichment he provided on a day to day basis.

When Gregory's health needed extra attention or his medications needed rebalancing or when his difficult behaviors needed a look see; my life would feel topsy turvy. But once the Lieberman nurses, doctors, hospice care, and I did our problem solving; things settled down for both Gregory and me.

Now, with Gregory on his next adventure, without my daily visits, and the Care Conferences, and the monitoring of his daily needs and treatment;  it feels like Lieberman was but a breath.

During the three days it took Gregory to die, I saved many vivid, sometimes difficult and sometimes joyful, memories of the process. None-the-less it feels like those three days were shrouded by a certain numbness. 

The planning of two tributes for Gregory was easy. Gregory's Memorial at the condo (attended by over 100 family and friends) was gratifying and consoling as was the Lieberman Memorial to thank them for their care and support (attended by over 150 staff, residents, and families at Lieberman the following week.)

Now, when I think of Gregory, it feels like his dying was but an instant and at the same time that he has always been dead, when if fact it is just over two months since he died. Strange feeling - ALWAYS been dead.

The thoughts which next occupy my mind then ... based on Gregory and my twelve years seeming like a moment, and his Lieberman stay feeling like a breath, and his death feeling like not only an instant but also forever ... are that my life, now, will last just a few moments longer with the lesson being that I must live each day to its fullest doing things that matter to me, spreading joy and love whenever I can, and doing the best I can without being too unforgiving of myself and my weaknesses and being forgiving of others. 

• • •

In this thinking and these awarenesses, I focus on the buddhist teachings which explain that our suffering is based on permanent attachment to things which are ever changing. Nothing is permanent. 

Thus early Buddhism declares that in this world there is nothing that is fixed and permanent. Every thing is subject to change and alteration. "Decay is inherent in all component things," declared the Buddha and his followers accepted that existence was a flux, and a continuous becoming.

According to the teachings of the Buddha, life is comparable to a river. It is a progressive moment, a successive series of different moments, joining  together to give the impression of one continuous flow. It moves from cause to cause, effect to effect, one point to another, one state of existence to another, giving an outward impression that it is one continuous and unified movement, where as in reality it is not. The river of yesterday is not the same as the river of today. The river of this moment is not going to be the same as the river of the next moment. So does life. It changes continuously, becomes something or the other from moment to moment.

Take for example the life of an individual. It is a fallacy to believe that a person would remain the same person during his entire life time. He changes every moment. He actually lives and dies but for a moment, or lives and dies moment by moment, as each moment leads to the next. A person is what he is in the context of the time in which he exists. It is an illusion to believe that the person you have seen just now is the same as the person you are just now seeing or the person whom you are seeing now will be the same as the person you will see after a few moments. 

Even from a scientific point of view this is true. We know cell divisions take place in each living being continuously. Old cells in our bodies die and yield place continuously to the new ones that are forming. Like the waves in a sea, every moment, many thoughts arise and die in each individual . Psychologically and physically he is never the same all the time. Technically speaking, no individual is ever composed of the same amount of energy. Mental stuff and cellular material all the time. He is subject to change and the change is a continuous movement.

Impermanence and change are thus the undeniable truths of our existence. What is real is the existing moment, the present that is a product of the past, or a result of the previous causes and actions. Because of ignorance, an ordinary mind conceives them all to be part of one continuous reality. But in truth they are not.

The various stages in the life of a man, the childhood, the adulthood, the old age are not the same at any given time. The child is not the same when he grows up and becomes a young man, nor when the latter turns into an old man. The seed is not the tree, though it produces the tree, and the fruit is also not the tree, though it is produced by the tree.

Taken from: 

http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma8/imperm.htmlhttp://www.urbandharma.org/udharma8/imperm.html

A Great Adventure

The book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief, by Martha Whitmore Hickman, was recommended to me by Corinne Peterson, my yoga teacher and guru.

When I come across a particular salient passage, I will share it here with you. I highly suggest the book if you are currently, or will be dealing with death and loss.

Even as I stood there, the tears streaming down my face, I felt a kind of joy for him, a strange gayety almost, that he would so soon be released, and I had a sense that he stood now on the threshold of some great adventure ... so it was in a strange way not only a time of terrible sorrow, but a moment of light, as I stood there telling him goodbye.

Christmas 2015

This year’s abbreviated Christmas decorations. Needed to do something but with Gregory not here to help me celebrate, didn’t want to go all out. Feeling good (even while sad) about the season of joy. I have much for which to be joyful!

Grief and Loss

Started a new yoga series with my "guru" Corinne Peterson, Click here to visit her site. (Opens in a new window.)

The ten session class was scheduled to run through the holiday season beginning two weeks before Thanksgiving and ending after the New Year. Corinne did it this way because for people dealing with grief and loss, the holidays are most often a very difficult time.

The first session consisted of sharing a little about why each of us were there, Yoga stretching and movement, focus on breathing, and a thirty minute guided meditation.

The energy in the room was heavy as people shared their reasons for signing up for the series and what they hoped to gain by attending. The the sense of community began to build almost immediately and as we moved into the Yoga and Meditation, I could almost sense, if only a tiny bit, the beginnings of healing for many of us there or at least leaving the grief behind for a brief period of time.

When asked to establish an intention for the session's practice, I looked into myself and came up with, "You need to re-establish you connection to JOY!" When I spent time at Lieberman visiting Gregory and the other residents I always felt so much joy at my ability to bring joy to others.

I felt joy helping a resident put the cloth napkin around their neck or  getting them another glass of juice or helping to cut up the food into bite size pieces. I felt joy at providing treats of chocolate, licorice, cookies, and more to Gregory and to the staff who dropped by his room to help or just to say "Hi" and grab a mini Butterfinger or Babe Ruth.

I felt joy during the resident's arts and crafts activities or the sing-alongs or the rhythm bands. I felt joy kissing Gregory or telling Martha, "I love you!" with her giggling and saying "You probably tell that to all the girls!" I felt joy clapping along to the Sunday Concert performers or helping to pass out cookies and juice to the attendees.

While I still feel joy in my daily life, the dosage is not large enough. So I need to think about how I can put more back into my life. Thank you Corinne. See you next session!

Happy Anniversary

On today, which the one month anniversary of Gregory's passing, I am doing really well and honestly believe that I am allowing my emotions to visit as they need. Every now and then I am overwhelmed (expected) with missing him. Every now and then I will have a memory that triggers my tears. Once and a while I will miss not being able to experience an adventure with him.

But for the most part I feel good and joy is the pervasive emotion. I find myself talking to him, feeling his presence, and sometimes (if only in my mind?) he responds or takes my hand or we laugh together.

In some ways, thinking about and understanding Death makes no sense so why think about it or try to understand it? Death is mysterious, it is magical, it is scary. But Life does make sense and at least one can try to understand it. Life too is mysterious, it too is magical, it too is scary ... but at least one can live it and experience it. Death not so much!

When I am down, I think about Gregory no longer having to deal with Alzheimer's and my being free to pursue the next chapter in my life. The realization that all of his dementia difficulties and limitations went "poof" when he left his corporal body was amazing to me and gives me peace of mind.

By the last few years of Gregory's and my life, Dementia/ Alzheimer's was the dominant partner in our relationship. All decisions, activities, and time spent together was interpreted through it. We both made the best of the situation, developed new ways of interacting, and were able to spent time IN THE MOMENT with great love and joy.

My life is almost fully functioning once again. I know that I still have a way to go to fully open outward. As Gregory's life became more insulated and safe and narrow, so did mine. Growth continued for both of us. His was more towards patience and receiving, mine was more towards patience and giving.

We both learned more about being in the moment. In many ways my world became about him. Now I can begin to look at my world in relation to the world. It is a little scary but I am ready.

A lot of this sounds "trite" but is true. Short of poetry, when discussing death and life and love, all the possible word combinations have been written and rarely do you read anything totally original. So let these words try to comfort you anyway (and me.)

To celebrate the one month anniversary of Gregory's death, I lit a yahrzeit candle, will visit the residents I've come to love at Lieberman Center, and will go out to dinner with Isaac, God Son.

Where in the Hell is Matt?

These videos by Matt Harding are joyful and hopeful, as well as entertaining. In a world that seemingly continues to be a difficult place to live, we get to see that in so many ways we, each individual on earth, are all the SAME!



Check here to go to Matt's site:
http://www.wherethehellismatt.com

Medically Speaking

Every now and then when least expected
The wound that is Dementia/Alzheimer's
reopens and I bleed again a little more.

It will probably never heal completely
And I do not expect or hope for it to do so
The pain does become a little more bearable.

The reality of it and the implications hit
When I lease expect it and I have no one
With whom to cry; no bang my fists, sob, howl.

The one person who used to help me cope
Is inadvertently the one person who now
Is the reason for the emotions, the sorrow.

He is still able to help but in a different way
In a very different capacity so now I must
In most ways be strong for him, for me, for us.

I am more quickly able to staunch the flow of pain
And get back to experiencing and acknowledging
The good and joy in my life carried on sorrow's shoulders.

What Really Matters?

July 24, 2015 Going Deep Self-Examination At Depth by Madisyn Taylor To reach the depth we wish to access, we must dive below layers to the deepest parts of ourselves. There are times when life urges us to seek more. Small changes to our comfort zone may fail to alleviate any sense of stagnancy or frustration, and we may need to examine our lives and ourselves more deeply to find the right place to start. Everything we need for success and joy lies within. But so often, life’s debris accumulates, building layers around our core that makes it difficult to access the truth that resides within. To reach the depth we wish to access, we must dive below these layers to the deepest parts of ourselves. The first layer can be found in our minds. Our to-do lists and busy work are usually less important than we think, so we must look past them to examine the thoughts that matter most to us. The next layer can be found in our hearts, where past hurts and disappointments can sometimes cover up our vulnerabilities, as well as the truth of who and what really stirs the love within us. We can choose to go even deeper – to our center. If we can go beyond anything has affected us to the point that it blocks us at the gut level, we can reconnect with our power, our raw instincts, our organic yeses. Here, at the core, lies our truth. Our core is our foundation that supports us and what we’d like to build our authentic life upon.  When we examine ourselves to these depths, we are able to find what we wish to bring to the surface and what we wish to let go. When we remember what lies beneath our layers, we can look at what was floating on the surface, causing blocks and pains, and understand the purpose that they served. Oftentimes, it is the built up debris that causes us to go deeper, so we can search for the truth. Go deep, live life from your truth within, and watch your innate beauty manifest outward. • • • I have been able to do this as the result of one of the many gifts that Gregory's Dementia /Alzheimer's has given me. What I have discovered living at my deepest self, my truth within, my center is to be able to love my Gregory just as he is today without holding on to the past, to be able to still bring him joy in small ways at a level that makes sense to him, not necessarily that makes sense to me, and to share the JOY I know with as many people as who will accept it: family, friends, acquaintances, Lieberman staff and residents, people I pass on the street. I am optimistic, upbeat, calm, and always smiling inside and I will make sure that shows through on the outside.

Celebrating from Afar

Today is Gregory's birthday. He is a Fourth of July Baby. We celebrate him with days off from work, picnics, fireworks, and birthday cake. We celebrate him no less today than yesterday, just differently.

I baked two pans of Brownies with walnuts yesterday and will put them in the staff office today, one for each shift, in honor of his birthday.

Yesterday, with Gregory's help (or at least he watched as I worked and explained) I decorated the dining room by adding small American flags to the flower vases on each table. Manny poked one flag in the back of Gregory's chair.

I bought three mini-bund cakes; one for Gregory- chocolate chocolate chip, one for me - lemon, and one for Manny - marble choclate. We will put a candle in Gregory's, sing the birthday song (he usually sings along,) and see if he will blow it out (if not we will help.) Then we will pig out on the cakes. Maybe we'll cut them into thirds and share the flavors! We will add boxed milk (from Gregory's refrigerator) to the mix.

I will tell Gregory that I love him at least a dozen times. He may or may not respond.

"Gregory?"
"What?"
"I love you!"
"I know" or "OK" or "Yes" or "I love you" or a laugh or nothing
"You make me very happy!"
"I know" or "OK" or a laugh or nothing.

He may or may not give me a kiss when asked. Sometimes he will lean in towards me and give me the kiss. If he doesn't, I will lean in toward him, I go in carefully because recently my glasses were accidentally broken when he push me away.

One time he leaned in and gave me a kiss on the lips while putting his arm around me. He finished the kiss backing off a little, looked at me me and asked, "More?" and we leaned in for a second kiss. He backed off again and asked "Again?" and we leaned back in for a third kiss. It was magic. Another Momentary Monumental Magical Miracle!

Sometimes when we go through this routine I whisper and he whispers back! So whatever his response, the message gets delivered up to a dozen times depending on the length of our visit or what activities we are pursuing.

So it will be different, but none-the-less important to both Gregory and me and Manny, as we celebrate his July 4th birthday today.

Here are some photographs of the occasion:

Here is a video of the Birthday Song.

Reminders

Healing and tears are a constant that help to remind us that we are alive.

Joy, even though carried on the shoulders of Sorrow, also reminds us of this.

A Quote

We measure lives not in time
But in grace-
In the joy with which they lived
And in the love-
Which they leave behind.
~ Anonymous

Gay Marriage

Today from the Supreme Court of The United States. I have no words to express my feelings but plenty of tears. "In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were," Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote in the opinion of the court. "It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. ... Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization's oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right."

The tears are double sided. Being able to get married but choosing not to is so much more wonderful than not being able to get married and wishing you could. I do not mean to diminish the importance of this historic decision by the Supreme Court but for Gregory and me to get married would mean financial disaster for us due to his being ineligible for Medicaid until all of our hard earned and invested monies were depleted.

Bluntly, the poor are taken care of by the state or die, the very wealthy never have had to worry about health care, the middle class takes care of itself until bankrupted. 

Sound Bites

I have found that I enjoy creating summarizing, 
poetic 'sound bites' to describe various parts of my life.

My current sound bites include: 

JOY and HOPE are back 
but it is still too soon
to LIVE LARGE. 

I have great JOY
but carried on the shoulders
of great SORROW.

Finally,

When describing our life I say,
Gregory is 'even'
and I am 'balanced.'

GIVING allows me such JOY
And what does it cost? Little!

Today at Lieberman

As I got off the elevator, having come from the dentist to visit Gregory, he and Manny were headed towards me on their way to the dining room for dinner.

"Oh, FATHER, you are here!" blurted Gregory with a huge smile of joy on his face and his arms outstretched in my direction.

Alzheimer's: A Love Story

Watched second rough cut of "Alzheimer's: A Love Story."

Cried.

Watched it a second and third time.

Cried.

Gabe, Monica, Amanda, and Riani did a fine job of condensing 40+ years of love and 11+ years of walking the path of Alzheimer's into a 15 minute documentary! Not an easy job. But when you watch it, you will see, it is all about one thing: LOVE!

Next step is for me to attend the screening in LA. As I find out more about PBS and other film festivals, I will keep you posted here. Eventually I will be hosting a screening at the Lieberman Center and at my condo. Finally it will be available here on the blog.

Hopefully the documentary will not only shed more light on Alzheimer's and the JOY carried on the shoulders of SORROW that it brings, but also on same sex couples who are walking the same path that Gregory and I have been on.

External vs Internal

Funny how internal JOY stays but external JOY fades. The Carnival was great but is over. I can pull up the JOY we experienced there but the "here and now" seems to take over and the past JOY fades. I guess that external JOY must be a transient thing that continuously needs to be refilled to be noticed. When internalized, JOY goes unnoticed but helps to shape your day, your attitude, your behavior, and makes it OK to be alive.

JOY - joy |joi| nouna feeling of great pleasure and happiness: tears of joy | the joy of being alive.