But for the most part I feel good and joy is the pervasive emotion. I find myself talking to him, feeling his presence, and sometimes (if only in my mind?) he responds or takes my hand or we laugh together.
In some ways, thinking about and understanding Death makes no sense so why think about it or try to understand it? Death is mysterious, it is magical, it is scary. But Life does make sense and at least one can try to understand it. Life too is mysterious, it too is magical, it too is scary ... but at least one can live it and experience it. Death not so much!
When I am down, I think about Gregory no longer having to deal with Alzheimer's and my being free to pursue the next chapter in my life. The realization that all of his dementia difficulties and limitations went "poof" when he left his corporal body was amazing to me and gives me peace of mind.
By the last few years of Gregory's and my life, Dementia/ Alzheimer's was the dominant partner in our relationship. All decisions, activities, and time spent together was interpreted through it. We both made the best of the situation, developed new ways of interacting, and were able to spent time IN THE MOMENT with great love and joy.
My life is almost fully functioning once again. I know that I still have a way to go to fully open outward. As Gregory's life became more insulated and safe and narrow, so did mine. Growth continued for both of us. His was more towards patience and receiving, mine was more towards patience and giving.
We both learned more about being in the moment. In many ways my world became about him. Now I can begin to look at my world in relation to the world. It is a little scary but I am ready.
A lot of this sounds "trite" but is true. Short of poetry, when discussing death and life and love, all the possible word combinations have been written and rarely do you read anything totally original. So let these words try to comfort you anyway (and me.)
To celebrate the one month anniversary of Gregory's death, I lit a yahrzeit candle, will visit the residents I've come to love at Lieberman Center, and will go out to dinner with Isaac, God Son.
"As Gregory's life became more insulated and safe and narrow, so did mine. Growth continued for both of us. His was more towards patience and receiving, mine was more towards patience and giving.
ReplyDeleteWe both learned more about being in the moment. In many ways my world became about him. Now I can begin to look at my world in relation to the world. It is a little scary but I am ready."
I am getting ready too, and feel so torn... <3
A recent post of mine talked about all of Gregory's Dementia/ Alzheimer's difficulties going "poof" when he left his corporal body. While it was hard for me to accept his leaving, I could not be "selfish" to think it was all about me. He knew that I would be OK! One of my sayings is: "If one truly embraces the wonders of life, than one must truly embrace the wonders of death. They are both an even part of the continuum." My heart is with you Susan.
DeleteDear Michael,
ReplyDeleteLike so much of your writing about your loving relationship with Gregory through good and difficult times, your description of the one month anniversary is so similar to what I felt. You are ready to move on with life while you are filled with the positive memories of the incredibly, loving years you spent with Gregory. How truly fortunate we have been even continuing into the "grieving" times.
Love and hugs,
Barbara
Thanks Barbara. I truly value our relationship as family, friends, and fellow Alzheimer's advocates.
DeleteLove to you Michael. Mazeltov.
ReplyDeleteI still feel anniversaries now & then, 14 years after Betty's death (my late partner, 23 years my elder).
Now & then I do invoke her spirit, her courage, her "no holes barred" way of seeing the world. It helps me see clear.
I know too that this amazing woman that I now share my life with, Veda (Blossom Rock), will leave me filled with the glorious sound of her voice lulling me to sleep, and her smile, her anticipation of each new day, her exclamations of delight at the wild birds flying down the valley at dawn, whether she can make a sound then or not, will rock my soul. 💜
Lynda, I do believe that we never can be left behind by or leave behind those we love. They live on in a sacred place in our hearts that both contains our love and our pain. There we can still be together as the love continues to grow and the pain begins to lessen.
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