Gregory

Gregory is not feeling well today. Bad cold, fever, cough. He has slept most of the day and has been unable to eat or drink because he is so sleepy and therefore unable to swallow. He is unresponsive but I spent a long time talking to him anyway and kissing his face and holding his hand. I am grateful that he is resting comfortably.

Manny has been sitting with him, holding Gregory's hand, cooing and petting him. Swabs help keep Gregory's mouth moist. If Gregory wakes up we will try juices. I visited for a couple hours, left for a couple more, then returned.

Emotions are close to the surface as Gregory enters the possible beginning of the end. If this congestion/ cough and fever turns into pneumonia, it could take him. I have decided (as Gregory and I discussed life/ death issues when he was able) by extension that we will not administer antibiotics.

If he is able to survive this bout, it means he is not ready to leave us. If he does leave us, I see it as his decision that he is ready. We have been through this before, last winter, but this time it surprised me anyway.

He and I discussed this last time he was ill and today we had our "Birds and the Bee's" talk again. Although this time, I do not know if he heard me or not.
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Meanwhile everyone involved will do what we can to help Gregory be comfortable and he continues to be loved (by all who come in contact with him,) safe, and well taken care of.

The Lieberman medical team are on top of his needs, the nurse manager and floor nurses checked in with me, his hospice nurse visited twice today, I got a call from the hospice social worker, and his Lieberman social worker dropped in several times today. Even Marti who used to be his nurse dropped by as did our activities director and some visitors from the life enrichment team. The floor nurses and his CNAs will check on him every hour or so.

Time will tell. I will keep you up to date. Boy I love that man!

A Blankie

When Greg gets tired and needs to nap. I always cover him with a blanket. I think it feels more comfortable and nap like, whether in bed or a wheel chair, to be under a blanket.

Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty

Gregory and I have been watching all of the episodes from the last seven years of "The Big Bang Theory." Sometimes we watch three for four episodes in one sitting. The show is about a friendship between four young scientists, each of whom is more eccentric than the next. Penny, who lives across the hall, becomes part of their group, and various other characters come and go over the seasons. 

Most often each episode is OVER THE TOP or VERBALLY SEXUALLY EXPLICIT or   SILLY or IRONIC or TOUCHING or ALL OF THE ABOVE put together!

In one episode, Sheldon (who is probably the most neurotic, psychotic, paranoid, self centered, and a general pain in the ass to live with) is sick. He explains to Penny that his mother used to sing "Soft Kitty" to him when he was sick and asks if she would sing it to him.

The beautiful thing about the relationship between all of the characters is that no matter how obnoxious or rude they are to each other and those around them, eventually their love and caring for each other  always shines through.

I find I am greatly attracted to the song and at one point began singing it. Gregory always raises a fuss when I sing the song ... but I sing anyway. I have taken to singing it to him when we go to bed at night. So why am I engaged with this little "jingle?"

I think that at heart, we are all frightened little boys (or girls) looking for someone or something to comfort ourselves. I think that life is overwhelming and often seems out of control and we are looking for a little peace of mind.

In my situation with Gregory, I find that I have no one to comfort me. Apologies to my family and friends reading this. I know that you care, that your are supportive, that you are there for Gregory and me. But when I get really sad, there is no one who can really rock me, hold me, comfort me, let me know everything will be OK, dry my tears; like my Gregory used to ... or my mommy ... but one of them is gone now and one is slowly leaving.

And yet, there is a lot of Gregory still here and even though his Alzheimer's is what is causing my sadness, I do not blame him or love him less. And therefore I guess I comfort myself as I comfort him by singing:

Soft Kitty

Warm Kitty

Little ball of fur

Happy Kitty

Sleepy Kitty

Purr Purr Purr

Click here to hear "Soft Kitty" on U-Tube.

Reality Check

Hey, I woke up this morning. I can see. I can hear. I can smell. I can taste. I can touch. I can get up early and make coffee. Before JRC I can drive to McDonalds so we can have a fast breakfast of Egg McMuffins. I can drive to JRC, a Jewish Temple in Evanston to attend Sabbath services and to witness our friend Jan's first ever reading of the Torah as part of those services.

I can take a nap with both kitties joining me: one purring in my groin, the other draped across my neck and face. (P.S. The kitties are in favor again. Perhaps my niece Colleen's support helped me to look at them with new eyes.)

I can talk on the phone with a close friend John about life, love, Alz, God, religion, Judaism vs Catholicism, opera, kitties, art, creativity, and more.

I can look forward to some kind of dinner and then a movie on NETFLIX. I can look forward to a good night's sleep and to an empty day tomorrow, waiting to be filled - both the day and me.

So if my last few posts have given you impression that I am "in trouble," you were correct. But if you know me well enough, you also know that I recover pretty easily and pretty quickly. My psychic said, "You are resiliant!" She didn't know how right on she was ... or did she?

This was one of today's prayers at JRC. Fitting! A huge list of temple members who are ill was read.

Next, the Kaddish was said for a HUGE list of JRC members or family who have passed away.

Puts a proper perspective on life and the living, doesn't it? P.S. Sometimes "complete healing of body and soul" might mean not in this life as we know it. But none the less healing and peace.

Fear of Reaching Out

We had a bedtime tiff again

A loss of the usually known,

There was no energy left to cope,

Not able to process and forgive.

So as I turned off the light,

And turned on the quiet tears,

I hoped he would not notice,

But missed his caring comfort.

I could not reach out as usual

To hold his hand, "Good night."

So afraid that he had also forgotten

How to nightly reach out to me.