Compassion

Gregory, since almost the beginning of his journey with Alzheimer's, has had this quote posted on his bedside nightstand (it is still there and notice I have kept my misspelled COMPASSION.) The quote is one of the first things I framed and hung on the wall next to Gregory's bed at Lieberman. We review it together often and hopefully it has been an inspiration as well to the Lieberman Staff.

My posts over the time since he as been at Lieberman have talked about the joy and love that I receive from so many of the residents who are now part of Gregory's "family." Today is Entertainment Sunday when I get to see many of our Fifth Floor Family but also many of the residents on other floors with whom I have become friendly. Sure enough, this horoscope speaks loudly to what I experience when I am with Gregory and our new Family.

February 22, 2015 Compassion by Feeling Aries Daily HoroscopeFeelings of profound empathy can touch you deeply today, inspiring you to take action in the ongoing, worldwide fight against suffering. As you see the scope of pain that afflicts those who are less fortunate than yourself, your ability to understand these individuals’ emotional challenges can help you direct your charitable efforts toward those causes that can benefit most from your aid. You may feel a strong sense of camaraderie while interacting with those on the receiving end of your love and support today. If you remember that your circumstances are blessings that you have been given, you will likely feel no hesitation as you share your resources, time, and talents with others. It is a simple matter to integrate compassionate action into our everyday lives when we make an effort to understand how anguish and need impact the lives of those less fortunate than ourselves. When we choose to expose ourselves to the full impact of poverty and pain, we begin to understand the profound effects these disadvantages have on those who labor under them. We feel not only the pangs of our own compassion, but also the intense emotions experienced by these less fortunate individuals. This empathy becomes the catalyst that compels us to put aside our own cares in order to focus on charitable, loving endeavors that will eventually improve the lot of people who need our help. Your understanding of the challenges that others face will inspire you to take action against the plight of those who suffer today.  For more information visit dailyom.com This article is printed from DailyOM - Inspirational thoughts for a happy, healthy and fulfilling day. Register for free at www.dailyom.com

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Simplicity, Patience, Compassion

Enlightened Heart

SIMPLICITY

PATIENCE

COMPASSION

A Poem by Lao-Tzu

571-??? B.C.

Edited by Stephen Mitchell  

A copy of this post-it has lived on the side of Gregory's nightstand for years. Every night before closing the lights he would read the three words aloud: SIMPLICITY, PATIENCE, COMPASSION.

To this day, with all the very difficult times and changes he has gone through since Christmas 2013, Gregory continues to strongly hold onto these tenets in his daily actions.

Currently he has embraced and is comfortable at the Lieberman Center where his life is now the embodiment of SIMPLICITY. Minimum activity but routinely so. Blue jeans and a nice shirt but no need to think about how you look. Nutritious meals but predictable, nothing fancy. Same activities at the same time on the same day. Not many choices to ponder.

PATIENCE certainly as the hours, no the minutes, no the seconds pass in a row without much disruption or variation. Sitting and waiting for what comes next without much thought about what it is that will come next. It just arrives. In your chair by 4:00, at your table, in the dining room in time for a 4:30 dinner which isn't always delivered to you until a while later. Lots of waiting for little (according to my eye) reward. But to Gregory's eye, just part of life and his ability to be patient.

As we walk around the four sections of his floor, we stop at each oversized photograph of something Chicago and discuss it. Lake Michigan. Lincoln Park, Museums. Etc. Every now and then we pass someone in the hall. Someone in a wheel chair, quiet, unable to do for themselves, mostly unable to communicate. Sometimes a hand is stretched out towards us. As we pass, each time someone calls out or reaches out, a holding of hands. Gregory will respond with a look of love, a gesture of caring, a smile. COMPASSION. Compassion personified!

Boy I love that man.

A Reply

In response to a letter from a former work mate of Gregory's (http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2014/02/a-letter.html)

Dear Mary Ellen and Bob,

What can I say. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Never easy. Trite comments like "But we have so much for which to be grateful." are true but help little. People over the years have always been very kind with their advice, their "be good to yourselves," their love and affection, their suggestions. But in the end nothing really helps, does it? My "trite" comment for you would be, "Love is all we really have. Cherish it. Hold on to it." That has been my guiding principal.

I know, however, that advice from others doesn't really help until it becomes part of your own experience. I am happy that in some small way my journey with Gregory has been helpful to you both. My fervent wish for you, as it has been for me, is that I wish I could make it all go away! But since I cannot, I'll share Gregory and my motto that helped for many years, "We have a choice, lie down and die or hunker down and keep going the best we can!

Mary Ellen, Gregory always loved working with you and Thresholds was one of the career highlights of his life. He learned so much about people and caring and during that time of his life he met me, worked through leaving his wife after seven years, and eventually returned to his first love Architecture. He truly loved helping the residents at Thresholds; cooking with them, teaching life skills, going on shopping trips. In many ways you, and Jerry Dincin and Thresholds gave him a new identity which he has held on to this day.

Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts. In many ways they bring tears to my eyes. When I am able to step aside from my grief, my anger, my impatience, often my lack of compassion, my fear, my loneliness, my being less than perfect in my support of Gregory, my selfishness ... I do know that I did a wonderful job helping Gregory cope and manage to live with Alzheimer's for so many years. And even today when he is so much less than he was, and in my role as Secondary Care Giver with Lieberman taking most of the responsibility, he is safe, well taken care of, and loved by many many people.

Michael

To Breathe, To See, To Live

The Gregory we know and love only exists in our memories now. He is still handsome although seems older. He is still playful although on a simpler level. He responds and replies but at a lower level.

His world is safe and comfortable although on a very narrow scale. His routine is established but only with guidance and at a less active pace. He is full of love, patience, and compassion as he tries to help other residents around him.

He is still full of the wonder of life although the amazement is often at the common. His memories and experiences may still be there but they are not available to him.

He loves to walk and explore but now only around the secure unit. He is creative and artistic but now with crayons and paper. He still loves to eat although mostly with his fingers, being grateful for what ever is on his plate.

He lives in the moment and by watching him do so, I have learned to do so as well. We hold hands, we stroll the halls together, I sit with him at meals, we watch re-runs of old TV shows, we read aloud, we have a snack or some chocolate, we just sit together, we lie together head on shoulder in his narrow bed.

Yet more gifts Gregory has given me lately is knowing how to live in the moment, knowing how much is enough, having unqualified compassion for others, the true value of not only forgiveness for others but mostly forgiveness of self, finally allowing patience to come easily and without fear of the future.

I love this man so much. I am grateful that he has taught me how to love him in the moment because if I try to remember the good times, the past times, or to grieve the future times ... at least for the time being ... I do not think I will be able to breath for the sobs, to see for the tears,  to live for the loss.

Compassion II

Shambhala Publications

GREAT COMPASSION IS PAINFULLY REASONABLE

With great compassion, because you have developed clarity, you do not have doubts and you are not unreasonable. You realize that the best way to be skillful is to be reasonable. When you are fully reasonable, actually reasonable—and to a certain extent, painfully reasonable—you begin to experience the genuineness of situations and act accordingly, in a way that is appropriate to the situation.

—The Profound Treasury of the Ocean of Dharma, Volume Two, by Chögyam Trungpa http://www.shambhala.com/the-bodhisattva-path-of-wisdom-and-compassion.html

Cultivating Compassion

From Pema Chödrön 

http://blog.shambhala.com

Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allowing ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion; to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistance. We cultivate bravery through making aspirations. We make the wish that all beings, including ourselves and those we dislike, be free of suffering and the root of suffering. 

Compassion

LEARN MORE | BOOKS AND AUDIO | THE PEMA CHÖDRÖN FOUNDATION

June 5, 2013 COMPASSION TAKES COURAGE Just as nurturing our ability to love is a way of awakening bodhichitta, so also is nurturing our ability to feel compassion. Compassion, however, is more emotionally challenging than loving-kindness because it involves the willingness to feel pain. It definitely requires the training of a warrior. When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience our fear of pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistance.

Conditioning

This excerpt is from "Skinny Thinking" a yogic approach to loosing weight. I have paraphrased it here to apply to my own conditioning with regards to living with and loving someone with Alzheimer's. I have also included the original below. Both are great lessons.

• • • • •

Today, make a point to notice when conditioning has been triggered and see if you can sidestep your emotional response. If you are able to do this, miracles can happen! You catch an emotion before it's been created!

When you are criticizing yourself, it's your ego, your conditioning talking--not who you are. Although there may be a sliver of truth in what you're thinking (this is what hooks you), because you are speaking from conditioning, you know that your words can't contain the whole truth. When you criticize, judge, attack, or blame, in that moment, you believe your conditioning. The best relationship you can have to yourself is one of compassion for your own suffering.

Being able to respond with compassion when you are attacking yourself only requires being able to see the truth--that your behavior doesn't reflect who you really are, which is pure love, or Essence. It's just your conditioning talking. If you can be present enough to automatically recognize conditioning when angry with yourself, you won't have time to take it personally.

In other words, if your first reaction is to recognize the conditioning, instead of taking it personally, then there will be no upset. But, if you take it personally and feel upset, then it can be hard to regroup and get back to the truth. 

If you can train yourself to see conditioning, to instantly notice when negativity is present and label it, "That's conditioning showing up," then your noticing will pre-empt our automatic response of taking it personally. 

Your first reaction will be to see the truth before any negative belief has a chance to arise and precipitate messy negative emotions.

http://www.facebook.com/SkinnyThinking

Today, make a point to notice when conditioning has been triggered, either ours or someone else's, and see if you can sidestep your emotional eating response. If you are able to do this, miracles can happen! You catch an emotion before it's been created!

When people are criticizing us, it's just their ego, their conditioning talking--not who they are. Although there may be a sliver of truth in what they're saying (this is what hooks us), because they're speaking from conditioning, we know that their words can't contain the whole truth. When people criticize, judge, attack, or blame, in that moment, they believe their conditioning and they're suffering. The best relationship we can have to them is one of compassion for their suffering.

Being able to respond with compassion when people are attacking us only requires being able to see the truth--that their behavior doesn't reflect who they really are, which is pure love, or Essence. It's just their conditioning talking. If we can be present enough to automatically recognize conditioning when anger is coming at us, we won't have time to take it personally.

In other words, if our first reaction is to recognize the conditioning, instead of taking it personally, then there will be no upset. But, if we take it personally and feel upset, then it can be hard to regroup and get back to the truth. If we can train ourselves to see conditioning, to instantly notice when negativity is present and label it, "That's conditioning showing up," then our noticing will pre-empt our automatic response of taking it personally. Our first reaction will be to see the truth before any negative belief has a chance to arise and precipitate messy negative emotions.

Whether conditioning is coming at us from the inside or the outside, we can approach it the same way. If we notice it right away, label it as conditioning and don't buy into it, we can sidestep both the emotion and our emotional eating response altogether.

Compassion

Taken from www.dailyom.com

January 29, 2013 In The Presence of Difficulty Compassionby Madisyn Taylor True compassion recognizes that all the boundaries we perceive between ourselves and others are an illusion. Compassion is the ability to see the deep connectedness between ourselves and others. Moreover, true compassion recognizes that all the boundaries we perceive between ourselves and others are an illusion. When we first begin to practice compassion, this very deep level of understanding may elude us, but we can have faith that if we start where we are, we will eventually feel our way toward it. We move closer to it every time we see past our own self-concern to accommodate concern for others. And, as with any skill, our compassion grows most in the presence of difficulty. We practice small acts of compassion every day, when our loved ones are short-tempered or another driver cuts us off in traffic. We extend our forgiveness by trying to understand their point of view; we know how it is to feel stressed out or irritable. The practice of compassion becomes more difficult when we find ourselves unable to understand the actions of the person who offends us. These are the situations that ask us to look more deeply into ourselves, into parts of our psyches that we may want to deny, parts that we have repressed because society has labeled them bad or wrong. For example, acts of violence are often well beyond anything we ourselves have perpetuated, so when we are on the receiving end of such acts, we are often at a loss. This is where the real potential for growth begins, because we are called to shine a light inside ourselves and take responsibility for what we have disowned. It is at this juncture that we have the opportunity to transform from with-in. This can seem like a very tall order, but when life presents us with circumstances that require our compassion, no matter how difficult, we can trust that we are ready. We can call upon all the light we have cultivated so far, allowing it to lead the way into the darkest parts of our own hearts, connecting us to the hearts of others in the understanding that is true compassion.

Meditation

Last week in my Nidra Yoga Meditation class I realized that instead of being better able to deal with my impatience and at times lack of compassion for Gregory, I needed to work on dealing with the feeling that I get in my chest when an interaction or communication with Gregory goes awry. If I can identify the "feeling" when it arrives and diffuse it, I will be patient and compassionate even more than I usually am. It is the confusion, fear, and anger behind the "feeling" that causes me to be impatient. One step closer to perfection '-)

I am taking a class at the Heartwood Center in Evanston with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/

A Play in A Series of Poems

I have written many pieces of poetry chronicling the path which I have traveled with Gregory, my life partner of over 35 years, who was diagnosed with young onset Alzheimer's Disease some ten years ago when he was fifty five years old. For the most part, the feedback on my work has been favorable. 

For a next project, wouldn't it be interesting to try to write a screen play in which the audience would experience what a person with Alzheimer's goes through and what those who love him endure? It probably wouldn't be hard for me to write the screen play because I have so much material from which to draw.

The question, however, is who would want to watch it? Who would want to sit through some 90 minutes with one intermission of heaviness, sadness, frustration, confusion, depression and tears even if laced with love, compassion, insight, and humor?

There Are Good Days

Try as I might to post about the good days, it is most often the bad ones that send me to my computer to contemplate, to process, to poeticize.

So when you see a string of posts, you can probably guess that the marry-go-round is spinning wildly out of control.

When you see a string of NO-posts, you can probably assume that for the most part things are mostly under control and I am coping.

Under any of these scenarios you may assume that Gregory feels content, happy, and safe.

As he signs off each evening, reading aloud the words I printed on a Post-It from a poem called "The Enlightened Heart:"

SIMPLICITY, PATIENCE, and COMPASSION." 

These are his guidelines and my aspirations.

Gregory's Mantra

I may have written about this before but it is worth doing again.

Every night before Gregory goes to bed he recites his "mantra." The mantra comes from a poem by Lao Tzu (born around 571) in a book called "The Enlightened Heart: An Anthology of Sacred Poetry" edited by Stephen Mitchell.

The poem in its entirety reads:
“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Every night before Gregory goes to bed he recites his "mantra:" 

Simplicity

Patience

Compassion

Simplicity, patience, compassion ... as Gregory returns to his source of being, as he lives with the way things are, as he reconciles his here and now in the world.

A New Observation

THE SITUATION:
In dealing with the "day-to-day" of dealing with Gregory as he deals with his "good and bad days," I have made a new observation or maybe rediscovered a previous observation or some combination there-of. (This sentence, by the way, is an example of the dense direction my writing sometimes takes which is complex in a way that forces the reader to slow down and really focus on its meaning. Maybe this is what Gregory has to go through with all things now-a-days?)

THE BACKGROUND: Previously I have talked about how sometimes helping Gregory is a question of more or less. My intervening, or suggesting, or helping, or taking over is a question of making the situation more painful or less painful. More insulting or less insulting. More difficult or less difficult. But none-the-less painful, insulting, and/or difficult. Follow that?

THE SETTING:
Here we are now at the beginning of Fall, 2011. You and I are making subtle changes easily to adjust for the change in weather, not so for Gregory. What he might wear on any day takes finding or asking for the weather forecast, deciding how that might apply to what type of clothing to wear, selecting that clothing, getting into the clothing, and then deciding what type of jacket, if any, to put on before going for his walk. He is not always successful at doing all this himself so sometimes he will ask for help, other times I will offer help, and still other times he returns to the apartment three times until he gets it right. On the rare day, he is totally on target but a day or a week later, the season continues on its way and needs change and Gregory is unable.

THE OBSERVATION:
I realize that sometimes (notice SOMETIMES is used a lot if only because it is not NEVER and not USUALLY) when I try to help, I actually cause more problems for both of us. I distract him, inadvertently cause more confusion, or he doesn't understand the words I am using, or whatever. (I think WHATEVER might be my new mantra!) I find myself "jumping in" too soon to try to help Gregory avoid frustration but then I cause both of us to become frustrated. It is very difficult for me to watch him struggle through an activity or decision so I "jump in." Is giving him "space" and "time" to work through a situation "more difficult" or "less difficult" for me? I am beginning to think that I will be and we both will be better off by my slowing down before helping. Another approach would be to announce, "I'll be here if you need me, just ask." I could also sit quietly after letting him know, "I'll wait quietly until you need me." If the situation does not allow me to give him time and space, I need to keep my voice even, my temper in check as I say something like, "Here, let me do that. I don't mind."

THE EXAMPLE:
Now that the days are cooler, Gregory needs to put on something warmer when he gets up for his morning breakfast preparation and sitting at his computer to do the daily e-mails and news. We switched to his heavier work out pants and shirt which we call his "grays." But he has been having problems assembling his outfit the night before so it will be ready in the morning in the warm bathroom. He has not been able to get past putting the "grays" in the bathroom to the need for underpants, undershirt, and sox. Often he does not recognize those words or is unable to say them. I designed a sign with a picture of each item. To me it made sense that this would make it easier for him to remember everything he needed. It didn't. I explained. He struggled. I explained again. I didn't get angry but I know Gregory senses my frustration. That was when the observation came that sometimes my trying to help causes more harm than help. Sure enough last night he got everything he needed together and into the bathroom without my help or the sign's.

THE LESSON LEARNED (for how long?):
Best to wait until he asks for help or if his struggling goes on for too long or if his frustration level gets too high. This is while the activity is at the "SOMETIMES" level. The need for my constant awareness and monitoring of the ongoing interactions and activities our life is the difficult part. At a certain point in time, when the "NEVER" or "USUALLY" level arrives, I will take over and do it for him every night, change expectations and routine. Down the road, I will let him try it by himself again and if he is unsuccessful permanently be in charge of that function.

FINALLY: I will try anyway to do everything I can (for example the sign) that might possibly help and if it doesn't work I will do something else, I will just try not to beat myself  up for trying.

Breakfast Tea

Every now and then something happens that moves me to tears. Every morning Gregory makes his own breakfast. Every now and then Gregory gets confused in the process. This morning such an occurrence has moved me to tears.

"Oh shit!" comes Gregory from the kitchen.

"What's the problem?" I inquire sitting at my computer in the bedroom.

"My tea," comes the answer.

I go into the kitchen to see how I can help. Turns out he forgets to put a tea bag in his mug and this stops him cold. He remembers to set up his breakfast tray, his cereal and fruit are ready, the green mug sitting on the tray. He fills the electric kettle with water and switches it on. Boiling, the kettle turns itself off. This is where the confusion begins. Such confusion that I am not really sure myself what is going on.

"I forgot my tea. I guess I'll have to start over."

"But you just forgot to put a tea bag in you mug." He looks into the cereal cabinet for the answer. I open the tea cabinet, taking out a tea bag and putting it into his mug. I pick up the kettle, pouring the hot water into the mug. Explaining as I proceed.

"That's all there is to it. You don't have to start over. You just forgot to put the tea bag in your mug."

"Oh. OK. Thank you."

Every now and then something happens that moves me to tears. Every morning Gregory makes his own breakfast. Every now and then Gregory gets confused in the process. This morning such an occurrence has moved me to tears.

Gregory doesn't seem too upset by all this. Then why am I moved to tears? At the loss? At his confusion although he doesn't seem too bothered by it? At what it must feel like for him but in my imagination not his? At my fear? Tears are gone now. The day continues.

Why is it?

Why is it that I still have expectatons? Why is it that I still think he can learn? Why is it that I am surprised when he doesn't make connections? Why is it that I still ask him to do things to help me? Why is it that I still reason with him. Why is it that I still discuss things with him? Why is it that I still get angry and frustrated with him?

I guess because it is a measure of my respect for the person he was and is. Should I treat him like an idiot? Should I treat him like a child? Should I treat him as though he doesn't exist, or matter, or have emotions? I don't think I could do that.

So I just have to remind myself that when he doesn't meet my expectations, when he can't learn, when he can't make connections, when he can't help, when he can't be reasoned with ... I need to not get angry or frustrated ... just be patient and compassionate. The choice is mine.

The Enlightened Heart

Last night Gregory pointed to three words in a poem he was reading in the book The Enlightened Heart. He wanted me to make a sign so he could post it on the side of his bedside table. Today we tried to find the author and title of the poem but we couldn't. Will keep looking and repost if we find it. FOUND IT! From a poem by Lao-Tsu 571B.C in a book edited by Stephen MitchellMeanwhile, I think it is very telling that he chose these three words as important: SIMPLICITY, PATIENCE, COMPASSION.  Every night before he turns out the lights, he reads those three words aloud. Moving?