Painting: Successful or Not?

Didn't have a chance to tell about Gregory's most recent painting experience. Until the end it seemed like the session was not going to be successful.

Last time we used thin, plastic food handlers gloves and felt that perhaps they got in the way of Gregory's actually "feeling" the painting. So this time we decided to try the latex medical gloves again.

It took forever to get the latex gloves on because he would not open his hands. Clenched into tight fists, he resisted all attempts at getting him to relax.

I knew that the longer it took to actually start painting, and the more struggle we had in getting to that point, the less success we would have with the actual painting.

Katharine and I both kept calm and kept at it. Once the latex gloves were on, and once his painting shirt was on, we began.

He had a difficult time focusing. I am not sure he once spontaneously "painted" without our trying to move his hands for him. We moved the painting tray around at every angle from flat to a 90 degree angle. One was not more successful than another.

We put bright colors on the paper, announcing the color name, and trying to get him to look at the paper. Difficult. We dropped paint from the tube four or six inches above the paper, while placed in his view to see if the movement would help. Difficult.

We moved his hands around, tapped his fingers, etc to try to set him in motion and to loosen him up a bit. Difficult. He has difficulty focusing and several times when prompted, "Look at the painting," he replied "I am!" But he wasn't. Difficult.

When overwhelmed or needing to 'shut down' he has an easily recognizable posture, closing his eyes and rolling his head, shoulders, and body forward as far as they can go towards his lap. It is his way of saying "This is too much for me right now." Katharine and I backed off and let him withdraw for a while before cajoling him back.

It was time to finish up as we were close to dinner time. We asked, "Do you want to continue?" He replied, "No."

"Ok, then we will stop," we confirmed. He replied, "No." but we stopped anyway.

We had now reached the end of this painting session which had seemed unsuccessful, should I say a failure? We took off Gregory and our gloves and removed his painting shirt. I held the tray and painted paper (whose marks were more Katharine and mine,) showing Gregory and saying, "Isn't that beautiful?"

To our amazement he focused on the paper for a very long time without any coaxing. He whispered, "Oh. Oh. Beautiful. Wonderful." Several times. He looked up and down, left and right, admiring 'his work' and repeated, "Oh. Oh. Beautiful. Wonderful," in a whisper that was almost sacred.

Katharine and I looked at each other in wonder. As we were leaving I said to Katharine, and she agreed, "That last part made the whole experience worth while!"

Next week we are going to try an easel that is perpendicular to the table and use Craypas, fat Crayolas, colored pencils, and markers. Always experimenting to see how we can make the experience better for Gregory.

Gregory Maire: Studies in Color and Form: Part 2 The Failure

Many of our wonderful family of friends were able to attend the 6:00 Opening Reception for Gregory's Art Show. The invitation was low key and I understood that the timing was not easy for a lot of people.

That said, thank you for being there or R.S.V.P.ing your not being able to join us: Pat, Isaac, Cheryl, Emily, Kathleen, Vic, Linda, George, Corinne, Nancy, Susan, Jan, Jake, Roger, Marc, Alan, Nancy, Dan, David, Danny. Hope I didn't forget anyone.

The day event at 2:00 was quite successful as you read in the previous post. Gregory was quite exhausted by 3:00 or 3:30 and went up to his room with Manny to take a nap and then have dinner from 4:30 until 5:30.

In anticipation for the 6:00 reception, Manny made sure that Gregory got changed and after he was changed he peed and pooped again and had to be changed again. This is not an easy task for Gregory or those involved.

It takes putting a sling around and under him, lifting him out of his wheel chair in this dinosaur type machine, swinging him over to the bed, lowering him onto the bed, removing the sling, rolling him from side to side to take away the soiled clothing, cleaning him up, and putting on new clothing. 

Gregory is unable to assist so when the aides move him around, no matter how gently, Gregory is uncomfortable, possible in a little pain, and while I am not sure if he is embarrassed anymore at not being able to toilet himself, perhaps this figures into the experience. 

Not sure at what point he "messed again" but having to go through even part of the ordeal again was not easy on Gregory or the aides.

By the time Gregory got down to the lobby all of his guests had arrived, hung up their coats, and were looking at the artwork. Gregory being exhausted, and possibly overwhelmed, was "not present." He sat nobly in his wheel chair but his eyes were closed. 

I tried "waking him up" if he was sleeping but I think that he just didn't want to open his eyes. I call this "My Seven Year Old Stubborn Little Boy Syndrome." 

Most likely he was so overwhelmed from the events of the first reception, then eating dinner and having to go through two "changes," that this was his way of just not wanting any more stimulation.

A number of people came up to say hello, to pet him, to try to get a reaction ... but none took place. I tried to get him to open his eyes several time ... but no go.

Next, as I was hugging him, I lost it. I stifled a loud sob, but not stifled soon enough for the group of friends not to hear. I cried into Gregory's neck/shoulder until I could gain my composure, took deep breath, and came up for air. I understand my eyes were not the only wet ones in the crowd.

At this point Gregory did open his eyes. I leaned in towards him and in my usual slow and carefully pronounced way I said, "I love you very much." He looked at me and replied, "I know."

Next I continued, "And you make me very very happy" to which he replied, "I know."

Then he looked me directly in my eyes and said loudly and clearly, "Thank You!" He closed his eyes and disappeared for the rest of the reception.

Enough said? I learned many lessons and had several insights. So calling the reception a "failure" is not really true.

First, I had hoped so much that he would be present for those people we value most in the world, our friends. Next I realized that I was disappointed in his behavior (erroneous) and embarrassed (erroneous) in front of our friends.

I also realized that this reception was another one of my attempts at making it seem, for Gregory and me, like our life is "normal" when in reality it is NOT! My expectations for Gregory had inadvertently caused him to become uncomfortable, not feel safe, and to withdraw.

I am not sorry about the experience because it is always a risk when trying to provide Gregory with "joy" and "meaning," I would not want to settle for less if I did not have to, and I was able to learn from it.

I need to be more aware of how much he will be able to take and when enough stimulation is enough. I need to keep in mind his comfort zone, not mine. 

While I felt disappointment and embarrassment, those were emotions triggered by old learning and no longer really a part of me, Gregory and my situation, and definitely not true triggers or true emotions.

I know that our family of friends were there to support both Gregory and me and I appreciate that. I know that Gregory was aware of the love and support that was in the room for him.

In the end, the most important part was Gregory letting me know he knows I love him, knows he makes me happy, and thanked me for letting him know that. That is all that really matters (and the new lessons hopefully not to be repeated next time.)

Changing Relationships

Every now and then I share my reaction to a quote or daily inspiration (of which I read a number from various sources.) This one talks about emotions.

Your emotion, your indicator of vibration, is indicating the ratio between your currently focused desire and any other belief or thought that you hold about same. When you feel negative emotion, anger about something, or fear... the name of the emotion does not matter, it always means that there is a desire within you that, in this moment, you are contradicting with some other thought.

Your emotions are always about your relationship with your own desire, and nothing else.

---Abraham Click this to go to the Abraham-Hicks site.

This one caused me to stop and think about the various emotions that I experience because of Gregory's Alzheimer's. I re-visited a number of emotions and difficult interactions to see if the statement held true and in what seems like an overly simplified way, it does.

EMOTIONS: For example when Gregory is getting dressed in the morning and having trouble yet again with putting on his shirt, I find myself having the emotions of frustration and anger. 

DESIRE: My desire is that I want him to be able to do these daily activities of getting dressed.

DESIRE: Helping in the morning is difficult for me. I do not want to spend my energy trying to figure out how to show or explain the process to him when I know that I will probably fail. I do not want to "spin my wheels" in the process of his getting dressed when I know that my help will probably only complicate matters and that short of sitting him down and dressing him, I will fail.

So it is obvious that my emotions (negative) are in relationship to my desires (unreachable and doomed to failure) however, I can do something about creating alternate desires which will bring alternate emotions.

ALTERNATE DESIRE: I want to calmly and lovingly help him get dressed in the morning. I am changing my attitude, which is possible. I am not expecting him to

accomplish predictably something which he is unable to do.

ALTERNATE DESIRE: I am doing the best I can with a disease that is totally unpredictable, some things are possible one day and not on another. If I maintain my patience, even if I am not at my best in the morning, I can help him with gentle explaining and showing and if necessary doing. I am not failing but succeeding. I am changing my behavior, which is possible; I am not trying to change his behavior, which is not possible.

ALTERNATE EMOTIONS: So the new emotions (joy, love, and success) will be in relationship to my alternate desires (that together Gregory amd I are successful in helping him get dressed in the morning.) 

If I can change how I perceive my desires, I will be able to change the emotions I experience. Instead of the negative ones of anger, frustration, and failure; I will experience the positive ones of love, joy, success.

Or maybe ...

Was his anger part of the changes that Alzheimer's brings or maybe we just had an argument. Couples argue you know. I hadn't thought of that for a while since I try to be so careful in my interactions with Gregory, usually taking most of the responsibility for keeping our life even and feeling the failure when they go awry. But sometimes a good "fight" is what every successful couple needs. Alzheimer's or not! Just thinking.