Changing Changes

The "Pocket Drawer" which was a wonderful invention on my part when we moved into the condo has seen its sunset. The concept no longer works. That makes me sad and I have fought its demise for a month or more but yesterday, finally, I let the Pocket Drawer Credenza take its last breath.

The credenza, which sits by the front door of our condo, is a beautiful piece made of black bamboo. has a long shelf just below the top of the piece and below, three drawers.

The top is for a fast, temporary drop off of cell phone and/or keys, and for holding incoming and outgoing mail. In the center there is our Buddhist Shrine with three singing bowls, Angel cards with motivating words, pewter coins with more words on which to meditate; plates with incense, water, earth, fire (candle,) and food. There are also two gray/green miniature pottery pieces made by our God Son Isaac while he was in Japan. Finally there a Japanese bell that has a sweet ring that sounds for quite a while during which time we pause to meditate on the words selected for the day. Every time we enter or leave the condo we pause at the shrine.

The shelf holds books that have overflowed our other bookshelves and also books that need to be returned to friends. You don't want to see the accumulation of dust on the shelf and books but since it is a narrow shelf, you cannot experience the build up unless you are kneeling on the floor.

The left drawer is Gregory's, the right drawer is mine, and the middle drawer holds our emergency information, a crank-up weather alert radio, several flash lights, and a power bar which receives the plugs of the charging cords that begin in Gregory and my drawers.

In our personal drawers we keep what I call our "Pockets" for overnight storage and charging. They hold our wallet, keys, cell phone, loose change, Chapstick, cough drops, medical alert necklaces, etc. Ironically (or not) my drawer reflects my personality and is chock filled with STUFF. Gregory's is spare and only contains the essentials.

The demise of the "Pocket Table" is taking place in the drawer area. As his Alzheimer's progresses he continues to loose word associations. So when I would say before getting ready to leave the condo, "Fill your pockets" or when getting ready for bed I would say, "Empty your pockets" he used to be able to follow through. No more.

Slowly he lost the "Pockets" associations. He would start, get distracted, and leave most of the items behind. At times he didn't know what I meant by "Pockets." Sometimes I would ask him to put something on the "Pocket Table" and the odds became better that he would not be able to follow through.

I began keeping an eye on his "Filling" and his "Emptying" and would point out when he overlooked a part. Then I started checking and finishing the process for him with or without pointing out the overlooked items. Sometimes when in a hurry, I would just fill or empty his pockets for him.

Recently he has been putting his wallet in the center drawer or in my drawer. He puts the cell phone on the top next to the singing bowls. After realizing that every morning and every evening was a battle, we discussed ways to make it easier. Since he no longer really needs to carry keys because I always have mine, we discontinued that.

Instead of his asking for me to show him how to put on and take off his "Medical Alert Necklace" we resorted to a bracelet (although less stylish) that he keeps on all the time. His comment (while I expected a fight) was, "Oh that will make it easier." He no longer carries loose change.

He still carries his wallet for ID purposes and his cell phone because he can still answer it if he is with his companion and I call him. He can no longer use the phone to call me. When we leave I hand him his phone and wallet and when we come home I take them and put them into the drawer for him. Automatic on my part not depending of the maybe of his.

While I feel bad that I seem to be taking away what little of his independence is left and while I end up having to spend more energy checking on him and waiting until I see that the action is accomplished, it feels good not to have to spend the energy being angry or frustrated and not needing to yet again explain what he needs to do. I just do it for him. I don't mind and apparently he trusts me enough to not mind either.

BECAUSE

Today, surreptitiously observing, I read a cookbook while Gregory was making his breakfast. He was trying to use the "map" I created to help him with the task. It was not a success. On and off he has been able and not able to make his own breakfast. Most often it was 60-75% correct, me helping with the rest. Several times I have decided that it was time for me to take over making his breakfast BECAUSE it was easier to just do it for him compared to trying to explain what he needed to do. Most often the explanations didn't work so I did what needed to be done. Several times without saying anything I let him try again and several times did so BECAUSE he asked to try again.


Here is the detail of why I have once again decided that I should make his breakfast. It is somewhat of a complicated job but BECAUSE he likes his breakfast, "throwing some toast" at him would never do. BECAUSE he cannot accomplish the "routine" it is now one more thing I have added to my load. 


Maybe after watching him this time I am ready to accept this next responsibility. I told him that maybe I should take over making his breakfast BECAUSE in watching I noticed that he was having a lot of difficulty and that it was painful for me to watch his suffering through the process. He agreed and said, "Yes maybe it is time." This is the first time that he has agreed with such commitment.


THE DETAIL: Tea
He got out the loose tea but didn't know what to do with it BECAUSE there was no tea ball. He figured out what was wrong, got the tea ball and filled it with the loose tea. It still didn't seem quite right to him BECAUSE he had forgotten to put the usual placemat on his tray. He was still confused about the tea BECAUSE what he was missing was a mug in which to put the tea ball. I gently suggested that he needed a mug for the tea. 


THE DETAIL: Cereal
He got a mug and cereal bowl out of the cabinet and put them on the tray. The tea ball never got into the mug BECAUSE he was distracted when he next got a box of cereal from the cabinet and after studying it for a while, instead of pouring a portion into the bowl, he scooped with his hands.


THE DETAIL: Fruit
He got the cantaloup out of the refrigerator, cut three pieces, cleaned the seeds, and sliced the melon into his cereal. No help need here.


THE DETAIL: Bran Buds
Next he got out the plastic box filled with Bran Buds. He opened the box, handled the scoop, looked at the box, handled the scoop. Tried to scoop the box lid and finally put the box down BECAUSE it wasn't working. Next he noticed the label (which was turned away from him) on the box and commented to himself, "Oh that makes it easier." Maybe he didn't realize that he did in effect have the bran buds in hand? So he picked up the box, put the scoop back into the box, and closed the lid BECAUSE he thought he had added some to his cereal (which he hadn't.) I intervened.


THE DETAIL: Turkey Sausage
Next task was to microwave the turkey sausage. He remembered to get a plate this time, a paper towel, and a package of sausage out of the freezer. He unwrapped the sausage and placed them on the plate. 


It wasn't quite right BECAUSE he had put the paper towel down on the tray and by now had forgotten that it was supposed to be on the plate with the sausage. I mentioned the paper towel, he realized  that it was missing, found it, folded it in half and placed the plate into the fold BECAUSE he really didn't understand the necessary order. 


I helped him place the sausage between the folds of the paper towel and then put the paper towel on the plate. He asked, "How long?" BECAUSE after countless years of making his own breakfast sausage he didn't remember. "Two minutes." He was able to follow through. 


When the sausage had cooked, he took the plate out of the microwave (which is almost but not quite too hot to handle.) He danced around with the hot plate and then, BECAUSE he finally noticed that the placemat was not on the tray, didn't know what to do with the plate. He asked my help but I just watched. After a while of "dancing" he finally placed the plate on the counter. 


THE DETAIL: Putting It All Together
He just stood there not knowing what to do next. I got up and verbalized what I was doing, BECAUSE somehow it seems to defuse the situation, as I fetched the placemat and put it on the try, filled the electric tea kettle (which he had totally overlooked) and turned it on, put his cereal bowl and mug in place, put the tea ball into the mug, put the sausage plate on the tray, got him a spoon and napkin and finally filled his mug with boiling water and replaced the kettle. End of story, beginning of breakfast.


The detail is important to share with you BECAUSE it shows how complicated the task is for Gregory while maybe not so much to you or I, how easily it is for him to get distracted, and how difficult it is for him to follow through with multiple-step processes.  

The Case of the Confused Underwear

Last night Gregory laid out his morning sport pants and shirt but forgot about the underwear. I reminded him but my language (undershirt/underpants) did not help so I told him we would take care of it in the morning. I knew I would be in for a "fun filled" morning but I was too tired to manage the underwear right then.

Sure enough when I woke, he was in his morning sport clothes but knew something was wrong. Without having to be asked I said, "You need underpants and an undershirt." Immediately he realized what was needed so he returned to the closet where he got out a pair of underpants and took off his sport shirt. Did you catch the subtlety of what happened?

Next, he attempted to put on his underpants over the sport pants, stopped foot in mid air and realized something was wrong and stopped. He looked at the under pants to make sure the were facing the correct directions (i.e. fly in the front?) and tried again, sport pants still on. He did this approximately six times. FInally he came into the bedroom, underpants in hand.

He knew I was available but didn't ask for help so I kept quiet. He tried the "underpants over sport pants" routine again several times and stopped. He put the underpants on the floor and said aloud to himself, "Just put them on. Just put them on."

Then it came clear to him (I could see the Ah-Ha!) and he took off his sport pants, put on his underpants (backwards but corrected with my comment,) then put on his sport pants ... all in the correct order. He was amazed that it had been so confusing and so obvious.

With a reminder that he still needed to put on an undershirt, he was able to follow through without any complications. In the past I would have jumped in and given instructions. This time, although painful probably for both of us, for the most part I kept quiet. I had to weigh his frustrations against his finally asking for help, against when I needed to intervene. Not an easy job.

Tab "A" Slot "B"

Often in a conversation with Gregory he will make "Comment A" and I will respond with "Comment B" by which time he has lost its association with "Comment A" and therefore "Comment B" is confusing to him. Frustrating to me is not only having to go though this line of thought but having no possible way to get it back on track.

A variation is my making "Comment A" and Gregory showing having understood my comment.  I move on to related "Comment B" which makes no sense to him. Again frustrating. Again, no way to straighten it out.

Silence

Today's Daily Word addresses something I continue to work on in my relationship with Gregory. In an effort to "be his words, be his story, support his actions" I find that I continue to jump in too soon. If given a enough time, if given silence, he often is able to formulate his words or work out an action on his own.

In an effort to protect him, often I jump in too soon and often my help only serves to distract and confuse him. Often it frustrates and angers me. It is painful for me to watch him struggle, especially when I can tell from his face and from his posture that he is indeed struggling. Even more difficult is that when he cannot come up with what he was trying to say or do, he is not able to move to "Can you help me?" Just silence. Painful silence. So often I have to jump in.

Another situation that I continue to work at monitoring is "When do I need to correct him?" The guideline is "Are babies dying?" Translated this means does the fact that he is not doing something correctly matter? Is he in danger? If not, I try to say nothing. Silence. But often I am already giving feedback when I realize to late, "Not necessary." Silence would have been better.

So recently, after I "mess up" I repeat silently to myself, "Say nothing. Do nothing. Say nothing. Do nothing." Besides helping me calm down I am trying to bring my actions to a higher conscious level so I do not react, but rather act ahead of time. Act before I speak.

At the same time I am carrying on an argument with myself because at times I must "Say something. Do something." It is not fair to him or to myself to always say or do nothing. So I have been looking for a better mantra.

With this Daily Word, I have that mantra:  SILENCE. Working at being silent (and repeating the word "Silence" over and over again) will give me time to think, while waiting to see if I have to jump in. This is the answer to how I might handle myself when these occasions arise.

At least for now. At least until the game rules change again. I'll let you know how it works.

(As I usually do when sharing a Daily Word post, I have revised the thoughts to reflect my spirituality.)

About Daily Word | Pray | Affirmations | Articles | Search Archives | Subscribe | Shop | Donate Saturday, December 24, 2011 SILENCE In the Silence, I am strengthened and renewed. Before I begin my day, I rest in the silence of the morning, close my eyes and breathe in deeply. A smile comes to my lips as I feel the loving presence of God life. In silence there is power, depth, beauty and strength. I can never be alone, for God love and life dwell s within me. Silently, my prayers thoughts go forth to bless send love to a dear one, and silently, I meditate upon the joy within. It is in the silence that God strengthens my faith in life and in myself and fills me with courage. In the silence are born new aspirations, new inspirations and renewed faith. In the silence, I walk and commune with the my indwelling Spirituality and rest in God's life's sustaining love. Peace, be still. I am in the presence of the Almighty. In glorious wonderment I travel on holy ground. I experience myself both inward and outward, during calm times and during turbulent times, and know that both are signs that I am alive as I travel life's path and that all is well. Be silent, all people, before the Lord.--Zechariah 2:13