A Love Affair

I have written about loneliness often in the past. If I thought that I was lonely as Gregory slowly was diminished by Dementia/ Alzheimer's; if I missed having a partner with whom to make decisions, to share responsibilities, to support me through our journey; it is nothing compared to the loneliness I feel now that he is dead. I now face the rest of my life without being able to talk to him, to hold him, to kiss him, to doze off in his arms.

Every time I think I have a hold on this beast called grief, it bites me, it grabs me in its jaws and thrashes me around until I am beat up, broken, and bloody. The more I grieve the more obvious the obvious becomes. My grief has nothing to do with Gregory it has to do with me. My pain, my sorrow, my fears, my loneliness.

I am not so much grieving his death as I am grieving the future of my life. I don't mean to bring you down with me. I will feel better in an hour, later today, or tomorrow. But right now the tears flow freely, and I am sad. I am not sorry that Gregory has died, I am sorry that I continue to have to live without him.

This is not a suicide thought, taking my own life is not what I mean here. More painful than that is having to wake up each morning to face the day and find meaning, purpose, and love in my life when the person who meant the most to me can no longer be part of that except in my thoughts and in my memories.

I read recently somewhere, "Can one have a love affair, a love relationship with someone else when it does not involve the human body?" I am not sure but I sure have been having trouble finding peace in myself without Gregory's presence even though he is at peace.

Refocusing One's Grief

I have been thinking about this lately. And today's DailyOm, which it often does, caused me to sit down and put my thoughts into words.

The closer we get to Christmas, the more I have been grieving Gregory's death, the sadder maybe even depressed I have been feeling.

I know that this is only natural and one will be told by everyone else that we should expect this on firsts: First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First Anniversary without Gregory in January which would have been (or should I say will be) 41 years together?

But I also know that Gregory does not need me to grieve, the universe is not benefitted by my grief, God (if she exists) does not need me to grieve. I am the one who needs to grieve but if it makes me sad, unhappy, and possibly depressed; maybe I do not need to grieve as much or in the way that I am doing so.

My Grief does not make Gregory's life any more or less meaningful. My Grief will definitely not bring him back to me for even a moment or two in realtime. My Grief will not being me joy, or cheer, or good feelings, or help support my health. So I continue to question Grief.

It is as if Grief gives me permission to wallow in my sorrows, my loneliness, my "what if's," my "if only's." It is as if I allow Grief to slow me down, feel tired, feel lethargic, to not accomplish those things I want to accomplish. I allow Grief to cause me to be poor company to friends and family.

So I continue to question grief. If I can turn my Grief into a more productive activity, I will be served. Gregory will be served. The universe will be served and God (if she exists) will are served. Family and friends and my two cats, Emma and Gigi, will be served. So I continue to question grief.

I believe that if I want to believe in something, then it is true. At least for me. So I continue my conversations, my dialogues with Gregory or with Gregory's Spirit although they at times might seem like monologues. But sometimes I hear Gregory's answers. At least I hear them in my head. At least they may be coming from him, from beyond, or from my 41 years of knowing what he would say, but none-the-less they come.

And I feel at times that Gregory, or Gregory's Spirit, is sad that I am sad, unhappy that I am unhappy, misses me because I miss him. I hear him telling me to try not to be so sad because it makes him feel sad as well. And that doesn't serve Gregory in whatever his next set of adventures and spiritual growth may need.

So I have been trying to grieve less. Grieve yes but less. When I feel sad I try to change the thoughts to ones of joy. When I feel lonely, I try to remember the good times and to be grateful for them. When I feel depressed, I sit with the feelings then tell myself to move on.

By allowing myself to stay sad, stay lonely, stay depressed, I am allowing myself to wallow in my grief instead of celebrating not only Gregory's life but also my own. I am seventy years old, I have much to celebrate and will have much to celebrate yet. By grieving less I will not be wasting those precious moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years I have left.

So enjoy, not grieve. Laugh, not cry. Celebrate, not mourn. Sing and dance. I tell myself. And most of the time it works. And when it doesn't, I allow myself to sit and wallow but not for more than fifteen minutes at a time. Then I continue on continuing on.

• • •

www.dailyom.com

December 20, 2015 Raise Your Vibration Focus on the Goodby Madisyn Taylor There are many ways to raise your vibration including thinking positive and uplifting thoughts. Everything in the universe is made of energy. What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless. Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration. We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means “vibrating very rapidly.” The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration. On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don’t want to be vibrating and why. To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress. There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation. One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly—a person, a movie, an experience. When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.

I Miss Him

No Apologies Necessary

Kate Swaffer shares some of her thoughts, memories, and fears on being diagnosed with Dementia. The video she created is moving and will help put you in her shoes.
http://kateswaffer.com/2015/09/03/women-and-dementia-3-dam2015-day-3/

This is the reply I wrote to her:

Dear Kate,

I wish I could take all your pain, your fears, your guilt and smooth the edges. I wish I could help you focus only on the strength of your love for those around you and for all of us who have come to know you.

I wish I could help you focus only on your family's and our love for you. I want to say, "We love you as you are and as you will be. You have given us so much with your perspective and your love, let us give some measure of peace of mind back to you in exchange." 

I am barely able to type this for the tears from your video as they help me to begin to understand what Gregory must have gone through but was unable to share with me. His inability to share was due to his loss of language.

Also, I believe that the Dementia/Alzheimer’s blessedly put up a buffer to the reality of what he was going through. In addition, the safe zone in every day living which I was able to create for him gave him peace. 

So I love  him with all my heart, more each day, and say it was and  is my duty to be there for him as he always, even today, has been for me. He is not a failure, he owes no apologies, he is love. He is my life.

I have no control over the details so I will embrace him always as he is, as he will become. I love him More Than Ever (the name we together gave our trust and educational foundation.)

Gregory knows, and I often tell him, how much I love him and I hope he knows that there is nothing in our relationship, in our 40 years together, in the world that he needs to apologize or feel guilty about. 

I also know he has forgiven me my trespasses and I do not feel guilty. There are some things I would have done differently during our journey with Dementia/ Alzheimer's but I did the best I could, and everyday I learned anew, and I did it with love in my heart.

My “Intuitive" described the hole that has been torn out of my chest, around my heart; with its pain and loneliness and tears; as the sacred place where Gregory and I can still be, and always will be. together. I will not try to fill that hole, I welcome it. 

Kate, may you find peace and comfort in your great love of family and of life and may you be reminded that all things are impermanent and this can be the joy of life as you quietly sit with it today and then tomorrow. I don't "know" you Kate, but I continue to come to fall in love you!

Fondly,

Michael

Grace and Frankie

Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin co-star as two women forced to reinvent their lives in this funny, honest new Netflix Original series. Elegant, proper Grace and freewheeling, eccentric Frankie aren't friends, even though their husbands Robert and Sol (Martin Sheen and Sam Waterston) have been law partners for decades. But when Robert and Sol announce that they're leaving their wives for each other, the two women start to bond in ways they never expected.

I am watching this Netflix series and loving it. The homosexuality of Robert and Sol are accepted as the norm and the emotions that all four characters are going through are real, raw, and honest. There are many tender moments between the male couple and between the new relationship of the ex-wives, as well as the original married couples. Often these tender moments bring tears.

But besides loving it, I am having some problems. So here I sit, with tears in my eyes not because of Grace and Frankie or Robert and Sol but because of Gregory and Michael. I am yet again grieving my loss, my loneliness, my aloneness. 

As an older couple (in their 70's?) the men share moments of truth and honesty, of anger and love, of dealing with the complexity of their new relationship and of life itself. Those moments for the most part are over for Gregory and me. Our interactions are loving and beautiful, the are meaningful and honest, but they hold no depth of today only depth of spirit and love.

And I miss being able to sit on the sofa with Gregory supporting my tears, or making me laugh, or being able to spoon or hold hands as we drift off to sleep. So I take my tears away from the TV and out onto the balcony where I sit in the wonderfully spring into summer 70 degree air at sunset. And I look at the other chair next to the table and I cry. And I am lonely. And I miss my honey being here with me at home. And what is home without someone to share it with after 40+ years of love?

I'm Not Going to Miss You

Have I posted this previously? It is the song that Glenn Campbell wrote in his dealing with Alzheimer's as a farewell. I have previously posted it but I cried again through it on the Oscar Awards. Cry? No sob, howl. Panic that I would loose myself in my grief and not be able to be found! So I slowed myself down, tucked my grief back into the past, and for now will let it stay there. I hurt beyond belief at all that I have lost, at all that Gregory and I can no longer have in common, at all we can no longer share, and at all that Gregory will no longer miss. I just need to get through tonight so I can get up early and go to Lieberman to hug and kiss and love Gregory who I miss and will miss more and more, and maybe I'll cry into his shoulder.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8TsAh-zYFI

I'm still here, but yet I'm gone
I don't play guitar or sing my songs
They never defined who I am
The man that loves you 'til the end

You're the last person I will love
You're the last face I will recall
And best of all, I'm not gonna miss you
Not gonna miss you

I'm never gonna hold you like I did
Or say I love you to the kids
You're never gonna see it in my eyes
It's not gonna hurt me when you cry

I'm never gonna know what you go through
All the things I say or do
All the hurt and all the pain
One thing selfishly remains

I'm not gonna miss you
I'm not gonna miss you

The Coming of Christmas

While I did well with Thanksgiving, I am not sure how I will do for Christmas.

All around me are the beginning signs of Christmas, some since before Halloween. Christmas carols 24/7 on the radio, stores are decorated, lamp posts bewreathed, city Christmas trees waiting for their lighting ceremonies.

But, at least for now, instead of beginning to feel the spirit (and the spirit usually does infect me) I am feeling an emptiness. The emptiness is in the air around me, in the space of the condo, along when I am driving, and filling my heart and emotions. Interesting, emptiness filling me?

For 40 years the most important holiday for Gregory and me has been Christmas. Celebrated with family, celebrated with friends, celebrated just the two of us. Unpacking the tree and ornaments, baking cookies, making hot chocolate, entertaining gifts, giving gifts not only to each other but also to family, friends, service providers, store keepers.

So I sit with my grief, sit with my suffering, sit with my tears and when they settle down get up and get on with my life.

I have decided that I do not want to unpack all the decorations. Too many emotions. So I will unpack just a few of them.

The three foot artificial tree that we have been using for years will sit in front of the living room windows. It is already strung with lights and antique glass German ornaments and waiting to come out of the box where it sits since last year. All I need to do is feather dust the dust and plug it in.

I have five antique brush trees which are approximately 6" tall and wrapped, spiraling top to bottom, with a garland of miniature glass balls. They will sit on the "Changing Collection" shelf in the entrance hall. I'll post a photo when I get them in place.

I might put the wreath on the front door and I might put a smaller artificial tree with lights and bangle baubles on the bookcase that runs the length of the bedroom.

I will make Great Grandma Barbara's German Christmas Cookies, a family tradition going back well over one hundred years to Gregory's mother's father's mother. If you can count that high. But this year, I will not make dozens and dozens of dozens types of cookies. Oh, in thinking, maybe I will make G and my favorite Adeline's Walnut Balls (in vanilla and chocolate.)

What I will most likely do is create some new traditions for myself and see if that helps me through the search.

Today, the day after Thanksgiving, I will take a newly purchased 18" tall plastic tree to Lieberman and Gregory and I will decorate it for his room. We will "twist tie" the ornaments and garland in place so they do not "disappear."

Gregory and I have thought about this in the past and this year I will follow through for both of us on getting $100.00 in singles and passing them out to every person I pass who has set up their "begging bowl."

I promised Vivian, a resident-mate of Gregory's, that if her family didn't bring her a little Christmas tree for her room, I would do it.

As a Christmas/Hannukah thank you to the Lieberman departments, I will drop off bowls of wrapped Christmas peppermint balls and dreidels with a sign that says, "Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy New Years, Happy Winter."

For New Years I will offer wrapped Chinese Fortune Cookies in a bowl with a sign that says, "Wishing you Good Fortune in the New Year."

I will see what other "traditions" I can come up with and let you know as the season proceeds. I put the word "traditions" in quotes because I have been accused of the following quote: THE BEST TRADITIONS ARE THE NEW ONES YOU CREATE TODAY!

Wooden Ornament, made by friends Jan and Jake

Given to us in 1987 when we moved into the first
house we purchased 27 years ago.

The Invader

In my deep, dream filled, to bed for the night, sleep
I felt someone brush lightly against my shoulder
Had someone gotten in and invaded my dreams?

I was filled with fear as I fought to bring myself awake
To shout out and reach over to shake Gregory awake
I needed him there with me to protect and care for me.

But he was not there, nor was the invader, I was alone
With only loneliness and grief, so I cried my fear.
Realizing this is my life for the rest of my life, alone.