No Apologies Necessary

Kate Swaffer shares some of her thoughts, memories, and fears on being diagnosed with Dementia. The video she created is moving and will help put you in her shoes.
http://kateswaffer.com/2015/09/03/women-and-dementia-3-dam2015-day-3/

This is the reply I wrote to her:

Dear Kate,

I wish I could take all your pain, your fears, your guilt and smooth the edges. I wish I could help you focus only on the strength of your love for those around you and for all of us who have come to know you.

I wish I could help you focus only on your family's and our love for you. I want to say, "We love you as you are and as you will be. You have given us so much with your perspective and your love, let us give some measure of peace of mind back to you in exchange." 

I am barely able to type this for the tears from your video as they help me to begin to understand what Gregory must have gone through but was unable to share with me. His inability to share was due to his loss of language.

Also, I believe that the Dementia/Alzheimer’s blessedly put up a buffer to the reality of what he was going through. In addition, the safe zone in every day living which I was able to create for him gave him peace. 

So I love  him with all my heart, more each day, and say it was and  is my duty to be there for him as he always, even today, has been for me. He is not a failure, he owes no apologies, he is love. He is my life.

I have no control over the details so I will embrace him always as he is, as he will become. I love him More Than Ever (the name we together gave our trust and educational foundation.)

Gregory knows, and I often tell him, how much I love him and I hope he knows that there is nothing in our relationship, in our 40 years together, in the world that he needs to apologize or feel guilty about. 

I also know he has forgiven me my trespasses and I do not feel guilty. There are some things I would have done differently during our journey with Dementia/ Alzheimer's but I did the best I could, and everyday I learned anew, and I did it with love in my heart.

My “Intuitive" described the hole that has been torn out of my chest, around my heart; with its pain and loneliness and tears; as the sacred place where Gregory and I can still be, and always will be. together. I will not try to fill that hole, I welcome it. 

Kate, may you find peace and comfort in your great love of family and of life and may you be reminded that all things are impermanent and this can be the joy of life as you quietly sit with it today and then tomorrow. I don't "know" you Kate, but I continue to come to fall in love you!

Fondly,

Michael