My Guru

Guru: Guru is a Sanskrit term that connotes someone who is a "teacher, guide or master" of certain knowledge. In pan-Indian traditions, guru is someone more than a teacher, traditionally a reverential figure to the student, with the guru serving as a "counselor, who helps mold values, shares experiential knowledge as much as literal knowledge, an exemplar in life, an inspirational source and who helps in the spiritual evolution of a student."

I call Corinne "My Guru" and she always demurs, but I insist. She has done so much for me, through her yoga and Yoga Nidra classes, in helping me find peace during a time that was and is chaotic, stressful, emotional, frightening, frustrating, and I could go on. I am referring  to Gregory and my journey with Dementia/ Alzheimer's followed by his death, two months ago on October 4th.

Over the years, I studied world religions, searched deeply into my own Judaism, thought about Christianity, read the philosophies of great men, yet never found a path to finding peace, a way to get away from my problems, a way to cope with my sorrow and lonliness. Meditation and Corinne's classes helped me find that peace within myself and furthering my studies of Buddhism seemed to be the platform that enabled me to find that path.

Meditation and Yoga Nidra and Corinne have also helped me understand, deal with, and welcome in Gregory's death and my grieving. The current class I am taking from Corinne is called: "Yoga of Loss and Grieving."

If you have read my posts about session two and four, you will be familiar with one's "Inner Resource." Click here to read session 2's post. Click here to read session 4's post. (Both open in a new window.)

Based on my post about session 4, this is the e-mail I received from Corinne. You will see why I call her my Guru! Find out more about Corinne on her website. (Opens in a new window.)

Hi Michael – 

Thank you for sending along this post. I read it last night, and woke up thinking about it this morning. 

One thought I have is perhaps to develop an additional way to connect with Inner Resource - remembering that any visualization we use is to connect with the felt-sense of our own wholeness. Our true nature has never been harmed, has never suffered, has never caused suffering, is not lacking and has always been complete. This feeling is often described as peaceful, calm, safe, secure, strong, grounded, etc. Everyone has different language to describe this feeling.  Any imagery we use is not the feeling, rather a vehicle or pathway to experiencing it. The feeling is what we are connecting with, using this very human way to do it (our imagination).

My thought is that it could be helpful to have another way to connect with your Inner Resource that is more neutral/less charged.  Then you can reconnect with your True Nature/Inner Light in a way that is more direct, rather than through Gregory.  You can have more than one way of connecting with your Inner Resource, and you could decide which to use at different times. 

This may take some exploration, which I'd be happy to do with you. Therapy would also be a wonderful place to explore this. I'd also be happy to talk with your therapist at any time, I'm doing this more and more. Whatever is helpful for you in this mysterious, unfolding journey.

xo Corinne

This is my reply to Corinne:

Corinne, 

Hi. Thanks so much for your thoughtful e-mail. I think you are correct in your observations and as I was reading the e-mail, I instantly re-discovered another path to an Inner Resource. Many, many years ago when I was helping my fifth grade students through “Guided Visualizations,” I created for myself a personal waterfall oasis. It is a calm, peaceful place located in a lush, green rain forest. I would at times stand under the tepid water the of falls to wash away problems, fears, illness, etc. I think I will be able to use that as a way of “unloading” my current Inner Resource. Depending on what I am seeking, I can choose which one to go to in time of need. Thanks again my Guru!

Michael

Yoga for Loss and Grieving: Session 4 - Never Agains!

Missed last week's session 3. This week we worked on "Practice Intention" which was setting an intention for what might come out of today's session and "Life Long Desire," a more over time, life-long intention that we would like to consider.

For my "Intention," I set "Self-Forgiveness." Self-forgiveness for those times I didn't really understand what Gregory was going through as the effects of his Alzheimer's/ Dementia progressed. Self-Forgiveness for those times I could have done a better job if I was more aware of exactly it was that he was experiencing. Even though I did the best I could at the time, and even though I did a pretty terrific job, there is some grieving at not having been a better support to him, of getting angry with him, and at times of being downright mean to him!

While I have been beating myself up a little less as time has passed since Gregory died, I still wish I could have been better and obviously there is no way to go back in time to redo my behavior. I know that Gregory always forgave me and I was always able to quickly apologize; still the feelings and emotions linger of not ever again being able to make it right! That is one of the irrational side effects of death: the NEVER AGAIN syndrome!

For my "Life Long Desire," I set the idea of wondering what the rest of my life would be like and how I could spend it doing good for others.

Following the setting of the "Intention" and the "Desire" we let them drift into the background, as we continued our Yoga Nidra practice, knowing that we had acknowledged them but did not need to do anything about them or work on them. Just having noted them was enough for now.

Next, we visited our "Internal Resource" place, that place we can go to anytime we need to seek peace and comfort and safety. This time Gregory was not in bed but was waiting to greet me by the door. We hugged with great love and joy in a way that we had not hugged for a long long time due to his being in a wheelchair for over a year during his time at Lieberman. I wanted it to be real so it was, for a few moments real.

Again, like last session, while being in my Internal Resource place was beautiful, if was emotionally overwhelming. The realization was that hugging Gregory could only exist here, in my Internal Resource now and only in my imagination made me very sad (although I fancied that I was really hugging him and if I deemed it so, it was so!) Once again death waved the NEVER AGAIN flag. Hugging Gregory could exist in my memory but never again in real life. Somehow I will have to come to grips with this being enough for me.

I realized that while often I am happy and enjoying my new life without Gregory, the shadow of sadness still strongly fades every bright color that shines through the clouds. I cried silently so as not to disturb the other students or instructor in the class.

Slowly I drifted back to the rest of the practice with its breathing, its being aware of my body in relation to the floor and the air and the room. Slowly I returned to the calmness and peacefulness of the practice and for the time being left my sorrow behind. When it was time to slowly come back to reality, back to my body, back to the room with the other students, the tears flowed again but I gathered myself together, put my pillows and blankets and chair back in the store room, wished Corrine a "Thank You" and came home to write this post.

While I believe that I gained much from the session, I am aware that I am feeling somewhat numb and spent. I hope I will sleep well tonight.

Yoga for Loss and Grieving: Session 2 - A Place Called Peace:

I am now participating in my third round of Yoga/Meditation practices class with Corinne Peterson. http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Today in session two of round 3, during our guided Resting Yoga Nidra meditation, we once again revisited our "Internal Resource." It is a place created in our imagination, in our mind, where we can go to feel peace, to escape to if we feel fear or upset during the meditation. It can be a place of refuge we can take a few minutes to visit whenever in life we feel sad or in need of a sense of peace.

Here is an excerpt from the post dealing with my "Internal Resource" post during a previous round of classes: 

I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.

I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.

This time I added quite a few things to the image. Just across a path, I added a tiny one room cabin just big enough in which for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply with knowing how much is enough.

Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.

Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.

Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."

Here is an excerpt from the next post dealing with my "Internal Resource" post during a previous round of classes: 

This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. While in the cabin I though I sensed a movement or shadow.  First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.

Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died and whom I still hold in my heart.

It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.

I went into today's session without any expectations, so what happened was surprise.

First during our stretching, when I was reaching out and upward with both arms I felt like I was opening myself up and searching for something. Not sure what I was looking for, I just stayed with the feeling and found myself crying silently with tears rolling down my face.

Next, today's visit to my "Inner Resource" was just as peaceful as it had been previously. 

This time I stayed in the little cabin remembering that I had previously visited with our RIP cats, Mariah most recently (RIP) and my mom (RIP.)

Then I decided that I could "conjure" Gregory to join us. At first I pictured him on the comfortable, cozy, quilt covered cot, sleeping on his back. I did not like this image because that is how I last saw him in his bed at Lieberman after he had died.

So I turned him on his right side (in my mind's eye) thinking that he had not been able to do that for himself for close to two years. Before I knew it, my picture (without my thinking about it) had Mariah (RIP) curled up in the crook of his knee.

Next I climbed in with them, with Gregory "spooning" me. For most of his last year at home, I would "spoon" him with my arm around him sending my protection towards him.

I enjoyed the image and the experience but began to wonder if I was just being creative or if there was something deeper in my ability to conjure him into the cabin and the scene which was unfolding.

Without my needing to do much thinking I realized that his arm was around me as he was sending protection towards me in his embrace. I didn't really have to imagine his arm around me, it just was there.

After spending some time with Gregory, as Corinne began the "gently begin to return to the room and be aware of your surroundings,' the tears flowed freely. The experience was moving, emotional, and intense.

I had not expect something this "big" to happen so maybe that is why it did. Either way, I will not question it too deeply, but just enjoy having had the experience and know that I can go back there anytime I choose.

Thank You Corine

Corinne,

Have been thinking about you a lot recently and wanted to let you know that I appreciate you and to thank you for being my first guru/teacher (and counting:-) Let me ramble for a little ...

I continue my readings, meditation, and practice in Buddhism and find that they continue to help me live my life each day, accept changes as they come, grow into my new relationship with Gregory, and continue to grow myself.

Do you remember that you (indirectly) were part of an “epiphany” that I experienced late in 2012 or early 2013 (I don’t remember exactly) as I was drifting off to sleep: 1) I needed to quit Chicago Children’s Museum as curator to Michael’s Museum, 2) I needed to begin meditation as a way of finding a way to get away from myself and my suffering with G’s Alzheimer’s, and 3) I needed to reclaim my health and my body.

I have succeeded with number 1, have progressed well with number 2, and continue to struggle with number 3 (although I did renew my membership at LA Fitness and have been going to workout at least twice a week.)

Our meeting in the hall at Heartwood when I had finished a massage with Sarah McLaughlin and my subsequent signing up for a Yoga Nidra class was no coincidence. It was a gift from the Universe. The experience with you and Yoga Nidra changed my life and again I will tell you that I am so grateful to you. Our sessions in your office and the sessions on Davis Street helped me continue on the path.

While I know that I had and have been doing a good job supporting Gregory and living with the challenge of Alzheimer’s, I really would not be as successful as I have been without you and your being my teacher.

I call my life with Gregory for the last ten years our “journey” and my growth with meditation my “path.” So thank you for showing me the path. I continue to be comforted and amazed as it continues to unfold before me.

So thank you, I appreciate you, I am grateful to you, I love you, and Namaste!

Michael

Panchamaya Kosha Session One

I will post this just as a reminder. The writing I will be doing about my Yoga experiences, and the regaining of my Personal Self as distinguished from my Alzheimer's Self will now take place at http://mhorvich.blogspot.com

Here, in case you want to follow is the first session write up. Future ones will be at the new location.

Thanks and Namaste,
Michael

After discussing the model and its levels we began our Yoga session. Corinne demonstrated the various stretching and activities in "floor position" and in "chair position." Most of the ones I did were on a chair as I am so out of shape, recently had a bad case of Vertigo, and my back and hips have been bothering me. (This is not a poor me but information by way of your understanding the session.)

As the stretches and exercises progressed I found myself becoming more and more limber and finally ended up moving to floor style. I do not think that I have been as aware of my body in a long time (if ever) then when we were going through the stretches/exercises in this mindful way.

After the stretches/exercises we did a brief Yoga Nidra meditation mainly doing a "body scan" where Corinne led us through a mindful look at our bod, from the top of our head to the tips of our toes, in relation to breathing, the "inside" of it and the "outside" of it.

When I first started meditation classes I would say that many people think Yoga is physical stretching and exercising when it is really a way to calm and quiet the body so as to be better able to meditate.

While that is still true, I am afraid that I discounted Yoga too much. In this one short session, I became so aware of my body and its relation to the space around and the space inside that I now understand better the relationship between the physical and how it supports the mindful meditation.

I have continued to become more aware of how breathing relates to meditation, my study of Buddhism, and my emotions and sure enough here it shows up again in Yoga. I am excited about these sessions and look forward to the next ones to see what they will bring.

I might mention here that I have known for a while that I am very physically out of shape and needed to do something about it. The message hit home when I took myself to the emergency room with the Vertigo attack. It scared me. I thought my blood pressure had gone sky high (when it really was only registering the distress of my body with the Vertigo.) But the scare was enough for me to decide that thinking about doing something does NOT count as DOING something.

I surprised me with my quick actions: 1) Began discussing weight loss and made goals with my Psychologist, 2) Renewed my membership at LA Fitness, 3) Committed to a year of personal training at LA Fitness, 4) Began my weight loss program by weighing in and beginning a log of everything that I ate, 5) Beginning a six week Yoga Kosha session with Corinne.

I am airing my laundry here because by talking about it and by processing it, I think I will be able to try harder to succeed with this program of regaining my health. I DO NOT WANT TO BE OR FUNCTION LIKE AN OLD MAN, EVEN THOUGH I AM AN OLD MAN!

Also, as a reminder, this is being posted on my writers BLOG because I need to move on and separate my Alzheimer's Life from my Personal Life. No less love for Gregory but he is now safely ensconced and embraced. I need to do the same for myself.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 7

The Intention of today's Practice was peace and calm and healing not only for ourselves but also for the world. This in light of the Boston Marathon Bombing and the poisoned letters arriving at the offices of various senators and the White House.

Some how it felt especially good to offer the Practice to something greater than just myself. The beginning of this practice felt like what prayer should be ... and it felt good. Most prayer to me feels like a form of begging or negotiating with some old, wise man sitting in judgement, who exists outside of myself, and who controls what happens to me. I feel the most successful prayer, if I need to use that word, has to do with going inside myself having faith in knowing that the answers exist within. Today, I reached a new level of understanding about how I want to define prayer for myself.

In the part of the Practice where one deals with Emotions, Corinne suggested that instead avoiding letting the emotion distract from the meditation, we work with it.We should picture ourselves in front of a door with the emotion on the other side. When the door is opened, what form does the emotion take: a person, a feeling, a word, a place? Talk with the emotion. Spend some time with the emotion. What is it trying to say to you? What does it want to show you or have you learn? What do you want to say to the emotion?

For a lot of people, spending time with emotion is difficult. Confronting it, dealing with it, embracing it, is hard to do. For me, this time, much to my amazement my mother was on the other side of the door. She extended her arms and took me into her bosom. She told me that she knows how much sadness I hold in my heart and what a huge responsibility I have on my shoulders supporting Gregory through his difficulties with Alzheimer's Disease.  She asked me to let her help me carry my load and to support me. The experience was quite beautiful and reassuring.

This was the last Practice in this series of meetings. I have decided to take a month off and then look at joining the next session. I will miss the weekly "escapes" but can listen the recorded MP3's that Corinne sends us of each Practice if and when I need to. I owe her so much for the calm, tranquility, and lessons she has helped me work through using Yoga Nidra.

http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Meditation Class

If you read these blogs consistently, you will know that I took an eight week course in Yoga Nidra Meditation. It was quite beneficial for me and I thought it might be good to continue.

Corinne Peterson, my instructor, decided to have a small group continuation in her downtown Evanston office and I intend to take advantage of her offering.

She and I talked about including Gregory. This is an e-mail I wrote to her in response to her request for a little more information on what she might expect or what she might do differently when including Gregory in a session.

Visit Corinne's website at: (http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Corinne,

I think it would be a good idea to do a test run with just Gregory and me to see if it works for him. Lets set up one or two times and since it will only be the three of us, you can let me know how much you might charge. 

Let me ramble a little...

I am not sure how much you need to do differently, although I'll discuss it below. He might get something out of the usual Yoga Nidra or he may need it to be simplified.

If he needs it simplified I imagine that it would not be good for the group situation (or for my needs either.) We can try to evaluate as we go along. 

Perhaps we should do one or two sessions with just the three of us. One "simplified" experience and one "regular" experience and see if we can tell how he does?

Some ideas for the first time with Gregory, simplified version: he may need some extra support from me in following directions to prepare (i.e. getting comfortable etc) I would advise you to keep the meditation as simple as possible. 

When giving directions, best to keep them simple and one at a time. So for example, instead of saying: Close your eyes and picture a forest where you are walking quietly along past a brook that is bubbling with fish swimming slowly back and forth; you might say: Close your eyes. (Pause 5 or 10 seconds) Picture a forest. (Pause) See the trees. (Pause) See the sun shining through the trees. (Pause) In other words, one image at a time with time to process? 

If you are interested, maybe we could work together to develop for your practice, a Yoga Nidra that is specialized for people with Alzheimer's or other dementias. Perhaps it would just be guided imagery of calm, beautiful, spiritual experiences WITHOUT asking much processing. It would be Yoga Nidra only in that it would help the person get to that meditative state in a comfortable, peaceful, frustration free place. 

For Gregory, language and communication barely exists while all the memories and abilities are still there. He just cannot access them easily or on demand (his or mine.) He cannot easily process or make associations. 

Isn't living life in most ways the ability to make associations between ALL of our experiences past and present in a way that helps us decide our actions? This no longer works for him.

I have gone through some wonderful growth with Yoga Nidra including new understandings, awarenesses, changes in behavior and thinking, etc. For Gregory perhaps just the ability to help him have an hour of peaceful meditation would be a great goal. 

If he is able to make those associations in a meditative state but not be able to do so in waking language or communication, that is good also.

What it boils down to is when you say, "Visualize a forest," I have no idea what may or may not go on in his mind today which might be different from the next time.

My blog, although there is a lot, might give you some insight on what I go through on a day to day basis being his support. http://mhorvichcares.blogspot

If you would like to talk more, let me know. Meanwhile when might we set up a just the three of us session?

Fondly,

Michael