How often can I cry out to the mountains, pleading
When its weight in rocks is my life's daily pain?
Screaming NO NO NO in my sad, lonely silence
Until my throat and breathing cries NO NO NO.
Overwhelmed. Devastated. Exhausted. Sad.
Tears of blood flowing, washing down my face.
With my emotions which are no longer valid to him
But still oh so valid for me, oh so valid, oh so real.
He does not cause this, but I am brutally caused.
He does not control, this but I am cruelly controlled.
Not understanding even the words I very carefully use
Nor the explanations I still try to give, to help, to share.
We sit at the restaurant table with our closest friends
I hold his hand, stroking, trying to help him be involved.
Love cannot describe the immensity or the agony of my love
That no longer soothes but only torments and tortures.
How often can I cry out to the mountains, suffering
When its weight in rocks is my life's daily pain?
.
Showing posts with label Silence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Silence. Show all posts
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
One Word at a Time
My vow of silence lasted one and one half days. It was terminated sooner than I had hoped but did serve the purpose of calming me down. Also, as Gregory regained his health, his daily functioning improved somewhat. Another lesson learned for the future.
Then I got the same flu he had (not a bad) and was forced to take care of myself a little more than taking care of him. I did get him to sit on the toilet every two hours (with success) and prepared his meals. I was forced to "calm down" even more by my being ill.
After the first day of silence, I decided that perhaps a next step would be ONE WORD AT A TIME. Since complex directions, statements, or questions confuse him, maybe one word communications would help. It didn't.
As he was leaving the bathroom and I was in bed not feeling well, I said, "Light." meaning please turn off the bathroom light. He was not able to connect the word "Light" with the room he was in. So I added, "Bathroom." Still no connection. Led to "Bathroom light." Still no connection with asking him to turn off the light as he was leaving the bathroom. So I finally gave up on the "One Word" concept and asked, "Please turn off the bathroom light?" He did.
The one word thing about Alzheimer's? "Insidious" and it always wins no matter how closely you follow or create the rules!
Then I got the same flu he had (not a bad) and was forced to take care of myself a little more than taking care of him. I did get him to sit on the toilet every two hours (with success) and prepared his meals. I was forced to "calm down" even more by my being ill.
After the first day of silence, I decided that perhaps a next step would be ONE WORD AT A TIME. Since complex directions, statements, or questions confuse him, maybe one word communications would help. It didn't.
As he was leaving the bathroom and I was in bed not feeling well, I said, "Light." meaning please turn off the bathroom light. He was not able to connect the word "Light" with the room he was in. So I added, "Bathroom." Still no connection. Led to "Bathroom light." Still no connection with asking him to turn off the light as he was leaving the bathroom. So I finally gave up on the "One Word" concept and asked, "Please turn off the bathroom light?" He did.
The one word thing about Alzheimer's? "Insidious" and it always wins no matter how closely you follow or create the rules!
Monday, March 18, 2013
An Apology
I apologize for being impatient.
I apologize for loosing my temper.
I apologize for raging at you.
I apologize for being violent with you.
(Read less than kind. Read abrupt.)
I apologize for saying unkind things.
I apologize for being mean.
I love you, never doubt that.
And I know that you love me.
I just don't love myself right now.
I took a vow of silence yesterday and for a day or two. This may seem like being melodramatic but if I am going to cope with Gregory's continued decline, especially his current digestive illness, I need to get a grip on myself and be the kind, loving, gentle caregiver partner that I know I am.
I used the above apology and explained that I would be here for him, to help him, to love him, but that I was going to take a vow of silence because that would prevent me from getting upset and therefore upsetting him.
If I can't show or demonstrate it, I will do what he needs done. This will help me avoid having to use words. I will not need to apologize for the above listed reactions that I have been working at controlling.
Just now he brought me his glass of water, ready to take his pills. "Is this enough?" he asked referring to how much water was in the glass. Bringing him with me, I took the glass into the kitchen, filled it with more water, said not a word. He headed back to the bedroom. I tapped him, gestured at the now full glass of water and he got the picture. Success. This time.
With my vow of silence, I have been more aware of talking to myself in my head. Perhaps this will lessen the time between the triggering of an emotion and my reaction.
I apologize for loosing my temper.
I apologize for raging at you.
I apologize for being violent with you.
(Read less than kind. Read abrupt.)
I apologize for saying unkind things.
I apologize for being mean.
I love you, never doubt that.
And I know that you love me.
I just don't love myself right now.
I took a vow of silence yesterday and for a day or two. This may seem like being melodramatic but if I am going to cope with Gregory's continued decline, especially his current digestive illness, I need to get a grip on myself and be the kind, loving, gentle caregiver partner that I know I am.
I used the above apology and explained that I would be here for him, to help him, to love him, but that I was going to take a vow of silence because that would prevent me from getting upset and therefore upsetting him.
If I can't show or demonstrate it, I will do what he needs done. This will help me avoid having to use words. I will not need to apologize for the above listed reactions that I have been working at controlling.
Just now he brought me his glass of water, ready to take his pills. "Is this enough?" he asked referring to how much water was in the glass. Bringing him with me, I took the glass into the kitchen, filled it with more water, said not a word. He headed back to the bedroom. I tapped him, gestured at the now full glass of water and he got the picture. Success. This time.
With my vow of silence, I have been more aware of talking to myself in my head. Perhaps this will lessen the time between the triggering of an emotion and my reaction.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Shut Down
Do you have any idea how lonely it is
To suffer silently?
Dinner time music is not joyful but
It covers the lack of conversation.
How many hours have I stared
At the kitchen cabinets?
As I sit in silence
Unable to look at him.
Shut down. Lonely. In pain.
To suffer silently?
Dinner time music is not joyful but
It covers the lack of conversation.
How many hours have I stared
At the kitchen cabinets?
As I sit in silence
Unable to look at him.
Shut down. Lonely. In pain.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Silence
Today's Daily Word addresses something I continue to work on in my relationship with Gregory. In an effort to "be his words, be his story, support his actions" I find that I continue to jump in too soon. If given a enough time, if given silence, he often is able to formulate his words or work out an action on his own.
In an effort to protect him, often I jump in too soon and often my help only serves to distract and confuse him. Often it frustrates and angers me. It is painful for me to watch him struggle, especially when I can tell from his face and from his posture that he is indeed struggling. Even more difficult is that when he cannot come up with what he was trying to say or do, he is not able to move to "Can you help me?" Just silence. Painful silence. So often I have to jump in.
Another situation that I continue to work at monitoring is "When do I need to correct him?" The guideline is "Are babies dying?" Translated this means does the fact that he is not doing something correctly matter? Is he in danger? If not, I try to say nothing. Silence. But often I am already giving feedback when I realize to late, "Not necessary." Silence would have been better.
So recently, after I "mess up" I repeat silently to myself, "Say nothing. Do nothing. Say nothing. Do nothing." Besides helping me calm down I am trying to bring my actions to a higher conscious level so I do not react, but rather act ahead of time. Act before I speak.
At the same time I am carrying on an argument with myself because at times I must "Say something. Do something." It is not fair to him or to myself to always say or do nothing. So I have been looking for a better mantra.
With this Daily Word, I have that mantra: SILENCE. Working at being silent (and repeating the word "Silence" over and over again) will give me time to think, while waiting to see if I have to jump in. This is the answer to how I might handle myself when these occasions arise.
At least for now. At least until the game rules change again. I'll let you know how it works.
(As I usually do when sharing a Daily Word post, I have revised the thoughts to reflect my spirituality.)
In an effort to protect him, often I jump in too soon and often my help only serves to distract and confuse him. Often it frustrates and angers me. It is painful for me to watch him struggle, especially when I can tell from his face and from his posture that he is indeed struggling. Even more difficult is that when he cannot come up with what he was trying to say or do, he is not able to move to "Can you help me?" Just silence. Painful silence. So often I have to jump in.
Another situation that I continue to work at monitoring is "When do I need to correct him?" The guideline is "Are babies dying?" Translated this means does the fact that he is not doing something correctly matter? Is he in danger? If not, I try to say nothing. Silence. But often I am already giving feedback when I realize to late, "Not necessary." Silence would have been better.
So recently, after I "mess up" I repeat silently to myself, "Say nothing. Do nothing. Say nothing. Do nothing." Besides helping me calm down I am trying to bring my actions to a higher conscious level so I do not react, but rather act ahead of time. Act before I speak.
At the same time I am carrying on an argument with myself because at times I must "Say something. Do something." It is not fair to him or to myself to always say or do nothing. So I have been looking for a better mantra.
With this Daily Word, I have that mantra: SILENCE. Working at being silent (and repeating the word "Silence" over and over again) will give me time to think, while waiting to see if I have to jump in. This is the answer to how I might handle myself when these occasions arise.
At least for now. At least until the game rules change again. I'll let you know how it works.
(As I usually do when sharing a Daily Word post, I have revised the thoughts to reflect my spirituality.)
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