Sex and Alzheimer's

Gregory and my sexual activity slowly disappeared over the last five years. (God, I miss him!) Our drives lessened. I would agree some of that had to do with the change in roles in our relationship, as I filled more of a parent role. Part had to do with the dementia medications of Aricept and Namenda. Part had to do with our getting older. We did continue to be very intimate in our hugging and kissing and snuggling and that continues to this day.

To briefly set the scene for the next paragraph, G and I came out Gay during a time when it was not accepted, there were few if any role models, if it was not against the law it was bullied. One kept totally private about ones sexuality. When one would go out to the bar (door located down an alley, no sign, usually thought to be run by the maffia) one was always looking over one's shoulder and waiting for the police to raid. No charges would be filed but there were repercussions: a night in a cell, fingers printed, your name appearing in the newspaper as a part of the raid, your family finding out, and the loss of your job.

Interestingly enough I think that Gregory (through his Dementia/Alzheimer's) is revisiting some of the homophobia of that time. I will ask for a kiss and he will not want one or say "not right" or push me away. A little later he will accept my show of affection. We (I on our behalf) are very open about our relationship of 40+ years as a same sex couple. We are who we are at the facility and have not had any troubles at all with staff or other families. That has been lovely. Our relationship is just as important as all the other family relationships and that is good. Also, extra legal protections have been taken care of so that I can make decisions on his behalf and his biological family has always been very supportive of our relationship as well.

Now that same-sex marriage is the Law of the Land, first in Illinois and now in the United States, Gregory and I have chosen not to marry. It is a bittersweet victory. First, Gregory is not of "sound mind" to be able to marry. Secondly and bluntly, healthcare for the poor is taken care of by the state or they die, the very wealthy never have had to worry about health care, the middle class takes care of itself until bankrupted.  Gregory is on Medicaid and the state is paying for his care. If we were married I would have to pay for all of his care until all our money was gone. This way I can live comfortably enough and afford to have a private care man with him 6 hours a day 7 days a week to help provide for the social/emotional side of Gregory's days. The facility provides excellent health care but there is never enough time for the residents to get enough social/emotional. Gregory and I are very fortunate. If our "Care Guy" is not a saint, he is a very highly place angel.

I laugh, now Gregory and I are in the same place as the "hippies" and "common law marriages" of yesterday, when we say, "Why not just live together. Why do we need to get married. It is just a piece of paper anyway. Our commitment is to each other and that is what matters."

A Love Encounter?

When I read about Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who retired from the Supreme Court in January 2006 at age 75 to take care of her husband, John, who had Alzheimer's disease, and the fact that she was "OK" with his "falling in love" with another woman at the memory care facility, in my mind and imagination I concurred. She talked about being happy that he had someone around at the home all of the time with whom to stroll the halls, watch TV, share dinner, hold hands.

A similar occasion happened with Gregory and me the other day and my first reaction was, "I do not want him to fall in love with a haggle toothed, old woman with dementia. " As soon at that thought crossed my mind I had to laugh at my bias. But the difficulty goes deeper, as the Social Worker and I discussed.

Here is the story. First report I received was that a new resident had taken a fancy to Gregory and during morning activities was holding his hand. My first encounter with her was later at lunch. I did not like her at once. She was aggressive, demanding, pushy, and "old, haggle toothed and demented" which turned out to be besides the point.

She approached our table, walking her wheelchair towards us, saying in a loud voice, "Hi Gregory." Gregory did not respond as he often is not available to these around him and he was concentrating on eating his lunch. As she got closer, she more aggressively repeated "Hi Gregory" in a tone that was expecting and demanding a reply. 

I intervened, "I don't think Gregory can talk right now as his is involved in eating his lunch." 

"Oh yes he can!" she demanded. I repeated the exact words a second time and she repeated her exact words a second time. This went back and forth at least four or five times, as if we hadn't heard each other.

With dementia patients, one's form of communication is different from the norm so while it may have been weird to encounter this woman's and my interaction, I think I reacted well.

Finally, however, I said "You cannot bother Gregory right now!" and she left the dining room. End of encounter.

Later that day I was with Gregory at dinner time. The Social Worker asked me if she could have a word and we stepped out into the hall. "There was an incident with Gregory this afternoon. The new woman, who has taken a fancy to Gregory, took his hand and was rubbing her breast with it. 

One of the Resident Care Assistants noticed, separated them, and came to me. We had a meeting with all of the staff this afternoon about the incident. In itself, these things happen, but because Gregory cannot advocate for himself, we will advocate on his behalf. 

The staff will make sure that the the woman and Gregory will not come in contact with each other. Also her room will be moved to another wing (currently her room was two doors down from Gregory's.)

I thanked her for the staff's being on top of the situation, assured her that I understood the situation and was not upset, and was impressed with the idea of the staff advocating on Gregory's behalf.

So I think that I am still OK with the possibility of Gregory's finding someone he likes/loves, even if it is a demented older woman. What bothered me was that this woman was mean, aggressive, and inappropriate in the way she was meeting her needs. Gregory could not defend himself and I did not want her hassling Gregory. 

With all this said, I now say this honestly if not somewhat tongue in cheek: If Gregory is to fall in love with someone else, I at least want her to be a nice, kind person whom I can approve of. I do not care if they are the same religion and I do not care if there is a great age difference, I only want my Gregory to be happy.

There are millions of stories in the big city that is the closed world of dementia and The Lieberman Center and this was just one. Lieberman once again proves itself to be a wonderful environment for Gregory. My heart is light. Another day, another story.