True Emotions - Untrue Triggers

The quotes below are taken from The Five Levels of Attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. You may be familiar with The Four Agreements by his father Don Miguel Ruiz. Both books have been important helps to me with improving the quality of understanding my beliefs and behaviors as well as in dealing with Gregory's Alzheimer's.

While I have always recognized emotions as a part of being human, I felt that emotions out of control were a bad thing. I never thought of them as an anchor to how I am feeling about myself or my environment.

I wrote about this recently when I realized that when dealing with a difficult interaction between Gregory and myself, my emotions would seemingly inappropriately explode. It turns out the emotions were real and I needed to honor and give them notice. The difficulty was that old expectations in my relationship with Gregory were triggering the emotions and the triggers were no longer true.

For example now and then I would interpret Gregory's behavior as showing his not caring or not trying hard enough to behave in a way that I was used to. Turns out the emotions caused by my interpretation was real but the trigger was no longer true. He does the best he can but the Alzheimer's is what at times scrambles his behavior, not his lack of caring.

I realized that I was still allowing the old triggers to cause my emotions when if effect, the old triggers were no longer true. I needed to look at those triggers and delete them while adding new triggers and new emotions, like feeling nurturing in place of feeling anger when Gregory did something that looked like a lack of caring when in reality it was that he could no longer focus on the issue at hand.

A short while later, I came across this discussion in Ruiz Jr's book which reinforced what I had already begun to understand:

"It is important to keep in mind that our emotions are real and should not  be ignored as if they don't exist or stuffed away as if they aren't valid. Emotions create the most authentic anchor we have to ourselves.

"The whole spectrum of emotions--fear love, jealousy, insecurity, anger, joy--is very real. But here's the thins: What triggers those emotions may not be real. 

"Our emotions--regardless of the triggers--are expressions of ourselves. These are the important questions to ask: Are we aware of the triggers? Do we know if the trigger is based on reality or if it is based on faulty information? Is the trigger based on an attachment to a certain belief or expectation?

"Uncomfortable emotions are like car alarms: they let us know there is a problem to attend to, a wound for us to wrk on, thus allowing us to see our own truth. Whenever an emotions gets triggered, it is the opportune moment to ask questions such as: What is this about? What agreement is at the heart of this? What attachment does this threaten? Do I really believe this? Is it important? Answering these questions gives us the opportunity to examine our beliefs and choose whether or not to continue to believe.

"We honor our emotions by realizing that they are an expression of how we feel and what we are going through. We look at what has triggered our emotions, while still allowing ourselves to simply feel. We further honor our emotions by having the awareness that they may have been triggered by something not based on truth. Thus we use our emotions as a tool for transformation, because they completely expose whatever agreement has been hiding beneath the surface.

Optimism

Interesting shifts take place the longer one deals with being an Alzheimer's Caregiver Partner. I realized that while taking care of my partner (keeping him as safe, clean, content, useful, busy, etc) I have forgotten to figure myself into the equation.

Not that I don't take care of myself but the personalities of the Caregiver Partners seem to merge with my own taking second place. All thoughts are shadowed by Gregory and his Alzheimer's.

The task is all consuming physically, emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually with little time left for myself. People always say, "Are you taking care of yourself?" While they are well meaning, it tells me that they do not really understand what it takes to be in this position. 

Of course I am taking care of myself as much as possible. I eat well. I continue to sleep well. I can got out on my own when Gregory's Companions are with him. I read, go to the theater, eat candy, enjoy cooking, feel good about the order I am able to create for Gregory and me in our home.

But the emotional side of seeing your loved one continue to disintegrate in front of your eyes on a daily basis, unable to do today what he could do yesterday, who knows about tomorrow, and to try to untangle the messy web of associations he gets himself into cannot be put to rest.

The constant monitoring of his needs, actions, behaviors, thoughts is a job that cannot take a ten minute break, a weekend off, let alone a vacation. It is with you all the time even when I are not with Gregory.

Even while "taking care of yourself" it is very difficult to leave the mental and emotional part behind. It reminds me of people to try to escape from their problems by going on vacation or more extremely running away from their problems only to realize the problems came along with them. You can avoid your problems but that will not help solve them!

But then this shift I first spoke of began to take place. After 35+ years of being part of a loving, respectful, growing relationship and after 10+ years of being the lead caregiver partner, one begins to reestablish his own individuality and his own identity.

Yes I am still Gregory's Life Partner. Yes I am the lead member of his caregiving team. But I am also me and I am separate and I am different and I am unique and I will somehow come out on the other side of this Alzheimer's as a whole me.

This shift began to take place during my Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation sessions when I realized that all the work done during the meditation was about Gregory instead of about me.

Once I made that shift I found that by making the meditation, the quest, the ability to quiet the noise in my head about me and not him, I was in a better place. I could be better with and for Gregory as well as for myself. 

In other words I began to concentrate on me NOT on him and we all received the benefits. For example, NOT "How can I be better for Gregory" but rather "How can I be a better person." One step further is accepting my desires in the present tense, already present and already functioning. I AM A BETTER PERSON!

This BLOG's writing was sparked by today's horoscope as added below. I realized as I read it and identified with what it had to say, that I was thinking about me and my life and my future and not necessarily Gregory's. This may sound selfish but it is not.

My meditations will change me ... not Gregory. It will help me create a more patient, calm, loving environment for Gregory but he will still have to be the one to live in his world. I will work at understanding his world, but I do not have to live in it!

• • • • •

From: http://www.dailyom.com
March 9, 2013
Lifted by Outlook
Aries Daily Horoscope

Your optimism can spark your determination today, providing you with the motivation you need to reach a new phase of accomplishment. The visions of a more beautiful future that you entertain while working and playing will likely inspire you to double your efforts where your ambitions are concerned. You may feel buoyant and energized as you contemplate the fulfillment of your expectations. And because you are likely approaching your tasks with an attitude of confidence today, you may find that you do not hesitate when presented with auspicious opportunities. If you take pleasure in your quest for accomplishment, you will likely have little trouble looking on the brighter side of life.

The most potent forms of motivation are often those that originate within us, fueled by the joy we feel when we contemplate our positive expectations. When we focus on our dreams and hopes, we need not concern ourselves greatly with the trials we face in the pursuit of our ambitions. Though we must address these issues directly, they do not cause anxious thoughts to blossom in our minds. Rather, we choose to treat tribulation pragmatically by doing all that is within our power to overcome the roadblocks that stand in the way of our eventual success. Our spirits never flag and we can take pride in the fact that we are doing our best to meet our goals, no matter what the outcome of our efforts is. The optimism you carry in your heart today will energize you and ensure that you stay strong in the face of adversity.

Being Aware

I have spent quite a lot of energy trying to explain what it is like to live with and love someone with Alzheimer's. I struggle and struggle to understand it and therefore the subject shows up a lot in my writing. Peter, my therapist says it cannot be explained, and although I know he is right, I keep trying.

I can give examples, of which there have been many in these blogs, but I still cannot put my finger on exactly what I am experiencing during these situations gone awry. Here is one more example. Gregory was sitting in the car and had put a carry bag on the floor between his feet. When we arrived at our destination, he unfastened his seat belt, opened the door, but then had some difficulty getting out of the car because of the carry bag.

He interpreted the difficulty to not having unfastened his seat belt so he began fumbling around to release it. He did find a belt, the one holding up his pants, so he began to take that off. I stopped him, took the bag from between his feet, and instructed "Now you can get out." At this stage of the disease, I don't try to explain to him what went wrong (and maybe I would be better off if I didn't try to explain to myself.)

While spending some time trying to answer this question once more with friend and Alzheimer's researcher Aaron and his wife Brady, I think I came closest to understanding why I am having such a hard time trying to explain what experiencing the disease from the caregiver side is like, what I go through in dealing with some of the "crazy" behaviors and interactions that Alzheimer's brings to our daily life.

What I finally understood is that one can only truly understand something that one can experience. Since I do not have Alzheimer's, I will never truly understand it because I cannot truly experience what it is like to have the disease. I can only experience it from the outside looking in. Also, the nature of Alzheimer's is that it invents itself as it goes along, not based on any rhyme or reason so how can one have a rational, reasonable grip on understanding it.

This nature of thinking and being and feeling takes place through the creation of a millions and millions of interconnected thoughts and experiences which when combined produce language, memory, behaviors, personality, emotions, etc. How any one individual combines those interconnected pieces will be different from the next so that pushes the possible combinations into infinity. One should marvel that communication and interaction between members of the species takes place at all.

So when the brain begins to collect plaque, when synapses get tangled, when associations and connections begin to short circuit or disappear, when the complex web that is thinking begins to misfire, when the many parts of what it took to learn have gone missing, when the integration of a person's personality begins to disintegrate ...  there is no way for the outsider (i.e. you or me) to really experience and therefore understand the manifestation of the disease.

With that said, I will probably continue to work at being as articulate and even lyrical as possible in my blog descriptions as I continue to search for understanding. That search will last long after Gregory is gone. Unless I leave first and then maybe I will be at peace in my search.

The above meditation arrives daily at my e-mail's door. This one spoke loudly to me as often, in the midst of our Alzheimer's Journey, I am not able to interpret or see how to apply the meditation.

WONDERFUL THINGS THAT THERE ALREADY ARE

Gregory often tells me he loves me.

His five to nine year old boy behaviors are endearing.

He tries hard to "get it right."

He seems to hold on to knowing what he doesn't know, like do NOT use the garbage disposal.

Gregory always says thank you.

He enjoys the meals I prepare for him and "goes on" about how delicious they are.

Says "Oh Goodie" when I tell him about our next adventure or who is coming to visit.

He still tries to communicate although words usually fail him.

In bed at night, we hold hands as we fall asleep.

He apologizes when he does something stupid.

Gregory tells me that I cannot always be calm and understanding.

He loves to paint and always looks forward to seeing his mentor/teacher/friend Nancy.

He shows me the daily architectural picture in his calendar.

He makes the bed when he thinks of it.

He laughs at my jokes and silliness. 

I love him.