Six Pillars of the Wholehearted Life

"I now know many people who’ve suffered the loss of the dearest person in their lives. At first they go into deep grief, certain that their lives will never again be worth living.

But then they slowly awaken to the fact that not in spiteof their loss, but because of it, they’ve become bigger, more compassionate people, with more capacity of heart to take in other people’s sorrows and joys. These are broken-hearted people, but their hearts have been broken open, rather than broken apart. 

So, every day, exercise your heart by taking in life’s little pains and joys — that kind of exercise will make your heart supple, the way a runner makes a muscle supple, so that when it breaks, (and it surely will,) it will break not into a fragment grenade, but into a greater capacity for love."

This quote is from Parker Palmer's commencement address at Naropa University on the Six Pillars of the Wholehearted Life.

Naropa University is a Buddhist-inspired, student-centered liberal arts university in Boulder, Colorado. A recognized leader in contemplative education, Naropa's undergraduate and graduate programs emphasize professional and personal growth, intellectual development, and contemplative practice.

Through rigorous academics, faculty mentoring, contemplative practice, and community engagement, Naropa students develop the abilities to think critically, to communicate effectively, and to know their hearts and minds. 

The result: Graduates who live deeply fulfilling lives working to improve people's lives and the condition of our planet.

Hear the entire address:

Tears, Suffering, and Emotions

When I was going through chemo for Lymphoma some ten years ago, my doctor told me, "It is OK to cry ... but only for 15 minutes at a time." If you find you are crying for longer than that call me, I can help.

Buddhism tells me, "It is OK to sit with your suffering without being judgmental, just sit with it. See if there are any messages in it for you. Then bless it and have it go on its way as you go on your way."

Giving into emotions is OK and they tell me, "You are feeling these emotions as a barometer of how you are doing in this situation. Thank them, look for lessons in them, and then move on."

If you feel that you will become overwhelmed by your crying, suffering, and/or emotions or do not want to deal with them right at the moment, bless them, thank them, tell them you cannot sit with them right now. Invite them to come back another day when you are feeling stronger and send them on their way.

This may seem difficult to do but as I practice it often enough it works easily and well for me. Although one time when I was really feeling down and at the same moment I invited them to leave, the fire alarm system in my condo (it was around midnight) went off announcing "An emergency has been noted. Walk to the nearest exit stairwell and evacuate the building."

I got dressed, left the building, walked outside back to the lobby, found out that it was a false alarm, went back to my condo, and realized that in effect I was distracted enough that I was feeling better. I told my tears, suffering, and emotions that next time they should leave quietly!

Controling the Uncontrollable

I was just talking with my therapist the other day about feeling somewhat gloomy about the suffering going on around me in the world with ISIS, and police violence, etc. He mirrored below saying, "there has always been suffering in the world." Then added, "It is what we do with it." When you read today's Daily OM horoscope for Aries, I would say it applies to all signs of the zodiac and could very well apply to all caregivers taking care of the ones they love.

March 13, 2015 Creating a Loving World Aries Daily HoroscopeYour concern about the state of affairs in the world today could leave you feeling unsettled. Because of the care you have for others in your heart, you might be sensitive to the problems you see around you and may feel helpless to ease them. Reminding yourself that even though there has always been suffering in the world you still have the power to manifest more positive things through your thoughts and actions make help you feel a greater sense of control over the uncontrollable. Should you, for example, hear something that makes you feel gloomy, you might take a few minutes to send your love to that person and wish them well. Try to imagine them enveloped in a bath of your loving energy. Changing your focus so that your thoughts are positive and hopeful could make you feel better today. Hope for our world begins with ourselves—. We can'’t control the world around us, but we can control our minds. Even though things may seem hopeless, if we can tune out the negative and set our minds on the positive, we will begin to have greater control over our reactions to world events. This is an important first step toward taking action to make our world a better place. If you can channel more love into your heart today and extend that love to others, you will alter the vibratory energy of our world subtly and pave the way to create more peace and optimism around you.

Compassion

Gregory, since almost the beginning of his journey with Alzheimer's, has had this quote posted on his bedside nightstand (it is still there and notice I have kept my misspelled COMPASSION.) The quote is one of the first things I framed and hung on the wall next to Gregory's bed at Lieberman. We review it together often and hopefully it has been an inspiration as well to the Lieberman Staff.

My posts over the time since he as been at Lieberman have talked about the joy and love that I receive from so many of the residents who are now part of Gregory's "family." Today is Entertainment Sunday when I get to see many of our Fifth Floor Family but also many of the residents on other floors with whom I have become friendly. Sure enough, this horoscope speaks loudly to what I experience when I am with Gregory and our new Family.

February 22, 2015 Compassion by Feeling Aries Daily HoroscopeFeelings of profound empathy can touch you deeply today, inspiring you to take action in the ongoing, worldwide fight against suffering. As you see the scope of pain that afflicts those who are less fortunate than yourself, your ability to understand these individuals’ emotional challenges can help you direct your charitable efforts toward those causes that can benefit most from your aid. You may feel a strong sense of camaraderie while interacting with those on the receiving end of your love and support today. If you remember that your circumstances are blessings that you have been given, you will likely feel no hesitation as you share your resources, time, and talents with others. It is a simple matter to integrate compassionate action into our everyday lives when we make an effort to understand how anguish and need impact the lives of those less fortunate than ourselves. When we choose to expose ourselves to the full impact of poverty and pain, we begin to understand the profound effects these disadvantages have on those who labor under them. We feel not only the pangs of our own compassion, but also the intense emotions experienced by these less fortunate individuals. This empathy becomes the catalyst that compels us to put aside our own cares in order to focus on charitable, loving endeavors that will eventually improve the lot of people who need our help. Your understanding of the challenges that others face will inspire you to take action against the plight of those who suffer today.  For more information visit dailyom.com This article is printed from DailyOM - Inspirational thoughts for a happy, healthy and fulfilling day. Register for free at www.dailyom.com

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Reply from a Reader

Hi,

I saw your post regarding the Best Friends video from DailyOm.  I know you don't know me and I'm sure you have plenty of support but a book that really helped me during my mother's illness was "Making Rounds with Oscar."  I've shared it with several people suffering the terribly devastating disease that is Alzheimers.  It is a tender story about how some of us have walked the hard road of this disease.

I also read a little bit on your blog about end of life and the difficult decision to let a body shutdown and when is the quality of life gone and here's what I've learned.  After 51 years of marriage, my mother passed away last February two weeks after their anniversary. My father had cared for her in her dementia for longer than I even know. I would say the quality was probably gone the last four weeks.  The last two break my heart thinking about them even now.

This past summer, my formerly vibrant father was diagnosed and then treated for severe blockages in four vessels in his heart.  He went home twice after the surgery but he never recovered.  The third time we went home, it was on hospice.  That was late August.  I stayed with him every day.  He was chair-bound.  A once shy and very proud gentleman, he needed help with everything except eating. He never complained, was rarely cranky, and always said "thank you" for the even the smallest things.

I asked myself many times over those last months why was he suffering and where was the quality of his life.  And very near the end when I was grappling with what I couldn't possibly control, he awoke after almost a full day of unconsciousness and stretched like a sleepy little boy.  I wouldn't have missed that stretch for anything in the world...and then he ate a big breakfast. And so, though the coming days were hard, I thought to myself, "there's still quality."  Still a connection.

I am not a proponent of some of the heroic things we try to do to save the people we love or the things the medical world throws to us as treatment.  I think you have to weigh comfort over 'to what end?' but, I believe, without question, there's a plan and a path.  I think my father lived exactly the time I needed, my sister needed, our families needed, to transition us to our life without him.  He passed away on December 9th, 2014.  Tomorrow would have been Mother and Daddy's 52nd wedding anniversary.

I tell you this because I see the love in your eyes for your sweet babboo.  I don't know what it is to lose the love of your life but I know what it is to lose someone I love...two people in a very short time.  I know what it is to bear slightly more than you think you can bear.  I know what it is to be a primary caregiver and be sad and angry and exhausted and just want something so simple, it is silly.

I just wanted you to know your comment and your blog touched me.  I wish you peace on your journey and enough strength to enjoy the good moments and endure the hard ones.

I don't know what your faith is or is not but I'm going to hold a good thought for both of you and I wish you continued love on Valentine's Day and beyond.

NL

At Peace With Suffering

STAY PRESENT, WITHOUT SECURITY"Instead of asking ourselves, “How can I find security and happiness?” we could ask ourselves, “Can I touch the center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace—disappointment in all its many forms—and let it open me?” This is the trick."

Thank you to Shambhala Publications for the Heart Advice of the Week. To get yours, sign up at www.shambhala.com/heartadvice/

EGO Trips

Here is Pema with this week's quote. What it says to me is that even with our deepest suffering, we can deal with it lightly. We need not struggle with difficult emotions. The EGO is always trying to stir up trouble so it can keep its job. If we were calm, happy, trouble free ... the EGO would be out of work so it must stir things up. Taking oneself so seriously when struggling with life's path as Pema says is yet another EGO Trip. Lighten up! You will solve your problems and you will enjoy the path.

Suffering

LEARN MORE | BOOKS AND AUDIO | THE PEMA CHÖDRÖN FOUNDATION

April 23, 2014 THE OPPOSITE OF SAMSARA The opposite of samsara (the cycle of suffering) is when all the walls fall down, when the cocoon completely disappears and we are totally open to whatever may happen, with no withdrawing, no centralizing into ourselves. That is what we aspire to, the warrior’s journey. That is what stirs us: leaping, being thrown out of the nest, going through the initiation rites, growing up, stepping into something that’s uncertain and unknown.

This sounds like "Hard Love" advice but often we are presented with situations in which all the walls do fall down. So perhaps the advice is to create your "Warrior's Journey" yourself, instead of waiting or it to happen. More Buddhist like might be, "If the Warrior's Journey presents itself, open your arms and embrace it with love."

How Many Times?

How often can I cry out to the mountains, pleading
When its weight in rocks is my life's daily pain?

Screaming NO NO NO in my sad, lonely silence
Until my throat and breathing cries NO NO NO.

Overwhelmed. Devastated. Exhausted. Sad.
Tears of blood flowing, washing down my face.

With my emotions which are no longer valid to him
But still oh so valid for me, oh so valid, oh so real.

He does not cause this, but I am brutally caused.
He does not control, this but I am cruelly controlled.

Not understanding even the words I very carefully use
Nor the explanations I still try to give, to help, to share.

We sit at the restaurant table with our closest friends
I hold his hand, stroking, trying to help him be involved.

Love cannot describe the immensity or the agony of my love
That no longer soothes but only torments and tortures.

How often can I cry out to the mountains, suffering
When its weight in rocks is my life's daily pain?

.

Drive All Suffering Into One’s Ego

Drive All Suffering Into One’s Ego
Original teaching by Pema Chödrön
February 2013 in honor of her 77^th birthday

Reinterpreted by Michael Horvich August 2013

It is hard to separate one’s ego from what one thinks of as one’s self. So this is not about blaming oneself for one’s suffering but rather one’s ego which controls self. One can do this by distinguishing between what is causing you to suffer and what is the trigger. What is the difference between the two? The cause and the catalyst.

We have preexisting propensities which are like seeds stored in the unconscientious. One acts in the same predictable way as though it is a rut one is stuck in. Someone says something that hurts your feelings for example, and it triggers a predetermined propensity to feel bad, even if what the person says is not true. Just seeing that person or remembering what they said can trigger the suffering. The person is NOT the cause, the person is the trigger.

If you want to wake up, be free of suffering, what must you learn then? You need to work with the propensity NOT the trigger. It is so easy for our attention to go to the thing which triggered the feeling not the cause of the feeling. Triggers activate preexisting propensities. One needs to look closely at the cause, at the preexisting propensity, NOT the trigger.

Often the trigger is no longer valid or in reality is not about the suffering anymore but it none-the-less triggers the preexisting propensity.

We cannot get rid of the triggers until we have studied the propensities. By allowing the triggers to “get you” you, you strengthen the propensity. Distinguish what triggers your suffering from your preexisting propensity and you weaken its power over you.

To work on this, don’t blame the propensity, recognize it and acknowledge it and be conscientious that the preexisting propensity continues to affect your suffering. It is a HUGE step when you can distinguish between the trigger and the propensity.

Let the story line go as you would do when meditating. In meditation you are focused on your breath, you have a thought, you note or recognize it, you go back to focusing on your breath. You do not have to act on your thought or give in to it. You do not have to fight it, repress it or ignore it. Just note it, recognize it, go back to your focus.

The same can be done when a someone or something triggers a pre-existing propensity. Label the feeling (propensity) when it occurs. Locate the pain that leads to the propensity. When you locate the pain, send your unconditional love. Do not blame the propensity, send love. Do not be harsh or repressive against the feeling or yourself. Use a hand gesture to the heart or the cheek as a way of sending it love. Most propensities are based on fear, fear of danger. The way to work with the fear is to help it relax by sending unconditional love.

By recognizing the propensities that are triggered and then sending unconditional love and comfort to the propensity you will help it to relax and loose its strength over you and eventually the suffering it causes.

The Journey Downward

From: Pema Chödrön at Shambhala
http://www.shambhala.com/contact-us

• Spiritual awakening is frequently described as a journey to the top of a mountain. In the process of discovering bodhichitta [the awakened heart], the journey goes down, not up. It’s as if the mountain pointed toward the center of the earth instead of reaching into the sky. Instead of transcending the suffering of all creatures, we move toward the turbulence and doubt. We explore the reality and unpredictability of insecurity and pain, and we try not to push it away. If it takes years, if it takes lifetimes, we let it be as it is. At our own pace, without speed or aggression, we move down and down and down. With us move millions of others, our companions in awakening from fear. At the bottom we discover water, the healing water of bodhichitta. Right down there in the thick of things, we discover the love that will not die. 

Taken from: http://www.tricycle.com/wisdom-collection

Wisdom's Questions

When it’s time to suffer, you should suffer; when it’s time to cry, you should cry. Cry completely. Cry until there are no more tears and then recognize in your exhaustion that you’re alive. The sun still rises and sets. The seasons come and go. Absolutely nothing remains the same and that includes suffering. When the suffering ends wisdom begins to raise the right questions.

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Seido Ray Ronce

Suffering

A lovely quote posted by Lily on Facebook: 


"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh




(Pictured: Anne and Charles Lindbergh)