Past, Present, Future

You've heard that old saw, "There is only now. The past is gone. The future is not yet here. All you really have is today!" I do not mean to diminish the message as I do believe that being in the here and now is very important and all we really have, but ...

During the last two years of Gregory's life, we both really learned more about being in the now. His greatly diminished world at Lieberman was all he had and I believe that he really enjoyed not having to make decisions, the lack of stress, no pressure to perform, and no need to remember. In many ways he had always taken things as they came, didn't worry too much, and had confidence in himself that he would find the way when things got off target or lost but now his life was greatly simplified.

I learned not to spend too much time in the past and to really enjoy our time together at Lieberman as it unfolded. Again, how we spent our time together was diminished but for the most part, when I was able to accept the now, I was able to be in the moment without needing to regret the past or plan for the future.

Now that Gregory is no longer with me, at least physically, all I have of our love and relationship is the past and my memories of the past. Many of these memories are thankfully triggered by photographs. In fact as I have continued to clean out, rearrange, freshen and "re-claim" the condo for myself, I have been coming across more photographs of our time together.

The photographs represent vacations, family events, celebrations, holidays, and sometimes just posing in love. I have scanned some of these early, 36mm photos and am posting them here.

Of course I have  a now and I will have a future. I am not putting too much pressure on myself to discover there future right now but rather to just let it unfold as it chooses. My future is based on all who I have been and all that I currently am and I hope that as I arrive at who I will be, that it is (as Gregory and I are found of saying)"More Than Ever."

2635 Poplar, Evanston

 On brother Mark's boat

 In Roscoe, Chicago apartment

 At Mark & Diane's home in Goldwater, MI

Christmas with Mark & Diane and family in Goldwater, MI

In apartment on Roscoe Avenue in Chicago

2643 Poplar in Evanston

We built a Jewish holiday "Sukkoth" at 2643 Poplar in Evanston

2635 Poplar, Evasnton

Vacation in Jamaica

2643 Poplar, Evanston

Goldwater, Mi at Mark & Diane's 

Chicago Botanic Garden

Cookes

A Perfect Moment

Gregory has not been feeling well. He has a cold and deep cough. The staff at Lieberman was on it before I could even ask: Robitussin every four hours, antibiotics.

Even though he does not feel well, Gregory has been able to "settle" into his cold and be calm and stay comfortable. Manny continues to push the water and juice and has allowed Gregory to just rest.

Today when I visited, Gregory and I just sat and held hands. He slept for part of the time but was aware and focused for part of the time as well.

When I offered him a piece of chocolate he took it in his mouth, closed his eyes, and sighed "Oh my,' a few times.

Gregory's reaction to the chocolate reaction was A Perfect Moment.

A July 4th Happy Birthday

Celebrating Gregory's birthday at the Lieberman Center with care giver Manny and companion/friend Alaksh. Gregory turned 66 today and it was with mixed emotions that we partied. In the first photo Gregory is not unhappy, just unfocused. In the third photo you will see his smiling face.

I think he knew it was his birthday and when I sang the birthday song to him on arrival he cried and I cried and we hugged. Later when we lit the candle and all sang, he sang along. After a little coaching and demonstrating, he blew out the candle. (P.S. He also blew out the candle on my cake last March.)

Really bittersweet. Devistating if I think of the past. Wonderful, grateful, and blessed when I think only of the here and now! 

Update

Just realized that I haven't given you an update on Gregory in a while. So first that and then to the post which brought me here so late at night.

Gregory continues to do well after a hectic first month arriving at Lieberman. His strength continues to return, he is more and more alert, he is happy and periodically cries for joy.

Communicative - no. Able to walk on his own - no. Able to feed himself - somewhat as prompted and when able to eat finger food.

Since he is still in a wheel chair, and by the time he notices he has to go to the bathroom, it is too late so we have "accidents." But the staff cleans him up quickly. He gets upset at having to "pee or shit himself" but by the time it is done, it isn't a remembered issue.

He has had many visitors and several repeat visitors. He is always happy to see our friends and family, may not remember your name but certainly KNOWS YOU and feels his love for you.

When reminded (which I try to avoid) of his past he gets a little upset: piano. painting, swimming. etc. He still is very much (fortunately) in the moment, doesn't ask why he is at Lieberman and doesn't ask about going home. He doesn't ask about the past or inquire into the future.

I have hired a helper to be with Gregory from 11:30-5:30, five days a week. Our Northwestern companion spends time with him the other two days a week.

I encourage you to visit Gregory if you are so inclined. I will go on the first visit with you (just to fill you in on the details and to help you acclimate) and then you are welcome to go back whenever you want (or we can go together again if you prefer.)

I would ask you to avoid visiting between 11:30 and 12:30 and 4:30 and 5:30 which are meal times. It gets a little overwhelming to have too many people around at that time. If you arrive and he is an an activity you can join the activity or have the helper take you and Gregory to his room for a visit. The helper will give you and Gregory  your privacy.

There is candy and cookies in his "kitchen corner." There are beverages in the refrigerator. Help yourself. If you want to offer something to Gregory, first get the helper's help.

If Gregory tries to get out of his wheel chair, encourage him not to. If at any time you are uncomfortable with what is going on, ask for help from his private helper or any of the helpers around.

If you do have any questions or concerns, please feel free to give me a call and ask.

The Three Times

This piece is useful to remind me that I can forgive myself because my poor behavior, decision, action etc is already dead. Move on. Live a better life here and now.

It is essential to see that we live our lives most of the time in the three times; that's to say, the past, the present, and the future. Why do I suffer now? It's because of something in the past. What about what should I do in the future. Well, I should plan to do something in the future. The odd fact is that the past actually is dead. There are memories of it, but everything in the past is actually gone, and every thing in the future has not yet arisen. There's only one place where you can actually be,  and that is now. This needs thinking about, because it's very easy to say that's a lot of nonsense - of course there's past, present, and future. But actually, the only place where there is something, is-ness, is only now. How could be there be anything else? Anything else is was-ness or will-be-ness. Is-ness is only now. And you, therefore, can only be now. You cannot be in the past. That's dead. You cannot be in the future. It hasn't come. You can only be now.

From Tricyle, The Buddhist Review. Spring 2013. P 14.
"The Three Times"

By: John Crook