Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty

Gregory and I have been watching all of the episodes from the last seven years of "The Big Bang Theory." Sometimes we watch three for four episodes in one sitting. The show is about a friendship between four young scientists, each of whom is more eccentric than the next. Penny, who lives across the hall, becomes part of their group, and various other characters come and go over the seasons. 

Most often each episode is OVER THE TOP or VERBALLY SEXUALLY EXPLICIT or   SILLY or IRONIC or TOUCHING or ALL OF THE ABOVE put together!

In one episode, Sheldon (who is probably the most neurotic, psychotic, paranoid, self centered, and a general pain in the ass to live with) is sick. He explains to Penny that his mother used to sing "Soft Kitty" to him when he was sick and asks if she would sing it to him.

The beautiful thing about the relationship between all of the characters is that no matter how obnoxious or rude they are to each other and those around them, eventually their love and caring for each other  always shines through.

I find I am greatly attracted to the song and at one point began singing it. Gregory always raises a fuss when I sing the song ... but I sing anyway. I have taken to singing it to him when we go to bed at night. So why am I engaged with this little "jingle?"

I think that at heart, we are all frightened little boys (or girls) looking for someone or something to comfort ourselves. I think that life is overwhelming and often seems out of control and we are looking for a little peace of mind.

In my situation with Gregory, I find that I have no one to comfort me. Apologies to my family and friends reading this. I know that you care, that your are supportive, that you are there for Gregory and me. But when I get really sad, there is no one who can really rock me, hold me, comfort me, let me know everything will be OK, dry my tears; like my Gregory used to ... or my mommy ... but one of them is gone now and one is slowly leaving.

And yet, there is a lot of Gregory still here and even though his Alzheimer's is what is causing my sadness, I do not blame him or love him less. And therefore I guess I comfort myself as I comfort him by singing:

Soft Kitty

Warm Kitty

Little ball of fur

Happy Kitty

Sleepy Kitty

Purr Purr Purr

Click here to hear "Soft Kitty" on U-Tube.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 7

The Intention of today's Practice was peace and calm and healing not only for ourselves but also for the world. This in light of the Boston Marathon Bombing and the poisoned letters arriving at the offices of various senators and the White House.

Some how it felt especially good to offer the Practice to something greater than just myself. The beginning of this practice felt like what prayer should be ... and it felt good. Most prayer to me feels like a form of begging or negotiating with some old, wise man sitting in judgement, who exists outside of myself, and who controls what happens to me. I feel the most successful prayer, if I need to use that word, has to do with going inside myself having faith in knowing that the answers exist within. Today, I reached a new level of understanding about how I want to define prayer for myself.

In the part of the Practice where one deals with Emotions, Corinne suggested that instead avoiding letting the emotion distract from the meditation, we work with it.We should picture ourselves in front of a door with the emotion on the other side. When the door is opened, what form does the emotion take: a person, a feeling, a word, a place? Talk with the emotion. Spend some time with the emotion. What is it trying to say to you? What does it want to show you or have you learn? What do you want to say to the emotion?

For a lot of people, spending time with emotion is difficult. Confronting it, dealing with it, embracing it, is hard to do. For me, this time, much to my amazement my mother was on the other side of the door. She extended her arms and took me into her bosom. She told me that she knows how much sadness I hold in my heart and what a huge responsibility I have on my shoulders supporting Gregory through his difficulties with Alzheimer's Disease.  She asked me to let her help me carry my load and to support me. The experience was quite beautiful and reassuring.

This was the last Practice in this series of meetings. I have decided to take a month off and then look at joining the next session. I will miss the weekly "escapes" but can listen the recorded MP3's that Corinne sends us of each Practice if and when I need to. I owe her so much for the calm, tranquility, and lessons she has helped me work through using Yoga Nidra.

http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 1

I have begun the next round of seven sessions of Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/

It felt good to be back for the practice in what Corinne calls the "need to recharge." The session concentrated on the first 5 levels of the yoga practice (as pictured below) and lightly touched on the others.

My intention for the session was just to get back into the practice but also the word PEACE cropped up again.

My heartfelt desire is to be able to find a place where I can get away from yesterday, today, and tomorrow. To get away from myself, my responsibilities, my worries, my concerns. The ability to be in the NOW is so important and I want to be able to do that more often. The need to be at peace with myself and my life is so strong.

For at least one hour a week in Yoga Nidra, I can do just that, work on being able to do it more often on my own,  and as a bonus periodically get in touch with thoughts that I am not otherwise able hear because of all the noise in my head.

I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.

I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.

Then I added, just across a path, my tiny one room house just big enough for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply knowing how much is enough.

Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.

Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.

Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."

This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.

Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died but whom I still hold in my heart.

It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.

So I am well on my way to continued adventures with Yoga Nidra. I am also going to do a few sessions with Gregory which Corinne will tailor to his language abilities (if we can figure out where they lie) and see if he can benefit from just being in a quiet place with himself and no outside world expectations. As you can imagine, I will report back.

Finally I had to think about why I was posting my yoga experiences here on the Alzheimer's BLOG instead of my writer's BLOG. I guess Alzheimer's is such a large part of my life, as is Gregory such a large love of my life, that this was the best place for it.