Yoga for Loss and Grieving: Session 4 - Never Agains!

Missed last week's session 3. This week we worked on "Practice Intention" which was setting an intention for what might come out of today's session and "Life Long Desire," a more over time, life-long intention that we would like to consider.

For my "Intention," I set "Self-Forgiveness." Self-forgiveness for those times I didn't really understand what Gregory was going through as the effects of his Alzheimer's/ Dementia progressed. Self-Forgiveness for those times I could have done a better job if I was more aware of exactly it was that he was experiencing. Even though I did the best I could at the time, and even though I did a pretty terrific job, there is some grieving at not having been a better support to him, of getting angry with him, and at times of being downright mean to him!

While I have been beating myself up a little less as time has passed since Gregory died, I still wish I could have been better and obviously there is no way to go back in time to redo my behavior. I know that Gregory always forgave me and I was always able to quickly apologize; still the feelings and emotions linger of not ever again being able to make it right! That is one of the irrational side effects of death: the NEVER AGAIN syndrome!

For my "Life Long Desire," I set the idea of wondering what the rest of my life would be like and how I could spend it doing good for others.

Following the setting of the "Intention" and the "Desire" we let them drift into the background, as we continued our Yoga Nidra practice, knowing that we had acknowledged them but did not need to do anything about them or work on them. Just having noted them was enough for now.

Next, we visited our "Internal Resource" place, that place we can go to anytime we need to seek peace and comfort and safety. This time Gregory was not in bed but was waiting to greet me by the door. We hugged with great love and joy in a way that we had not hugged for a long long time due to his being in a wheelchair for over a year during his time at Lieberman. I wanted it to be real so it was, for a few moments real.

Again, like last session, while being in my Internal Resource place was beautiful, if was emotionally overwhelming. The realization was that hugging Gregory could only exist here, in my Internal Resource now and only in my imagination made me very sad (although I fancied that I was really hugging him and if I deemed it so, it was so!) Once again death waved the NEVER AGAIN flag. Hugging Gregory could exist in my memory but never again in real life. Somehow I will have to come to grips with this being enough for me.

I realized that while often I am happy and enjoying my new life without Gregory, the shadow of sadness still strongly fades every bright color that shines through the clouds. I cried silently so as not to disturb the other students or instructor in the class.

Slowly I drifted back to the rest of the practice with its breathing, its being aware of my body in relation to the floor and the air and the room. Slowly I returned to the calmness and peacefulness of the practice and for the time being left my sorrow behind. When it was time to slowly come back to reality, back to my body, back to the room with the other students, the tears flowed again but I gathered myself together, put my pillows and blankets and chair back in the store room, wished Corrine a "Thank You" and came home to write this post.

While I believe that I gained much from the session, I am aware that I am feeling somewhat numb and spent. I hope I will sleep well tonight.

Yoga for Loss and Grieving: Session 2 - A Place Called Peace:

I am now participating in my third round of Yoga/Meditation practices class with Corinne Peterson. http://www.corinnepeterson.com

Today in session two of round 3, during our guided Resting Yoga Nidra meditation, we once again revisited our "Internal Resource." It is a place created in our imagination, in our mind, where we can go to feel peace, to escape to if we feel fear or upset during the meditation. It can be a place of refuge we can take a few minutes to visit whenever in life we feel sad or in need of a sense of peace.

Here is an excerpt from the post dealing with my "Internal Resource" post during a previous round of classes: 

I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.

I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.

This time I added quite a few things to the image. Just across a path, I added a tiny one room cabin just big enough in which for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply with knowing how much is enough.

Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.

Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.

Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."

Here is an excerpt from the next post dealing with my "Internal Resource" post during a previous round of classes: 

This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. While in the cabin I though I sensed a movement or shadow.  First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.

Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died and whom I still hold in my heart.

It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.

I went into today's session without any expectations, so what happened was surprise.

First during our stretching, when I was reaching out and upward with both arms I felt like I was opening myself up and searching for something. Not sure what I was looking for, I just stayed with the feeling and found myself crying silently with tears rolling down my face.

Next, today's visit to my "Inner Resource" was just as peaceful as it had been previously. 

This time I stayed in the little cabin remembering that I had previously visited with our RIP cats, Mariah most recently (RIP) and my mom (RIP.)

Then I decided that I could "conjure" Gregory to join us. At first I pictured him on the comfortable, cozy, quilt covered cot, sleeping on his back. I did not like this image because that is how I last saw him in his bed at Lieberman after he had died.

So I turned him on his right side (in my mind's eye) thinking that he had not been able to do that for himself for close to two years. Before I knew it, my picture (without my thinking about it) had Mariah (RIP) curled up in the crook of his knee.

Next I climbed in with them, with Gregory "spooning" me. For most of his last year at home, I would "spoon" him with my arm around him sending my protection towards him.

I enjoyed the image and the experience but began to wonder if I was just being creative or if there was something deeper in my ability to conjure him into the cabin and the scene which was unfolding.

Without my needing to do much thinking I realized that his arm was around me as he was sending protection towards me in his embrace. I didn't really have to imagine his arm around me, it just was there.

After spending some time with Gregory, as Corinne began the "gently begin to return to the room and be aware of your surroundings,' the tears flowed freely. The experience was moving, emotional, and intense.

I had not expect something this "big" to happen so maybe that is why it did. Either way, I will not question it too deeply, but just enjoy having had the experience and know that I can go back there anytime I choose.

Meditation

Session five.

Spent more time today on emotions, session intention, and heartfelt life desires. I won't be able to be too articulate about this session because I WAS GONE. For the full 40 or so minutes. I was able to reach a deeply meditative state away from day to day activities which often are hassles especially at this holiday season. Was able to get away from Gregory as a main focus and spend some quality time with myself. All kinds of little awarenesses came and went but none dominated or distracted my relaxed meditative state. It felt good.

My intention was to be better able to take care of myself in whatever ways are necessary. "I take care of myself."

My heartfelt desire was HAPPINESS. "I am happy."

Interestingly enough I did spend a little time thinking about those activities which I would usually attribute to my responsibilities and immense love for Gregory. I realized that those very "requests," summarized by the term HAPPINESS, all had to do with me! For example being supportive of Gregory in a loving, even, patient way provide me with peace of mind and therefore happiness. So Gregory definitely benefits, but those actions add to my feeling of happiness.

I visited my "internal resource," which I have mentioned previously. It is deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers, and just across a path my tiny house just big enough for one. Today I added a rustic bench to the garden. About a block away at the edge of the forest is the ocean with the waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden. Corinne suggested we give our "internal resource" a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I called it, "Peace."

We revisited the ability to "Welcome" emotions, to recognize "Emotional Fusing" and to be able to de-fuse. Welcoming means that as human beings we WILL experience emotions, some good some disturbing. By recognizing that fluxuation of the emotions one can invite the disturbing ones in, wonder about them, deal with them, "ask them" that they are seeking from you, and finally ask them out.

Fusing deals with the occasions in which the emotions totally take you over, like being so angry you "see red" or you "rage" or can't stop crying. By realizing that you are fused with the difficult emotion, you can accept it but then begin to release and back away and defuse from it. We all get "fused" periodically, but better to be aware of the "fusion" than to be lost or trapped in it without awareness.