Manny

This man, if not a Saint then a highly placed angel, made Gregory's 20 months at The Lieberman Center pretty exceptional. The loving care Manny gave and the bond he and Gregory developed was a thing of beauty. Manny gave Gregory comfort, nourishment, music, fresh air and sunshine, chocolates, DVD movies, stories read aloud, exercise, camaraderie, touch, love, and more. In turn Gregory gave Manny cooperation in his tasks, smiles, growls, funny faces, tears, peaceful looks, songs, meaningful babble, unspoken love and adoration, and more. I will be forever grateful to you Manny Kagatan!

Lieberman Spring Carnival

I am sure I will be writing about this for several days to come but meanwhile this is my thank you to the helpers who joined me today at the Carnival:

DL, SL, SL, JY, JB, IB, CA, LG, WG, EM, NC, HS, RS, SL, JL, PA, MP, SSP, RM, NL, RL, RL, KN, VN,

A vision is no good without people to help you support that vision. Thanks so much for your help today at Lieberman and for being the first to help usher in my 70th year.

Together we made so many people happy including Lieberman residents and their families, Lieberman staff, and very importantly each other. Events like this, which for the most part take only a little energy, pay back with such great rewards of joy. 

So many laughs, so many smiles, so many thank yous, so many boxes of popcorn and push-ups, so many men and woman hugging their prize Beanie Babies, were our thanks. I do consider the ability to spread the joy a gift from Gregory and a gift of Alzheimer’s. 

As I said, Gregory may not be able to remember your name or exactly how you connect to his life, but he does know and feel your love for him and knows that you are special to him as well!

I love you all and consider myself blessed to have you in my life and for your continuing loyalty to Gregory and me!

Michael

Question About Depression From Blog Reader

Can I ask if depression was part of Gregorys realm early on when he understood what he was facing? Depression has been a huge barrier for A. He's on medication and we have a new psychotherapist and with the weather improving exercise will be a help. I'm just wondering if you have any other ideas on how to keep spirits lifted and positive.

a few seconds ago

Gregory was somewhat lucky in that the Alzheimer's provided a barrier between the disease and his understanding of what was happening to him. Greg has always been a calm, easy going, relaxed, positive person so I think that helped. Friends would ask how things were going and Gregory would reply, "It has been going very well." I, on the other hand, knew that things were getting worse. Gregory just didn't see or know. At times he was aware of his losses but he knew he could trust me, I never made him feel "less than" or diminished and I always kept upbeat, optimistic, and hopeful in front of him. I learned how to cry myself to sleep without waking him. I also couldn't really discuss the changes with him because he was not aware of them and I did not want to burden him with my dealings. That is when I turned to the computer to process, get closure, write about what I was feeling. I would recommend more attention to DRUGS and making sure you get the best balance. They have helped Gregory at Lieberman when he became frustrated, angry, and resistive again. Getting the right balance was difficult, between drugged and sleepy and alert and present, but they are doing really well now. The staff keeps an eye on that with me. I worked very hard at trying to keep our life and our home as "normal" as possible and that meant changing, redefining, revising, and keeping on keeping on no matter how down I might have felt inside. We went out to eat, to the show, to the opera, hosted parties, socialized ... with me continuing to increase my role in helping him be successful in those situations. Hope my talking "around" the topic has helped.

Telling Jokes

"Did you hear the one about ..."

Yesterday spending lunch time with Greg. He was in a great mood. Telling jokes (least the rhythm of his phrasing sounded like jokes), cracking me and himself up.... He let me feed him soup, burger, potatoes and apple crisp. I'd say his appetite has definitely returned!

Petrie Dish Part II

Manny, Gregory's day care aide, was ill Monday through Wednesday. He is rarely off from work so I can imagine that he must have been feeling really poorly. I covered lunch and dinner on the first day, did lunch and asked Isaac to cover dinner on the second day, and then I got sick on the third day.

101.7 fever. Nauseous. Runs. Slept all day.

Susan, dear old neighborhood neighbor and friend covered lunch and Pat, dear new friend and Gregory aficionado covered dinner. Susan's comment was, "I just love when he reaches out and holds my hand." Pat's comment was, "I have not made such a mess since the boys were in high chairs. Too much round food!

I share this with you for several reasons. First I am grateful to my family of friends for their being available to support Gregory when I am not able to.

Also, for those of you who are caring for a loved one, do not be afraid or embarrassed to ask family and friends for help. You will find that if they can spare the time, do not have to work at that time, or do not have previous unchangeable plans; they will be at you side to support you and your loved one!

Gregory Maire: Studies in Color and Form: Part 2 The Failure

Many of our wonderful family of friends were able to attend the 6:00 Opening Reception for Gregory's Art Show. The invitation was low key and I understood that the timing was not easy for a lot of people.

That said, thank you for being there or R.S.V.P.ing your not being able to join us: Pat, Isaac, Cheryl, Emily, Kathleen, Vic, Linda, George, Corinne, Nancy, Susan, Jan, Jake, Roger, Marc, Alan, Nancy, Dan, David, Danny. Hope I didn't forget anyone.

The day event at 2:00 was quite successful as you read in the previous post. Gregory was quite exhausted by 3:00 or 3:30 and went up to his room with Manny to take a nap and then have dinner from 4:30 until 5:30.

In anticipation for the 6:00 reception, Manny made sure that Gregory got changed and after he was changed he peed and pooped again and had to be changed again. This is not an easy task for Gregory or those involved.

It takes putting a sling around and under him, lifting him out of his wheel chair in this dinosaur type machine, swinging him over to the bed, lowering him onto the bed, removing the sling, rolling him from side to side to take away the soiled clothing, cleaning him up, and putting on new clothing. 

Gregory is unable to assist so when the aides move him around, no matter how gently, Gregory is uncomfortable, possible in a little pain, and while I am not sure if he is embarrassed anymore at not being able to toilet himself, perhaps this figures into the experience. 

Not sure at what point he "messed again" but having to go through even part of the ordeal again was not easy on Gregory or the aides.

By the time Gregory got down to the lobby all of his guests had arrived, hung up their coats, and were looking at the artwork. Gregory being exhausted, and possibly overwhelmed, was "not present." He sat nobly in his wheel chair but his eyes were closed. 

I tried "waking him up" if he was sleeping but I think that he just didn't want to open his eyes. I call this "My Seven Year Old Stubborn Little Boy Syndrome." 

Most likely he was so overwhelmed from the events of the first reception, then eating dinner and having to go through two "changes," that this was his way of just not wanting any more stimulation.

A number of people came up to say hello, to pet him, to try to get a reaction ... but none took place. I tried to get him to open his eyes several time ... but no go.

Next, as I was hugging him, I lost it. I stifled a loud sob, but not stifled soon enough for the group of friends not to hear. I cried into Gregory's neck/shoulder until I could gain my composure, took deep breath, and came up for air. I understand my eyes were not the only wet ones in the crowd.

At this point Gregory did open his eyes. I leaned in towards him and in my usual slow and carefully pronounced way I said, "I love you very much." He looked at me and replied, "I know."

Next I continued, "And you make me very very happy" to which he replied, "I know."

Then he looked me directly in my eyes and said loudly and clearly, "Thank You!" He closed his eyes and disappeared for the rest of the reception.

Enough said? I learned many lessons and had several insights. So calling the reception a "failure" is not really true.

First, I had hoped so much that he would be present for those people we value most in the world, our friends. Next I realized that I was disappointed in his behavior (erroneous) and embarrassed (erroneous) in front of our friends.

I also realized that this reception was another one of my attempts at making it seem, for Gregory and me, like our life is "normal" when in reality it is NOT! My expectations for Gregory had inadvertently caused him to become uncomfortable, not feel safe, and to withdraw.

I am not sorry about the experience because it is always a risk when trying to provide Gregory with "joy" and "meaning," I would not want to settle for less if I did not have to, and I was able to learn from it.

I need to be more aware of how much he will be able to take and when enough stimulation is enough. I need to keep in mind his comfort zone, not mine. 

While I felt disappointment and embarrassment, those were emotions triggered by old learning and no longer really a part of me, Gregory and my situation, and definitely not true triggers or true emotions.

I know that our family of friends were there to support both Gregory and me and I appreciate that. I know that Gregory was aware of the love and support that was in the room for him.

In the end, the most important part was Gregory letting me know he knows I love him, knows he makes me happy, and thanked me for letting him know that. That is all that really matters (and the new lessons hopefully not to be repeated next time.)

Alone

Peaceful the Bear, Manny, and I have Gregory covered!

This Evening at Lieberman

When I arrived, Gregory was already at dinner. When he saw me, without the usual delay in focusing time he loudly said, "Oh, so you did come!" He was very pleased to see me then cried the requisite "Tears of Joy." He was very present, in a good mood, and ate what seemed like a triple portion of spaghetti and meat sauce, green beans, and mandarin oranges for dessert.

Batia, one of Gregory's table mates was complaining to me that the chair (wheel chair) was not cooperating. It was as if someone had "pulled out the bottom and I can't make heads or tails of it." I tried to help her sit further back in the chair but to no avail. I folded up four or five cloth napkin/bibs to make a sort of back support. She cooperatively leaned forward and I placed the "pillow." I asked how that felt and she said it did some good but not enough. I went back to Gregory's room and grabbed one of his extra pillows, brought it into the dining room and placed it behind Batia's back. "Much better," she told me, "Where did you get your training?"

Martha was having trouble using her arthritic hands to maneuver her fork around the long strands of spaghetti. I offered to help and this time she accepted. I cut the strands into smaller pieces, mixed them with the meat sauce, and asked her to try. She was able to scoop up a mouthful and seemed grateful. To distract from the situation and to soften her need for help, I stated, "You know I was a waiter many years ago." "Oh," said Martha, "That makes sense." A bit later when she was eating her oranges, I asked her what her favorite fruit was. She thought for a moment, giggled, and said, "I am so old and tired that I do not have a favorite!"

Haroon was sitting at a table just behind us. I gave him my usual smile, head nod, and a whispered "Hello." "F U C K   Y O U ! ! !" was his usual response. I smiled and said, "Thank you."

Welcome to My Zoo

I do not mean this to be a comment on any of our friends or family who have come to visit Gregory at The Lieberman Center. I see it more as my problem, not theirs. But I need to write about it.

For a first visit, I will go to The Lieberman Center with a friend to visit Gregory. I can introduce the visitor to the center, help them find Gregory in his room or at his current activity, provide a buffer in case it is not a good day for Gregory or a support to the visitor if the visitor has difficulties in dealing with Gregory's "Here and Now." After that I release my need to be there to the friend's discretion.

Many people have not wanted to visit Gregory because, I understand this with my entire heart, they cannot bare seeing what he has become.

Others need to see Gregory in his present circumstances so they can come to some closure with what has taken place due to the Alzheimer's.

Others want to be there to support him and to support me.

Some have had similar experiences with their own family members due to either Alzheimer's or the need for a care facility due to illness or old age.

All of the various reasons are based on love.

BUT, sometimes I feel like a game keeper at the zoo. I am there to protect the animals but also to protect the visitors.

I put Gregory on display, hoping he will perform, will show recognition, will behave appropriately.

I will discuss the various types of training he has gone through and the various tricks he can or can no longer perform.

Step right up, step this way, see Gregory in his current condition, in his current situation. Be amazed, be amused at what Alzheimer's has wrought.

Try to explain away the situation, try to understand what is going on in that void, or not.

Ouch. All I can say. Ouch. And sorry for my rantings.

Accomplishemnts

Pleased to announce that as of today, this BLOG has received 30,000 hits! Actually 30, 036.

As Gregory and my journey with Alzheimer's continues I am pleased that you sign in now and then (or a lot) and are riding along.

I hope that I have been able to keep you up to date on our journey as well as to support you in similar journeys of your own.

While most are invisible to the eye, we all do have our journeys, don't we?

For me, writing has been such a support in helping me cope with difficult times, processing my emotions, feeling that I am not alone, and has helped give me the strength to carry on.

Love does the same and so many of you have sent so much love Gregory and my way, I am grateful!

I am excited about the release of a second book of poetry, much of it driven by this Alzheimer's Journey. It will be carried by lulu.com, amazon.com, and barnesandnobel.com. I will let you know when it is available.

Settling In - Not Always A Good Thing

I hope the title of this post confused you. Settling in should sound like a good thing. But they say it takes a while for a new resident to settle into new surroundings on a dementia ward.

It takes time for the workers and nurses to get to know the residents routines and needs, rhythms and patterns. As you know, we have had two Care Conferences dealing with these things. Everyone on the floor is friendly, helpful, and wanting to do the best for Gregory.

So why is it not always a good thing. Would you believe two falls and one fright so far? The day after he was at Lieberman, the nurse called me around 8:00 pm to say Gregory had been sitting on the sofa in front of the TV and when he got up he fell on his knees. No great damage. No broken skin. A little pink. Nothing more. But wanted me to know. I thanked her and it felt good that they were keeping me informed.

Last week, I noticed that Gregory's ankles were swollen and I told the nurse. Later that week I notice that his ankles were very very swollen and mentioned it to the nurse again. At midnight she called at home and told me that she checked and sure enough they were so swollen that she called the doctor. He told her that Gregory could go to the emergency room for a workup or she could order a blood clot scan the next morning.

She and I talked about the implications and I decided that we could wait until morning for the test that would take place at Lieberman instead of putting Gregory though the trauma of a middle of the night emergency room visit. One possibility in waiting was that if he had indeed thrown a blood clot, it could travel to his brain or heart.

I told the nurse that while I hoped that wouldn't happen, we were not afraid of death. It was a hard decision for me to make and I had a hard time falling asleep. Finally, I said out loud, "Universe, if you are ready to take Gregory, please go ahead, I am ready, he is ready, and you have our permission." That said, I fell asleep easily.

Next day the clot scan showed no clots, they put him in special stockings to help with the swelling, and the ankles have looked better each day.

Finally, at seven AM this morning, I got a call from Lieberman that Gregory, after being up and dressed, fell backwards in his room (there by himself) and was found on the floor with a gash in his head, a bruse on his forehead, and in a lot of pain. They had called 911 and the ambulance had just arrived to take him to the hospital (which by the way is just across the parking lot.)

I had my clothes on and was out of the door (without any breakfast and not even one cup of coffee) in five minutes and got to the emergency room less than 10 minutes later. I am grateful that Lieberman Center and the hospital are so close to the condo.

Gregory looked terrible and was moaning with pain but had been able to remain calm throughout the ordeal. He was happy to see me and I soothed, stroked his hand, etc. They did a CAT scan and several X-Rays and found no additional damage. After the blood was cleaned up he didn't look quite so bad (head wounds bleed profusely.) Eight stitches later and a breakfast of oatmeal and pancakes the ambulance picked him up for the trip across the parking lot back to Lieberman.

Gregory after napping on and off in his own bed in his own room back at Lieberman and after a hearty lunch is with Alaksh (who I called for support right away, not knowing how severe the injury had been.) I am at home getting ready for a 90 minute massage and then will go back to sit with Gregory.

While this all might seem difficult, it has been surprisingly easy to get through and to make decisions about. In my role of Secondary Care Giver, which you have already heard about and will probably hear about again, it is good to have so many resources and people supporting me and caring for Gregory.

Besides the people that got him ready for the first ambulance trip, so many people have checked in since our return to his room: head nurse, day nurse, the social worker, his day caregiver, the lunch lady, and various higher level supervisors. Gregory is indeed being well taken care of.

Sorry for the pix but in an effort to fully document ... PS later I will post a photo of  how GOOD Gregory looks after the episode.

Facebook Responses

From time to time I will post responses that I received to my various update e-mails on Gregory's decline which eventually led to his needing to be at a memory care facility.

While many of them are a tribute to me (felt good, thanks) I am sharing them more for those of you out there who are deeply involved yourself in loving someone with dementia. 

Gregory and I have so many loving friends and family members that I felt it my responsibility to keep everyone up to date on his "progress." Also, when people would visit us, they would know what to expect and how to behave.

Not being in frequent contact with many of our family and friends and with many being spread out all across the country, I felt e-mail and periodically Facebook was a good way to do so.

The comments were pleasantly unexpected. The support welcome.

These were responses from Facebook, which by the nature of Facebook are brief, "clicks" comments:

So sorry to hear this. K filled us in on this and we feel sad for you, but know this is for the best for both of you. We think of you often and wish you the best.

Love you both

Thoughts to you

I can't "like" this. Sorry to hear this. We are thinking of you both. XOXOX

Wow!! Big hugs to you Michael!!!! You are and have been the best/strongest/most loving advocate I know!! God Bless you and Greg!!! 

My heart is with you Michael, a very tough decision, but probably the best for Greg. Luv to you both.

Sending you a hug. Listen to yourself, do not question your actions. You know what is best right now. That is what unconditional love is about. Making the decision to put my Mother in a care facility was tough but the best thing for her and for me.

Thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Thinking of both of you at this difficult time. Very tough decision but a good one for both of you. My prayers are with you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both during this difficult time.

Thinking of you both.

It is such a hard decision but the health of both of you is important.... glad that you are both where you need to be at this time....sending you much love and support.

Sorry to hear that news, glad that you are able to make the best of it. My thoughts are with you both.

Thoughts and prayers are with you. Good decision in deed!

What a tremendously hard decision to work thru. I wish you both the best.

Hugs to you.

Sending lots of love your way, what a difficult decision to have to make for the person you love more than yourself. My heart goes out to you both.

You have done everything you could possibly do.

Sending you both much love, beautiful Michael.

My heart is with you both. So much I want to say to you...I think you know how much I adore and admire you, and how brave this move was. Hang in there!!!!

I am so sorry to hear this. I wish the best for both of you You both are in my thoughts.

I'm sure this was hard for you, but you made the right decision. Thanks for all of the updates. Love reading your blog.

So sorry to hear this, Michael. I wish you and Gregory all the best through this very difficult time.

You're both in my prayers.

What a difficult decision for you Michael. So sorry to hear of this - keeping both of you in my prayers.

Sending you lots of love, energy and piece. Praying for you both! You are not alone! Xoxoxo

Holding you both close!

Wow Michael, what a brave and beautiful thing…

Sending good thoughts & prayers for you both

Thanks for your openness always

Prayers & positive thoughts for you both!

Thinking of you both, Michael.

 U R amazing

I am so sorry Michael. I know how hard this must be for you. My prayers go out to both of you.

 Thinking of you…both.

Sending oodles of love. Will call to work out a visit.

Love you very much

Michael, I can't bring myself to post on FB my feelings about your latest post. Please know that my heartfelt thoughts are with both you and Gregory. I embrace you with love, dear one.

 A brave and loving decision. Peace to you both. xxoo

All my love and support to you. Please know that you have many hearts and prayers on both your behalf's on this long journey.

My heart included.

 You both are fantastic... My thoughts are with you.

All my love to you both!

Wishing you strength for your journey.

Gigi

With reference to the post early this morning: http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2014/01/a-hard-place-to-be.html

Gigi, Gregory's chosen kitten who is somewhat aloof and loves only in her own time, came to me while I was weeping to offer her support! She hopped into bed, came up by the pillow, licked my face, and let me pet her for quite a while.

E-Mail Communications

In response to the last post our niece asked:
 http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2013/11/e-mail-to-friend.html 

Do you think there is a breaking point?  Is that the point when he doesn’t know you anymore?  Will that make it “easier” to make tough decisions?  Man I feel for you. 

XO

I replied:

C

Yes, a definite breaking point will probably arrive. Do not know for sure when that will be. If I were to become ill or incapacitated myself would be one. G's not being aware would be another. G's incontinence will probably figure in there somewhere. My physical inability to lift and care for him would be another, whether his physical needs increase or I get too old to push and pull. 

Steps before the breaking point and needing a memory care facility? My continuing to grow and understand how to work with him. My continuing to love myself. Continuing with my creative outlets. Continuing to take time for myself when G is with his companion. Possibly adding to the hours that a companion is with us. At some point needing a better trained companion. Buying the condo next door and having live-in help.

You know how you didn't want to mention TP so as not to add to my burden (and I chastised you and said I'll let you know when it is too much:-), sometimes I feel like I add to your burden by sending my depressing (and sometimes but seemingly less often uplifting and loving) missives your way so often. You do not always have to read them all and/or comment. I know that both of you are there for us.

That's why You Love Us More,

m

On Nov 13, 2013, at 12:28 PM, Colleen Maire wrote:

To Read or Not to Read

I am still trying to figure out how I can help Gregory continue to read at bedtime. Perhaps I should rehearse what I should have said instead of what I did say when he handed me his book on the same page it was on when I gave it to him an hour earlier.

He often closes the book and cannot explain where he left off. When asked "Where did you stop? or finish? or end? (various words tried on various nights) he is unable to tell me. Often he points to where he began!

I think that he still comprehends although may not remember. So each period of time spent with reading is probably an isolated event, without his being able to paint the entire picture of the story, but he still enjoys his reading.

I am afraid that another problem is that Gregory might not any longer understand the mechanics of reading. Top to bottom. Left to right. Front to back. Turn page, begin again.

I show him where to begin reading, I keep an eye on the page he is on, I note where his eyes seem to be, and I mark the place he ended reading. But you can imaging what this means then when "HE" is reading and "I" am in charge!

Last night I dozed off while he was reading, when I woke and began to mark where he had left off, I saw that he was on the same page again. After success for the last week or so, I commented, "I cannot fucking believe that you are still on the same page! Did you loose your place? Do you remember where you ended? How are we going to do this?" Nicely done, don't you think! NOT.

What happens is that with these intermittant behaviors, with the ones that come and go, the ones which are here and unexpectedly evaporate ... I react according my expectations for what is a "normal" behavior not Gregory's ever changing "normal" and I freak. I speak out of anger, out of fear, out of worry for the future, out of defeat of all the work I did to try to help him hang on to the skill a little longer.

I do not respond this way to those skills and behaviors that no longer exist or more consistently come and go or are for the most part on their way out. I have developed lowered expectations for these type of interactions and deal with them as I support him. It is the "slaps in the face" or unexpected disappearances that freak me out.

I am working on it and have gotten better but I still am BELOW satisfactory on dealing with these kinds of occurrences. Most often my reaction is seated in the deep loss and sadness and grief and devastation that I feel for what he must be going through and then I end up treating him poorly.

So perhaps I should rehearse what I should have said instead of what I did say when he handed me his book on the same page it was on when I gave it to him an hour earlier.

Say nothing and have him begin in the same place the next night. Most likely I am the only one who will remember and I'll just have to swallow my despair which will be better than treating Gregory poorly and making him feel badly.

Bring on the next defeat...

A Phone Call

B,

Good talking with you on the telephone the other day. I kiddingly said, "You were my first!" and we  laughed. But you were the first person I could really talk with about Gregory's diagnosis who knew the impossibility of what I was and am going through.

Being so close to Gregory's family and knowing Gregory since he was a kid ... yet not being family ... made you the perfect support candidate. I think that your and Les's diagnosis was about ten years ahead of Gregory and mine. 

So I suffered my situation and yours as well. Hopefully I was a support to you. Now Les has moved on, the man you loved still lives on in your memory. Gregory will probably not move on for many years to come but as you said, "The man I love still lives in my memory."

Love you lots, thanks for being there for me, thanks for being you,

Michael

An E-Mail

N,

Talking with you last night about Gregory WAS helpful even if I said, "It doesn't help." Just being recognized for the troubles I have and for the good work I do is helpful even if it doesn't make it go away. I appreciate your not trying to "white wash" it. You recognize how terrible it is to deal with the details of Gregory's decline, the impossibility of it all. 

"We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it." (TENNESSEE WILLIAMS, The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore) 

On the other hand we live to see a new day, and in the morning the problems seems tolerable, and maybe, just maybe we will find the fire escape or the fire department will arrive in time.

Thanks for being there and thanks for being our ART ANGEL! Gregory loves you even more than he loves painting every Tuesday!

Fondly,

Michael

Start Your Engines

We are on the move again. For about two weeks now, Gregory has not been able to smoothly begin his morning routines. As you know, I am not my best in the morning so this has been difficult for me.

From now on, I think we are at the point that I need to "walk" him through the morning activities: take off your sleep clothes, turn on the heat, set up your shaver, shave, clean and put your shaver away, put on your underclothes, put on your sweats, begin your day. By accepting this responsibility (which I really don't want to do and probably resent) I will make his and my life easier. Let me explain the "less than saintly" way I handled it this morning.

This morning when I suggested that it was time to begin the day, he got out of bed and hung around the bed lifting and lowering his sleep shirt with an inquisitive look on his face. "Go in the bathroom and shave," I prompted. I think he wakes up and is disoriented about where he is, who he is, and what he should be doing.

I must have drifted back to sleep, which I sometimes do while he is shaving, because next thing I knew, he came to me for help. He had gotten out of his sleep clothes, had not begun shaving, and was trying to get his sweat shirt on starting with putting his arms into the sleeves from the outside. Can you picture this? I won't bother even trying to describe, just believe me.

I helped him off with the shirt and asked, "Do you NOT know how to begin the day?" Fatal mistake on my part number one, when will I learn? He couldn't answer and became frustrated instead. When will I learn? I think I would do OK if he could say, "No Michael I do not know how to do this today." Then I would help but instead he closes down and I fume. Why was I waiting for an answer and why did I think he would be able to communicate with me?

By now I am just short of raging. But I control myself. So what do I do? Did I mention that I am not good in the morning? I made him get back into his sleep clothes, get back into bed, and we started over from the beginning. I never did say I was perfect! He probably had no idea what I was doing but it kept me under control so it must have been good.

I walked him through the beginning of the morning activities, probably not in the nicest tone of voice, did I say I am not good in the morning?

As we went through each step he behaved as though he knew what he was doing from the beginning leaving me numb and wondering what I had just spent my last half hour doing. For some reason when I trigger the memory he thinks he has always been acting on that memory and for some reason that makes me angrier then having had to help him through it in the first place.

You see I am still normal but he is the new normal and most often I find it hard to live in his crazy world. I use the word crazy loosely if only because Gregory is NOT crazy, but sometimes I think I am when I am trying to operate in his world.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

I am pretty sure that I do not need to worry about seeing evil around the condo. Enough said.

I continue to work at being calm, patient, respectful, loving, supportive, etc with Gregory on our Alzheimer's Path, therefore speaking no evil gets easier.

The one I just became aware of having perfected is hearing no evil. That is the subject of this post.

My hearing has become fine tuned to all types of noises around the condo. This has happened in relation to Gregory's increasing need for supervision and in addition, our getting two baby kitties. Gregory's needs have been increasing for ten years now and most recently have become fairly intense.

The kitties (Emma and Gigi) were 4 and 5 months old when we got them and they are now 9 and 10 months old respectively. As you can imagine, new kitties can get into a lot of trouble, especially when there are two of them to egg each other on.

I am tuned into noises during the day, when we have music playing, at night when I am asleep. For the most part, there are three noises as well as their intensity that I am able to distinguish in relation to both Gregory, the cats, the state of the condo, and all of our general well being.

The first noise I can distinguish is OK NOISE. On hearing this type of noise, I can identify what or where it is coming from, know that the noise is safe, and know that I do not have to worry about it or take action. Examples are the washing machine changing cycles, the refrigerator dropping a new supply of ice cubes, the furnace clicking on or off, the kitties chasing a mouse (stuffed,) Gregory going to the bathroom.

The second noise I can distinguish is the NOT-OK-NOISE or NEEDS-MY-ATTENTION NOISE. On hearing this type of noise, I know that I must get up and go see what is happening to cause the noise and why. Did Gregory shatter a wine glass when it was dropped, is a kitty climbing the screen door, did the front door open and close, and who said "Oh shit" and why? If I hear Gregory shaving at 4:00am, I will get up and redirect him back to bed.

The third noise I can distinguish is the UNIDENTIFIED NOISE, which causes me to react as I would to noise number two but perhaps a little more quickly. Once on site with the noise, I can revert to my usual NOISE 1 or NOISE 2 reaction.

Also, I can distinguish the urgency of NOISES 1 and 2 and will react quickly or more slowly, with calmly or pumping blood, OMGing (Oh My God)ing or not. I used to jump up and run to Gregory for a "Oh No!" or "O Fuck!" noise, now I wait to see what happens next.

Actually, as I write this I realize that there are other types of noises in my repetroire. For example, if the buildings emergency alarm klaxon is sounding in my unit and the recorded message is instructing us to evacuate using the nearest stairway, I will gather my cell phone - wallet - keys etc, Gregory, and the cats if they are available and willing.

Then I will feel the front door to see if it is hot, and proceed across the hall to the emergency stairwell. If I can hear the klaxon faintly, I know that it is sounding in a different zone, well above our floor, and be prepared in case of further instruction from the fire department but will not take action and will remain calm.

Sometimes the kitty noises are of the nature that can be labeled playful, worrisome, come feed me, or wrestling with my sister. Different talking, different reactions.

When Gregory calls "Help," which he usually does in a calm quiet tone, I go to his aid no matter what.

When the phone rings, sometimes I answer it and sometimes I let voice mail greet the caller.

All in all, the ability to monitor my life, Greogry's, and the cats is quite beneficial to avoiding or catching problems before they get too advanced. I get a certain amount of peace of mind from this talent.

Ken the Kompanion

Haven't posted for a while. With Ken, Gregory's companion since last May and living with us since Easter, things have been going pretty well. As I have mentioned, both Gregory and I get along well with Ken and he, us.

If you missed them here are two BLOGS about the experience: It's Only Fair and Companion

Ken is easy to live with, allows us our privacy, and keeps his own. We also spend many dinners together and often times will just sit around the living room chatting. Gregory and I have learned a lot about the Japanese culture and Ken has heard a lot about the American as well as Gay cultures.

Ken has met many of our friends, has joined several parties that we have hosted, and has chatted with Roger, Scott, and Richard about their experience in Psychology as Ken will be starting his masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Vanderbilt University in September.

Ken and Gregory make a good team when cleaning up after meals. A few meals into Ken's tenure with us, I smilingly suggested, "You know ... it's ... only ... fair ..." And they both finished with, "that we clean up since you cooked.)

Among other support activities, Ken sets the table, takes out the trash and recycle, helps bring groceries from the car and even helps put them away. Often Ken will pick up a few things at the close by Whole Foods or return books to the library. He brings up the mail and when I need an extra hand fixing something around the condo, his are very able.

Gregory and Ken go swimming at the pool in the building two or three times a week, go for walks, go for haircuts and manicures, and spend time at Starbucks.

Today I am just home from a week in New Orleans. Gregory and Ken spend 24/7 together very successfully and I felt totally at ease with not being home. Periodically I would send them texts with added photos of what I was doing in NOLA. A day or two into my getaway, photos of what they were doing began showing up in their texts to me.

Following is a gallery of photos from Gregory's Great Adventure:

Gregory & Ken at the beach

Gregory out on the pier

At home with a sandwich and 

soup from "Pret-a-Mange"

Gregory in the swimming pool

Gregory at "San Germaine" with

a dinner crepe

Gregory at "San Germaine" with

a dessert crepe