To Read or Not to Read

I am still trying to figure out how I can help Gregory continue to read at bedtime. Perhaps I should rehearse what I should have said instead of what I did say when he handed me his book on the same page it was on when I gave it to him an hour earlier.

He often closes the book and cannot explain where he left off. When asked "Where did you stop? or finish? or end? (various words tried on various nights) he is unable to tell me. Often he points to where he began!

I think that he still comprehends although may not remember. So each period of time spent with reading is probably an isolated event, without his being able to paint the entire picture of the story, but he still enjoys his reading.

I am afraid that another problem is that Gregory might not any longer understand the mechanics of reading. Top to bottom. Left to right. Front to back. Turn page, begin again.

I show him where to begin reading, I keep an eye on the page he is on, I note where his eyes seem to be, and I mark the place he ended reading. But you can imaging what this means then when "HE" is reading and "I" am in charge!

Last night I dozed off while he was reading, when I woke and began to mark where he had left off, I saw that he was on the same page again. After success for the last week or so, I commented, "I cannot fucking believe that you are still on the same page! Did you loose your place? Do you remember where you ended? How are we going to do this?" Nicely done, don't you think! NOT.

What happens is that with these intermittant behaviors, with the ones that come and go, the ones which are here and unexpectedly evaporate ... I react according my expectations for what is a "normal" behavior not Gregory's ever changing "normal" and I freak. I speak out of anger, out of fear, out of worry for the future, out of defeat of all the work I did to try to help him hang on to the skill a little longer.

I do not respond this way to those skills and behaviors that no longer exist or more consistently come and go or are for the most part on their way out. I have developed lowered expectations for these type of interactions and deal with them as I support him. It is the "slaps in the face" or unexpected disappearances that freak me out.

I am working on it and have gotten better but I still am BELOW satisfactory on dealing with these kinds of occurrences. Most often my reaction is seated in the deep loss and sadness and grief and devastation that I feel for what he must be going through and then I end up treating him poorly.

So perhaps I should rehearse what I should have said instead of what I did say when he handed me his book on the same page it was on when I gave it to him an hour earlier.

Say nothing and have him begin in the same place the next night. Most likely I am the only one who will remember and I'll just have to swallow my despair which will be better than treating Gregory poorly and making him feel badly.

Bring on the next defeat...