Visiting Gregory

When people visit Gregory for the first time they wonder if he will know who they are. My reply is "YES!" He may not know your name and he may not know how he knows you but he will know that he feels a special love for you and that you feel a special love for him.

Recently, a friend when asked if he wanted to visit Gregory with me after going out to breakfast replied, "I don't think so because last time I saw him he didn't know me. He kept looking away."

I think my reply was something like, "Maybe he was just distracted because you visited him on a day when a lot was going on around him." So we scheduled a visit.

In thinking about our upcoming visit I was wondering, "What if Gregory doesn't recognize him? What should my response be? Is that a good reason for a friend to no longer visit Gregory?"

Then I was reminded of a quote I read a long time ago about an old man who was asked why he got up early every morning and rode on a bus for an hour to go to the old people's home to visit his wife when she no longer knew who he was. His reply was simple but powerful, "She may not know who I am, but I know who she is!"

Unless a person with dementia is fully catatonic (and maybe even then) they enjoy visitors. They enjoy seeing someone who smiles at them, holds their hand, talks to them, strokes their head, gives them kisses. These are things everyone enjoys and in the narrow world of a memory care facility, perhaps they are enjoyed even more!

So I would hope that friends and family will continue visiting Gregory, when I go with them or if they go by themselves and whether he recognizes them or not, to help make his life a little bit more enjoyable and to make sure he knows that he is loved. Gregory may not know them but they know Gregory, and that matters.

Respect

Hannah made an interesting comment the other day about my involvement with the residents on Gregory's floor. "You recognize them as people and treat them like they matter." They are and they do. It is often easy to forget this when faced with the effects of Alzheimer's and time.

Haunting (Part 2 of 2)

No, not "Haunting" like Freddie Kruger in "Nightmare on Elm Street" or some scary movie like "Psycho" or "Silence of the Lambs." But rather an experience I had the other evening at Lieberman that left a strong image in my mind.

What I want to share "haunts" me because like with so many of my interactions with Gregory, I will never really know the true meaning or many of the significant details. But I can close my eyes and clearly see and feel the experience.

Usually I visit Gregory during the day before - during, or after lunch or the same for dinner. Most often Manny is attending to Gregory as Private Care Helper and he will take a break while Gregory and I visit.

Often our visits have an activity associated with it like me giving Gregory a manicure, or talking about the pictures in one of his books, watching TV, having a piece of fruit of a bite of chocolate, working with a beach ball for exercise, me giving Gregory a massage, or all of us joining in one of the floor's activities or going down to the community room for an all building event.

The other day I arrived at Lieberman at 7:00. Manny had left by 5:30 and Gregory was "parked" in Wing A watching TV with the other residents. He was at the far end of the wing and as I approached I realized his arm and hand was up in the air over his head signaling he saw me, or here I am, not sure which. I waved back and he kept his arm in the air until I reached him.

I had crossed the head of the wing a few minutes earlier on my way to drop some stuff off in Gregory's room and I wonder if he saw me come and go then. I guess I am amazed that he was so aware that he saw me approaching. Usually he is distracted or has a fixed focus on something or another.

Either way, it was a nice welcome and reception for me and was a first. I wonder what was going on in his mind. I wonder at what point he noticed me in Wing A. I wonder if he thought I was not going to come find him. I wonder if he misses me when I am not there or if he even knows that I am not there and brightens up when I am. I wonder if he remembers that I was there after I leave.

Sometimes it is important to me to have a "heart to heart" with Gregory and share what I am feeling or thinking. For example,  I say, "I really miss you so much and wish we could be together more often. I know that neither of us would have wanted it this way but I know that we both also know that you are being well taken care of and are safe. It seems to me that you are happy and content and that makes me feel good. I love you so so much."

I think Gregory hears and understands me and sometimes we cry together, other times we laugh together. Maybe he just senses my sadness or happiness and that is to what he reacts.

"Dayanu," It would have been enough! Lieberman, being a Jewish organization, makes me end this piece saying, "Dayanu, It would have been enough." I do not really need to know what Gregory is thinking, only to see him smile or laugh or cry with me.

Detached Assistance

My horoscope below hits home and reminds me that I am Gregory's caregiver partner because of our love for each other: 1) Not because I need his admiration (or that of others ... but a thank you now and then and recognition by others of the task on my shoulders is nice,) 2) Not because I  need to be needed (although it does make me feel useful and gives me purpose,) 3) Not because I need to nourish my sense of self (although I do need to remind myself now and then that I am doing a good job.)

By helping Gregory, I get a sense of joy and know that he feels more comfortable and safe in his life. I act from my heart as we live each day, am guided by the spirt within, and have pure intentions. Now if I only could separate the EMOTIONAL from the INTELLECTUAL and shorten the reaction time of putting the emotions to rest while behaving in a gentle, respectful, loving way removed from anger, fear, and frustration.

February 25, 2013
Detached Assistance
Aries Daily Horoscope

Assisting others who require your help could make the things you do seem valuable today. It might be that your sense of self-worth is linked directly to the perception of others, particularly as it pertains to the things you do for them. While doing things for others can be positive, you might want to practice separating your feelings of self from the things you do. Should you receive thanks or praise from someone related to something you have completed today, you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are the same person you were before receiving the admiration of others. Keeping this in mind could help you detach from needing the approval of the people around you to nourish your sense of self and might make it easier to support others with honest intentions instead of hidden motives of self-gratification.

Learning to help others simply for the joy it brings makes our assistance pure and earnest. Needing to be needed can be a large part of our desire to help people for it makes us feel that without us someone else would have a difficult time getting by in life, which in turn bolsters our confidence in ourselves. When we act from our hearts and with the guidance of our spirits, however, we require nothing in return, since we are accessing the beauty of our souls and using that purity to help, which makes our assistance much more worthwhile. By helping without expecting anything today, you will serve others with the purest of intentions.

Taken from: www.dailyom.com