The Sparrow

Republishing this. Received this from my friend Roy whose sister lived with and recently died of Alzheimer's. The message in the video he sent was a poignant one. It is included here with the text. 

The Sparrow

Father: "What is that?"

Son: "A Sparrow"

Father: "What is that?"

Son: "I just told you, It's a a sparrow"

Father: "What is that?"

Son. Agitated: "A sparrow father. S   p   a   r   r   o   w"

Father: "What is that?"

Son with anger: "Why are you doing this?  I told you so many times, it's a sparrow. Don't you get it?"

Father gets up. 


Son: "Where are you going?"

Father signals with his hand "Wait a minute," goes into house, and returns with a book which he hands to the son. It is apparently a diary from the father's earlier days. The son looks at the book.

Dad: "Read ... aloud."

Son: "Today my youngest son who a few days ago turned three was sitting with me at the park when a sparrow sat in front of us. My son asked 21 times what it was and I answered 21 times that it was ... a sparrow. I hugged him every time he asked me the same question. Again and again ... without getting mad ... feeling affection for my little boy."


The son looks thoughtful for a moment, puts his arm around his father, pulls him in with a hug and kisses his head ...

Helped me. Hope it helps you.

Gregory at The Kellogg Forest By: Colleen Maire

I loved to go for walks with you.  It didn't matter where we walked, it just mattered.   A teacher, a mentor, a friend.  So full of knowledge, so willing to share, so calming to the soul.  I learned so much from you about life and love. You taught me that life is here in every step and to savor it.  I honored your physical presence last weekend at Kellogg Forest.  Thank you for guiding me to take the path to the left.  The sun was with me the entire way which only heightened the experience.  I hope you had as much fun as I did.  I love you.  

The Michigan Maires

I spent the weekend in Battle Creek, Michigan visiting Gregory's family. On Saturday night his sister-in law hosted a dinner in his memory with Gregory's brother Mark, Niece and Great Niece Renee and Lily, Nephew and Niece-in-law Mark and Colleen, friends Jack and Donna and Sue. Dinner was delicious. Loving stories and memories shared. Tears dried. Laughter abounded.

Flowers in memory of Gregory from friend Shannon

Diane's beautifully set table

Delicious dinner of pot roast, mixed vegetables, potatoes au gratin; Sue's Caprese salad; and Donna's dinner rolls

Wonderful Apple Crisp by Colleen

Widow, The Term "Dead," and The Grief of Others

It seems the "Gay" thing to be a "Widow" instead of a "Widower." But that is just me:-) This realization shocked me. I knew (and hoped) that Gregory would die before I did, if only because of the odds set up by his Dementia/ Alzheimer's. But never thought that would mean that I would get a new title. "Widow."

In some ways I do not need or want to hold on to that label. I am just me. Michael. Whose life long partner, Gregory, person I loved more than life and still do, has died. And now I go on to decide who I am without a partner to accompany me through life. Title, label not necessary.

I am pretty well "defined" if only because Gregory and I lived, grew, and loved on parallel tracks that converged more often than not. We had our own unique interests, our own unique activities, and our own unique friends and those interests, activities, and friends crossed over often and we enjoyed learning from each other and experiencing life through each other's eyes. But none-the-less, I am still needing to redefine myself, yet again, now that Gregory has died.

I wrote a "kitty story" about one of our pets who died many years ago. It ends with and the title is: "My Kitty is a Memory Now." It is still painful as I continue to get used to saying and realizing that Gregory is dead. I prefer that to "passed," or "left us," or "gone," or "is an angel now." While those comments might make Gregory's death easier to talk about, the use of the word death, died, dead ... helps make the reality of the situation easier for me to learn to live with.

Based on a post from my friend Pat, who was one of Gregory's champions and who visited him very often, always to Gregory's delight, I realized that I am not the only one who is grieving his death. Click here to see "Pat Remembers Part 1" and Pat Remembers Part 2 (Both open in a new window.)

The following can be said by many people about Gregory's death:
     "I have a good friend who recently died."
     "I have a loving uncle who recently died."
     "I have a dear great uncle who recently died."
     "I have a brother who recently died."
     "I have a brother-in-law who recently died."
     "I have a colleague who recently died."
     "I have a good neighbor who recently died."
     "I have a wonderful college chum who recently died."

I was so wrapped up in my own grief, in planning for Gregory's cremation and his memorial at the condo and the one at the Lieberman Center, that I didn't stop to think how many other people would people would be grieving Gregory's death. He was loved by so many people. When a person dies, you get to hear about how they touched so many people's lives and so it is with Gregory. He will live on for a long, long time in the minds, and hearts, and memories of many.

Family Memories

This letter is from Gregory's niece, Michelle, oldest daughter of his brother Alan (RIP.) Alan and his family are known as the "Southwest Maires" because he and Dellaura, his first wife and long time love and the mother of his children all live in that part of the U.S.

Alan and his wife Iris, his soul mate and "Annie Oakley," and all of the children and grand children continue to live in that part of the country.

• • •

My dearest Michael,

I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to write you to let you know how sorry I'm for your loss. I know this has been bitter sweet for you. He hadn't been your Gregory in so long but it is always such a shock when it happens. 

I still can't believe he's gone. Ed and Renee called to let us know at the same time. It didn't hit me until I called Sarah to tell her. Then I lost it. I started telling her things for which I loved him so much, and the more I talked the more I cried. Poor Sarah. Even long distance she got a wet shoulder.

I am not very good at Facebook. So I thought I would wait a little bit to write you. I knew you were probably a little overwhelmed by everything at first. Not really being able to keep up with all the love you were shown by friends and loved ones from all over. Iris said the two of you had a nice visit. I'm sure your home was bursting at the seams for your open house for Greg. Wouldn't he of loved that. 

I know I have said this before but I will tell you once again how much he meant to me even though down through the years we didn't communicate very often. Years and distance tend to get in the way as much as we mean to keep connected. I guess I need to get better at social media. 

Greg was the big brother I always wished I had. I thought he walked on water when I was a kid. I remember laying in the school house in Vermont listening to him playing the guitar, he would let me sit on his lap to go down the waterfall because I was so scared. Listening to him play the piano in the house in Orange. 

He always treated me like I was his age, not a little kid nine years younger. He gave me my first Beatles album, which I am still addicted to much to Mark's distress. Lol. He took me to New Haven to walk around Yale. 

He and Barbara would have me come spend part of Christmas break with them in Boston. He even met my bus when our high school trip took us up there, so I could spend the day with him. He always made me feel special. He would take the time to talk to me and really listen, what I thought mattered.

Do you remember the stone blocks and the wooden circus that was at Grandma's in Orange. He would sit on the floor and play with us with those for hours. Hey, my name is because of Greg. I was born early and they were going to call me Stephen Daniel until Greg who was taking French suggested Michelle. Thank goodness. 

I remembered I felt so proud of him one time when we lived in Milford. He had gone to a peace rally. I was in 6th grade and didn't really understand why Grandpa and Dad were putting him down. It got a little loud as usual. But he very calmly stated his case and then came out and played cards with us. I felt like it was important to him.

When Grandpa and Grandma moved to Brentwood I got to Know Greg through Grandma's eyes. She shared the stories that he wrote with me. I remember one was about Grandma Carrie towards the end of her life. He helped Grandma design the crazy quilt. She would ask me to help with it when we would come over for dinner. 

When the girls were young the three of us went to visit them and spent the night before we went to Elkhart. Greg took the kids to the zoo. They have always remember ed that trip. Greg wanted to go to the fabric store to get a piece of material for a back to a pillow Helen had made. I offered to drive. 

We got to the store and I embarrassed myself by admitting that I didn't know how to parallel park. He very calmly said to switch drivers so he could park it for me. A long of car very patiently waited while he parked it. I'm sure some were laughing, no one honked. He never mentioned it because I'm sure he realized how silly I felt. 

You and I went for a walk and you bought me a blue glass coffee cup. I have been collecting blue glass ever since. 

You and Uncle Greg always called us on our anniversary. For years and years. Even though it is hard to catch up like that only every once in a while, I still knew he loved us and cared.

The last two times I saw him was at funerals. Grandpa's, he had the flu when grandma died didn't he? And when you all came to Goshen for Grandma Marvel's. That was so loving of all you to do that. It would of been miserable to just be us. But you all came and brought laughter and love into the room. So the last time I saw him was getting into that little sports car with you. You were going to go on vacation somewhere and he was so excited. That's the way I want to remember him.

You had forty years of wonderful memories of him.  I know this has Been hard on all of you. I am glad that I was spared watching him go down hill. That would of been extremely difficult. It was always bitter sweet when you  would send your updates. We knew this day would come and we didn't want it to drag out for your sake. But that doesn't make it easier.

I am not very good at expressing myself especially in emails. Mom says I just ramble. But, I wanted to let you how truly sadden I am over a great lose to all of us. I will try to keep in better contact. I have to get to work.

All our love

Michelle and Mark

Gregory II

It is so heard to believe it all. You know it is coming but then your are surprised. The pneumonia seems to be winning and Gregory has slept all day yesterday and today. Therefore he is unable to eat or drink. His fever was high but came down as the day passed. His pulse is fast, his blood pressure low, his breathing shallow, his oxygen level (even with using oxygen) is low. His cough has calmed with the help of morphine drops under his tongue. His breathing, while labored, is even and he is not at all distressed. I wish you could see his face which is calm and at peace as an angel's. Peaceful the bear is snuggly nestled in Gregory's arms.

I called many family and friends in the area to give them a heads up and to let them know that if they wanted to say goodbye, now was the time. Not only were they devastated but so were the Lieberman administration, nurses, staff. The kitchen manager brought up a basket of fruit, water, and juices. The ladies who do laundry said their goodbyes. The managers of many departments came to give their sorrows and regards.

All the CNAs were truly sad, said their goodbyes to Gregory and gave me heartfelt hugs. Family members of other residents who heard dropped by. One resident family member brought me hot chicken soup, a sandwich, and a bottle of soda. Over the morning and afternoon hours, at least 10 friends sat with us.

The hospice rabbi, who was off today, came in anyway to sit with us. The hospice nurse as well as the Lieberman nurses were in and out of the room checking on Gregory to make sure he was comfortable. The hospice social worker went out of her way to make sure I was OK.

Manny was there as was Halina, Gregory's private care workers. The Director of Nursing called me to offer her support. I was overwhelmed by the support showered on Gregory and me at this difficult time. Together, Gregory and I took Lieberman by storm and left a great impression on all who came in contact with us. They are all grieving with me, sad for us, happy for Gregory.

I left around five and Manny left around six. Gregory was resting comfortably and the nurses would check him every half hour. If he seemed in distress they would increase his morphine. My gut told me that after a long day of people sharing their love and grief, Gregory would enjoy the peace and quiet.

I also felt that by my being there he would sense my emotions and sorrow and be hesitant to leave us. I said my goodbyes, gave Gregory permission (if he needed it) to move on to his next adventure without having to worry about me. Sure I would miss him like crazy but I didn't want him to stay on just for me. He could go when he was ready.

As soon as I know more, I will write the next post.

Shirley

Every day for the last two years, a good will emissary has stationed herself in front of The Lieberman Center's main entrance for a good part of the day. Outside on good days, just inside the front door on inclement days. 

With a somewhat raspy "Hello," or "How ya doing'?" she greets the comers and goers. Often the conversation will drift into the inevitable discussion of the weather: too cold, too hot, too much sun, rainy, etc. As she gets to know you she will add a personal comment line: "How's your friend doing?" Or "Nice haircut."

Once in a while I would offer and get accepted to administer a loving kiss, usually with a "scratchy beard" comment. She was grateful when I remembered her birthday (which is on Vetran's Day) with a flag.

Shirley has been living on the sixth floor nursing care unit but in her wheel chair is fairly active, very alert, intelligent, and wise!

This is what life at Lieberman Center is like. So many "friends" and family of friends, and nurses, and CNA's, and workers of all kinds. Loving, happy to see you, usually smiling.

As of today, there is only sunshine at Lieberman's front door. Shirley left us this morning unexpectedly. She had not been ill that I know of.  Having passed herself, she will be missed by her many passers by.

No Apologies Necessary

Kate Swaffer shares some of her thoughts, memories, and fears on being diagnosed with Dementia. The video she created is moving and will help put you in her shoes.
http://kateswaffer.com/2015/09/03/women-and-dementia-3-dam2015-day-3/

This is the reply I wrote to her:

Dear Kate,

I wish I could take all your pain, your fears, your guilt and smooth the edges. I wish I could help you focus only on the strength of your love for those around you and for all of us who have come to know you.

I wish I could help you focus only on your family's and our love for you. I want to say, "We love you as you are and as you will be. You have given us so much with your perspective and your love, let us give some measure of peace of mind back to you in exchange." 

I am barely able to type this for the tears from your video as they help me to begin to understand what Gregory must have gone through but was unable to share with me. His inability to share was due to his loss of language.

Also, I believe that the Dementia/Alzheimer’s blessedly put up a buffer to the reality of what he was going through. In addition, the safe zone in every day living which I was able to create for him gave him peace. 

So I love  him with all my heart, more each day, and say it was and  is my duty to be there for him as he always, even today, has been for me. He is not a failure, he owes no apologies, he is love. He is my life.

I have no control over the details so I will embrace him always as he is, as he will become. I love him More Than Ever (the name we together gave our trust and educational foundation.)

Gregory knows, and I often tell him, how much I love him and I hope he knows that there is nothing in our relationship, in our 40 years together, in the world that he needs to apologize or feel guilty about. 

I also know he has forgiven me my trespasses and I do not feel guilty. There are some things I would have done differently during our journey with Dementia/ Alzheimer's but I did the best I could, and everyday I learned anew, and I did it with love in my heart.

My “Intuitive" described the hole that has been torn out of my chest, around my heart; with its pain and loneliness and tears; as the sacred place where Gregory and I can still be, and always will be. together. I will not try to fill that hole, I welcome it. 

Kate, may you find peace and comfort in your great love of family and of life and may you be reminded that all things are impermanent and this can be the joy of life as you quietly sit with it today and then tomorrow. I don't "know" you Kate, but I continue to come to fall in love you!

Fondly,

Michael

What A Wonderful Visit

Today Mark Jr. and Colleen, Gregory and my nephew and niece-in-law, visited with Gregory. We brought flowers and Ole Fashioned Home Made Strawberry Short Cake. The flowers pleased Gregory and he "Yummed" throughout the shortcake eating! A great time was had by all.

Happy to receive the flowers

Assembling the Shortcakes

The only reason for Shortcake ... is the whipped  cream!

Yummy.

Listening to some of Junior's Frank Zappa.

Batia's Art Show Opening April 19, 2015

Bhatia, Gregory's table mate at Lieberman Center had an art show opening last Sunday. The pieces pictured here were done by her some 50 years ago. They are quite wonderful. They reflect Batia's still present intelligence, dry humor, and insight into all things. I have come to love this woman and her daughters who visit regularly. They are all apart of my new Liberman Family!

Lieberman Center Spring Carnival 2015

Michael and Gregory sponsored the carnival in honor of Michael's 70th birthday. Approximately 250 Lieberman residents, family, friends, and guests attended this gala event. Twenty five of Gregory and Michael's family and friends volunteered to run the games and refreshment counter and a dozen Lieberman and CJA volunteers helped residents move around the room.

Carousel music was playing in the background, the smell of freshly popped pop corn was in the air, over 100 colorful helium balloons decorated the community room, table top game tables were covered in gayly colored table cloths, kosher cotton candy and orange sherbet push ups were available as well as fruit punch.

Every player was a winner and could select two presents on the way out including Beanie Babies, key chains, bracelets, pens/pencils, boxes of Kleenex, bags of M&Ms, and more. A good time was had by all!

The Carnival Mascot: Peaceful Too

Sponsors Gregory and Michael

Gregory playing the "Beach Ball" game with Manny & Caroline.

Gregory playing the "Beach Ball" game.

Gregory having a great time at the Carnival.

Emily showing Gregory his photo.

Helpers Alma (5th Floor Activity Director) and Hanna (5th Floor Social Worker.)

Michael and Hannah.

Gregory and Manny (Private Care Aide, Friend, and Lifesaver!)

Larry sitting up the "Ring Toss" game.

Sharon and Michael at the "Jug Tumble" and "Duck Pond" game.

Sheryl and Sarah at the "Kissing Booth" and "Soccer Slam" games.

 Naomi at the "Luck Dice" game.

Robert at the "Clown Tumble" game.

Caroline at the "Beach Ball" game.

Cheryl at the "Ice Cream Scoop" game.

Howard at the "Fruit Match" game.