Yoga for Loss and Grieving: Session 4 - Never Agains!

Missed last week's session 3. This week we worked on "Practice Intention" which was setting an intention for what might come out of today's session and "Life Long Desire," a more over time, life-long intention that we would like to consider.

For my "Intention," I set "Self-Forgiveness." Self-forgiveness for those times I didn't really understand what Gregory was going through as the effects of his Alzheimer's/ Dementia progressed. Self-Forgiveness for those times I could have done a better job if I was more aware of exactly it was that he was experiencing. Even though I did the best I could at the time, and even though I did a pretty terrific job, there is some grieving at not having been a better support to him, of getting angry with him, and at times of being downright mean to him!

While I have been beating myself up a little less as time has passed since Gregory died, I still wish I could have been better and obviously there is no way to go back in time to redo my behavior. I know that Gregory always forgave me and I was always able to quickly apologize; still the feelings and emotions linger of not ever again being able to make it right! That is one of the irrational side effects of death: the NEVER AGAIN syndrome!

For my "Life Long Desire," I set the idea of wondering what the rest of my life would be like and how I could spend it doing good for others.

Following the setting of the "Intention" and the "Desire" we let them drift into the background, as we continued our Yoga Nidra practice, knowing that we had acknowledged them but did not need to do anything about them or work on them. Just having noted them was enough for now.

Next, we visited our "Internal Resource" place, that place we can go to anytime we need to seek peace and comfort and safety. This time Gregory was not in bed but was waiting to greet me by the door. We hugged with great love and joy in a way that we had not hugged for a long long time due to his being in a wheelchair for over a year during his time at Lieberman. I wanted it to be real so it was, for a few moments real.

Again, like last session, while being in my Internal Resource place was beautiful, if was emotionally overwhelming. The realization was that hugging Gregory could only exist here, in my Internal Resource now and only in my imagination made me very sad (although I fancied that I was really hugging him and if I deemed it so, it was so!) Once again death waved the NEVER AGAIN flag. Hugging Gregory could exist in my memory but never again in real life. Somehow I will have to come to grips with this being enough for me.

I realized that while often I am happy and enjoying my new life without Gregory, the shadow of sadness still strongly fades every bright color that shines through the clouds. I cried silently so as not to disturb the other students or instructor in the class.

Slowly I drifted back to the rest of the practice with its breathing, its being aware of my body in relation to the floor and the air and the room. Slowly I returned to the calmness and peacefulness of the practice and for the time being left my sorrow behind. When it was time to slowly come back to reality, back to my body, back to the room with the other students, the tears flowed again but I gathered myself together, put my pillows and blankets and chair back in the store room, wished Corrine a "Thank You" and came home to write this post.

While I believe that I gained much from the session, I am aware that I am feeling somewhat numb and spent. I hope I will sleep well tonight.

Panchamaya Model

The Panchamaya Model is an ancient model of Yoga and Mindful Meditation that is the focus of a six week session that I am taking. The instructor, teacher, guide, guru, new friend is Corinne Peterson. 

http://www.corinnepeterson.com

You may remember a number of postings in the past when I was taking her Yoga Nidra classes. Yoga Nidra has helped so much, especially is dealing with Gregory and my journey with Alzheimer's, and I am grateful to Corinne for the great gift she has given to me.

Now that Gregory is lovingly ensconced and embraced by The Lieberman Center, it is time for me to focus on me. Slowly I have been regaining my sense of independence, relationships, emotions, life activities, and life purpose. What I know, however, is that I have let my physical body go to wreck due to lack of sleep, emotional disturbances, stress, lack of exercise, and comfort eating.

While most has calmed down since Gregory moved into Lieberman in January, the "body" is still out of control. Overweight. Huge belly (comparatively.) Achy joints especially knees and hips. Back pain. Little exercise. Little stamina. Loss of muscular strength. Shortness of breath. (How is that for being honest as I wash my laundry in front of the world?) 

I decided that it was time to take these "warning signals" to heart (literally) and do something about it. This is where I have started: 1) Focus on weight loss with my therapist, 2) Renewed LA Fitness gym membership, 3) Committed to a year with a personal trainer, 4) Am taking Corinne's Yoga session, 5) Have begun eating better.

My guess is that you will begin to see these themes show up in my writing. P.S. I have also decided to try to revitalize my writer's BLOG so I will be posting this type of personal grown at michael a horvich writes. I will repost this there and then continue it only on that site. So if you are interested in following:

http://mhorvich.blogspot.com

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The following provides a brief overview of the Yoga model which I will be working with over the next six weeks. Tomorrow I will write about my experiences with the first session.

Pancha Maya Kosha Model: Yoga Therapy and the Five Koshas
(http://yogauonline.com)

Yoga offers such a broad range of healing benefits, because it works holistically on the level of our whole being, not just the physical body. According to yoga philosophy, we are not just our physical body or mind, we are holistic, multi-dimensional beings made up by many different, interactive levels.

In the yoga framework, these levels are referred to as the five sheaths of our being, or the Five Koshas. To understand the Five Koshas and the role they play in yoga therapy, it's easiest to think of the Koshas as a series of Russian dolls, each embedded within the others. Starting from the outermost layer and moving towards the core, the Five Koshas proceed from outer to inner in greater and greater levels of subtlety:

Annamayakosha-The Physical body. This sheath represents the physical body, the 'regular' gross expression of our body that we can see, touch and feel. The Sanskrit word Anna means food, and the word mayameans appearance. This is the sheath of food, nourished by and created by our daily intake of food. TheAnnamayakosha is our physical body, the most familiar aspect of our being. As we practice yoga asanas, the physical body is the starting point of our experience.

Pranamayakosha-The Energy body. According to yoga therapy traditions, this is the second layer of our being.Prana means energy, but not energy in the usual Western meaning of the word. Rather, prana is the life-force, the vital energy which flows through and enlivens all our physical systems. The breath is the most physical expression of prana, and prana is closely related to the breath. Breath awareness and breathing practices, calledpranayama, increase and facilitate the flow of prana in the body and balance the flow of the life force to all the physical systems.

Manamayakosha-The Mental-Emotional body. Manasmeans mind, and the Manamayakosha is the layer of our being expressed as mind, emotions, and feelings. These are the mental faculties with which we absorb, process, and interpret input from our life (presented through the senses of the physical body). It is like a supervisor in a factory, which unfortunately often mistakenly takes on the role as manager.

Vijnanamayakosha-The Wisdom body. The fourth Kosha is considered part of the subtle body. Vijnana means knowing, and this sheath represents the higher mind, the faculty of wisdom, which lies underneath the processing, thinking, reactive mind. This is the level of our being, that has the higher wisdom to guide us through life and lead us to higher and higher levels of truth and integration. It represents the reflective aspects of our consciousness, which allow us to experience a deeper insight into ourselves and the world around us.

Anandamayakosha-The Bliss body. This is the fifth and final sheath of our being. Ananda means bliss, not bliss in the sense of emotions, such as happiness or pleasure, but an expanded, unbounded experience of reality. The ancients viewed the experience of the Bliss body as an experience of the deepest level of our being, an unbounded, blissful state of peace, joy, and love.

The Koshas are viewed as different, beautiful manifestations of our essential universal nature. According to yoga philosophy, this is known as Atman-the unbounded, universal Oneness of all that exists.

In practice, how do the different levels of our being interact? Take the example of depression. When we are depressed, we cannot help but slouch, rounding our shoulders and dropping our head forward Our breath becomes shallow and more restrained. In this way, our psychological mood, associated with our mental-emotional body (manamayakosha), affects our physical body (annamayakosha), as well as our breath and energy body (pranamayakosha).

In a yoga therapy practice, we begin to bring greater integration to the physical body with yoga asanas and to the breath body with yogic breathing or pranayama. As the flow of vital energy is freed up in the physical body and breath body, this in turn creates greater vitality and integration in our mental-emotional body. This is why many people find that practicing yoga for depression often improves their mood and well-being considerably over time.

Of course, such deep-level changes don't happen overnight. Over the long term, however, yoga therapy can create permanent healing, because it helps bring greater integration to the deeper levels of our being, leading to increased balance, wisdom, and spiritual enrichment in all areas of life.