Holiday Grief and Balance

As I have been told, there will be many firsts in life. Usually firsts are to be celebrated. I am looking for a way to celebrate my first Christmas in 40 years without Gregory. Not pushing myself to think about how I'll spend the actual holiday. Maybe I'll spend it at Lieberman, Gregory's last home, spreading joy to the residents?

I have decorated the condo for the holiday but minimally when compared to previous years. I have not baked any cookies but my taste buds are trying to convince me to make at least a few. Haven't purchased many gifts for people but will make my Ina Garten's Rosemary Cashews as gifts for family and friends.

Rang in the season at Roger's annual Christmas party on December 5th. Enjoyed the Christkindlmarket in downtown Chicago which my niece Colleen Maire.We bought German glass ornaments, ate potato pancakes with sour cream and apple sauce, and munched a Bratwurst. Bought myself a new computer and have been enjoying using it in and organizing my new office, the table in the living room which used to be Gregory's workspace. Looking forward to finishing the reading corner in the bedroom, replacing the computer desk that used to be in there, with a comfy chair, lamp, and additional bookcase

Will probably spend dinner with various friends over the next weeks and look forward to that. Bought but haven't wrapped new mice for Emma and Gigi. Feeling the joy of Christmas on one shoulder and Gregory's absence on the other. But somehow that creates a balance.

I will continue to grieve for a while yet ... but slowly, very slowly I am being able to think about past memories, both happy and sad, with both joy and sorrow, while carving the path of my future. 

Graph This

My life could be compared to a graph, a diagram showing the relation between variable quantities, typically of two variables, each measured along one of a pair of axes at right angles.

Sometimes I feel like a flat line, slogging through each day trying not to let too many emotions overwhelm me. I try not to think of the past, of Gregory when I am at home, of home when I am with Gregory.

Sometimes I feel like a saw toothed line, now up, now down, now happy, now sad.

Over time I am sure that the graph of my life is on an upward trend towards healing, towards coping, towards learning to live my life without the Gregory I first met some forty years ago.

When I am with him the line stands still, I am happy, the graph on hold. We have developed our small interactions that may or may not mean anything to an observer but which mean the world to us, a look here, a wink there.

I tell him I love him and he replies, "OK" or he shakes his head. Or I ask, "Do you love me?" and he nods. I get silly and in a high falsetto voice screech "I love you this much!" with my hands flying out to my sides or over my head. He giggles and that makes me laugh as well.

I take his Teddy Bear, named Peaceful, and put on a puppet show. The bear dances, and sings, and hugs Gregory while smothering him with kisses. Gregory laughs, or looks at Manny with his This Guy is Crazy look, and once Gregory grabbed the bear's nose in his mouth, biting and  "grrrrring" back at the bear as he shook his head from side to side bear style.

We hold hands with the hand holding in constant motion, perhaps to cut through the malaise  that often accompanies Gregory's inability to focus and to let him know, "I am here. I love you." I stroke his leg or squeeze his arm with the same message.

Or we sit in silence, just being there together; looking out the window, watching a movie on his television, spending time in the shaded park out back.

I give him treats which he easily receives as I pop them into his mouth: mini-cookies, chocolates, a drink of juice, a piece of fruit. Sometimes I put a pretzel rod into his mouth and he will reach up to hold it as he takes a bite and then continues to feed himself until the pretzel is gone.

I break into song, "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands," as I clap my hands. Second verse I clap his hands and sometimes he will continue clapping along as I sing.

When I am not with Gregory, the line can stand still as well. I loose myself in the here and now of a cup of coffee on the balcony over breakfast or on a walk in the neighborhood.

I sit at my computer and write as the ideas flow non-stop trying to keep up with my typing skills.

Grocery lists, folding towels, washing dishes, petting the cats come without the need for much through and they are good. A visit with friends or dinner out help time pass.

Then, when I least expect it, the graph line spirals out of control and I am mired in grief and sorrow and tears and loneliness. And I cannot imagine how I will continue to go on without the man who I love more than a graph could ever represent.

And I cannot see for the tears which splash my glasses and chill my face as they run down my cheeks. And the emotions are so strong that panic sets in at having to function while the emotions continue to escalate.

And graph lines have upward or downward trends, they DO NOT spiral. They do not spiral.

Then being spent, somehow a calm enters the lines of the graph and for a while the line is again flat. Emotions kept at bay. Sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes happy, sometimes sad. And the next day will arrive, trending, trending.

I say I am aware of GRIEF sitting on my right shoulder 24/7/365 but also great JOY sitting on my left shoulder. Most of the time I am in balance.

Balance

Sometimes to lose balance for love
Is part of living a balanced life.

(Idea from Eat, Pray, Love)

Here and Now Complications

My life right now, who I am, is so complicated with such mixed emotions. I asked my therapist how I could be feeling such dichotomous emotions and he said the answer is "Wisdom." 

Emotions are not separate but rather opposites along a continuum. In and of themselves, emotions are not good or bad. They just are. To be complete we need to acknowledge all of our emotions while trying to keep them in balance. Allow for happiness. Allow for sadness. Try to stay somewhere in the middle. 

I love my solitude, I miss Gregory. I love having the condo to myself, I wish he was here with me. I like making decisions by myself, I have no one to rely on. I feel such joy at the same time I feel such despair and loneliness.  

If I look through Gregory's eyes, I am at peace. When I look through my own, I am at turmoil. I have always had a life of my own and separate friends and personal goals/ambitions but I would love to be able to share their progress with Gregory like I used to. 

I yearn to cuddle in his arms at bedtime. I miss a good FUCK. I miss a good back rub. I miss sharing my feelings after watching a movie. I miss eating half my dinner at the restaurant and then switching and enjoying the new tastes in his half. I miss his help carrying the groceries in from the car. I miss his company while waiting in the lobby for a doctor's appointment. I miss his patience with me. I miss his supporting and encouraging me to be who I am.

I am doing a fairly good job of living in the here and now like Gregory is doing, know in my heart that HERE and NOW  is all we really have, but find myself wondering if I should be dealing with or thinking about the future. To be honest I cannot imagine a future.

Balance

During the session on Thursday with my Psychologist, I mused about dichotomies.

How can I feel so joyful and so sad at the same time. So contented and disoriented? So calm and so crazy?

How can I be enjoying being in the condo by myself, making all life decisions by myself, and sleeping so comfortably all night while missing the heck out of Gregory being next to me in the TV room, deciding together where to go for dinner, and sleeping lightly next to him in bed ready to monitor any night time needs?

How can I be feeling so strangely contented and so deeply devastated?

My therapist replied to my question of how I can be feeling such extremes at the SAME TIME saying something like this, "Michael, I would call that wisdom. Most people do not realize that joy and sorrow, for example, are the same emotion just opposite ends. Emotions are not good or bad. One is not bad and the other good. They both walk hand in hand. When one is able to keep the balance of those emotions more closely embraced in the center of their being, they are able to function in life more easily. This is not to undermine or diminish your loss with Gregory's changes but to recognize your strength and ability to carry on, which in the long term also benefits Gregory!"

Balancing Emotions

The article "Balancing Emotions," reproduced below, helped me gain yet another insight into why I react to difficult interactions with Gregory in ways with which I am not happy and which I am trying to change.  

For this post, I want to concentrate on this particular part of the article: 

Emotions and inner patterns of behavior arise like waves of energy within us. They take the form of feelings and reactions that play out over and over again. These patterns are very habitual: a trigger comes and the pattern arises. Sometimes, we do not even need the trigger; the pattern is just there.

After 35+ years of life and love with Gregory, we have many shared experiences and have learned many patterns of interaction. Now, ten years into our Journey with Alzheimer's Disease, many or most of those old patterns of interaction have changed or disappeared. We have compensated, revised, tweaked, changed, dropped, and added to our repertoire.

Often our interactions are based on Gregory's current normal (which is somewhat crazy) but to keep our life as normal as possible, I also try to interact with Gregory like I always have. When an interaction goes awry I still react as if Gregory is normal, as if the interaction should have been normal, as if our relationship still is normal. However, he is not and they are not. So I get angry, impatient, frustrated, and at times disrespectful.

The old patterns arise like waves of energy and are habitual, but because the old normal is mismatched with the new normal, the energy is often negative. Angry energy. Disrespectful energy. Impatient energy. Frustrated energy. Confused energy. 

Even though I have worked at changing many of our patterns, many more of the old ones still surface without needing a trigger. In looking at myself over the last ten years, what I have had to do is relearn and analyze my patterns of behavior and make sure they mesh with the "New Normal" that Gregory and I are living now. 

Sometimes I am able, other times I am not. Part of the problem is that the "New Normal" will be new yet again later tonight, tomorrow, and the next day etc etc etc. I'll keep trying.

Balancing Emotions 

From: tricycle: The Buddhist Review, Spring 2013.

A discussion by Lawrence Levy, founder and senior member of the Juniper School, based on a workshop by and the teachings of Segyu Rinpoche.

Long devoted to translating traditional Buddhist teachings into contemporary idiom, the Silicon Valley–based Juniper School, led by Segyu Rinpoche, has in the past few years reached out to the general public with its accessible teachings. Here, a senior member of the school describes the practice of Balancing Emotions, one of the “four building blocks of Buddhist training” (the other three practices are Meditation, Cultivating Compassion, and Developing Insight). In March, Segyu Rinpoche, a Brazilian-born lineage holder in the Tibetan Gelug tradition, will offer a four-part video retreat on all four practices at tricycle.com.

Balancing Emotions means gaining control over the mood and outlook we bring to everything we do. Our inner emotions have an enormous effect on our experience, often impeding our inner growth. Balancing our emotional energy can create a significant shift in our inner well-being, creating new levels of inner strength and tranquility.

—The Juniper School

One of the great insights of Buddhist thought is the central role of emotions and inner patterns of behavior in our experience. Strong cravings and emotional patterns color almost everything we do, sometimes keeping our minds disturbed for long periods and often upsetting our personal and professional lives. Although our emotions are normal aspects of experience, they can become like mental prisons. A single word, or even a look, from another person can trigger a range of emotions that consume us for hours, weeks, or longer. These inner states typically are present regardless of our outer endeavors and attainments, and they can be highly resistant to change. Wealth, fame, and other worldly successes, for example, often fail to provide the contentment we anticipated because they do little to change the emotions and patterns of behavior that govern how we feel.

Emotions and inner patterns of behavior arise like waves of energy within us. They take the form of feelings and reactions that play out over and over again. These patterns are very habitual: a trigger comes and the pattern arises. Sometimes, we do not even need the trigger; the pattern is just there. This emotional energy incites us to action, driving our mood, experience, and interactions with others. It can make us do things we do not want to do, leaving us to rationalize our behavior or to regret our actions. When our emotional energy rises, it is difficult to dissipate it at will. It needs to run its course. Consider, for example, how anger, envy, resentment, lust, and other emotions can dominate our mood and attention. Buddhist training gives us tools to bring these waves of emotional energy into balance.

To gain this balance, first we have to commit to learning about ourselves and growing. This is often not as easy as it sounds. For example, we have a strong tendency to blame problems on outer conditions—the boss, the neighbor, the friend, the economy, the family, the environment, and the like. We tend to convince ourselves that if outer circumstances were to change—if we had more money, more fun, more friends, more free time, more respect, better relationships, and so on—things would be better. However, although outer changes may help, we often give them too much weight, and we have difficulty seeing the obstacles created by the inner forces at work.

Once we acknowledge the importance of looking within ourselves, we have to elevate our awareness of how our emotions and patterns of behavior affect us. We begin to see the impact on our lives of our emotions, our inner patterns of behavior, and the inner stories that dictate how we see ourselves and the world around us. Becoming aware of these inner forces is key to changing them. Just the awareness can make a difference.

Having enhanced our awareness of our emotions and patterns of behavior, we can apply remedies that will reduce or eliminate those that cause inner agitation. These remedies include committing to a path of inner development, meditating, exercising self-restraint, and cultivating positive modes of thought and action. Buddhist training guides how to do each of these.

However, we must be careful not to suppress or bury our emotions; then the energy just finds its way somewhere else. Instead, by gently robbing negative emotional patterns of their power and by practicing positive modes of thought and action, we bring balance to our inner lives, and our minds will gradually become habituated to remaining calm, stable, and clear.