Happy New Year - 2016

What a year this has been. Helping Gregory live as vital a life as possible at the Lieberman Center, even with my emergency appendectomy, even with Gregory's passage ... I am grateful. I am thankful. I am full. 

Life has given me many gifts, Gregory being the biggest, and has taken back, Gregory being the hardest to return. I look forward to a new year in which to learn how to keep Gregory in my heart and in my mind without the pain it now creates.

I look forward to seeing who I become on my own with the years I have left: the good I can do for others, the adventures I can find for myself, sharing my love and my life with friends and family. I look forward to my continuing to grow, experience, process, write, and understand is possible

Wishing you a very Happy 2016. May your life be one of love, health, financial comfort, and when possible happiness.

Refocusing One's Grief

I have been thinking about this lately. And today's DailyOm, which it often does, caused me to sit down and put my thoughts into words.

The closer we get to Christmas, the more I have been grieving Gregory's death, the sadder maybe even depressed I have been feeling.

I know that this is only natural and one will be told by everyone else that we should expect this on firsts: First Thanksgiving. First Christmas. First Anniversary without Gregory in January which would have been (or should I say will be) 41 years together?

But I also know that Gregory does not need me to grieve, the universe is not benefitted by my grief, God (if she exists) does not need me to grieve. I am the one who needs to grieve but if it makes me sad, unhappy, and possibly depressed; maybe I do not need to grieve as much or in the way that I am doing so.

My Grief does not make Gregory's life any more or less meaningful. My Grief will definitely not bring him back to me for even a moment or two in realtime. My Grief will not being me joy, or cheer, or good feelings, or help support my health. So I continue to question Grief.

It is as if Grief gives me permission to wallow in my sorrows, my loneliness, my "what if's," my "if only's." It is as if I allow Grief to slow me down, feel tired, feel lethargic, to not accomplish those things I want to accomplish. I allow Grief to cause me to be poor company to friends and family.

So I continue to question grief. If I can turn my Grief into a more productive activity, I will be served. Gregory will be served. The universe will be served and God (if she exists) will are served. Family and friends and my two cats, Emma and Gigi, will be served. So I continue to question grief.

I believe that if I want to believe in something, then it is true. At least for me. So I continue my conversations, my dialogues with Gregory or with Gregory's Spirit although they at times might seem like monologues. But sometimes I hear Gregory's answers. At least I hear them in my head. At least they may be coming from him, from beyond, or from my 41 years of knowing what he would say, but none-the-less they come.

And I feel at times that Gregory, or Gregory's Spirit, is sad that I am sad, unhappy that I am unhappy, misses me because I miss him. I hear him telling me to try not to be so sad because it makes him feel sad as well. And that doesn't serve Gregory in whatever his next set of adventures and spiritual growth may need.

So I have been trying to grieve less. Grieve yes but less. When I feel sad I try to change the thoughts to ones of joy. When I feel lonely, I try to remember the good times and to be grateful for them. When I feel depressed, I sit with the feelings then tell myself to move on.

By allowing myself to stay sad, stay lonely, stay depressed, I am allowing myself to wallow in my grief instead of celebrating not only Gregory's life but also my own. I am seventy years old, I have much to celebrate and will have much to celebrate yet. By grieving less I will not be wasting those precious moments, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years I have left.

So enjoy, not grieve. Laugh, not cry. Celebrate, not mourn. Sing and dance. I tell myself. And most of the time it works. And when it doesn't, I allow myself to sit and wallow but not for more than fifteen minutes at a time. Then I continue on continuing on.

• • •

www.dailyom.com

December 20, 2015 Raise Your Vibration Focus on the Goodby Madisyn Taylor There are many ways to raise your vibration including thinking positive and uplifting thoughts. Everything in the universe is made of energy. What differentiates one form of energy from another is the speed at which it vibrates. For example, light vibrates at a very high frequency, and something like a rock vibrates at a lower frequency but a frequency nonetheless. Human beings also vibrate at different frequencies. Our thoughts and feelings can determine the frequency at which we vibrate, and our vibration goes out into the world and attracts to us energy moving at a similar frequency. This is one of the ways that we create our own reality, which is why we can cause a positive shift in our lives by raising our vibration. We all know someone we think of as vibrant. Vibrant literally means “vibrating very rapidly.” The people who strike us as vibrant are vibrating at a high frequency, and they can inspire us as we work to raise our vibration. On the other hand, we all know people that are very negative or cynical. These people are vibrating at a lower frequency. They can also be an inspiration because they can show us where we don’t want to be vibrating and why. To discover where you are in terms of vibrancy, consider where you fall on a scale between the most pessimistic person you know and the most vibrant. This is not in order to pass judgment, but rather it is important to know where you are as you begin working to raise your frequency so that you can notice and appreciate your progress. There are many ways to raise your vibration, from working with affirmations to visualizing enlightened entities during meditation. One of the most practical ways to raise your vibration is to consciously choose where you focus your attention. To understand how powerful this is, take five minutes to describe something you love unreservedly—a person, a movie, an experience. When your five minutes are up, you will noticeably feel more positive and even lighter. If you want to keep raising your vibration, you might want to commit to spending five minutes every day focusing on the good in your life. As you do this, you will train yourself to be more awake and alive. Over time, you will experience a permanent shift in your vibrancy.

The Season

Pine. Apple. Cinnamon. Rosemary. Roasting Cashews, Ginger, Peanut Butter, Oatmeal. Yummy.

The Christmas Season is always full of wonderful smells. I didn't think I would be baking for the holiday because of missing Gregory but ended up NEEDING to! 

It started with peeling and cooking a batch of apple sauce with apples that were about to be tossed due to old age. A touch of butter and a dash of cinnamon. Yum.

The smell of cinnamon forces me to make more. Ginger bread cookies, oatmeal raisin cookies, and peanut butter cookies. Didn't make my mom's Walnut Balls or Gregory's Great Grandma Barbara's German Spice Cookies. Maybe next year. 

Also made, as gifts for friends, Ina Garten's Barefoot Contessa Rosemary Cashews. Maybe the departed can still smell their favorites, if so I think I made Gregory happy!

Apple Sauce

Rosemary Cashews

Ginger Bread (left)

Peanut Butter (top right)

Oatmeal Raisin (bottom right)

Yoga for Loss and Grieving: Session 4 - Never Agains!

Missed last week's session 3. This week we worked on "Practice Intention" which was setting an intention for what might come out of today's session and "Life Long Desire," a more over time, life-long intention that we would like to consider.

For my "Intention," I set "Self-Forgiveness." Self-forgiveness for those times I didn't really understand what Gregory was going through as the effects of his Alzheimer's/ Dementia progressed. Self-Forgiveness for those times I could have done a better job if I was more aware of exactly it was that he was experiencing. Even though I did the best I could at the time, and even though I did a pretty terrific job, there is some grieving at not having been a better support to him, of getting angry with him, and at times of being downright mean to him!

While I have been beating myself up a little less as time has passed since Gregory died, I still wish I could have been better and obviously there is no way to go back in time to redo my behavior. I know that Gregory always forgave me and I was always able to quickly apologize; still the feelings and emotions linger of not ever again being able to make it right! That is one of the irrational side effects of death: the NEVER AGAIN syndrome!

For my "Life Long Desire," I set the idea of wondering what the rest of my life would be like and how I could spend it doing good for others.

Following the setting of the "Intention" and the "Desire" we let them drift into the background, as we continued our Yoga Nidra practice, knowing that we had acknowledged them but did not need to do anything about them or work on them. Just having noted them was enough for now.

Next, we visited our "Internal Resource" place, that place we can go to anytime we need to seek peace and comfort and safety. This time Gregory was not in bed but was waiting to greet me by the door. We hugged with great love and joy in a way that we had not hugged for a long long time due to his being in a wheelchair for over a year during his time at Lieberman. I wanted it to be real so it was, for a few moments real.

Again, like last session, while being in my Internal Resource place was beautiful, if was emotionally overwhelming. The realization was that hugging Gregory could only exist here, in my Internal Resource now and only in my imagination made me very sad (although I fancied that I was really hugging him and if I deemed it so, it was so!) Once again death waved the NEVER AGAIN flag. Hugging Gregory could exist in my memory but never again in real life. Somehow I will have to come to grips with this being enough for me.

I realized that while often I am happy and enjoying my new life without Gregory, the shadow of sadness still strongly fades every bright color that shines through the clouds. I cried silently so as not to disturb the other students or instructor in the class.

Slowly I drifted back to the rest of the practice with its breathing, its being aware of my body in relation to the floor and the air and the room. Slowly I returned to the calmness and peacefulness of the practice and for the time being left my sorrow behind. When it was time to slowly come back to reality, back to my body, back to the room with the other students, the tears flowed again but I gathered myself together, put my pillows and blankets and chair back in the store room, wished Corrine a "Thank You" and came home to write this post.

While I believe that I gained much from the session, I am aware that I am feeling somewhat numb and spent. I hope I will sleep well tonight.

Living in the Here and Now

You're always on your way somewhere. The key is: find a way to be happy wherever you now are on your way to where you really want to be. (We're speaking of the state of being you want.) It does not matter where you are; where you are is shifting constantly - but you must turn your attention to where you want to go. And that's the difference between making the best of something and making the worst of something. ---Abraham Excerpted from the workshop: Detroit, MI on September 27, 2003 Our Love, Esther (and Abraham and Jerry)

http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

Happiness

Perhaps this song was written with Gregory in Mind.

Perhaps he has achieved his happiness.

Perhaps I am still working on achieving mine.

If video does not play, click this link:

HAPPINESS

At Peace With Suffering

STAY PRESENT, WITHOUT SECURITY"Instead of asking ourselves, “How can I find security and happiness?” we could ask ourselves, “Can I touch the center of my pain? Can I sit with suffering, both yours and mine, without trying to make it go away? Can I stay present to the ache of loss or disgrace—disappointment in all its many forms—and let it open me?” This is the trick."

Thank you to Shambhala Publications for the Heart Advice of the Week. To get yours, sign up at www.shambhala.com/heartadvice/

Joy is in the Air

Yesterday, after visiting Gregory for dinner, I experienced Joy. 

He was responsive, in a good mood, and happy. We spent time together over dinner and then watched his DVD of seasons backed with classical music, very comforting. 

On the way home I stopped to pick up dinner at my new favorite Chinese "hole in the wall" carry out restaurant. It is located on Golf about half way between Gregory and home. 

As I was walking back to the car, carrying my bag of Fried Rice, Shrimp Egg Fu Young, and Mongolian Beef; I sensed something different. 

Was it the feel of Spring in the air? Maybe. Was it the smell of the freshly cooked food in my bag? Maybe. Was it that my back (which has been out since Easter) finally had begun to feel better? Maybe. Was it the good visit with Gregory? Maybe.

Then I realized what I was sensing was Joy. Everything was good and in its place. And I was happy and content. And my feet seemed to be hovering above the pavement on which I was walking and my heart was soaring through the clouds, the blue sky, and the setting sun.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

There might just be a message in this:

CLICK: Happy Happy Joy Joy

A Miracle of Choreography of Heart Space

Reproduced from a post by close friend Jan who in turn pointed people to my blog. So if you find you are going in circles, STOP :-)

We were out tonight with long time friends (35+ years?), eight of us in all. GM (I have written about him before), one of the eight, was diagnosed with early onset of Altzheimers about 10 years ago and has progressively lost his words as well as a reduced ability to perform simple tasks including getting dresssed and eating. Some gifts were exchanged before we all walked to the local Chinese restaurant for dinner. GM’s partner asked him to take the paper and plastic to the recycle at the end of the hall near the elevators. GM looked confused and I said I would walk with him. In the hallway I asked him how he was feeling. He stopped and said, “I feel so…………” and then there was a long pause which is not unusual in his speech as he tries to locate words, “…………..happy.”

And then his eyes filled with tears and of course, then my eyes did too. I rubbed his back and said, “It sounds like you are more blissed out than happy.” He smiled. “Not many people are so lucky.” He nodded. We continued to the end of the hall to the recycling and worked our way back to the apartment.

Later in the evening I shared this little interlude with his partner, MH. He said, “I guess I’m doing a really great job.” Then his eyes filled with tears.

A caretaker’s love is often in tension and stressed. For GM, life can be a kind of nirvana though there is often frustration for him too. Balancing all this for the well being of both the caretaker and the one being cared for, is a miracle of the selfless choreography and capacity of heart space. While the unraveling relentlessly advances, I continually marvel at MH’s ability to create a safe and rich space for GM, even though it may come at some or great sacrifice on MH’s part. I am humbled by the depth of relationship and complex intricacies of the dance they share.

MH has maintained a blog about GM and the progressive manifestations of his Altzheimers. You ought to check it out. It is raw, genuine, and incredibly inspiring.

Meditation

Session five.

Spent more time today on emotions, session intention, and heartfelt life desires. I won't be able to be too articulate about this session because I WAS GONE. For the full 40 or so minutes. I was able to reach a deeply meditative state away from day to day activities which often are hassles especially at this holiday season. Was able to get away from Gregory as a main focus and spend some quality time with myself. All kinds of little awarenesses came and went but none dominated or distracted my relaxed meditative state. It felt good.

My intention was to be better able to take care of myself in whatever ways are necessary. "I take care of myself."

My heartfelt desire was HAPPINESS. "I am happy."

Interestingly enough I did spend a little time thinking about those activities which I would usually attribute to my responsibilities and immense love for Gregory. I realized that those very "requests," summarized by the term HAPPINESS, all had to do with me! For example being supportive of Gregory in a loving, even, patient way provide me with peace of mind and therefore happiness. So Gregory definitely benefits, but those actions add to my feeling of happiness.

I visited my "internal resource," which I have mentioned previously. It is deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers, and just across a path my tiny house just big enough for one. Today I added a rustic bench to the garden. About a block away at the edge of the forest is the ocean with the waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden. Corinne suggested we give our "internal resource" a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I called it, "Peace."

We revisited the ability to "Welcome" emotions, to recognize "Emotional Fusing" and to be able to de-fuse. Welcoming means that as human beings we WILL experience emotions, some good some disturbing. By recognizing that fluxuation of the emotions one can invite the disturbing ones in, wonder about them, deal with them, "ask them" that they are seeking from you, and finally ask them out.

Fusing deals with the occasions in which the emotions totally take you over, like being so angry you "see red" or you "rage" or can't stop crying. By realizing that you are fused with the difficult emotion, you can accept it but then begin to release and back away and defuse from it. We all get "fused" periodically, but better to be aware of the "fusion" than to be lost or trapped in it without awareness.

Have a Good Day

In some ways this is true for the person with Alzheimer's and for the one who loves that person. By letting go of the past you can live in the now and try not to worry about the future. Today is all we really have. Maybe the comment from the store clerk has a greater meaning than we know, "Have a good day."

Social

We have been busy and that is good.

Gregory has been spending his Tuesdays painting after a brief hiatis. He loves his time with Nancy Rosen www.nrosen.com and he continues to be as creative and prolific with his paining as ever.

Went to see "You Can't Take It With You," the movie, yesterday and on Friday look forward to seeing the play by the same name. The original Moss & Hart play premiered in the 1930's and it is one of our favorites. It is great living so close to Northwestern University and being able to benefit from the cultural experiences there.

Also at Northwestern, we attended an Opera Master Class with Nathan Gun, world renowned baritone. Five students from the graduate program at NWU each performed a piece and then Mr. Gun gave suggestions to guide their improvement.

We saw three operas in two weeks: Werther, Elektra, and Simone Boca Negra. All were at The Lyric Opera of Chicago where Gregory and I, volunteering during tech rehearsals, are entitled to see all of the season's dress rehearsals.

Going out to dinner tonight with neighborhood friends and again tomorrow to help a friend celebrate his 60th birthday.

Gregory has begun swimming again and is very pleased with himself. Ken and Ben, his companions join him at the pool and that has helped him to navigate getting from the condo downstairs to LA Fitness and back since he cannot do that on his own anymore.

For Thanksgiving we will be with Nancy Rosen's family. Her mom, Eileen, who lives in our building and is a good friend will be there as well.

Of course the day after Thanksgiving we will decorate for Christmas and begin baking. Busy hands are hands that do not wring themselves over Alzheimer's!

There Are Good Days

Try as I might to post about the good days, it is most often the bad ones that send me to my computer to contemplate, to process, to poeticize.

So when you see a string of posts, you can probably guess that the marry-go-round is spinning wildly out of control.

When you see a string of NO-posts, you can probably assume that for the most part things are mostly under control and I am coping.

Under any of these scenarios you may assume that Gregory feels content, happy, and safe.

As he signs off each evening, reading aloud the words I printed on a Post-It from a poem called "The Enlightened Heart:"

SIMPLICITY, PATIENCE, and COMPASSION." 

These are his guidelines and my aspirations.

Believe

On this last day of the Christmas/New Year's holiday, I want to share these lyrics with you. This is what Christmas is for Gregory and me. Even though we have been through a lot, we are blessed and we celebrate the magic that is our relationship, a relationship which will always be magic no matter what comes to pass. Christmas always helps remind us of what is important ... so we can keep going for another year.
Sending you my love,
Michael


BELIEVE
Josh Groban


Children, sleeping.
Snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling, 
Like bells in the distance.
We were dreamers,
Not so long ago.
But one by one, we
All had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away... 
We find it all again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying, 
Hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste, 
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
Give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just believe.

Trains move quickly
To their journey's end.
Destinations...
Are where we begin again.
Ships go sailing,
Far across the sea.
Trusting starlight, 
To get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way...
We find ourselves again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying, 
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste, 
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just Believe.

If you just believe.
If you just believe.
If you just believe...just believe...just believe.

Caregiver Affirmations

This is taken from the "Fearless Caregiver Newsletter," Thursday, November 18, 2010, Issue #8, www.caregiver.com and was written by "Joe in Illinois."

Caregiver Affirmations

I forgive myself and others, I live in trust for the future and I embrace this moment in life.

I take time to cherish myself, to enjoy life and to accept the support and company of others.

I accept the mystery of life and suffering; I know that the important gift I give is my healing love, and caring, listening presence.

I eat well, I exercise, I get enough sleep and I speak kindly to myself.

I keep a sense of humor and life life in gratefulness for all the small gifts of life, and I am open to my source of power beyond myself.

I set limits with people and make my own needs and feelings known to others.

I am a wonderful source of healing for those that I care for because I first love and care for myself.

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve and snow is making it a white one. Earlier, we went out for a walk in the snow and for lunch. Just finishing up coffee and a read which is what happens most evenings around five o'clock. Next a light dinner, watching "A Christmas Carol," and opening presents with a cup of hot chocolate and some of the cookies we baked: chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, peanut butter, walnut balls, chocolate walnut balls, brownies, and date nut bars. Then to bed.

Tomorrow will be more of the same. Resting, reading, sharing. Dinner of roast turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, orange cranberry relish, and a salad. Perhaps we will go for a walk again in the snow. For sure a nap will be in order sometime during the day.

This is the first "just Gregory and Michael" Christmas in a long while. We are counting January 10th as our 35 anniversary together and for at least 34 of those we have spent Christmas with family, both our assigned biological and/or our selected Gay one. This year one biological family lives far away and the other is traveling for the holidays. Half of the Gay Family is in Italy spending Christmas and two months on the move. A number of other friends are taking the opportunity to have a low key holiday as well.

Both Gregory and I are looking forward to this down time. Just the two of us, our warm cozy home decked out with holiday flair, and the baby Jesus. As Santa drives out of sight, we can hear him calling, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night."

It's Amazing

We are now finished with our decorating for the holiday. There are little Christmas trees with little ornaments everywhere you look; two in the kitchen, five on Gregory's table, one in the guest bathroom, one in the master bathroom, and one in our bedroom.

There are large, heavy, mercury glass ornaments of various sizes hanging across the sprinkler system pipe that crosses the living room: shades of blue, green, red, orange to yellow, purple, silver and white.

Three dozen glass ball ornaments are suspended in a spiral from the HVAC duct down the entry hall. They are attached via magnets, attached to springs, attached to alligator clips attached to the balls. The great thing is that the ornaments are all off color, none Christmassy: chartreuse, lime, lilac, purple, pink, black, white, turquoise, etc.

The mistletoe is hanging at the end of the hall suspended below a metal Star with a picture of Santa painted on it. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

A freshly baked ginger bread house sits on the coffee table. It is decorated with a meringue cookie roof, multi-colored bubble gum ridge pole, red and green candy corn fence, spearmint leaf bushes, frosting decorated windows and doors, a candy cane wreath, and a chocolate flavored stones making a cobble sidewalk.

Metallic colored metal words: joy, believe, peace, love, faith, and hope, dangle from magnets on the furnace vent in the hall.

A plastic Santa glows in the guest bath, a plastic snowman lights up the master bath, and a ceramic Christmas tree with plastic beads glows at the end of the kitchen counter.

Three sizes of white lights are wrapped around the balcony railing and plastic candy canes are hung with care along the length of the balcony. A live tree, three feet high sits in the middle with its white lights glowing softly.

In the past, Gregory and I decorated the house together. Now-a-days I do it by myself and he helps when he can. Mostly Gregory sits and watches and takes great joy in seeing the "things" of our holiday get unwrapped and put into place.

A stack of presents gayly wrapped sit on top of my computer console. As usual I have bought some wonderful gifts for Gregory and I have bought some wonderful gifts for me from him. I usually get what I want for Christmas!

Throughout this process, I was very aware of an amazing thing. I was and am feeling blessed, happy, content, and joyful. Alzheimer's is besides the point. To end this BLOG, I'll repeat the words I look at in the hall each night before I go to bed: joy, believe, peace, love, faith, and hope. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Well Held in the Arms of an Art Angel

"Gregory's images are amazing. And how well-held he is in this creative and alzheimer colored journey. I love you guys. And Nancy too for being the art angel who has magically entered your lives."


This response, from our friend Jan, so moved me and so sums up Gregory's relationship and interactions with Nancy Rosen, artist and friend, who has inspired and coached Gregory in the use of oil paints as an art form. She truly is an "Art Angel."


And I judge my success at "Well Holding" Gregory by the measure of how happy, content, involved in life, and safe he feels. Life is good.

Sigh

Last night as we were drifting off to sleep, Gregory let out a long sigh. As I am used to doing, I asked, "Are you OK.?"

"Yes, Gregory replied, "I am just so happy."

"And that makes me happy," I replied.