And again.

I say I will grieve less and then I cry, and sob, and moan, and scream, and pound, and rage and then I find calm again and then I continue again. And again. And again. And again.

My Guru

Guru: Guru is a Sanskrit term that connotes someone who is a "teacher, guide or master" of certain knowledge. In pan-Indian traditions, guru is someone more than a teacher, traditionally a reverential figure to the student, with the guru serving as a "counselor, who helps mold values, shares experiential knowledge as much as literal knowledge, an exemplar in life, an inspirational source and who helps in the spiritual evolution of a student."

I call Corinne "My Guru" and she always demurs, but I insist. She has done so much for me, through her yoga and Yoga Nidra classes, in helping me find peace during a time that was and is chaotic, stressful, emotional, frightening, frustrating, and I could go on. I am referring  to Gregory and my journey with Dementia/ Alzheimer's followed by his death, two months ago on October 4th.

Over the years, I studied world religions, searched deeply into my own Judaism, thought about Christianity, read the philosophies of great men, yet never found a path to finding peace, a way to get away from my problems, a way to cope with my sorrow and lonliness. Meditation and Corinne's classes helped me find that peace within myself and furthering my studies of Buddhism seemed to be the platform that enabled me to find that path.

Meditation and Yoga Nidra and Corinne have also helped me understand, deal with, and welcome in Gregory's death and my grieving. The current class I am taking from Corinne is called: "Yoga of Loss and Grieving."

If you have read my posts about session two and four, you will be familiar with one's "Inner Resource." Click here to read session 2's post. Click here to read session 4's post. (Both open in a new window.)

Based on my post about session 4, this is the e-mail I received from Corinne. You will see why I call her my Guru! Find out more about Corinne on her website. (Opens in a new window.)

Hi Michael – 

Thank you for sending along this post. I read it last night, and woke up thinking about it this morning. 

One thought I have is perhaps to develop an additional way to connect with Inner Resource - remembering that any visualization we use is to connect with the felt-sense of our own wholeness. Our true nature has never been harmed, has never suffered, has never caused suffering, is not lacking and has always been complete. This feeling is often described as peaceful, calm, safe, secure, strong, grounded, etc. Everyone has different language to describe this feeling.  Any imagery we use is not the feeling, rather a vehicle or pathway to experiencing it. The feeling is what we are connecting with, using this very human way to do it (our imagination).

My thought is that it could be helpful to have another way to connect with your Inner Resource that is more neutral/less charged.  Then you can reconnect with your True Nature/Inner Light in a way that is more direct, rather than through Gregory.  You can have more than one way of connecting with your Inner Resource, and you could decide which to use at different times. 

This may take some exploration, which I'd be happy to do with you. Therapy would also be a wonderful place to explore this. I'd also be happy to talk with your therapist at any time, I'm doing this more and more. Whatever is helpful for you in this mysterious, unfolding journey.

xo Corinne

This is my reply to Corinne:

Corinne, 

Hi. Thanks so much for your thoughtful e-mail. I think you are correct in your observations and as I was reading the e-mail, I instantly re-discovered another path to an Inner Resource. Many, many years ago when I was helping my fifth grade students through “Guided Visualizations,” I created for myself a personal waterfall oasis. It is a calm, peaceful place located in a lush, green rain forest. I would at times stand under the tepid water the of falls to wash away problems, fears, illness, etc. I think I will be able to use that as a way of “unloading” my current Inner Resource. Depending on what I am seeking, I can choose which one to go to in time of need. Thanks again my Guru!

Michael

Being Able to Remember

My days are fairly busy. After visiting Gregory almost every day for almost two years, my life away from him re-established itself.

I would spend an hour or two or three and then leave to continue my life.

I would go home, have dinner, watch some television, go to bed, read, cry, and think about him.

Or I would go out to dinner with friends, or go to the opera, or see some theater and then come home, go to bed, read, cry, and think about him.

Or I would run errands, clean up around the condo, go grocery shopping, cook dinner, take a shower, go to bed, read, cry, and think about him.

Or I would move things around in the condo, crate new spaces since I was the only one living here, make decisions on painting the walls with color in what has been an off-white condo, think about getting rid of the bedroom and guest room carpeting and having wood floors installed, go to bed, read, cry, and think about him.

Either way, I developed a life living on my own, without him except for those few hours almost every day.

Then one day, he died. It took four days, and although peaceful for him and traumatic for me, I have coped. I had prayed "Sooner rather than later!" And my prayers were answered. Now even those one, two, or three hours; almost every day, are mine to re-establish. 

Death makes no sense. When one looks at it closely, it fades into a surreal non-reality. After he died, my days were pretty much the same. Condo, Opera, Theater, Food, Friends, Read, go to bed, cry.

But the knowledge that he was no longer living at Lieberman crept in now and then and I would be overwhelmed with emotion. I felt like I would die myself if I gave in totally to the emotions so I only entertained them for brief periods of time.

I could not think of our times together and our memories as that would overwhelm me. I could not think of favorite jokes or sayings as that would overwhelm me. I could not picture him dead in his bed at Lieberman as I held his hand said my final goodbyes as that would overwhelm me. 

Slowly I have been able to remember. I have been able to look at photographs of our vacations and adventures. I could look at photos of him enjoying his diminished life at Lieberman as well as photos of us together enjoying our diminished life together.

Now, one short month and a half after his death, I am feeling much better although I have my "down" days, and still cry (sometimes when waking and sometimes when going to sleep) and expect that will continue for a long time to come. It may get less painful but the pain will never go away.

I get frightened when I think that he is never coming back and that I will be alone until I get old and die. I get frightened when I wonder who and what I will be in the years I have left. I think I hear him talking to me in my mind and I answer. I talk to him and I think he hears me talking in his now part of the universe mind. 

I continue to change the condo, I have been beginning to think of travels and things I would like to do with my life. 

I am excited about sharing the documentary with family and friends over the next months: ALZHEIMER's: A Love Story.

I am excited about the More Than Ever Education Fund and the meetings, and luncheons, and interviews, and fund raisers etc that Casa Norte is planning on behalf of the fund. The More Than Ever Education Fund, founded by Gregory L. Maire and Michael A. Horvich. That sounds great to me!

I am excited about beginning to work on my memoirs again and the potential of getting it published as a way to show others, especially same-sex couples, that they are not alone in this work against Dementia/Alzheimer's.

I am excited again about the possibility of producing and presenting "Michael's Flea Circus" with the actors, props, and circus acts in place and the program and acting needing to be rehearsed.

Recently I have begun reminding me of my prayers, "Sooner rather than later. " And I am grateful that Alzheimer's is no longer part of Gregory's or my "game."

I remind myself that the Gregory I met some 40+ years ago does in fact live on in my mind but the person who died was not that Gregory.

I remind myself that the Gregory with whom I spent most of my younger adult and middle age life, with whom I grew (with his support) into the person I am today does in fact live on in my mind but the person who died was not that Gregory.

I remind myself that the Gregory with whom I traveled the world, had many adventures, took many risks like "Michael's Museum," with whom I purchased my first and second houses and now this condo does live on in my mind but the person who died is not that Gregory.

So I am slowly being able to let the memories of our wonderful life together revisit me without being overwhelmed by emotion. I am able to understand that the Gregory who died had spent well, even with the diagnosis of Alzheimer's, the last many years of his life and that his spirit and soul were never dampened. So with dignity, compassion, patience, and love he was ready to move on to his next adventure, the kind of adventure on which you cannot take your best friend, your love, your life partner, your soul mate. So he left me behind until it is my turn. 

And I will make the best of these years so he will be proud of me and say, "Michael, I helped you be more of who you already were and now you must continue to do that, not with my help but in my memory. You are on your own but I will always live on in your memories, in your mind, in your heart!

Appropriate

This day's words from "Abraham" are very appropriate. I would add Alzheimer's as one of the "other creative ways you have found to make your exit into the Non-Physical."