Kate

Extremely moving post by friend Kate:

http://kateswaffer.com/2015/09/06/women-families-and-dementia-dam2015-day-6/#respond

Here is my reply:

Kate,

Often people will say, "I know exactly what you mean!" and it rings so false and so placating. However, again with tears blurring my view, I know so well almost everything you have discussed in this post. In some ways nothing I can say will lessen the impact and intense sadness you discuss.

Changes in relationships, socialization,  sex, movies, TV etc are the easy ones to overcome. Being the one who could still change while the other can no longer, is somewhat less easy but still OK. The slow disappearance of the person you love most in the world is the painful one.

For a long time I softened the concept of "carer" by calling Gregory and me a "Caregiving Team." I used to say to others (not expressing but feeling anger) I WASN'T a caregiver; I was a partner, a friend, a soul-mate, a lover, a spouse - and caring is what you do when you love someone.

While sometimes it was hard to separate the anger from its cause, I always knew it wasn't with Gregory that I was angry.

Fear? Yes. Worry? Yes. My own frustration and confusion? Yes.

Eventually I did become the care giver and now with the Lieberman Center Memory Care Facility in the picture I have become the secondary caregiver but I have won back quality, wonderful time together with Gregory.

It has been a difficult journey but I chose freely to walk beside Gregory on his path and somehow the love wins out, gives extra strength, helps us find the way, stifles the fear and worry, and keeps us going for those we love. It has for Gregory and I as it will for you and BUB and your family.

Fondly,
Michael

Dumb Shit

Today during my visit with Gregory I attempted to give him a kiss. As I moved towards him, he said, "No!" So I backed off and then attempted again. This time he swatted me with his hand breaking my glasses.

"You dumb shit," I yelled, "Now look at what you did. I can't believe you were so careless and now my glasses are broken. What are you, some kind of retard? Fool?"

He just looked at me.

"Now I have to take these fucking glasses to be fixed and live without them for a week until I get them back," my anger elevating, "that was so inconsiderate of you and quite thoughtless. You really piss me off, all I wanted was a kiss and now look at what you have done!"

He just looked at me.

No, I didn't really say or think any of the above. The fact that he struck out and inadvertently broke my glasses was just a fact of life. Wasn't his fault. Maybe was my fault. I really wanted a kiss but sometimes his "No" means "Yes" so I tried again. Next time I will be more careful about getting in his range without protecting my glasses.

We just continued our visit as I taped my glasses together, laughing to myself at the image of a nine year old Michael who used to have to tape his glasses together more often than not, and laughing together about something else as I offered him a Tootsie Roll and popped one into his mouth.

Before I left for the day, I asked for a kiss, he leaned in and gave me one and I kissed back. It worked this time.

I also got to thinking about what I would have said if Gregory had broken them for me some 15 or 20 years ago. I probably would have been angry and read him the riot act. Or maybe not. But it makes me feel bad to think that we have had to get to this point for me to so calm about things, not to blame, to take things in stride. What really matters in life and in love is respect, understanding, compassion, and a few other descriptors.

I sure do love that man, even if I have to see him through my broken glasses.

Today Was One of Those Days

My phone ring at 9 o'clock this morning. It was Manny saying he had hurt his foot and was unable to walk. He would not be able to help Gregory today. So I got dressed, had a quick breakfast sandwich, and went to visit Greg knowing I would be helping him with lunch, spending time, and then also helping him with dinner.

In some ways it felt like my day been ruined, in other ways I was excited about spending the entire day with Greg. When I arrived it Lieberman, Greg was already at the table in the dining room with his the food sitting in front of him. I don't think he was confused that Manny wasn't there and he was patiently waiting. He was very happy to see me, we hugged, and I gave him a kiss.

Gregory ate his lunch uneventfully. Table conversation with Batia and Martha was fun and a bit of crazy as usual. We went back to his room where I shaved him and we visited until it was time for his nap. While he was napping I left to run a few errands.

I arrived back from my errands to find Gregory's wing's "living area" filled with people listening to Sharon play the piano. This activity was not taking place in the usual place because two residents were in the final hours/days of their stay at Lieberman so keeping their wing more quiet and peaceful was in order.

Friend Pat had also just arrived and was in with Gregory when she had to leave so the aides could get Gregory up from his nap and into his wheelchair. I saw the aides beginning their task so I stayed out in the hall. Pat and I had visited for a while when the door to Gregory's room opened and one of the aides poked out to say Gregory was having a difficult time.

Both Pat and I went into the room to find Gregory arguing, screaming, swearing, flailing, and kind of being physical with the female aide. He had gripped her by the arm and kept pushing his teddy bear at her saying take this, take this. (Meaning take the teddy bear.) She was struggling with him, saying "I don't want the teddy bear." and finally loosened his grip on  her arm.

I got involved by announcing that I was there, everything was OK now, calm down, calm down. I hugged him. Held him. And struggled physically with him but only a little bit. I told the aides that I could handle it now and they left.

Gregory was still being verbal, shaking all over, and upset. He had me by the arm and each time I carefully pulled myself loose, he would grab me again. Eventually, smothered with kisses, and hugs, and love he did calm down. He was still shaking but by massaging his neck and back he was able to calm down.

Pat and I stayed with him until dinner and by then all difficulties had passed. Pat said goodbye as I took Gregory into the dining room. Dinner was uneventful and by 6:30 I said my goodbyes leaving him parked in front of the main TV with the other residents.

What caused this melt down? Don't know for sure but can surmise. Manny was absent. Gregory's nap had been earlier than usual and/or too long. The aide had put his pants on only half way up in case he peed and his legs felt constrained. Pat's visit ended abruptly when the aides arrived which upset him. Gregory's assigned aide is newer to him and therefore unfamiliar. Maybe he had a bad dream. Maybe the noise from the music out in the hall was confusing. Maybe he was frightened. Maybe he was inadvertently hurt by the lift. Maybe he wasn't in charge of what was going on and it was just the Alzheimer's. Maybe it was just a bad day.

Delores Went Home, Martha Joined Us, Batia Loves Gregory, Aaron's Wife Was Upset, and Michael is a Nut

This evening I spend dinner time with Gregory.

Batia, always verbal if not always understandable, really likes Gregory. When he is down she tries to cheer him up, when he smiles she is happy. Today she commented that Gregory is certainly a handsome man!

I wondered why mild mannered Delores was not at her place and to my relieve found out that she had been at Lieberman for a "vacation" while her family traveled. I was relieved that she, herself, had not taken the "long vacation."

Martha, newly at the table, was not too hungry and I encouraged her to eat a little more, which she did. When she was finished she wanted away from the table and is able to "foot push" herself around in her wheelchair. Gregory's chair was in the way so I moved it over a little to allow Martha to get away from the table.

Martha walked her wheel chair over to me to thank me for encouraging her to eat and for helping her get away from the table before it was time for bed. She stroked my arm and smiled warmly. Then she said, "You can give me a kiss now" and she leaned into my face to receive one, which I surprisingly gave. Then she left the dining room. I think Martha was hitting on me!

Aaron's wife was very upset and was berating the staff for taking her money but NEVER taking care of her husband. He had no knife or fork or glass and his food had gotten cold. "Sitting alone in a corner like a dog," was one of her comments.

No judgements, and I understand her upset, but she doesn't visit all that often. Aaron is mean and angry and yells very loudly when people approach to try to help. I have seen staff continue to approach him anyway, try to help him eat, and be friendly even though he threatens to throw things.

The Nurse Supervisor was called and showed up pretty quickly to try to help take care of the situation. Remember: Never try to reason with someone who is angry. Just say "I see, I see." and bide your time.

By now the tenor of our corner of the dining room had turned sour so Gregory, Manny, and I went back to his room to finish his dessert of canned pears (one of his favorites.)

After he was finished eating, I gave him a manicure. He rightfully got angry with me when I accidentally (after being oh so careful) nicked a cuticle and drew blood.) But he did calm down pretty quickly.

I gave Gregory a largish Teddy Bear a week ago. Now and then, I take it by the back of its neck, sit it on the arm of Gregory's wheel chair, and use it like a puppet, talking in a high voice, "I love you Mr. Man. Am I your favorite Teddy Bear? Let me give you a kiss. Smack. Smack. Etc."

Gregory's comment, looking over at Manny and smiling, "He is a nut!" I loved it!

Change

It is a new kind of sadness, grieving, despair.
Fear of the future and my ability to support him are gone.
Frustrations at his continued inabilities are left behind.
Anger of how his needs are changing my life do not exist.

At Lieberman Center his needs are being met
Although never as well as I was able to meet them.
I was always there for him when he needed me.
Now he waits, in a wet diaper, for the aide to arrive

I go to visit, to hold his hand, to read aloud
At meals I help him cut his food or manage his fork
I rub his neck and his swollen ankles,
And then an hour or two later, I go home.

He continues to live in the moment there
Seems to be enough, and he is content again.
He has never asked why or when or what or where.
The narrow world that is now his life, his home

The minutes, to me, seem to go so slowly
But his days pass easily and without variation.
The place through my eyes is painful to witness
He doesn't seem to notice the difference.

And then the fall and the eight staples in his head.
And the pain in his back and neck from the fall.
And the Grand Mal Seizure with its hospital stay.
But he doesn't complain, or cry, or need.

And the raised rails on his lowered bed,
And the increased difficulty moving around
And the need for the wheel chair to get around
But he doesn't resent, or anger, or demand.

So, it is a new kind of sadness, grieving, despair.
Fear of the future and my ability to support him are gone.
Frustrations at his continued inabilities are left behind.
Anger of how his needs are changing my life do not exist.

Now, with most of my previous emotions put to rest;
Fear, frustration, anger, resentment,
My sadness and grief and despair
Can be more purely felt and therefore more strongly.

All I can do now is wait, patiently wait.
Wait for the end of life to arrive.
His blessed end,
or mine.

A Reply

In response to a letter from a former work mate of Gregory's (http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com/2014/02/a-letter.html)

Dear Mary Ellen and Bob,

What can I say. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Never easy. Trite comments like "But we have so much for which to be grateful." are true but help little. People over the years have always been very kind with their advice, their "be good to yourselves," their love and affection, their suggestions. But in the end nothing really helps, does it? My "trite" comment for you would be, "Love is all we really have. Cherish it. Hold on to it." That has been my guiding principal.

I know, however, that advice from others doesn't really help until it becomes part of your own experience. I am happy that in some small way my journey with Gregory has been helpful to you both. My fervent wish for you, as it has been for me, is that I wish I could make it all go away! But since I cannot, I'll share Gregory and my motto that helped for many years, "We have a choice, lie down and die or hunker down and keep going the best we can!

Mary Ellen, Gregory always loved working with you and Thresholds was one of the career highlights of his life. He learned so much about people and caring and during that time of his life he met me, worked through leaving his wife after seven years, and eventually returned to his first love Architecture. He truly loved helping the residents at Thresholds; cooking with them, teaching life skills, going on shopping trips. In many ways you, and Jerry Dincin and Thresholds gave him a new identity which he has held on to this day.

Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts. In many ways they bring tears to my eyes. When I am able to step aside from my grief, my anger, my impatience, often my lack of compassion, my fear, my loneliness, my being less than perfect in my support of Gregory, my selfishness ... I do know that I did a wonderful job helping Gregory cope and manage to live with Alzheimer's for so many years. And even today when he is so much less than he was, and in my role as Secondary Care Giver with Lieberman taking most of the responsibility, he is safe, well taken care of, and loved by many many people.

Michael

A Turn of Events

As you have been following Gregory's continuing journey with Alzheimer's, you will be aware that within the last few months the journey has been getting increasingly more difficult. This last two weeks has been very difficult with his having crying bouts, major confusion, restless nights of sleep, more difficulties eating, etc.

Up until now the Alzheimer's seems to have provided a buffer allowing him to be shielded from the day to day skills and memory losses and to live a calm, happy, contented life. That has changed during the last two weeks with increased bouts of depression, upset, crying, confusion, aimless wandering, defiance, and some minor aggressiveness.

The last week has seen periods of my not being able to comfort him, calm his upset, direct his activities, etc. It is as if the Alzheimer's has been running out of control. Up until now I have been able to support Gregory is a way that helped him keep calm.

This morning, after three very difficult days; he would not be calmed, was very angry, would not let me help him. For lack of better description he turned his discontent, frustration, and hatred on me, wouldn't let me come near him, didn't think he could trust me, and became fairly violent. (Obviously I did not take this personally knowing what Alzheimer's can do!)

The measure of taking action was "I was afraid for him and myself" so I called 911. Not long after police officers, paramedics, and an ambulance crew were at our door to help. Interestingly enough Gregory was relieved that someone else had come to help protect him from me. He cooperated with them getting him on a gurney, into the ambulance, and off to the emergency room. I followed in my car.

When I got there he was calm, but my arrival excited him again. They gave him a sedative to help calm him down, I left the room (knowing he was in good, caring hands,) and routine blood and other tests were done to rule out extraneous infections and other causes for the spike in "craziness." All of the test results are not yet back.

I am currently back at the condo for a few hours quiet time, Gregory is with his Companion Alaksh and was happy to see him, Gregory isn't as upset with me right now, and he will be in a regular room over night at the hospital with a "sitter" from 11:00-7:00. Further observation and planning will take place tomorrow.

I'll keep you in touch.

To Read or Not to Read

I am still trying to figure out how I can help Gregory continue to read at bedtime. Perhaps I should rehearse what I should have said instead of what I did say when he handed me his book on the same page it was on when I gave it to him an hour earlier.

He often closes the book and cannot explain where he left off. When asked "Where did you stop? or finish? or end? (various words tried on various nights) he is unable to tell me. Often he points to where he began!

I think that he still comprehends although may not remember. So each period of time spent with reading is probably an isolated event, without his being able to paint the entire picture of the story, but he still enjoys his reading.

I am afraid that another problem is that Gregory might not any longer understand the mechanics of reading. Top to bottom. Left to right. Front to back. Turn page, begin again.

I show him where to begin reading, I keep an eye on the page he is on, I note where his eyes seem to be, and I mark the place he ended reading. But you can imaging what this means then when "HE" is reading and "I" am in charge!

Last night I dozed off while he was reading, when I woke and began to mark where he had left off, I saw that he was on the same page again. After success for the last week or so, I commented, "I cannot fucking believe that you are still on the same page! Did you loose your place? Do you remember where you ended? How are we going to do this?" Nicely done, don't you think! NOT.

What happens is that with these intermittant behaviors, with the ones that come and go, the ones which are here and unexpectedly evaporate ... I react according my expectations for what is a "normal" behavior not Gregory's ever changing "normal" and I freak. I speak out of anger, out of fear, out of worry for the future, out of defeat of all the work I did to try to help him hang on to the skill a little longer.

I do not respond this way to those skills and behaviors that no longer exist or more consistently come and go or are for the most part on their way out. I have developed lowered expectations for these type of interactions and deal with them as I support him. It is the "slaps in the face" or unexpected disappearances that freak me out.

I am working on it and have gotten better but I still am BELOW satisfactory on dealing with these kinds of occurrences. Most often my reaction is seated in the deep loss and sadness and grief and devastation that I feel for what he must be going through and then I end up treating him poorly.

So perhaps I should rehearse what I should have said instead of what I did say when he handed me his book on the same page it was on when I gave it to him an hour earlier.

Say nothing and have him begin in the same place the next night. Most likely I am the only one who will remember and I'll just have to swallow my despair which will be better than treating Gregory poorly and making him feel badly.

Bring on the next defeat...

Simmering

Shambhala Publications

HOW TO SIMMER

Not acting on our habitual patterns is only the first step toward not harming others or ourselves. The transformative process begins at a deeper level when we contact the rawness we’re left with whenever we refrain. As a way of working with our aggressive tendencies, Dzigar Kongtrül teaches the nonviolent practice of simmering. He says that rather than “boil in our aggression like a piece of meat cooking in a soup,” we simmer in it. We allow ourselves to wait, to sit patiently with the urge to act or speak in our usual ways and feel the full force of that urge without turning away or giving in. Neither repressing nor rejecting, we stay in the middle between the two extremes, in the middle between yes and no, right and wrong, true and false. This is the journey of developing a kindhearted and courageous tolerance for our pain.

—Now in paperback! Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change by Pema Chödrönhttp://www.shambhala.com/living-beautifully-2.html

Actions Mean A Lot

Today Gregory and I went to the Farmer's Market. Evanston's market is large, loud, and busy. The day was hot and humid. I could tell all was taking a toll on Gregory. We (I) decided to stop at the Crepe Stand and have some refreshment. We (I) ordered a savory crepe with tomato, feta, and grill onions topped with a pesto sauce. Delicious.

The crepe was cut in two but served on one plate. We went over to the table area and sat down. I pushed the halves of crepe apart, gave Gregory his napkin, knife and fork. We began.

But Gregory wasn't quite sure how to begin. I prompted, "Use your knife and fork." Didn't help. My first reaction was one of frustration mixed with anger. Couldn't even sit down at the market to have a bite to eat. Life is so complicated. How can I enjoy the day, or Gregory, or my snack when everything is frustrating. Why bother.

Then something else took over. I took the knife away and gently said, "You don't really need the knife. Here let me cut it for you." I did and then showed him that it would be easier to pick up the crepe by scooping the piece with his fork rather then trying to poke it.

After my explanation, he fumbled a little more but did get the process. As I watched my (our) success, my "voice" said to me, "Act with love. Not frustration or anger."

Guess which felt better?

Changing Relationships

Every now and then I share my reaction to a quote or daily inspiration (of which I read a number from various sources.) This one talks about emotions.

Your emotion, your indicator of vibration, is indicating the ratio between your currently focused desire and any other belief or thought that you hold about same. When you feel negative emotion, anger about something, or fear... the name of the emotion does not matter, it always means that there is a desire within you that, in this moment, you are contradicting with some other thought.

Your emotions are always about your relationship with your own desire, and nothing else.

---Abraham Click this to go to the Abraham-Hicks site.

This one caused me to stop and think about the various emotions that I experience because of Gregory's Alzheimer's. I re-visited a number of emotions and difficult interactions to see if the statement held true and in what seems like an overly simplified way, it does.

EMOTIONS: For example when Gregory is getting dressed in the morning and having trouble yet again with putting on his shirt, I find myself having the emotions of frustration and anger. 

DESIRE: My desire is that I want him to be able to do these daily activities of getting dressed.

DESIRE: Helping in the morning is difficult for me. I do not want to spend my energy trying to figure out how to show or explain the process to him when I know that I will probably fail. I do not want to "spin my wheels" in the process of his getting dressed when I know that my help will probably only complicate matters and that short of sitting him down and dressing him, I will fail.

So it is obvious that my emotions (negative) are in relationship to my desires (unreachable and doomed to failure) however, I can do something about creating alternate desires which will bring alternate emotions.

ALTERNATE DESIRE: I want to calmly and lovingly help him get dressed in the morning. I am changing my attitude, which is possible. I am not expecting him to

accomplish predictably something which he is unable to do.

ALTERNATE DESIRE: I am doing the best I can with a disease that is totally unpredictable, some things are possible one day and not on another. If I maintain my patience, even if I am not at my best in the morning, I can help him with gentle explaining and showing and if necessary doing. I am not failing but succeeding. I am changing my behavior, which is possible; I am not trying to change his behavior, which is not possible.

ALTERNATE EMOTIONS: So the new emotions (joy, love, and success) will be in relationship to my alternate desires (that together Gregory amd I are successful in helping him get dressed in the morning.) 

If I can change how I perceive my desires, I will be able to change the emotions I experience. Instead of the negative ones of anger, frustration, and failure; I will experience the positive ones of love, joy, success.

Horoscopes and Breakdowns

June 17, 2013

1. 
   

Aries (3/21-4/19)

No one -- not even you -- can be selfless and generous all the time! It's okay to mix a few selfish acts in with your good deeds today. Don't do anything too egomaniacal -- just put yourself first a few times when you usually wouldn't. This isn't an excuse to forget your manners -- you should still hold the door for old ladies, and say 'please' and 'thank you' -- but it is a reminder that you need to treat yourself like the star you are a little bit more often.

• • • • •

While it is hard to say this horoscope is meant for me alone (how many people in the world were born between March 21 and April 19?) it does apply.

Last night I cried myself to sleep wondering how I look to the rest of the world. Strong? Together? Even? Supportive? Loving? Giving? While recognizing those adjectives as part of who I am, I was not feeling them. I was sad, lonely, and feeling devastated as I walk along with Gregory and his Alzheimer's - every morning, every day, every night.

I don’t expect you to comprehend this life we’ve been forced to lead; however, I do expect and need your understanding. I want to be treated as normally as possible with the knowledge that my life has been turned upside down. The love of my life is dying before my very eyes. Each day he dies a little more. I’m in a continuous state of grief. It is like having a funeral every day of my life. I try to spare you my pain, but it’s there. If our lifestyle appears to be the same to you, I’m doing a good job of camouflage. I do what I do for Gregory, for myself, and for you.  

Michael Horvich (2006)

No one really to turn to in the hopes of making "it" go away. The Alzheimer's? The feelings? The tears? Last night, I just needed to cry, to howl. I needed someone with whom could cry but not someone who would try to comfort me for there is no comforting in dealing with this INSIDIOUS disease.

In some ways, even with loving family and friends, there is no one there for me since the only one who truly matters is Gregory, my life and soul mate of 35+ years, and he is less and less available. To himself? To me?

He seems content, happy, loved. He bumbles along day to day in a good mood, laughing at his inabilities. When I am at my grumpiest, he forgives me or lets me know that my role on the path is a difficult one. He appreciates me, he loves me.

So last night through my tears I heard a voice in my head say, "Tomorrow you die." No not death, but another part of my life gone as I re-evaluate Gregory's needs and try to accommodate them. Accommodate them not in what I consider my recently, once again gruff, impatient, angry way but only with patience and love.

Instead of treating him like an invalid, which I have been avoiding although sometimes without the use of language that is all that is left, I will be there to assist him for what might be or feel like 24/7. 

For example when I tell him at bedtime that it is time to brush his teeth, I usually go about the own business of closing up the house and getting the cats and myself ready for bed. Now I will wait to help him find his toothbrush (if he can't this time) and put the toothpaste on the toothbrush (if he can't this time) and run just a little water on the toothbrush to wet it (if he can't this time) and then make sure he knows how to get it into his mouth to begin brushing (if he can't this time) and when he is completely, and successfully brushing his teeth, I'll look back to my own needs.

And so tomorrow I die.

This process is the same for almost every life skill that Gregory attempts. Recently, at bedtime, he had on his shorts but not T-shirt (which I always put in the bathroom and announce, "Your night clothes are in the bathroom.") Having come into the bedroom without his T-shirt, he no longer knew where it was or even that he needed the shirt ... just that something is wrong. 

Another time, when he was getting his night shorts and shirt on, I come back into the room to find him with his feet through the arm holes of his T-shirt trying to pull the body of the shirt up around his bottom.

After my having taken the time to get his "stuff" and putting it in the bathroom for him and letting him know where the "stuff" is, you can see why I get a little frustrated (angry?) that even with all my help, it isn't working! And not only the anger but also the fear and worry about what the future will bring (although I try so hard not to worry about the future since I really cannot control it.) "Don't worry about those things you can control and don't worry about those things you cannot!" A Buddhist saying.

Having to do EVERYTHING for us, you can see how easily it is to fall into the frustrated, angry, gruff, impatient, fearful mode. 

With Ken, Gregory's companion living with us since April, my life has been a bit easier. But Ken will be leaving at the end of June to go back to Japan and then return to Vanderbilt University to begin his Master's Degree. So last night, I was also grieving not only Gregory but also our loss when we send Ken on his way. We have come to love that man with his gentle, loving, respectful, helpful ways!

So tomorrow I die but know that somehow I will survive. In last night's grief then, I realized that the next step has to be follow through, follow through, follow through. Not on Gregory's part because he is no longer able, but on mine. 

When I hand him his vitamins and medications I will wait there until he knows how to begin taking them. When I tell him to "fill your pockets" with wallet, keys etc, I will wait there until he begins doing so (and I will double check after while that he got everything he needed.) I will no longer ask him to wait in the car when I have to run into the drug store for a quick purchase, I will have him come with me. Recently he got out of the car and came into the store looking for me.

These activities and follow throughs will be difficult for me and I will have to learn how to attend with patience and love but they are a necessary next step. And like other "next steps" once I have mastered the step, I feel better able to cope, am less angry, less frustrated. 

The additional energy I have to spend in support of Gregory's daily needs is made up for by the less emotional energy I have to spend on anger, frustration, fear, guilt, etc etc etc. So tomorrow I die, but I am also reborn and continue on the path.

• • • • •

From the New York Daily News, January 1, 2013:

1. Year ahead: This is a year of personal transformation, and a time when you will feel compelled to review, reassess and restructure your life on many levels. At some stage you can feel cut off from the support you have become used to having and forced to be more self-sufficient, particularly on a monetary level. The role other people play in your life will be highlighted with you realizing their contribution to your life and you in theirs. Your home life takes on a greater level of importance, and you will desire to settle down on a more permanent basis and have more stability and security in your life. Personal growth: Over this year, your world view will continue to expand with you letting go of prejudices you once had and replace them with a broader more accepting view of yourself as well as those you come in contact with. Romantic month: Jupiter the planet of expansion enters your solar fourth House of home and family on June 26th, and stays there until July 2014, a period where you can make favorable changes in your personal life. Power month: March, a positive change in your career can move forward and a personal situation gains momentum to move to the next phase. Your annual new Moon is April tenth, which is the commencement of your next solar cycle. Angel advice: The structure of your life, as well as your values and beliefs, will be challenged this year. As you question the meaning of life and how purposeful your life is, it is important to be open to change and see any forced or unexpected changes in your life as the universe’s way of steering you back on the path you are destined to walk.
2. Love, family, friendship: With Jupiter shining its beneficial rays on your personal life from midyear, your focus will be on family and your home environment. The full Moon three months beforehand on March 27th, can provide the energy to be the catalyst to jolt a relationship into reality with a purposeful decision being made, even though plans may not eventuate until later in the year around July or August. There is very much an essence of fate around your love life this year, if it is meant to be there is nothing you can do to stop love from capturing your heart. It can sneak up on you and all of a sudden your life can be different from what it has ever been. Setting up home so you have comfortable surroundings for you and your family will also be high priority this year. You will be conscious of developing healthy bonds with family members and adhere to a schedule of regular contact to stay closely connected with those you love. Friends can suddenly leave your life, for no other reason than you are travelling on different journeys as you seek where you fit within the big picture of life. The first half of the year can present situations you feel impatient about. The second half sees you more relaxed and satisfied as you have a vision of where your life is heading, and although there are compromises to make, you will feel what you give is well worth what you receive in return.
3. Career, money, purpose: It is no longer an option for you to go through the paces at work. Over this very important phase with transformational planet Pluto in your solar tenth House of work and purpose right through to the end of 2024, you will strive to make a positive and substantial contribution to the world through your career and business dealings. You now need your career to be more meaningful and to achieve this, some of you will change your career, and others will put more focus on aligning your work with your overall goal of excelling at what you do. Your ambition will be heightened over this period; however, be careful you aren’t too impulsive about changing your path, as a rash move can cause setbacks. It is advisable to think through all the pros and cons of a new endeavor to ensure it is what you truly want to do on a long-term basis before you put action to your thoughts. Ethics and the way you morally handle your business also come into play and at all times it will be best to take the high road, regardless of the actions of others. At the end of December 2012 a fortunate transit occurred with your professional life that can provide a financial bonus. The ongoing challenging squares between planet of sudden changes Uranus and power planet Pluto affecting your career life continue through to early 2015, with two direct degree hits this year on May 21st and November first. If you have not made a considerable change to live a life of purpose by November, a fateful event is very likely. Destiny will take matters out of your hands and place you where you should be. This is a transformational year on many levels, which promises to be eventful to say the least.

Speaking First With Anger and Fear Instead of Love

Besides our difficulties getting started this morning (click here if you haven't read my earlier post) Gregory had a few other disconnects today. I parked in the lot of Office Depot and told him to wait in the car and opened the window. I had something waiting for me at the register and knew it would only take a few minutes.

While I was paying, I looked up and saw Gregory waiting for me by the front of the store. He signaled across the registers to let me know he was there. I got upset because he not only didn't stay in the car, but left it open, walked across the parking lot into the store, and waited to find me there. I was terrified that the situation I thought in hand was not under control at all. I was overwhelmed by all of the things that could have happened go him.

Maybe I should have just been grateful that he was there and I saw him waiting but like the parent who spanks her child for playing in the street and almost getting hit by a car instead of hugging him and telling him you are so happy he is safe and well, I got angry and balled him out.

After grocery shopping, we arrived home in the parking garage. There were four heavy shopping bags, two for each of us to take up one flight of stairs to our condo. I took two bags out of the trunk and asked Gregory to get the other two.

He first tried to pick up both by holding one handle from each of the heavy bags. I told him to wait, put my bags down on the ground, and separated the bags still in the trunk hoping it would make how to hold them more obvious for him.

He took one bag and held it to his chest and then didn't know what to do with the other. By now, given the day and the previous disconnects, I knew that it would be easier for me to do the work rather than try to explain or instruct him how to carry two shopping bags by the handles each swinging in a different hand.

I was able to be somewhat kind and not vent my full anger and frustration or worse yet give in to my rage, although my emotions were pumping. After my second trip schlepping the groceries from the parking garage to the condo, I made his coffee, unloaded the groceries, made a cup of coffee for me, and attended to some work waiting for me on my computer. I was, however, somewhat distant and silent, which also sends a message to Gregory.

A short while later, I invited him into the computer room to watch a few TED presentations which are always moving. Afterwards he came back into the computer room and carefully began to apologize for his earlier behavior. I was able to help after asking if he was trying to apologize or was angry with me over my behavior.

I sat him down, took his hand, and said, "I appreciate your apology but I have to apologize to you as well. I know that you did not do anything on purpose today, you did not try to make me angry. We both know that at times your brain plays tricks on you through no fault of your own." At this point he began to cry. I squeezed his and and told him that I loved him.

I continued, speaking very slowly, "What happens in these situations is that I speak first out of anger and fear when I should be speaking out of love. I am working so hard at speaking out of love only but I am not too good at it yet." And I began to cry.

I think Gregory understood what I was trying to say. I reinforced that I love him no matter what, that I am here for him, that nothing that happened today was his fault, and that by now I am over it and not at all angry or frightened anymore. He reaffirmed his love and gratitutde for me.

He felt much better and so did I.

Start Your Engines

We are on the move again. For about two weeks now, Gregory has not been able to smoothly begin his morning routines. As you know, I am not my best in the morning so this has been difficult for me.

From now on, I think we are at the point that I need to "walk" him through the morning activities: take off your sleep clothes, turn on the heat, set up your shaver, shave, clean and put your shaver away, put on your underclothes, put on your sweats, begin your day. By accepting this responsibility (which I really don't want to do and probably resent) I will make his and my life easier. Let me explain the "less than saintly" way I handled it this morning.

This morning when I suggested that it was time to begin the day, he got out of bed and hung around the bed lifting and lowering his sleep shirt with an inquisitive look on his face. "Go in the bathroom and shave," I prompted. I think he wakes up and is disoriented about where he is, who he is, and what he should be doing.

I must have drifted back to sleep, which I sometimes do while he is shaving, because next thing I knew, he came to me for help. He had gotten out of his sleep clothes, had not begun shaving, and was trying to get his sweat shirt on starting with putting his arms into the sleeves from the outside. Can you picture this? I won't bother even trying to describe, just believe me.

I helped him off with the shirt and asked, "Do you NOT know how to begin the day?" Fatal mistake on my part number one, when will I learn? He couldn't answer and became frustrated instead. When will I learn? I think I would do OK if he could say, "No Michael I do not know how to do this today." Then I would help but instead he closes down and I fume. Why was I waiting for an answer and why did I think he would be able to communicate with me?

By now I am just short of raging. But I control myself. So what do I do? Did I mention that I am not good in the morning? I made him get back into his sleep clothes, get back into bed, and we started over from the beginning. I never did say I was perfect! He probably had no idea what I was doing but it kept me under control so it must have been good.

I walked him through the beginning of the morning activities, probably not in the nicest tone of voice, did I say I am not good in the morning?

As we went through each step he behaved as though he knew what he was doing from the beginning leaving me numb and wondering what I had just spent my last half hour doing. For some reason when I trigger the memory he thinks he has always been acting on that memory and for some reason that makes me angrier then having had to help him through it in the first place.

You see I am still normal but he is the new normal and most often I find it hard to live in his crazy world. I use the word crazy loosely if only because Gregory is NOT crazy, but sometimes I think I am when I am trying to operate in his world.

A Guidance System

Emotions are your guidance system, not the cause your problems. Emotions are the response to what is happening in your life. They are an indication of what you are experiencing. Like a thermometer tells you the temperature in a room, your emotions tell you about the state of your life. Therefore, emotions are a good thing that can guide you to making your life what you want it to be.

Usually one hears about guidance systems when referring to airplanes or missiles. With airplanes, the guidance system helps make sure you will safely reach your vacation destination. In shooting a missile, the guidance system helps make sure the missile hits its destination doing the desired damage.

With emotions, the guidance system tells you whether what you are experiencing is making you happy or sad, is right or wrong, is good or bad. So if you are angry or depressed or sad, that is not the problem. That is the measure of your problem. 

To make changes, you must dig deeper than your emotions (or maybe you already have) to find the cause of your anger, your depression, your sadness. It is easy to say, "I am depressed" and to leave it there, being depressed. It is as if labeling the emotion is enough. However, when used as a guidance system, your emotions help you to be armed with a better understanding of the current state of affairs of your life and you can begin to deal with the cause, to correct it if you can. 

As you make these changes, you will feel your emotional barometer change. Most situations can be changed, if not by yourself then with the help of a family member, a friend, or a trained professional. In those situations that cannot be changed, your thinking can be. While it may seem difficult to impossible, one does have that choice and that ability. 

I believe that each one of us is creating for ourselves a life that reflects how we think about things, how we see things, whether we are optimistic or pessimistic. We must remember that our emotions are only the measure your life not the cause. 

If your emotions are telling you that you are happy and that your life is good, keep up the good work. If your emotions are telling you that you are sad, unhappy, lonely, frightened, depressed, etc, then think about how to begin the process of change.

On a day to day basis, you can alter your emotions by how you think about things. If the person in line at the grocery store in front of you is giving the checker a hard time and holding up the line, it is not necessarily about you and your anger at having to wait or your disgust with the woman's rudeness.

Maybe the person can barely afford her groceries, maybe her husband is dying of cancer, maybe she just got a call that her child was in trouble again at school. If you can begin to look at the "maybes," chances are you will not be as angry with this stranger who is holding up the line as you were. Often, a person's problems are invisible, so don't take them for granted.

Even with something as severe as the diagnosis of an incurable disease; a person can change their thinking. He can spend all the time left being depressed, down, and sad or he can make the best of the time left, do those things he has been postponing, make sure he tells those who matter that he loves them, look at those parts of his life for which he should be grateful. He can live life as well as he can, while he can.

While some sayings are trite, like ...  you can change if you want to, it is all in how you think about it, if you change your attitude you can change your life  ...  they are true. Try it, you'll be surprised.

Conditioning

This excerpt is from "Skinny Thinking" a yogic approach to loosing weight. I have paraphrased it here to apply to my own conditioning with regards to living with and loving someone with Alzheimer's. I have also included the original below. Both are great lessons.

• • • • •

Today, make a point to notice when conditioning has been triggered and see if you can sidestep your emotional response. If you are able to do this, miracles can happen! You catch an emotion before it's been created!

When you are criticizing yourself, it's your ego, your conditioning talking--not who you are. Although there may be a sliver of truth in what you're thinking (this is what hooks you), because you are speaking from conditioning, you know that your words can't contain the whole truth. When you criticize, judge, attack, or blame, in that moment, you believe your conditioning. The best relationship you can have to yourself is one of compassion for your own suffering.

Being able to respond with compassion when you are attacking yourself only requires being able to see the truth--that your behavior doesn't reflect who you really are, which is pure love, or Essence. It's just your conditioning talking. If you can be present enough to automatically recognize conditioning when angry with yourself, you won't have time to take it personally.

In other words, if your first reaction is to recognize the conditioning, instead of taking it personally, then there will be no upset. But, if you take it personally and feel upset, then it can be hard to regroup and get back to the truth. 

If you can train yourself to see conditioning, to instantly notice when negativity is present and label it, "That's conditioning showing up," then your noticing will pre-empt our automatic response of taking it personally. 

Your first reaction will be to see the truth before any negative belief has a chance to arise and precipitate messy negative emotions.

http://www.facebook.com/SkinnyThinking

Today, make a point to notice when conditioning has been triggered, either ours or someone else's, and see if you can sidestep your emotional eating response. If you are able to do this, miracles can happen! You catch an emotion before it's been created!

When people are criticizing us, it's just their ego, their conditioning talking--not who they are. Although there may be a sliver of truth in what they're saying (this is what hooks us), because they're speaking from conditioning, we know that their words can't contain the whole truth. When people criticize, judge, attack, or blame, in that moment, they believe their conditioning and they're suffering. The best relationship we can have to them is one of compassion for their suffering.

Being able to respond with compassion when people are attacking us only requires being able to see the truth--that their behavior doesn't reflect who they really are, which is pure love, or Essence. It's just their conditioning talking. If we can be present enough to automatically recognize conditioning when anger is coming at us, we won't have time to take it personally.

In other words, if our first reaction is to recognize the conditioning, instead of taking it personally, then there will be no upset. But, if we take it personally and feel upset, then it can be hard to regroup and get back to the truth. If we can train ourselves to see conditioning, to instantly notice when negativity is present and label it, "That's conditioning showing up," then our noticing will pre-empt our automatic response of taking it personally. Our first reaction will be to see the truth before any negative belief has a chance to arise and precipitate messy negative emotions.

Whether conditioning is coming at us from the inside or the outside, we can approach it the same way. If we notice it right away, label it as conditioning and don't buy into it, we can sidestep both the emotion and our emotional eating response altogether.

A Reply to the Reply

B,

Hi. Thanks for the speedy reply. I am not really depressed or anxious so at least for now do not feel the need for drugs, although not opposed. I do get down time, have a wonderful therapist that I spend time with every week, and have many supportive friends in the area. I am sleeping well, Gregory is not wandering or violent or angry and knows me and our home and our family and friends (even though he might not be able to call them by name.) He is happy and contented and often tells me so.

The problem is trying to keep some sense of normalcy around here when I never know how he will respond or what he will remember or how much he will understand. For example, I can lay out his clothes, no problem, but then he gets more out of the closet, doesn't know how to put them on, or forgets some combination of them. Even when he comes to me for help, short of sitting him down "old people's home style" and dressing him, he cannot follow simple directions, or pointing, or demonstrating. So helping is NO help. That is really what frustrates me. 

Also, I am learning to follow that he does not always mean what he says, like when I ask "Are your pockets filled?" (wallet, keys, etc) and he says NO but they are. Or I'll tell him to go to the bathroom right before we are leaving and he will say OK but if I don't see him do it, chances are he doesn't and then as we are walking out the door he'll say, "Oh I need to go to the bathroom." 

Honestly don't know what I would do with a companion here 6 days a week. Maybe if we had a larger place, they could be getting dressed while I was in my office or whatever. But it is an intimate condo. When the companions are here I will make a play date with friends, or go shopping, or just be somewhere by myself and work on my poetry at the local Starbucks, or go out to lunch, or go on an adventure. I have a massage once or twice a month. A few times when the weather was still nice, G and the companion would go out and I would stay home by myself which was nice. 

It is the day to day that seems to make me nuts. Like asking him to fill the water pitcher before dinner and sometimes he can do it and other times he cannot. If I try to help, that only complicates and confuses him further so I just hold back and let him struggle, which is very difficult for me and him. I often tell him, "It is a question of feel bad now or feel bad later." 

Instead of accepting it gracefully and calmly I find anger and "hate" in my heart and I know it shows in my voice and gestures. Sometimes he will say something which uses the best words he can get out but it will be insulting or demeaning. I still react to the words used instead of the hidden intent. Even though I am becomming more and more aware of the fact that he can use any words is a blessing and I don't always reinterpret or translate them into a positive, understanding statement before my emotions kick in and I get angry with him and have hurt feelings.

In summary, what is really getting to me is that in the day to day functioning of our (my) live, NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS!

P.S. I am using these correspondences on my blog because I feel they are valuable to my readers. Names are changed to protect the innocent:-)

Fondly,

Michael

P.P.S.S. We are going to Battle Creed to visit G's family this weekend. I'll send them your love.

When is Helping Not Helpful?

I still help too much. It is my nature to help. It is my nature to nurture. When confronted by a situation in which someone needs help, I will walk in and do my best to help. I will be sensitive, respectful, and take context as well as gestural cues to moderate and if necessary remove my helpfulness.

For example, walking down the street, woman in front stumbles and falls, purse empties. I will go into immediate action to make sure she is OK while at the same time making sure the content of her purse do not go too far astray. I will offer my handkerchief if her nose is bleeding or her hand got scrapped.

I will not only give physical comfort but also try to make sure she is not too embarrassed. After all accidents are accidental but we still seem to get embarrassed at our behavior. Sometimes people do not want help in situations like this and one must respect that. So after inquiring, I back off.

If someone looks like they are having a hard time, perhaps while sitting on a park bench, I will inquire about their needing help. Shall I sit with you? Shall I call someone? Can I help you home?

When we lived on Roscoe, Mary lived in one of the apartments. She was in her 80's, indigent, as close to being a homeless person as one can get while still having a home. She lived with her adult daughter who was developmentally disabled and prone to alcoholism and violence.

I would always say hi to Mary, who spent a lot of time sitting on the front stoop. Sometimes we would sit and talk. Once she had just returned from a neighborhood church that had free lunch and bingo on Wednesdays. She had won a flowered cup saucer as a prize and offered it to me. I thanked her but figured she could use it more than I, I now wish I had taken it as a memento, maybe that would have made her feel good.

One day, when I was leaving for work, I spotted Mary sitting on the stairs of the back porch. She looked very pale if not white. I sat down next to her and we were silent together for a while. "Are you OK."

"Yes, just a little tired."

"Are you sure. Can I help you?"

"No. Thanks. I'll be OK after I sit here a while." I left for work.

Mary died later that day. At least I was able to offer some comfort, if not unspoken love.

Even in very difficult situations, I am able to be strong and helpful. Once while living in New York City, my upstairs neighbor fell down the stairs from her second floor landing. She ended up on my landing with her face caught between the open door and the wall. I heard the crash and went running.

When I saw what had happened I called to Robert, my then lover, bring a blanket! I know you are not supposed to move a person but I did after assessing that she would possibly choke on her blood in this upside down, wounded position. I talked calmly all the time, inquiring about her pain, making sure my moving her wasn't complicating something like a broken neck, wrapped her in a blanket and held her in my arms murmuring comforting sounds while Robert called an ambulance.

We saw her off in the ambulance and waited for an hour until her husband got home (a little drunk on payday) and took him to the hospital. Afterwards I went into a little shock myself, but was OK in a short while. t is my nature to help. It is my nature to nurture. When confronted by a situation in which someone needs help, I will walk in and do my best to help. Interestingly enough, from that day on, the neighbor woman never spoke to me. If she saw me coming she would cross the street. Too embarrassed? Indebted? Never will know.

So all this "about me" and how good I am, is not to brag but brings me to my current topic. I help Gregory too much. If only I could wait and not rush in to help him, to lessen his frustration, to ameliorate his pain. For example, this morning he was getting dressed, I was at my computer, and he comes out of the closet carrying two shirts. One of them is mine. Often he forgets which side of the closet is his.

So I gently say, pointing, "That shirt is mine," trying to anticipate his actions.

To which he replies, "I know."

"Then why are you carrying it?"

"It was just there."

I might mention that he has problems getting dressed. Often he doesn't know the names of underpants or undershirt let alone which is the front. Once in a while he will forget he has one or the other on already and ends up wearing two or three undershirts or underpants.

When he comes out of the closet nude, not sure of what to do, I say, "You need to put on your underpants and an undershirt." Often I just say, "Underpants!" More often, I get up and point in the drawer where they are stored.

Even when I lay out his clothes, he doesn't always see them, or gets fixated on one or the other, or is thinking, "I need a shirt" so he goes back into the closet looking for a shirt, with the one I laid out still sitting on the bed, and can't find a shirt while looking through the area where the pants are hung.

So when I see him going off in these erroneous directions, I jump in with a suggestion for the correct action or behavior. This often serves to confuse him and then with his lack of active and/or passive language, i.e. speaking and/or understanding, we are not able to solve or explain the situation. Intermittently, my advanced comments do help, which serves to frustrate me more.

I get frustrated, he gets more confused. I get angry, he goes quiet. Sometimes, if I am tired, I get rude and very infrequently I "rage." My teacher self feels the failure. I want to disappear and my guilt sets in. One thing in my favor is that I am able to apologize pretty quickly.

So I berate myself with, "When am I going to learn. Why do I always jump in too soon. Why can't I just wait until he does wrong and then help. No babies are dying here so why not just chill and wait it out?" But I am helpful. That is my nature. Maybe next time I will be able to hold back and follow my new self instructions. I'll let you know if I get there!

Post Script (Disclaimer: Sometimes my assistance has to be very basic.)

In the middle of proof reading this post, Gregory was sitting on the "pot" making pain type noises. I asked, "Are you OK?"

He replied, "No. I think you might need to poke my butt." This is his way of saying that either his hemorrhoids are acting up or his anus area is irritated and sore because he is not always methodical in cleaning himself after a bowel movement. I check it out and if necessary begin a regime of putting cream on the affected area. I don't mind doing these personal things but try not to worry too much about the day when he becomes incontinent.

On checking this time, he had totally forgotten to wipe. So I cleaned him up and put on the cream. Then I had him sit on the toilet and asked him to kick off his shoes. He knew how to do it (this time.) Then I had to help him take off his jeans because he got confused. I also took off his underpants and showed him the mess, saying, "Looks like to forgot to wipe altogether." ME: Neutral, non-judgemental voice, he didn't feel too bad. HIM: "I can't imagine."

While I was away getting a clean pair of underpants, he decided to wipe. But he was wiping a clean ass on which I had applied healing cream, so I had to do it again. Because he already had on his sox, he didn't know how to put on a fresh pair of underpants. The order was wrong. I assisted. He was able to get his jeans and shoes back on. He thanked me, apologized for my having to do that. I assured him, "No problem. Happy to help"

So you see, sometimes it is obvious when and how to help. Other times it is not. Do you blame me (even though I blame myself) for getting confused, frustrated, angry, guilty, etc.

Rocks & Hard Places II

The companion is here with Gregory. I am running errands and still need kitty litter so even though I am cutting my timing close I run to Jewel. I call to tell the companion, "Go ahead and catch your train, I'll follow by three or four minutes. Make sure Gregory knows I am on my way home."

I meet the companion in the lobby where he tells me the TV controller was dropped into the sleeper sofa. They found it by opening the sofa but when closing it the cat's head was caught. He doesn't think the cat was hurt. And he really feels bad.

Without thinking I say, "That was really stupid." Picturing the cat's head after a meeting with the heavy sofa bed and its metal structures and slicing hinges. He apologizes and I am not real gracious with my, "What's done is done. We'll talk."

I get up to the condo and everything seems calm. Both cats are on the bed wrestling as usual. I pet them while checking for any cuts, lacerations, breaks, and/or bruises. Gregory knows nothing about the incident, even though he was there. He finally says, "Maybe a little something happened."

I take the grocery cart back to the lobby after telling Gregory, "You are hopeless." On the way to the elevator I chant, "I am not my emotions, I am not my emotions."

I call the companion who is now on the train and tell him the cats are fine. Not to worry. I remind him that I earlier in our relationship I had said, "You will know when I am angry, meanwhile you do not need to apologize for things."

Then I say, "Now you know how I sound when I am angry." He apologizes. "But it is over, all is forgiven. Sorry I was so rough on you. Don't worry. Be done. The cats are fine." I know he isn't as he apologizes again.

To try to be lighter I say, "Now besides being responsible for Gregory's life and safety you have two cats to look after." He apologizes again.

I get back to the condo and Gregory apologizes. I try to talk about my emotions ... but to no avail. I try to tell Gregory what I went through ... but to no avail. I try to explain how frustrating it is that he didn't even remember what had happened ... but to no avail.

I know that my best advice to myself is, "Say nothing. Explain nothing. Do nothing." But what am I supposed to do with MY emotions? My anger? My frustration? No one to talk to. No one to explain to. No one to witness.

Never sure how much Gregory understands of what I am saying. Gregory experiences my emotions but we are not able to process the event together nor explain them away. Never any closure.

Now I have two upset people (not counting myself) on my hands and am not able to do anything about it, or the sick feeling in my gut, or the one in my heart. Talk about a ROCK and a HARD PLACE.

The incident is over, everything turned out OK, and over time I put aside my unresolved feelings. There is another expression: Whether the rock hits the pitcher, or the pitcher hits the rock ... the pitcher suffers. Gregory, the companion, and I are the pitchers. Alzheimer's is the rock.

 

Meditation

Session five.

Spent more time today on emotions, session intention, and heartfelt life desires. I won't be able to be too articulate about this session because I WAS GONE. For the full 40 or so minutes. I was able to reach a deeply meditative state away from day to day activities which often are hassles especially at this holiday season. Was able to get away from Gregory as a main focus and spend some quality time with myself. All kinds of little awarenesses came and went but none dominated or distracted my relaxed meditative state. It felt good.

My intention was to be better able to take care of myself in whatever ways are necessary. "I take care of myself."

My heartfelt desire was HAPPINESS. "I am happy."

Interestingly enough I did spend a little time thinking about those activities which I would usually attribute to my responsibilities and immense love for Gregory. I realized that those very "requests," summarized by the term HAPPINESS, all had to do with me! For example being supportive of Gregory in a loving, even, patient way provide me with peace of mind and therefore happiness. So Gregory definitely benefits, but those actions add to my feeling of happiness.

I visited my "internal resource," which I have mentioned previously. It is deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers, and just across a path my tiny house just big enough for one. Today I added a rustic bench to the garden. About a block away at the edge of the forest is the ocean with the waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden. Corinne suggested we give our "internal resource" a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I called it, "Peace."

We revisited the ability to "Welcome" emotions, to recognize "Emotional Fusing" and to be able to de-fuse. Welcoming means that as human beings we WILL experience emotions, some good some disturbing. By recognizing that fluxuation of the emotions one can invite the disturbing ones in, wonder about them, deal with them, "ask them" that they are seeking from you, and finally ask them out.

Fusing deals with the occasions in which the emotions totally take you over, like being so angry you "see red" or you "rage" or can't stop crying. By realizing that you are fused with the difficult emotion, you can accept it but then begin to release and back away and defuse from it. We all get "fused" periodically, but better to be aware of the "fusion" than to be lost or trapped in it without awareness.