Speaking First With Anger and Fear Instead of Love

Besides our difficulties getting started this morning (click here if you haven't read my earlier post) Gregory had a few other disconnects today. I parked in the lot of Office Depot and told him to wait in the car and opened the window. I had something waiting for me at the register and knew it would only take a few minutes.

While I was paying, I looked up and saw Gregory waiting for me by the front of the store. He signaled across the registers to let me know he was there. I got upset because he not only didn't stay in the car, but left it open, walked across the parking lot into the store, and waited to find me there. I was terrified that the situation I thought in hand was not under control at all. I was overwhelmed by all of the things that could have happened go him.

Maybe I should have just been grateful that he was there and I saw him waiting but like the parent who spanks her child for playing in the street and almost getting hit by a car instead of hugging him and telling him you are so happy he is safe and well, I got angry and balled him out.

After grocery shopping, we arrived home in the parking garage. There were four heavy shopping bags, two for each of us to take up one flight of stairs to our condo. I took two bags out of the trunk and asked Gregory to get the other two.

He first tried to pick up both by holding one handle from each of the heavy bags. I told him to wait, put my bags down on the ground, and separated the bags still in the trunk hoping it would make how to hold them more obvious for him.

He took one bag and held it to his chest and then didn't know what to do with the other. By now, given the day and the previous disconnects, I knew that it would be easier for me to do the work rather than try to explain or instruct him how to carry two shopping bags by the handles each swinging in a different hand.

I was able to be somewhat kind and not vent my full anger and frustration or worse yet give in to my rage, although my emotions were pumping. After my second trip schlepping the groceries from the parking garage to the condo, I made his coffee, unloaded the groceries, made a cup of coffee for me, and attended to some work waiting for me on my computer. I was, however, somewhat distant and silent, which also sends a message to Gregory.

A short while later, I invited him into the computer room to watch a few TED presentations which are always moving. Afterwards he came back into the computer room and carefully began to apologize for his earlier behavior. I was able to help after asking if he was trying to apologize or was angry with me over my behavior.

I sat him down, took his hand, and said, "I appreciate your apology but I have to apologize to you as well. I know that you did not do anything on purpose today, you did not try to make me angry. We both know that at times your brain plays tricks on you through no fault of your own." At this point he began to cry. I squeezed his and and told him that I loved him.

I continued, speaking very slowly, "What happens in these situations is that I speak first out of anger and fear when I should be speaking out of love. I am working so hard at speaking out of love only but I am not too good at it yet." And I began to cry.

I think Gregory understood what I was trying to say. I reinforced that I love him no matter what, that I am here for him, that nothing that happened today was his fault, and that by now I am over it and not at all angry or frightened anymore. He reaffirmed his love and gratitutde for me.

He felt much better and so did I.