June 17, 2013
Aries (3/21-4/19)
No one -- not even you -- can be selfless and generous all the time! It's okay to mix a few selfish acts in with your good deeds today. Don't do anything too egomaniacal -- just put yourself first a few times when you usually wouldn't. This isn't an excuse to forget your manners -- you should still hold the door for old ladies, and say 'please' and 'thank you' -- but it is a reminder that you need to treat yourself like the star you are a little bit more often.
• • • • •
While it is hard to say this horoscope is meant for me alone (how many people in the world were born between March 21 and April 19?) it does apply.
Last night I cried myself to sleep wondering how I look to the rest of the world. Strong? Together? Even? Supportive? Loving? Giving? While recognizing those adjectives as part of who I am, I was not feeling them. I was sad, lonely, and feeling devastated as I walk along with Gregory and his Alzheimer's - every morning, every day, every night.
No one really to turn to in the hopes of making "it" go away. The Alzheimer's? The feelings? The tears? Last night, I just needed to cry, to howl. I needed someone with whom could cry but not someone who would try to comfort me for there is no comforting in dealing with this INSIDIOUS disease.
In some ways, even with loving family and friends, there is no one there for me since the only one who truly matters is Gregory, my life and soul mate of 35+ years, and he is less and less available. To himself? To me?
He seems content, happy, loved. He bumbles along day to day in a good mood, laughing at his inabilities. When I am at my grumpiest, he forgives me or lets me know that my role on the path is a difficult one. He appreciates me, he loves me.
So last night through my tears I heard a voice in my head say, "Tomorrow you die." No not death, but another part of my life gone as I re-evaluate Gregory's needs and try to accommodate them. Accommodate them not in what I consider my recently, once again gruff, impatient, angry way but only with patience and love.
Instead of treating him like an invalid, which I have been avoiding although sometimes without the use of language that is all that is left, I will be there to assist him for what might be or feel like 24/7.
For example when I tell him at bedtime that it is time to brush his teeth, I usually go about the own business of closing up the house and getting the cats and myself ready for bed. Now I will wait to help him find his toothbrush (if he can't this time) and put the toothpaste on the toothbrush (if he can't this time) and run just a little water on the toothbrush to wet it (if he can't this time) and then make sure he knows how to get it into his mouth to begin brushing (if he can't this time) and when he is completely, and successfully brushing his teeth, I'll look back to my own needs.
And so tomorrow I die.
This process is the same for almost every life skill that Gregory attempts. Recently, at bedtime, he had on his shorts but not T-shirt (which I always put in the bathroom and announce, "Your night clothes are in the bathroom.") Having come into the bedroom without his T-shirt, he no longer knew where it was or even that he needed the shirt ... just that something is wrong.
Another time, when he was getting his night shorts and shirt on, I come back into the room to find him with his feet through the arm holes of his T-shirt trying to pull the body of the shirt up around his bottom.
After my having taken the time to get his "stuff" and putting it in the bathroom for him and letting him know where the "stuff" is, you can see why I get a little frustrated (angry?) that even with all my help, it isn't working! And not only the anger but also the fear and worry about what the future will bring (although I try so hard not to worry about the future since I really cannot control it.) "Don't worry about those things you can control and don't worry about those things you cannot!" A Buddhist saying.
Having to do EVERYTHING for us, you can see how easily it is to fall into the frustrated, angry, gruff, impatient, fearful mode.
With Ken, Gregory's companion living with us since April, my life has been a bit easier. But Ken will be leaving at the end of June to go back to Japan and then return to Vanderbilt University to begin his Master's Degree. So last night, I was also grieving not only Gregory but also our loss when we send Ken on his way. We have come to love that man with his gentle, loving, respectful, helpful ways!
So tomorrow I die but know that somehow I will survive. In last night's grief then, I realized that the next step has to be follow through, follow through, follow through. Not on Gregory's part because he is no longer able, but on mine.
When I hand him his vitamins and medications I will wait there until he knows how to begin taking them. When I tell him to "fill your pockets" with wallet, keys etc, I will wait there until he begins doing so (and I will double check after while that he got everything he needed.) I will no longer ask him to wait in the car when I have to run into the drug store for a quick purchase, I will have him come with me. Recently he got out of the car and came into the store looking for me.
These activities and follow throughs will be difficult for me and I will have to learn how to attend with patience and love but they are a necessary next step. And like other "next steps" once I have mastered the step, I feel better able to cope, am less angry, less frustrated.
The additional energy I have to spend in support of Gregory's daily needs is made up for by the less emotional energy I have to spend on anger, frustration, fear, guilt, etc etc etc. So tomorrow I die, but I am also reborn and continue on the path.
From the New York Daily News, January 1, 2013:
Last night I cried myself to sleep wondering how I look to the rest of the world. Strong? Together? Even? Supportive? Loving? Giving? While recognizing those adjectives as part of who I am, I was not feeling them. I was sad, lonely, and feeling devastated as I walk along with Gregory and his Alzheimer's - every morning, every day, every night.
I don’t expect you to comprehend this life we’ve been forced to lead; however, I do expect and need your understanding. I want to be treated as normally as possible with the knowledge that my life has been turned upside down. The love of my life is dying before my very eyes. Each day he dies a little more. I’m in a continuous state of grief. It is like having a funeral every day of my life. I try to spare you my pain, but it’s there. If our lifestyle appears to be the same to you, I’m doing a good job of camouflage. I do what I do for Gregory, for myself, and for you.
Michael Horvich (2006)
No one really to turn to in the hopes of making "it" go away. The Alzheimer's? The feelings? The tears? Last night, I just needed to cry, to howl. I needed someone with whom could cry but not someone who would try to comfort me for there is no comforting in dealing with this INSIDIOUS disease.
In some ways, even with loving family and friends, there is no one there for me since the only one who truly matters is Gregory, my life and soul mate of 35+ years, and he is less and less available. To himself? To me?
He seems content, happy, loved. He bumbles along day to day in a good mood, laughing at his inabilities. When I am at my grumpiest, he forgives me or lets me know that my role on the path is a difficult one. He appreciates me, he loves me.
So last night through my tears I heard a voice in my head say, "Tomorrow you die." No not death, but another part of my life gone as I re-evaluate Gregory's needs and try to accommodate them. Accommodate them not in what I consider my recently, once again gruff, impatient, angry way but only with patience and love.
Instead of treating him like an invalid, which I have been avoiding although sometimes without the use of language that is all that is left, I will be there to assist him for what might be or feel like 24/7.
For example when I tell him at bedtime that it is time to brush his teeth, I usually go about the own business of closing up the house and getting the cats and myself ready for bed. Now I will wait to help him find his toothbrush (if he can't this time) and put the toothpaste on the toothbrush (if he can't this time) and run just a little water on the toothbrush to wet it (if he can't this time) and then make sure he knows how to get it into his mouth to begin brushing (if he can't this time) and when he is completely, and successfully brushing his teeth, I'll look back to my own needs.
And so tomorrow I die.
This process is the same for almost every life skill that Gregory attempts. Recently, at bedtime, he had on his shorts but not T-shirt (which I always put in the bathroom and announce, "Your night clothes are in the bathroom.") Having come into the bedroom without his T-shirt, he no longer knew where it was or even that he needed the shirt ... just that something is wrong.
Another time, when he was getting his night shorts and shirt on, I come back into the room to find him with his feet through the arm holes of his T-shirt trying to pull the body of the shirt up around his bottom.
After my having taken the time to get his "stuff" and putting it in the bathroom for him and letting him know where the "stuff" is, you can see why I get a little frustrated (angry?) that even with all my help, it isn't working! And not only the anger but also the fear and worry about what the future will bring (although I try so hard not to worry about the future since I really cannot control it.) "Don't worry about those things you can control and don't worry about those things you cannot!" A Buddhist saying.
Having to do EVERYTHING for us, you can see how easily it is to fall into the frustrated, angry, gruff, impatient, fearful mode.
With Ken, Gregory's companion living with us since April, my life has been a bit easier. But Ken will be leaving at the end of June to go back to Japan and then return to Vanderbilt University to begin his Master's Degree. So last night, I was also grieving not only Gregory but also our loss when we send Ken on his way. We have come to love that man with his gentle, loving, respectful, helpful ways!
So tomorrow I die but know that somehow I will survive. In last night's grief then, I realized that the next step has to be follow through, follow through, follow through. Not on Gregory's part because he is no longer able, but on mine.
When I hand him his vitamins and medications I will wait there until he knows how to begin taking them. When I tell him to "fill your pockets" with wallet, keys etc, I will wait there until he begins doing so (and I will double check after while that he got everything he needed.) I will no longer ask him to wait in the car when I have to run into the drug store for a quick purchase, I will have him come with me. Recently he got out of the car and came into the store looking for me.
These activities and follow throughs will be difficult for me and I will have to learn how to attend with patience and love but they are a necessary next step. And like other "next steps" once I have mastered the step, I feel better able to cope, am less angry, less frustrated.
The additional energy I have to spend in support of Gregory's daily needs is made up for by the less emotional energy I have to spend on anger, frustration, fear, guilt, etc etc etc. So tomorrow I die, but I am also reborn and continue on the path.
• • • • •
From the New York Daily News, January 1, 2013:
- Year ahead: This is a year of personal transformation, and a time when you will feel compelled to review, reassess and restructure your life on many levels. At some stage you can feel cut off from the support you have become used to having and forced to be more self-sufficient, particularly on a monetary level. The role other people play in your life will be highlighted with you realizing their contribution to your life and you in theirs. Your home life takes on a greater level of importance, and you will desire to settle down on a more permanent basis and have more stability and security in your life. Personal growth: Over this year, your world view will continue to expand with you letting go of prejudices you once had and replace them with a broader more accepting view of yourself as well as those you come in contact with. Romantic month: Jupiter the planet of expansion enters your solar fourth House of home and family on June 26th, and stays there until July 2014, a period where you can make favorable changes in your personal life. Power month: March, a positive change in your career can move forward and a personal situation gains momentum to move to the next phase. Your annual new Moon is April tenth, which is the commencement of your next solar cycle. Angel advice: The structure of your life, as well as your values and beliefs, will be challenged this year. As you question the meaning of life and how purposeful your life is, it is important to be open to change and see any forced or unexpected changes in your life as the universe’s way of steering you back on the path you are destined to walk.
- Love, family, friendship: With Jupiter shining its beneficial rays on your personal life from midyear, your focus will be on family and your home environment. The full Moon three months beforehand on March 27th, can provide the energy to be the catalyst to jolt a relationship into reality with a purposeful decision being made, even though plans may not eventuate until later in the year around July or August. There is very much an essence of fate around your love life this year, if it is meant to be there is nothing you can do to stop love from capturing your heart. It can sneak up on you and all of a sudden your life can be different from what it has ever been. Setting up home so you have comfortable surroundings for you and your family will also be high priority this year. You will be conscious of developing healthy bonds with family members and adhere to a schedule of regular contact to stay closely connected with those you love. Friends can suddenly leave your life, for no other reason than you are travelling on different journeys as you seek where you fit within the big picture of life. The first half of the year can present situations you feel impatient about. The second half sees you more relaxed and satisfied as you have a vision of where your life is heading, and although there are compromises to make, you will feel what you give is well worth what you receive in return.
- Career, money, purpose: It is no longer an option for you to go through the paces at work. Over this very important phase with transformational planet Pluto in your solar tenth House of work and purpose right through to the end of 2024, you will strive to make a positive and substantial contribution to the world through your career and business dealings. You now need your career to be more meaningful and to achieve this, some of you will change your career, and others will put more focus on aligning your work with your overall goal of excelling at what you do. Your ambition will be heightened over this period; however, be careful you aren’t too impulsive about changing your path, as a rash move can cause setbacks. It is advisable to think through all the pros and cons of a new endeavor to ensure it is what you truly want to do on a long-term basis before you put action to your thoughts. Ethics and the way you morally handle your business also come into play and at all times it will be best to take the high road, regardless of the actions of others. At the end of December 2012 a fortunate transit occurred with your professional life that can provide a financial bonus. The ongoing challenging squares between planet of sudden changes Uranus and power planet Pluto affecting your career life continue through to early 2015, with two direct degree hits this year on May 21st and November first. If you have not made a considerable change to live a life of purpose by November, a fateful event is very likely. Destiny will take matters out of your hands and place you where you should be. This is a transformational year on many levels, which promises to be eventful to say the least.
My husband Les was diagnosed with Early Stage, Early Onset Alzheimer's at 63 in January 2000. In 2001 we went to Antarctica because it was the only continent he hadn't been to and he really wanted to go there. One of the toughest moments on that trip was when we were enroute from Miami to Buenos Aires. In the middle of the night he needed to go to the bathroom and when he was walking back to the seat he wanted to get off the plane! I tried to explain we were over water and he couldn't get off but he didn't understand so I just led him to his seat and said "Sit Down and Stay Here". In our 46 years of marriage I had never given a command to my husband and I never did again in the total of 12 years of Alzheimer's but it was the only thing I could think of doing to protect him. With other Alzheimer's caregivers I believe very strongly in the right of the person with the disease to have as much freedom and dignity as possible. This all came back to me yesterday because my son told me about being on a flight where he saw a man who appeared to have dementia "taking over" the galley from the stewardess in a plane. She was unable to get him out but then two female family members finally got him to go back to his seat. One of the greatest challenges of caregiving is coping with our loved ones when they are in public and their behavior becomes unacceptable to a given situation. Some caregivers stop taking their loved ones out when that happens, but I think it's worth keeping going as long as possible. I strongly believe that continued activity, whether routine or occasionally new and different, can keep a person with Alzheimer's functioning well. In fact I believe that non-pharmalogical activity is as important as medication. The important thing for caregivers is to "Keep on Keeping on." One Day at a Time BHD
ReplyDelete