The Michigan Maires

I spent the weekend in Battle Creek, Michigan visiting Gregory's family. On Saturday night his sister-in law hosted a dinner in his memory with Gregory's brother Mark, Niece and Great Niece Renee and Lily, Nephew and Niece-in-law Mark and Colleen, friends Jack and Donna and Sue. Dinner was delicious. Loving stories and memories shared. Tears dried. Laughter abounded.

Flowers in memory of Gregory from friend Shannon

Diane's beautifully set table

Delicious dinner of pot roast, mixed vegetables, potatoes au gratin; Sue's Caprese salad; and Donna's dinner rolls

Wonderful Apple Crisp by Colleen

How It Is Now

The key in the door turns
The memories are silent
Hiding least they evoke
Difficult memories.

Over the threshold one steps
Into the waiting abyss
The house filled to overflowing
With every last encounter.

Into the front hall closet
Onto the waiting hanger
You place your jacket gingerly
With others no longer owned.

Walking past the lonely bedroom
Into the front of the condo
Shelved and collected and scattered
With mementos, memorabilia, reminders.

Two grocery bags filled
With individual items
Then emptied into the cabinets
And refrigerator ... for one.

Dinner from the microwave
Emptied on a tray and taken
Into the TV room TV table
For flickering eating friendships.

The cats, two of them purring
Bringing life and joy to you
Without expectations to be filled
Joy on the shoulders of sorrow.

Then bedtime with the wrinkled sheets
Only your scent and your pillows
And the memories no longer silent
Keeping the night long and loving.

Clear as Day

I made a peach pie and when I showed it to Gregory he replied (with excitement,) "Wonderful." Clear as day!

I told him that it was close to dinner so he could have some afterwards. "NOW," came his demand. Clear as day!

As I forked a piece of pie into his mouth, he closed his eyes and savored it! Clear as day!

After several mouthfuls I asked if we could save the rest for later, "OK." Clear as day.

His delicious dinner (I know because I tasted everything) dinner consisted of brisket, oven fried new potatoes, mixed vegetables, and devil's food cake with a cup of coffee.

After dinner we went back to the room to visit for a while. Finally it was time for me to leave so I went through my usual "exit procedure."

"I think I'll leave now (I don't say go home, I say leave) and I'll see you tomorrow. OK?" I wait for my statement to register and for him to acknowledge.

Sometimes he is light about my leaving and replies "OK." Other times he gets sad or needs to tell me about something (which he usually is unable to do,) so I stay a little longer and then go through the "exit procedure" again.

Yesterday, CLEAR AS DAY, he said "OK, I love you so much!" Clear as day.

I gave him a big hug and kiss saying, "I love you so much more (more being a play on words we always used to do.)

He came back with, "More please." So we hugged more, more and more.

Little events like this make my world large!

Dinner Conversation

I told M, "Gregory and I like you!" And we do. She calls us her 'family,' and easily calls us  'darling' when talking to us.

"Why?" wondered M.

"Because you are a very nice person," I replied

"Well I should think so. A distant cousin said she didn't like me. Well I told her that was her loss because I am very likable. Once a woman I knew asked me if I was stupid. I told her 'Well not yet certainly, perhaps some day, but not yet.' So thank you for asking. And thank the chair as well while you are at it!"

At this point in the conversation Gregory let out a large, noisy sneeze scaring M.

"Next time," she told him angrily, "take that out to the barn!" Then she got the giggles as did Gregory and I.

B entered the conversation here with, "That was a very interesting conversation. Did you drive here tonight?" Lying, I told her that I had not, that I had walked over ... The Sabbath, you know! "Oh right," she said, "the problem is that my children are at the hotel and I need to get back there. I am not sure into which hotel they checked me."

I explained that she was checked in here already for after dinner. "But I do not know where they are right now." I explained that it didn't matter if she didn't know where they were as long as they knew where she was. This calmed her down and she said, "Well, right you are then."

"Fuck You," came the familiar shout from across the table.

W was in a good mood and ate all of her dinner, but without the usual, non-stop, repetitive  "I don't want it. Do you want it? I don't want it. I want to go to bed. Take me to my room."  Over and over and over again until both B and M would tell her to shut up!

Periodically W would get a mischievous smile on her face and wave at each person at the table. Some of us would acknowledge her wave others didn't notice it. H noticed it and replied by miming from across the table, with both hands, the fondling of her breasts. The next time she waved at him he used his fist to mime rhythmic intercourse.

A little while later, when I offered H a drink, he told me "Fuck You. You are dirty."

I told him "Spy Baba," which means "Be Good Father," in his language. His reply was "Fuck You!"

• • •

I realized that I have easily been able to enter their world and have detailed conversations at the dinner table. Most of Gregory's table mates (with the exception of "FUCK YOU!") have come to trust me, to ask for help with cutting a piece of meat or pouring more juice, or to ask for clarification or support when they are confused or frightened.

I wish I could transcribe even more of the conversations for you and you would see that while they make perfectly good sense, they make no sense! Often they are profound, or funny, or sad, or deep ... even when they make no sense!

This Evening at Lieberman

M: "May I call you Jack."
Me: "Yes you may."
M: "Is that your name?"
Me: "No."
M: "Then what is your name?"
Me: "Michael."
M: "Well I'll call you that then."

Be: (at the dinner table) "I want to go to my room. Will you take me to my room?"
Me: "I can't take you to your room."
Be: "Why? I want to go to my room."
Me: "Because I am not allowed to."
Be: "Why? I want to go to my room."
Me: "Because the boss won't let me."
Be: "Who is the boss? I want to go to my room."
Me: "The man who makes the decisions."
Be: "I want to go to my room. Will You take me to my room?"

H: "Fuck you!"

Ba: Mimicking "I want to go to my room. I want to go to my room. I want to go to my room. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME TO MY ROOM SO I DON'T HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT YOU WANTING TO GO TO YOUR ROOM ANYMORE!"

This Evening at Lieberman

When I arrived, Gregory was already at dinner. When he saw me, without the usual delay in focusing time he loudly said, "Oh, so you did come!" He was very pleased to see me then cried the requisite "Tears of Joy." He was very present, in a good mood, and ate what seemed like a triple portion of spaghetti and meat sauce, green beans, and mandarin oranges for dessert.

Batia, one of Gregory's table mates was complaining to me that the chair (wheel chair) was not cooperating. It was as if someone had "pulled out the bottom and I can't make heads or tails of it." I tried to help her sit further back in the chair but to no avail. I folded up four or five cloth napkin/bibs to make a sort of back support. She cooperatively leaned forward and I placed the "pillow." I asked how that felt and she said it did some good but not enough. I went back to Gregory's room and grabbed one of his extra pillows, brought it into the dining room and placed it behind Batia's back. "Much better," she told me, "Where did you get your training?"

Martha was having trouble using her arthritic hands to maneuver her fork around the long strands of spaghetti. I offered to help and this time she accepted. I cut the strands into smaller pieces, mixed them with the meat sauce, and asked her to try. She was able to scoop up a mouthful and seemed grateful. To distract from the situation and to soften her need for help, I stated, "You know I was a waiter many years ago." "Oh," said Martha, "That makes sense." A bit later when she was eating her oranges, I asked her what her favorite fruit was. She thought for a moment, giggled, and said, "I am so old and tired that I do not have a favorite!"

Haroon was sitting at a table just behind us. I gave him my usual smile, head nod, and a whispered "Hello." "F U C K   Y O U ! ! !" was his usual response. I smiled and said, "Thank you."

Delores Went Home, Martha Joined Us, Batia Loves Gregory, Aaron's Wife Was Upset, and Michael is a Nut

This evening I spend dinner time with Gregory.

Batia, always verbal if not always understandable, really likes Gregory. When he is down she tries to cheer him up, when he smiles she is happy. Today she commented that Gregory is certainly a handsome man!

I wondered why mild mannered Delores was not at her place and to my relieve found out that she had been at Lieberman for a "vacation" while her family traveled. I was relieved that she, herself, had not taken the "long vacation."

Martha, newly at the table, was not too hungry and I encouraged her to eat a little more, which she did. When she was finished she wanted away from the table and is able to "foot push" herself around in her wheelchair. Gregory's chair was in the way so I moved it over a little to allow Martha to get away from the table.

Martha walked her wheel chair over to me to thank me for encouraging her to eat and for helping her get away from the table before it was time for bed. She stroked my arm and smiled warmly. Then she said, "You can give me a kiss now" and she leaned into my face to receive one, which I surprisingly gave. Then she left the dining room. I think Martha was hitting on me!

Aaron's wife was very upset and was berating the staff for taking her money but NEVER taking care of her husband. He had no knife or fork or glass and his food had gotten cold. "Sitting alone in a corner like a dog," was one of her comments.

No judgements, and I understand her upset, but she doesn't visit all that often. Aaron is mean and angry and yells very loudly when people approach to try to help. I have seen staff continue to approach him anyway, try to help him eat, and be friendly even though he threatens to throw things.

The Nurse Supervisor was called and showed up pretty quickly to try to help take care of the situation. Remember: Never try to reason with someone who is angry. Just say "I see, I see." and bide your time.

By now the tenor of our corner of the dining room had turned sour so Gregory, Manny, and I went back to his room to finish his dessert of canned pears (one of his favorites.)

After he was finished eating, I gave him a manicure. He rightfully got angry with me when I accidentally (after being oh so careful) nicked a cuticle and drew blood.) But he did calm down pretty quickly.

I gave Gregory a largish Teddy Bear a week ago. Now and then, I take it by the back of its neck, sit it on the arm of Gregory's wheel chair, and use it like a puppet, talking in a high voice, "I love you Mr. Man. Am I your favorite Teddy Bear? Let me give you a kiss. Smack. Smack. Etc."

Gregory's comment, looking over at Manny and smiling, "He is a nut!" I loved it!

Evening Get Together

When you first get off the elevator at the fifth floor, you enter the main living room area of the memory care unit although it is somewhat more institutional than it is home living room. It is also known as the "Music Area" in which one CD or another is usually playing, classical, Frank Sinatra, etc. A very calming area.

After dinner the other night; Gregory, Manny, and I were joined by Gerrie and her son and son-in-law Howard and Robert as we sat in a circle in the living room. With music playing softly in the background, those of us who could carry on a conversation did and the others enjoyed being part of the group.

I noticed at Ben and Edward were hanging out around the corner listening in on our discussion. I invited them to join us which they silently did. Ben sits in a baby stroller type PVC pipe construction that enables him to walk around the unit. Edward, formerly a doctor, uses a wheel chair and "kick walks" himself around.

So picture this, here is a group of 8 people sitting around in the "living room" after dinner having a friendly conversation. If you can stay in the moment and see through their eyes, a good time was had by all. What a strong sense of community!

Dinner and Conversation

Manny and Greg and Michael had dinner at Lieberman cooked by Alaksh: Butter Chicken and Paneer Korma over rice. Yummmmy.

Manny, Gregory, and Alaksh

Butter Chicken

Paneer Korma

We had dinner on the second floor in a small classroom. It was fun sitting around the table eating together. Gregory enjoyed it very much. His room is too small for such a party and the dining room only allows Kosher food. The only thing were were lacking was a table cloth and a few flowers in a vase. 

Alaksh is planning on cooking again next week. I'll provide the table cloth and flowers and a picture of Gregory's and my moms. Happy Mother's Day it will be.

After dinner we sat in the main space of the fifth floor, the music center, and visited with the four of us, Gerrie and her son and son-in-law and a friend of their's visiting from Florida. Later two male residents (there are not many males) joined the conversation. They didn't add much but had been sitting on the periphery listening so we invited them to join us. 

Dorothy walked by and "blew" us her greetings as she plowed down the hallway, walker to the wind.

Sad part was greeting Marvin (husband) who told us his wife (resident) Betty wasn't doing too well. She was having trouble breathing and couldn't eat any more so they've started Hospice.

Funny (and sad) how the Lieberman Fifth Floor community continues to grow on us.

Joy is in the Air

Yesterday, after visiting Gregory for dinner, I experienced Joy. 

He was responsive, in a good mood, and happy. We spent time together over dinner and then watched his DVD of seasons backed with classical music, very comforting. 

On the way home I stopped to pick up dinner at my new favorite Chinese "hole in the wall" carry out restaurant. It is located on Golf about half way between Gregory and home. 

As I was walking back to the car, carrying my bag of Fried Rice, Shrimp Egg Fu Young, and Mongolian Beef; I sensed something different. 

Was it the feel of Spring in the air? Maybe. Was it the smell of the freshly cooked food in my bag? Maybe. Was it that my back (which has been out since Easter) finally had begun to feel better? Maybe. Was it the good visit with Gregory? Maybe.

Then I realized what I was sensing was Joy. Everything was good and in its place. And I was happy and content. And my feet seemed to be hovering above the pavement on which I was walking and my heart was soaring through the clouds, the blue sky, and the setting sun.

Joy and Sorrow

Reporting on a number of experiences for me this evening at Lieberman.

When I arrived at Lieberman this evening, Gregory was having dinner (with Manny's help.) Greg was alert, smiling, eyes wide open, head sitting much more comfortably on his shoulders (lately he has been having supporting his head.) I was so happy and joyed to see him probably the most together since his seizure. He talked a little, responded to questions, smiled, ate well.

Meanwhile Eddie, who is a table mate of Gregory's, was a little grumbly. I tried to engage him a little and he responded meanly. I reached over and stroked his hand. He calmed down a little. I held his hand through the rest of my time at the table. He held my hand with sincerity, what ever that might look like expressed by a 99 year old man with advanced dementia. He calmed down and seemed to thrive on the touch of another human being.

I found out that "B," the female at the table who told me it was none of my business how many times she and her husband had sex (even thought I never asked) was an actress. We talked about theater a little and she perked up as well. "Now I am retired and that is good." she told me with a smile.

New to the table is "J." Just arrived in the area to be closer to her son "H" (a gay man who was there with his lover "R.") She is beautiful in her old age, sophisticated, kind, and friendly. At the end of the meal she told "H" to make sure he left a nice gratuity for the waitress. I have to admit, it made me feel good to have other gay men with me in that environment.

Turns out that "H" is an interior designer/architect and asked the name of Gregory's firm. I told him a little bit about the kind of work Gregory did and boy did Gregory perk up. Greg said me, "Tell the story," so I continued telling.  I almost cried right there. I have been telling both Gregory and my stories for many years now but since Christmas and his drastic down turn I not only haven't had to tell his stories but had almost forgotten they exist.

There was a wonderful camaraderie among the people sitting at the dinner table this evening, some satient and some less so. At one point I turned to "H" and said, gesturing to myself, "This is all a front. But it feels good."

Later, after Manny had left, Gregory and I were in his room watching TV. Gregory started getting upset in the way that I have identified as his needing to go to the bathroom. I tried to calm him down and asked, "Can I talk to you?" He looked at me. "Since it is so difficult for you to get up on your own, there is nothing for you to do but pee or shit in your pants. You should not feel bad about that. They will clean you up and you'll be fresh as a daisy again.

He grabbed his penis area saying, "Oh no not this again." I stroked his hand and purred "Just let it go. Don't worry about messing yourself. Just let it go." Slowly he calmed down and I could smell the results of our conversation.

I mentioned to the passing aide that Gregory needed to be changed and when might that happen? I have learned not to be too insistent and to not only recognize that they have so many others to attend to but let the aides know that I recognize how much work they have to do and that they cannot do my bidding instantly, no matter how painful it is for me to know Gregory needs to be changed.

While we were waiting for help, the nurse arrived with Gregory's medications. She was impressed that I spoke Spanish. She is from the Philippines and while she doesn't speak Spanish fluently, it is a common language for many Philippinos.

She shared her sadness at what Gregory has been going through at such a young age but assured me that Lieberman is one of the best places she has ever worked at and over the years she has worked in everything from public assistance facilities to high end suburban places. "Lieberman is the best," she said again.

I showed her the photographs of Kai and Paz, our two Philippino/American God Sons. She commented, "What an honor that must be for you to know that people you care for in return love and trust you so."

In ten minutes or so, Gregory's aide and the one I caught in the hall came in ready to help. There was no one else readily available so I said I would help, "You just need to tell me what to do so I won't interfere." I think they appreciated that.

It was at least a three person job to get Gregory from  the wheel chair into bed and not without a shout of what? pain? fear? disorientation? from Gregory. But I knew from past experience that whatever it was, it would be gone and forgotten shortly when G was all dry and clean and in bed ready for bedtime.

So there is Gregory in bed, a male and a female aide helping him and his lover as well. Gregory, nude as a j-bird while the male is cleaning him up with a wet towel. Gregory began to cry. From what embarrassment? Who knows. I leaned over and hugged him and again purred, "No no no. No need to get upset. Everyone here wants to help you get comfortable. Everyone here loves and cares for you. It is not your fault. No need to be upset.

And Gregory did calm down, stopped crying, and just was. Once he was dry and in his sleep shirt, with blanket nicely pulled up around his chest, he was happy and back in the moment. I sang him a lullaby and he closed his eyes and dozed off.

Wish that I could just be in the moment and leave my what? pain? behind!

The Sabbath Dinner

B and E sit at Gregory's dining room table. B, a female in her 70's, seems somewhat alert. E, a male currently 99 years old, very verbal but making little sense. I am M, sitting with Gregory, supporting him as he eats, and engaging our table mates in conversation. 

M: Good Evening B. How are you tonight?

B: Good Evening. I am fine thank you.

M: Hello Eddie.

E: Hi.

M: B I notice you have a lovely voice, accent. Where were you born?

B: England.

M: Lovely

B: Yes and I raised three sons who did fairly well.

M: Nice

B: And I loved my husband. 
     (Sarcastically) Are you going to ask about how many times a week we had sex?"

M: No. I don't think that is my business.

B: Right. So don't ask so many questions.

From across the dining room: (In a deep male voice) Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop

E: (Noticing someone at the table was just served their dinner. With hand extended, loudly) What about me? What about me? What about me?

From the next table: (In a female voice that sounds like Donald Duck inhaling helium) Mama. Mama. Mama. I want my mama.

One of the staff delivering dessert sings: Cookies, cookies, who wants a cookie?

E: (loudly) What about me? What about me? What about me?

From across the dining room in a female voice: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Then: Mama Mama

Then: Whoop

Then: Yaaaaaaa

On her way out of the dining room, H from a few tables over, asks the staff member: Where do I pay for my meal? How much does it cost today?

From across the dining room: I want to go home.

Staff: This is your home, I'll help you find your room.

All this goes quite unnoticed by Gregory as he eats and savors his Friday night, sabbath meal: Brisket, roasted potatoes, cabbage, a light salad, carrot and celery sticks, challah, fruit juice, coffee, and a cookie.

A Letter to Gregory's Last Companion

Ken,

Hope all is going well with your studies, and your assistantship. We are doing as well as can be expected. If you've been reading the BLOG (not expecting such) you will know what's going on. G continues to decline but I am continuing to rise above it in his support. We miss you but honestly do not think of you too often if only because we need to let you move on. You were the first companion and not only that you proved to be a special, loving person, so you will always hold special place in our hearts.

Alaksh has settled in and is doing well with Gregory. He is slowly learning how to interact with Gregory and not to read too much into their interactions as the Alzheimer's (as you know) is so completely unpredictable. One of the many good things about Alaksh that is different than you is that he cooks! And he is good at it. We loved your Ramen adventures but I have included Alaksh's cooking as part of our weekly time. Gregory and he go to Whole Foods, and together (as much as possible) decide what we will have for dinner (I just say "Surprise me!) and Gregory helps (as much as possible) with the cooking. And as you know, since Alaksh does the cooking, I have to clean up. But it is nice to be away and come home to dinner on the table. 

I am about to send my second volume of poetry to the publisher. When it is ready, I'll send you a copy. It is called, "Sit With Me A While Longer." It has at least as many if not a few more poems than the first volume and has lots more "chair" pictures. I am pleased with the results and as you can imagine many of the poems are informed by our journey with the big "A."

We are enjoying the beginning of fall, have mums on the balcony, and have been having the windows open more. Our kitties are now cats, continue to develop separate but interesting personalities and while they are the "demons from hell" at times, we love them and they give a lot back to us with their own kind of love.

Take care, I still have your pillow case and will mail it soon.

Fondly,

Michael (and Gregory)

Ken the Kompanion

Haven't posted for a while. With Ken, Gregory's companion since last May and living with us since Easter, things have been going pretty well. As I have mentioned, both Gregory and I get along well with Ken and he, us.

If you missed them here are two BLOGS about the experience: It's Only Fair and Companion

Ken is easy to live with, allows us our privacy, and keeps his own. We also spend many dinners together and often times will just sit around the living room chatting. Gregory and I have learned a lot about the Japanese culture and Ken has heard a lot about the American as well as Gay cultures.

Ken has met many of our friends, has joined several parties that we have hosted, and has chatted with Roger, Scott, and Richard about their experience in Psychology as Ken will be starting his masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Vanderbilt University in September.

Ken and Gregory make a good team when cleaning up after meals. A few meals into Ken's tenure with us, I smilingly suggested, "You know ... it's ... only ... fair ..." And they both finished with, "that we clean up since you cooked.)

Among other support activities, Ken sets the table, takes out the trash and recycle, helps bring groceries from the car and even helps put them away. Often Ken will pick up a few things at the close by Whole Foods or return books to the library. He brings up the mail and when I need an extra hand fixing something around the condo, his are very able.

Gregory and Ken go swimming at the pool in the building two or three times a week, go for walks, go for haircuts and manicures, and spend time at Starbucks.

Today I am just home from a week in New Orleans. Gregory and Ken spend 24/7 together very successfully and I felt totally at ease with not being home. Periodically I would send them texts with added photos of what I was doing in NOLA. A day or two into my getaway, photos of what they were doing began showing up in their texts to me.

Following is a gallery of photos from Gregory's Great Adventure:

Gregory & Ken at the beach

Gregory out on the pier

At home with a sandwich and 

soup from "Pret-a-Mange"

Gregory in the swimming pool

Gregory at "San Germaine" with

a dinner crepe

Gregory at "San Germaine" with

a dessert crepe

Meal Time

For a while I was worried about preparing dinner time meals for Gregory. Dinners usually consist of a fish/chicken/meat course, one or two vegetables, potato, salad, and sometimes bread. There are condiments and spices, butter, salad dressing, salt & pepper, etc to be added table side. 


I began to notice that Gregory was having trouble figuring out what to do with everything I placed in front of him and it was taking a long time before he could actually begin eating. I would hint and point and this helped sometimes but was aggravating for both of us.


I was afraid that I was going to have to simplify our meals and even had nightmares in which I served one course at a time and we didn't finish with dinner until breakfast time. Another possibility was one dish meals and I hated that idea.


Finally I came up with a solution and it seems to be working for now. I do all the dressing, seasoning, buttering, etc before we begin eating. This evening when I put the plate in front of him the beets were sliced, the green beans buttered and seasoned, the salad dressed, the bread sliced. That's all he had to do was eat the meatloaf.


He still has trouble deciding which utensil to use, fork-spoon-knife all seem to become one. Always having been neat at table, thanks to his mom Helen's training, I find that he uses his fingers more often but still appropriately.


For now, problem solved. This seems to be the way with us. Old solutions die causing new problem to arise which lead to improved ways of dealing with most situations. Hope this continues for a long time to come so I do not have to think about what the future might hold.